Lake Winnipesaukee, with a book.
I can’t tell you how relaxing it is here.
It’s always a good thing to give thankfulness to God.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Easter at the lake
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Author Archives: Shanda
why I am letting my hair go gray
(It’s really not that big of a deal but it’s fun to share and talk about.)
1. The amount of time that passed between dying the roots was getting shorter and I got tired of dealing with it. Tired of buying it, tired of applying it. I’m too interested in doing other delightful things in a day.
2. The EMDR therapy healed my brain to the point where I felt like I didn’t need to look a certain way anymore. I am comfortable in my own skin and no longer have the desire to dye my hair in order to appear younger (which was why I was dying it in the first place). I don’t fear growing older or having my hair “give my age away”. Aging isn’t causing me any anxiety anymore. at least aging hair 😉
3. I have a heart for realness. I felt that my dyed hair wasn’t me. And I wanted my real hair color back. I didn’t feel like my true self anymore. I am highly sensitive to everything, even looking into a mirror and seeing the way my hair looked. To me, my hair started representing more than just “hair”, it was something I could use as a way to feel authentic and real.
4. My sister stopped dying her hair, too. She inspired me. She’s younger than I am.
5. I came to a place where allowing myself to go gray was more of a sign of beauty and confidence than continuing to color it.
6. I go to a church, and a Bible study full of lovely white haired women. Their inner and outer beauty shines and I want to be like them in every way. I’m “joining the club” so to speak.
7. I didn’t like the zing on my scalp after I dyed it. I was never afraid of hair dye poisoning me or what have you, but it did irritate my scalp. This is probably my weakest reason.
8. Basically, it felt right in my soul. As soon as I committed, I had a new interesting joy and zero regret. My DIL Brittnee is tired of me showing her how the gray is growing.
9. My old lady friends said it’s going to take a long time. At first I felt defeated by time, but then I decided to embrace the process. it’s fun to watch it happen, sort of like watching a garden grow. little by little. It’s a beautiful lesson in life, to be patient enough to wait for what you want.
10. Incidentally, a few months ago I met a beautiful lady my age with gray hair. When I admired it she said that when she decided to stop coloring, she went ahead and shaved her entire head. Now her hair is long and thick and as I watched her tell her story I felt myself become truly tempted to emulate her. She said “Girl..you should” and even recommended collagen, but Sarah was already highly disturbed by the idea of her mother “looking like a granny” and the idea of her mother shaven sent her into distress.
This is my own personal journey. I’m not trying to convince anyone or say that a person should be like this. I am a firm believer in “you do you”. And I love the uniqueness of every individual. I admire and enjoy all of humanity. I also believe in “changing your mind”, and while I don’t think I will ever go back to coloring, there’s nothing wrong with trying to go gray and then deciding it’s not for you and start coloring it again. Be confident and smile.
all these changes
A beautiful day. Just came back from a wander in the woods. And a first; I found myself reaching down to handle the moist cool earth, and underneath a log I found an empty snail shell. No sign of it’s inhabitant, so I brought it home in my pocket. There is dirt imbedded in my hands, and to my ears the birds sound beautifully quite full of new song. My steps crackled and crunched over leaves and twigs in the woods. When I came to a fallen tree I walked the length of it to try my balance. I heard spring peepers and saw a pair of mallard ducks, swimming gently down the stream (merrily merrily). I found an old nest! It was easy to get to. I carefully broke it away with its supporting branches and carried it home.
It’s a time of quiet and pensiveness for me—mother-me. The mother who is watching the birds and flowers bloom, gathering old nests and listening to songs, is the mother who is also preparing to very soon watch her son marry his darling, and another son chose a college and finish his senior year.
When the heart is full, it must overflow. Tears come as I think about the passing years. Wondering how I could have let them go without doing more, being more, loving more. I wanted to. And yet a mother is also a woman of her own, and during all those years I was also growing. Becoming more, (rather than DOING MORE) in other areas of life outside of motherhood. I can’t be disappointed about giving the children less than all of me, because then I wouldn’t be myself. They are secure in my love, and the love of their father and siblings. Together we grow in love and grace each day. and yet, I wish almost greedily, for more ordinary days of simply me, and them, together.
Caleb has not made the decision for school lightly, he gave it a great deal of thought and preparation. And now he is all set to attend Liberty University in the fall, a college about nine hours from home. Caleb, one of the “younger ones”. My sweet boy. I would rather not. And yet, the way it all worked out was “a shower of blessing” from above. Each thing that fell into place, each unexpected gift (such as a local life-long classmate of his as a roommate) (such as my best friends daughter also going) (such as him running into a camp friend), gave us such full hearts we couldn’t help but praise God and thank Him.
So it was, while Rich was with Caleb in Virginia, and I was at home with the others, that my mom texted with me with her own wise mother-words:
You will be a better Shanda as all these changes happen. I think I’m a better person now, more like Cindy should be. Not someone else’s person.
The truth of it all went straight to my heart and I knew she was right. And, like I’ve thought so many times before, if life is like a roller coaster I want to be the woman who throws up her hands and enjoys the thrill of the ride, (with some screaming now and then) rather than the one holding back in resistance.
first violet
I can hardly believe it. I noticed it the other day but finally got a picture today…..and now it’s being pressed in a book.
as always, for thia
on vacation
There is so much life in just one single day; potential, joy, discovery, and magic.
Sarah’s busy
“Mom come here. This is my pile of “to be read” books. So ….I’m going to wrap each one up in wrapping paper and number them. Then I’m going to write the numbers on little pieces of paper and put them in a bowl and pick one every time I’m ready for a book to read. So that’s what I’m going to be busying myself with for the next couple hours. Where’s the wrapping paper? Where’s the tape?”
“Tomorrow I’m going to come home from school and start reading for 24 hours. I’m going to take a nap first and then drink some coffee and read.”
She’s got one Dickens book she says she’s afraid to read because she’s going to have to read the dictionary with it. “Everyone should read a classic, even if you don’t know how.”
She said she got this one from Goodwill.
I find her, and life itself, very entertaining.
walking in a
winter wonderland.
I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.
And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.
The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.
I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.
“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”
If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.
Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.
How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.
Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.
Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.
“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23
Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.
Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”
“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”
“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”
“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”
“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”
Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.
Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.
We are truly blessed.
shards
I have some nostalgia for the Corning “Butterfly Gold” pattern because that’s what we ate off when I was growing up. So just for happy memory’s sake, and because it always catches my eye, I have been slowly collecting very inexpensive pieces of it one dish at a time in order to sell as a “lot” on eBay. I have curly handled teacups, a darling bowl, a few useful small plates, and one lonely dinner plate —so I was pleased to find a dinner plate mixed up with other random stuff at a thrift store last week. But when I got to the register to pay for it (a dollar) I felt a chip on the edge. “I’m going to pass on this,” I explained with regret, “it has a chip.” While I paid for the teacups the guy at the register tossed the poor plate up and down in the air. “These things are unbreakable,” he reassured me.
The next morning I got a text from Target telling me that my prescription was ready. I hadn’t expected to go back to town again so soon but I knew it would be just wrong if I went to Target without also running into the thrift store again even though I had just shopped there the day before. It would just be wrong, I tell ya. So in I ran and right away I found a whole bunch of nice shiny new fiesta teacups and saucers. And then!! Yes! One of those “Butterfly Gold” Corelle plates!
As soon as I got home I set to work washing things up and listing them. I was humming and getting into the flow of washing and scrubbing stickers off everything and it was just so fun and satisfying. Maybe I was even smiling to myself. But when I went to wash the Corelle plate I realized…..
….it was that same stupid plate from the day before! The same chip the same exact plate! I actually bought it that time! Like, I told them it had a chip and they put it right back on the shelves! And I saw it (me!! of all people!) and put it in my cart — two days in a row!! and actually completely bought it with a clear happy conscience (on the second day)!
I screamed into the house. (No one was home) “I can’t believe I did that!!” I cried. I could not believe it.
And then I threw it away. I felt kind of bad to do so, it really seemed to want to belong to me, but what else could I do? I can’t just keep chipped plates. Later on I told my mom the story and we laughed and she said, “You know, they always said those plates were unbreakable but when you drop one on the floor it smashes into a thousand pieces. Shards!”
NH to CT
It took a Sarah and I seven hours. I’m laughing so hard. We drove separately from the boys and stopped many times:
1. A thrift store in Tilton, NH called Tilton Village Thrift. It was one of those quaint towns where Main Street has shops all up and down with parking on the slant in fronts of them. It was a little over 30 mins from our cabin and it was a first time visit. Cash only so we held hands and walked to the ATM in a nearby gas station. We bought some treasures and then checked out a consignment boutique down the sidewalk where Sarah found a gray Champion hoodie and I a silver ring with a purple stone.
2. We were hungry and were told that a good place to eat was the Tilt’n Diner. It was about 10 minutes from the thrift store. It was pink!! There was a 15 minute wait for a table but we were able to sit in the car because they took my number and called when the table was ready. The waitress was friendly. I had coffee and Sarah had coke. We read our books while we waited for our food. She had Mac n cheese and I had a Philly steak sandwich. We saved room for dessert: chocolate layer cake for her and coconut cream pie for me. They make their own potato chips there. The fries were crispy and the coffee was perfect diner coffee. We enjoyed the atmosphere and decor very much.
3. With full bellies we drove to another new (to us) place called Antiques on Elm, in Manchester, NH. I didn’t have nearly enough time to see it all. It was a great antique place with lots of vendors and a great building. Good lighting, heated, and something for everyone. Friendly staff, calm vibe. We found some great things at nice prices. I will definitely stop again.
4. Starbucks
5. Gas station for bathroom break and a bag of combos to munch during the last half hour to home.
Seth said “What took you so long?? Were you driving like a granny?” Caleb brought my stuff inside and ate my leftovers. Rich gave me a hug. I could tell they were all glad to have me back home again.
We are all settled, I’m in bed while they watch Outer Banks together in the living room. I’m in here because I would much rather read. I’m putting aside my current read to read a book that came in the mail while I was gone. It’s called Behind the Dress by Christine Faour, “One woman’s life in a religious cult and the healing that came after.” It will be a quick but interesting book for my ongoing personal education of cults, high control groups, and abuse of any kind. Sounds pretty grim, but the education is necessary so I can be aware for myself and my family.
Much love! I hope you all had a lovely Sunday. I would enjoy hearing from you and any little interesting part of your day if you would like to share. Are you reading a good book? Do you like strawberry plates? Do you eat in pink diners? Do you hug your daughter in the middle of thrift stores?
content (written in NH)
My body sinks into the couch. My nerves are smooth peace. My muscles are soft. My feet are warm in socks and loose slippers. I’m wearing a thick sweater and sweatpants. “Down shifting” is my personal term for a busy person starting to relax, it takes some time but down we go. For years I was going going going. And now even when I’m busy I can be calm. Going through EMDR therapy last year changed my life. Radically. I am an all-around healthier woman. I knew what I wanted, knew it shouldn’t be that hard, and was finally handed the keys to the abundant life. Trauma therapy. Education. Experience. Growth.
I made a tossed salad for dinner. We have floury rolls and butter to go with it. Rich got the hot tub ready and Sarah’s about to go enjoy that. The boys are playing video games downstairs. It’s been a lovely day and it’s still only 6:30pm.
NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. If life is too hard right now, search and seek your answers. You will find them. He wants you to thrive and enjoy this life.
I love you, friends.
PS. She wrote Johnny Tremain.
