why I am letting my hair go gray

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Shanda

(It’s really not that big of a deal but it’s fun to share and talk about.)

1. The amount of time that passed between dying the roots was getting shorter and I got tired of dealing with it. Tired of buying it, tired of applying it. I’m too interested in doing other delightful things in a day.

2. The EMDR therapy healed my brain to the point where I felt like I didn’t need to look a certain way anymore. I am comfortable in my own skin and no longer have the desire to dye my hair in order to appear younger (which was why I was dying it in the first place). I don’t fear growing older or having my hair “give my age away”. Aging isn’t causing me any anxiety anymore. at least aging hair 😉

3. I have a heart for realness. I felt that my dyed hair wasn’t me. And I wanted my real hair color back. I didn’t feel like my true self anymore. I am highly sensitive to everything, even looking into a mirror and seeing the way my hair looked. To me, my hair started representing more than just “hair”, it was something I could use as a way to feel authentic and real.

4. My sister stopped dying her hair, too. She inspired me. She’s younger than I am.

5. I came to a place where allowing myself to go gray was more of a sign of beauty and confidence than continuing to color it.

6. I go to a church, and a Bible study full of lovely white haired women. Their inner and outer beauty shines and I want to be like them in every way. I’m “joining the club” so to speak.

7. I didn’t like the zing on my scalp after I dyed it. I was never afraid of hair dye poisoning me or what have you, but it did irritate my scalp. This is probably my weakest reason.

8. Basically, it felt right in my soul. As soon as I committed, I had a new interesting joy and zero regret. My DIL Brittnee is tired of me showing her how the gray is growing.

9. My old lady friends said it’s going to take a long time. At first I felt defeated by time, but then I decided to embrace the process. it’s fun to watch it happen, sort of like watching a garden grow. little by little. It’s a beautiful lesson in life, to be patient enough to wait for what you want.

10. Incidentally, a few months ago I met a beautiful lady my age with gray hair. When I admired it she said that when she decided to stop coloring, she went ahead and shaved her entire head. Now her hair is long and thick and as I watched her tell her story I felt myself become truly tempted to emulate her. She said “Girl..you should” and even recommended collagen, but Sarah was already highly disturbed by the idea of her mother “looking like a granny” and the idea of her mother shaven sent her into distress.

My real hair!!!! I love it so much. Salt and pepper. Just like my Dad.

This is my own personal journey. I’m not trying to convince anyone or say that a person should be like this. I am a firm believer in “you do you”. And I love the uniqueness of every individual. I admire and enjoy all of humanity. I also believe in “changing your mind”, and while I don’t think I will ever go back to coloring, there’s nothing wrong with trying to go gray and then deciding it’s not for you and start coloring it again. Be confident and smile.

walking in a

Posted on March 15, 2023 by Shanda

winter wonderland.

I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.

And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.

The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.

I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.

“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”

If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.

Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.

How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.

Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.

Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.

“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23

Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.

Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”

“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”

“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”

“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”

“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”

Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.

Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.

We are truly blessed.

Brighton jewelry

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Shanda

Rich had two dozen pink long stemmed roses delivered to me along with a bunch of balloons for my birthday. Their beauty drew my attention for over a week but by today their heads were hanging so I took some sharp scissors, and snipped them off to dry in a box lid. Once they dry I will thread them and have a garland of memory-roses.

He knows my happy color is pink. It’s the little things that mean so much. Like the color pink, and roses, and surprise snow, and the sound of my children in the house for Presidents’ Day long weekend.

I’ve been getting pieces of jewelry from Brighton for a long time now, but in the last couple years I have noticed they were not staying silvery like they used to. It’s been a puzzle to me, and three different times I asked the ladies in the shop for help. First, they sold me their jewelry cleaner. Although it was in a pink container and smelled good, it didn’t do the trick. Then, I took a piece to the store and had them try. They were just as puzzled as I, and the darkness remained. Lastly, I had a little passive aggressive conversation with the lady a week ago when I went in to use my birthday coupon. She seemed to blame my skin, or my clothes, and again said that no one knows (not even corporate) why “some people” end up with discolored pieces. “Did you try silver cleaner?” She continued with an accusatory tone. I couldn’t leave fast enough with my new earrings.

But I remembered what she said and today I bought silver cleaner and it worked. How dumb it was for me to have to spend several years puzzling this out. Why didn’t I know that their jewelry was real silver, but with a “protective coating”?

It was pretty satisfying to rub the tarnish off. There is something satisfying about taking care of one’s things.

My mom noticed that instead of putting the forks, spoons, and knives into their separate places in the silverware tray, I was just throwing them in. “Housework is art”, she reminded me. Like my jewelry box, my silverware drawer, my life…..all is art.

I was thinking about Genesis the other day, and the first words of the Bible “In the beginning, God created……..”

That soul-nourishing creativity and making all of life my art is important, because it’s of God. It’s a divine purpose. And just like creation, we look and know that what we did in those moments was good.

good for what ails ya

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Shanda

A bit under the weather today. I was up last night with a nauseous stomach and just felt super gross all night and allowed myself to sleep until 8. I decided not to go to Bible Study but then I started discouraging myself with self-condemnation since it was a BIBLE study I was going to skip— when every other day I wouldn’t hesitate to go out shopping or what have you even if feeling under the weather. The pros and cons were battling it out in my mind so I called my husband and explained it all to him: I didn’t know if I felt up to going to Bible Study, but I did know that I needed to go to Tractor Supply because I ran out of bird seed. What sort of good godly woman would skip Bible Study because she wasn’t feeling well and yet still go to the store is what I wanted to know.

“God’s birds need to be fed.” is what he cheerfully answered unto me. And that was what did it! A good laugh lightened me up and I remembered something. God allows me the freedom to make choices for myself, He loves me and never leaves me based on what I do or don’t do, or ever at all. I am free. The Bible Study I go to is very comfortable and I am just one of the participants, I’m not a leader or anything. It’s there to bless women in the community, not to take attendance or make demands.

In essence, NO ONE CARES. Lol

So, did I go?

Yep! After all that I still went. Out of duty? Out of the belief that it was the righteous thing to do? Nope!

The only reason why I went was because I wanted to. That was why. I wanted to go because chances were very high that someone might say something or read something that might change my day and my outlook. I wanted to go because I wanted to be around these women who show me what genuine and safe love and acceptance looks like. I wanted to go because I love those ladies too, and I need the fellowship, which is a beautiful word to describe the way humans can be together. I tend to isolate and I know I need people and experiences to add layers to my life. Anyway the Bible Study didn’t disappoint. I was “glad to go to the house of the Lord.”

************

As I drove away afterwards, I decided to treat myself to an iced matcha latte from Dunkin. Now, I had a bit on my mind from the study that I was thinking about and maybe that’s why I ordered a “venti” in the drive through, out of the habit of mostly getting matchas at Starbucks. WELL! They startled me into the present moment by correcting me, “WE only have small, medium, and large HERE!” — oh well my apologies I want a large.

I get up to the window and had to wait because the system was rebooting because of the wind. Fine. After waiting for several minutes I was finally able to pay and was handed a matcha which looked just like a Venti but not necessarily a Large. “Is this a large?” “No, You didn’t order a large”. “Yes I did —remember I asked for a venti and you all laughed and said what’s a venti and I said— it’s a large.” It was all good natured and fun banter but still, I needed my large because, hydration. Ohhhhhh yes he remembered and conceded the point. He was gonna correct the misunderstanding. I went to hand back the medium which hadn’t even made it all the way into my cup holder and he said with a wave of his hand “oh just keep it, and I’ll make you a large.”

Then I was thinking “how the heck am I going to drink a gallon of matcha”…but quickly realized “wait Shanda, you’re sort of under the weather today and feeling a bit weird and I bet this is what’s going to cure you. God knows a good matcha latte has a lot of health benefits that you can’t remember off hand but you KNOW you read an article online somewhere that affirmed your propensity for endless matcha lattes. They’re scientifically proven to be good for what ails ya. This, THIS, is why you’re out of the house today. You THOUGHT it was for Bible Study and birdseed, but it was for the medicinal properties of Matcha!!!!!”

The End ….. only it’s not.

Because I’m still drinking them.

brief updates & life is good

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Shanda

“Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are
something to do
something to love
and something to hope for.” Joseph Addison

Good morning my lovlies~ I have done the past couple of blog posts from my phone but today I am in front of the laptop so have freedom to tippety- tap away as fast as the words can flow from my fingertips…….what delight, to sit and express here, a few little happenings of my heart and life. It’s only 7:15 in the morning and what promise there is for a full and bright day! The weather has changed and Summer is now gently introducing Fall. Autumn, my favorite season when I feel most alive in not only energy, possibility, and inspiration, but nostalgia, contemplativeness, and a sort of “taking stock” of my innermost life, and it is good.

That word…..good, it’s such a Father-God word, isn’t it? I just love it so much that when He did the work of creating this world, he took the time to see and pronounce it GOOD. And I find myself trying more and more to do the same as I go about my household duties, those beautiful acts of daily life. Yesterday was vacuuming (and more), today is baking (and more), and I hope that when I complete the tasks I can remember to also take the time to look at what my hands have done, and take a moment or two of satisfaction from the work.

So, let’s see……updates……

Jacob and Brittnee are happy in an apartment not far away. We typically see them here at home with us on Sundays. They have taken on the role of “firstborn” together, and are such a comfort to me and their Dad, just knowing they are there. Both of them fun loving and responsible.

Ethan is engaged to Sierra now and they are busy preparing for their life together. He is still at home for about a month, after which he will be moving into an apartment. He’s working hard and counting down the days until the wedding (April, 2023) and we are so happy for them both. It’s fun to have “young love” in the house…..a couple just about to be married with nothing else really on their minds…..as it should be. They eat, drink, and survive on “wedding//newlywed preparations”.

Grace and Brogan are happy in an apartment way too far away. Like five hours. (wink*wink, I know five hours is not as far as they COULD be, but also they aren’t next door like they COULD be, so……..) we stay connected a lot through texting and phone calls, and try to see each other as much as we can. They recently invited an unwed and homeless mother CAT into their home to have her kittens and now have a total of six cats of various ages to enjoy. (if you want a kitten and will be in Scranton PA, let me know……..)

David got through a year of college and is now taking a year and working while living here at home. He just started work at Fed Ex and he will be amazing. His outlook and thoughts on life are so relatable to me and we share a deep bond. He is recovering from a serious stomach bug AND starting his new job at the same time……and not complaining, either. (no energy for it).

Caleb is now a Senior in High School, Caleb the one who was “Baby” when I first began blogging here. Caleb my little sweet tenderhearted gentle boy. Still the same in essence, and so much more as he matures and grows. He’s busy with football these days.

Seth is in his last year of middle school. Stlll as joyful in heart and energetic in body as ever. He has my heart in his hands, this boy-man of mine. We have such fun. He brings a playful spirit into our home on a constant basis. He also plays football and is QB and a kicker, playing offense and defense and guess what? I can’t sit still for nervousness while we watch his games, and I pray constantly. But don’t tell him that. 🙂

Sarah Joy -oh my goodness- is 12 and we are so proud of our youngest one, she’s in 7th grade this year. She’s my little friend, and always has a word of encouragement, and common sense dictates that she also can hold her own in this house where everyone is older than her. Also, she loves putting on a little make up and doing her nails. She’s getting so big!

I absolutely love KNOWING my children. Seeing them for who they are, knowing that their lives are all their own and that I have the amazing honor of sharing each day with them as long as I live. I take the things they say and do and keep them to remember and think about.

Rich and I celebrate 27 years of marriage soon….Septemeber 16….which is yet another reason why this time of year is special to me, and to him, as well. He is still working hard, but not as hard as when we were first married. With time comes a security and a blessing in understanding that the world can keep going at it’s fast pace even as we take some time to slow down and focus on what truly matters; our health, our ability and opportunity to “stop and smell the roses” and our relationships. It’s so satisfying to enjoy the unique passions and interests that God put in us, and important to make sure we aren’t too busy to do the things that make our “hearts sing”.

I will write more about myself soon, but the most exciting for me recently was opening my own ebay shop and starting to sell things that I collect around in my thrifting and goodwilling and antiquing adventures. I’ve made a few sales and find myself taking a moment to bless the recipient of the treasure I have chosen to offer in my “shop”, I just can’t help myself, my mother- heart wants to know that everyone is okay and if not, help in some small way even with just a little prayer over a box to a random stranger is enough. I enjoy everything about it, and it’s such fun to have a little bit of pocket money that I’ve earned all on my own (I’ve been a stay at home mom since day one of marriage), and thus life goes on…day by day…mile by mile…age to age.

Life is a struggle!!! and for me, the struggle is keeping myself aware and understanding that there is always beauty HERE and NOW, even when I am sad or grieving or tired or overwhelmed and ready to give up. God always brings me back around to the truth that I can trust Him, He leads us gently, He loves us without reservation, and He is generous beyond measure.

So let’s allow this ordinary day surround us like a warm hug.

“Surely the Lord is my help; God is the One who sustains me.” Ps. 54:4

PS, David just came home from work (he works nights) and asked me if I wanted to go to Chipoltle, to which I replied after laughing because it’s not even 8 in the morning yet, “NO, but do you want to go to the Woman’s Bible Study this morning with me?” He also said NO.

all for love

Posted on June 24, 2021 by Shanda

It’s eight in the morning and I am sitting on the porch. I fell asleep last night thinking about my blog and woke up this morning thinking about my blog. I’m writing this on the verge of tears, but I must write. Something about the nakedness of it all is giving me anxiety…….I share my heart here, I always have. There are some things too painful to share, and that’s okay. I understand that, now.

I am healing. I am so in love with my life; being a mama, being a wife, being a friend, being a woman, but most of all I am learning to love simply being myself. We are allowed, and indeed it is necessary, to put ourselves first. Not in a selfish way, of course. However, I have learned that it is quite selfish to put others first to an extent that I am neglected and suffer because of it. For so long now I have done this. And wondered why I felt so “off”. Why I couldn’t quite feel my best while pouring all of myself into my people and work. Why it (life) felt a little “wrong”.

There are many reasons why a person can become mentally and emotionally unhealthy, it’s often a slow journey there, but finding oneself in an unhealthy state doesn’t matter as much as the subsequent desire to be well. Oh God, how I want to be well. This desire fuels me onward and only recently I have discovered that in my instance, and in most instances, it is possible to find mental wellbeing. In fact, this healing for me is happening now. The hurts and pain cannot be forgotten, but they can be processed, with help from friends. The brain is amazing, God made it that way, “and it was very good” (Genesis). And I realize that it’s not easy and sometimes not even possible to the extent that one might wish. Certainly, perfection is never possible, but improvement in any area of life is my highest goal.

Yes, I thought about blogging and then as I sat down with my computer just a moment ago, I found myself starting to cry. I was feeling fear about opening up. But what made me proceed, was the urge to lovingly give. I know my blog is a delight to others, because you told me (thank you, sweet precious friends). I know in this small blogging-way, I even find a bit of my true self whilst writing and posting photos. I know that the spirit in which I share is the spirit of “take this gift, it’s from me, to you.” I truly love each person who comes here to read and share a moment or two, with me and my words.

But be careful of words. The actions of a person are much more telling that the words they say. I pray that my work here (which seems more like play) never hurts, but only serves to love.

That being said, guess what?

Grace and Brogan got married!
on June 12

It was a beautiful, magical, wondrous day.

I’ll tell you all about it, as soon as I can.

Tomorrow we travel to Jekyll for the rest of the summer but I plan to be blogging throughout.

Thank you for mercifully listening and for being here. If you would like to email me at any time the address is goodtobehome76@gmail.com. I love your comments here, as well, please be advised that they go to “pending” until I approve them. Thank you my dears.

You are loved.

~Shanda

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1Cor13

a bridal shower, of sorts

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Shanda

Oh covid. Changes everything, doesn’t it?

I mentioned a few posts back that my daughter Grace is engaged to be married this coming June 12. We have been busy making plans and on Friday we were intending to drive five hours to her (she’s in Pennsylvania, a senior in college) so that we could do the following:

and by we, I mean myself, my husband Rich, my sister Amanda, her daughter Naomi, my son’s fiancé Brittnee, and my daughter Sarah.
check into the hotel, where we had reserved two entire suites so we had plenty of room.
get Grace from college so she could be with us for the weekend.
go to my brother David and his wife Ann’s house to visit
go out to eat with them, adults only, while the girls watched a movie at their house
go back to hotel to sleep
go back to David and Ann’s for more visiting, and breakfast
leave from there to drive 2 hours to a bridal salon that Grace’s fiancé’s grandmother used to own, which still contains some of the dresses she had stocked there herself.
spend time supporting Grace as she tried on dresses and hopefully find one
then go back to the hotel
church with Grace and Brogan, and my best friend Joanna, on Sunday morning
bridal shower for her on Sunday afternoon

I was a little anxious about these plans because of the sheer magnitude of them. These were plans upon plans and more plans. However, I went through the week trying not to think much about all that we wanted to do, and instead, just took things one day at a time, one event at a time, one chore, one afternoon, and sometimes one hour, at a time. Also, maintaining a sense of flexibility and humor is a great help.

Well, then we got word that the bridal shower was now going to be a “drive through” shower because of Covid.

Then, we got word that the Bridal shower was being cancelled entirely because of Covid and the desire to keep people safe.

And THEN, on Thursday, the day before we were supposed to leave for this adventure, Grace called to tell us that there was Covid in her dorm, Covid elsewhere on campus, and she herself had a “sore throat but it wasn’t that bad and it already went away.” Her Dad and I talked about what to do. She wasn’t able to get a rapid covid test until the next day and if we waited until then we would lose our deposit on the hotel rooms. We DID want very badly to be there for our daughter, as it was an important weekend for her. We DID NOT want to drive all that way and then end up not being able to do anything. We also felt there was a slight but very real chance we ourselves could get the virus and then what would we do (manage, but still). We talked to mom and dad and they helped us with the hard but sensible decision to stay home.

Grace was on her own. But wait, noooooooooo………that’s not true, because she never was and never will be on her own. God in His love and kindness arranged the weekend for her ahead of time, and He knew that she would be just fine. She had her rapid-Covid test done (which was negative!!) and with relief, she was able to continue with her dress shopping. She’s tired today, yes, but on Saturday, with her mom and dad and (some) siblings watching and involved through a zoom meeting (!!!!!) she found the most beautiful wedding dress of her dreams. Brogan’s loving and capable Grandmother helped her each moment. And then today she was taken out to lunch at a pretty club by Brogan’s family and given some lovely gifts.

It was a great lesson for us, because yes as parents we have great responsibility for each of our children and no one can take our place in their lives, but at the same time, we are not so important that we can’t step back and let go when absolutely necessary, and watch them handle life on their own, with God’s help and with the help of friends and sometimes even strangers. Truly there is no need to be anxious, only expectant.

Grace is being showered with encouragement and love (a bridal shower, of sorts) in a variety of ways. As her mama I see it clearly, and I’m sure there are a lot more stories she could tell me. How could we keep from smiling?

We wish we could have been there in person, but really, it did work out beautifully.

We all have stories like this we could tell. Isn’t it encouraging?

This is the moment that Sarah was waiting for. The moment she found out that she was going to be asked by her big sister to be in her wedding as her “Junior Maid of Honor”.

“I will cause showers to come down
in their season;
they will be showers of blessing.”

flash-back

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Shanda

I’m sitting on the couch in the livingroom, after reading through blog archives from 11 years back, searching for a photo of Caleb with his wooden Thomas trains.

School has begun again, and he is now a freshman in High School. He takes drum lessons, is in marching band and also playing football. He’s taller than I am, with light brown, wavy hair, blue eyes, strong arms and legs, and most likely wearing Hollister clothing (my boys’ favorite).

I was busily vacuuming the floors when they left for school this morning, when I stopped in my (train) tracks and turned off the vacuum.

Caleb recently turned 14, and for his birthday we bought him his most requested and beloved gift of dreams…….and it wasn’t a Thomas train like it was 11 years ago.

It was an electric drum set.

I took him to Guitar Center to pick it out. We were there for a very long time, because he wanted to try out every sound and every feature. He was in his own little world, sitting there and moving the wooden sticks, making beats, listening, enjoying himself.

A week ago, I found Sarah Joy prowling around in the storage room in the basement. She was looking for things forgotten about and the next thing I knew, the wooden crate of Thomas trains and tracks were back in the land of family again. They had been away for so long. I was charmed as I watched Seth and Sarah down on the floor, pushing them, setting up track, and making up stories.

Once upon a time, these same trains took naps with a smallest blond haired boy, he covered them in sugar, and paint, and golden glitter. He threw Devious Diesel into the pond, never to be seen again, because he didn’t like him. He parked his trains under the pancake griddle as I made breakfast. He let one roll down the auditorium (it was James) during his older siblings’ music concert, he carried them in his little paws, everywhere. He not only played with trains, he also watched the videos and read the books, he even had Thomas bedding and clothing.

Now he plays with drums. He carries drumsticks in his hands.

So, this morning I stopped in my (train tracks). The house was empty and quiet and the tracks had led me to Caleb’s drum set and a bunch of his old playmates parked underneath. Somehow, as I stood and considered, I imagined that the trains must have whispered to Caleb’s little brother and sister to put them close to where he would be.

Maybe he would play with them again, later.

misery and woe

Posted on May 20, 2019 by Shanda

ummmmmm…….. so thank you to those who have figured out and made the attempt to continue reading this humble blog of my life and thoughts.

I have been experiencing intense misery and woe but as I sit here I am filled with the desire to express it all with frankness and humor. If you can’t laugh about your misery and woe then it has its evil hooks in you and that’s just not a nice feeling ask me how I know this.

Gosh, life is hard sometimes!!!!! Isn’t it?

But then again, Jesus loves me this I know, and despite the misery and woe I find myself uplifted and laughing even after I stubbornly fold my arms in front of my chest, stick out my lower lip, and think, “I refuse and I’m simply NOT going to enjoy this day today.”

Saturday was one of those days! I simply failed to believe I would even smile. I had cried so much the afternoon and evening and night before that my eyes were practically swollen shut. I was not feeling pretty, or good, or worthwhile, or hopeful, or confident, or anything along those lines.

THE CHILDREN SAVED THE DAY. Why? Because Sethers had a baseball game. Therefore I had to get myself dressed and get my butt out of the house. Because baseball games are OUTSIDE, therefore the sun was shining upon me. (Try to be filled with misery and woe while sitting in sunshine, it’s hard to keep up.) ALSO, ALL MY CHILDREN (except David) went to the game to cheer on their little brother. (This sent not a little joy through the cracks of my heart.) Also, Seth hit a homerun!!!!! To be honest, it would have only been a triple but the ball was overthrown to third and he was able to get to home on that error. You should have seen his proud face when he came over about 10 minutes later. He silently approached with the look, “I’m coming because I just know my mom is going to want to tell me how awesome I am.” And he was right, I did. His Dad and I sat in our chairs, sat in the grass, sat on the bleachers (we get restless at these games) surrounded by our children plus our Brittnee and our Michael and had (dare I say) fun.

Grace kept bonding with tiny caterpillars.
Sarah played with new-found temporary friends (it’s what you do at your brother’s games)
RIch and Michael wrestled in the grass.
Jacob took his latest Steven King book and didn’t read it and then forgot it (but Sarah grabbed it for him)
Ethan, Caleb, and Jacob played catch.
We all got our first sunburns of the season to varying degrees. Brittnee’s knees especially.
The game seemed to drag on forever……but…..
Seth’s team won!

And then we all went out for pizza.

Here I am, in obvious misery and woe (and waiting for my coffee, also starving because I only had a yogurt for breakfast at 5:15am and it was 2 and I hadn’t had lunch.) Surrounded by the people I love.

Here I am wondering why my photo is being taken in such a state. And Ethan being Ethan, how I love him.

And……..Sarah pulled me out of myself by opening her heart and saying, “Mom?” and I said “Yes, Sarah?” “Caleb told me I could play the Playstation but then he and Seth played it so long I didn’t get a chance and blah blah blah blah blah.” Her little troubles, I realized ,were MUCH more important than my big ones!!!!!! As I always do, I listened with a loving and understanding expression on my face. (LOL)

As I leaned across the table at her, I said, “I think what you’re asking me is “Can you play when you get home? “Yes” “Okay, then, you may”. Problem solved.
And then I laughed, what else could I do?

I forgot David wasn’t with us and I asked Michael to take a family photo of us outside the pizza place.

Being himself, he had to take one with himself in it.

….and then I said, “Brittnee, too!” I was so happy to get a whole entire family photo and we walked to the car while I looked at the photos and wondered why there were only six children surrounding us and then I realized, “Oh yeah, Dave is at a track meet!!” and my woe came back. Michael said “Settle down, it’s okay!” And I guess it was, but I miss David in these photos. By the way, he got another PR in hurdles.

I’m going to blog more about this, but here I am in the church downtown after a community concert to celebrate our towns 300th anniversary!!! Can you find me? I look rather pretty. (toward the left).

Rich took us girls out for ice cream afterwards and Sarah looked so picturesque that I asked him to take this photo. She’s wearing her sister’s boots and I think, “Pippi Longstocking” whenever I see her in them. (She wore them to school today)

Thankful for:
a healthy sense of humor even as I struggle
that toad I saw yesterday evening hopping purposefully toward my flower garden
the bookbag I’m carrying around everywhere I go that says “baby got books” on it and it’s indeed got books in it along with fine tip markers, a journal, Bible, and magazines. Gives me life.
my family and the things they do and say
rocking chairs on the porch
matcha tea lattes
my cats
and you, my friends

You are loved. Thank you for being here. Please pray for me as I will also pray for you today. Be encouraged, we have each other!!! and lots of love. We can do this! and the rewards of eternal life are unspeakable. Heaven’s not now……but it’s coming.

“How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in Him should ponder them.” Ps. 111:2

“If the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36

“For the despondant, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.” Proverbs 15:15

messy beautiful

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Shanda

so I did, this morning and I also burned my finger terribly. I had three cookies for breakfast.

Sharing my heart..

I was lovingly reminded yesterday that God is not waiting to come down on me like a hammer everytime I get my toe out of line…….and then, this morning I read this verse, “The Lord doesn’t see things they way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord KNOWS MY HEART. When I don’t even know it, He knows it. He knows I want to please Him, He knows I beat myself up all day long over my percieved failings, He knows that I grieve and cry and long and hope and desire and love and give and give and make myself vulnerable and I fail and fail but I’m loved and I’m beautiful to Him.

In life’s choices, I choose HIM. To think this way is freeing to me.

He cares for me like no other. He knows I am nothing but dust, he knows my messy humanity and He understands. He knows I’m treading water here, trying to keep myself breathing. (Please don’t worry about me, I’ve never tried to keep depression/anxiety/perfectionism and my super-sensitivity to life and these things a secret. I’m okay, and people can be okay even when dealing with strong emotions.)

Anything that makes me small and Him big……is a good thing. Even though it can be painful. In this way, self righteousness is dealt with, and a true understanding of my need (and His provision!) is realized. No, I don’t want self righteousness or sanctimoniousness (from myself…..or others, either.) It creates fear. “Your boasting is not good. You know that a little yeast leavens the whole bath of dough, don’t you?” I corinthians 5:6…

We are to have mercy, and show love and grace. To others…..and to our selves.

“I want your constant love, not your animal sacrifices. I would rather have my people know me than burn offerings to me.” Hos. 6:6

So, Mother’s day weekend. On the inside I was a storm of thoughts and emotions, but on the outside……life continued and there was joy and smiles and love. How funny it all is! A perfect mix of sadness and joy, love and sorrow, good and bad, seriousness and frivolity. So topsy turvy! “It is what it is” Maybe someday I’ll find an even keel. (yes, you can laugh at that).

“In acceptance lieth peace” ~ Hannah Hurnard

I accept it all, kind Father, often with great struggle, but thank you for loving me and being patient and kind. Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.

thank you for visiting my blog, friends.
you are loved