a charming library

I didn’t sleep well last night, I was fitful in a restless night for no reason. I was relieved to wake up the last time. I had a feeling it was a tolerable time to get up but I reached over and turned my phone on to check the time just to be certain. But then I placed it face down on the nightstand so I wouldn’t disturb my husband with the glow, missed, and it dropped and crashed flat on the bare floor with a sound like a shot. I got up. Or rather, I got down on the floor. I patted my hands around in the dark and found my phone; thankful to see it was 5:30 and I could end the night. I went downstairs. We are still in our New Hampshire cabin; we love it here. I finished a book that I found at a second hand shop that ended up being so heart felt and meaningful to me that I had to keep my notebook nearby so I could jot down quotes, here are a couple:

From the book WHEN SORROW COMES, by Grace Perkins Oursler published in 1950; (a book filled with gentle encouragement for loss and facing your own death someday)

“Lucky are the people who have already learned to search the Scriptures for the lines of particular value in particular need.”

“I’ve never known a reader but found the book he needed at the moment and for the occasion.”

“Hundreds before you have found freedom from the lash of remorse and guilt through the actual practice of repentance.”

“She had bettered the world she lived in.”

“All around us we recognize proof of Gods genius in converting waste into usefulness and beauty. With Him, nothing is purposeless.”

“We can never expect mercy and forgiveness if we do not in turn show mercy and forgiveness. The ones that are toughest to forgive call for God’s help and are a spiritual achievement to be proud of.”

And on and on, it’s a book rich with the wisdom of a thoughtful and observant woman. It inspired me to be what I already know I am; a good person who wants to love people. Within reason. There’s a disclaimer for you. I will be cautious but when I know a person is safe I’ll love them forever. In little ways. The ordinary opportunities that don’t shine very brightly are the ones I like best because it’s the closest thing to a secret. I truly feel best when I am hardly noticed. A background type of person, which is why I write. 🙂

I walked to the lake. When I got back Rich was awake and we decided to go to the coffee shop. I left a note on the fridge for the sleeping children and when we returned two hours later after not only coffee but the country store AND the library, the precious little angels were still asleep. I know, I was shocked, too. We got them up (okay it was me with my loud singing “I’m home I’m home and I have muffins for youuuuu”) we took them out to have some fun.

We ended up at the Funstop again for the second time because the other place (which had a sign out front “open year round”) turned out to be closed on Tuesdays. I ask you.

So we played mini golf (indoor) and then I read magazines while they played arcade games.

I don’t know why I’m recording all these details. But on the way to the Funstop the girls (Sarah and her friend from school who came with us as our guest) confessed that after we went to bed last night they got all ready for the hot tub “we even put our hair up in buns” (they both have very long thick hair) and were on our way out but Seth heard them and told then “Dad said to go to bed at 9:30 so we didn’t go out after all.” I told them they were such good children that they could have anything, anything they wished for I would grant. rather like that elf in that three wishes story—remember. You think the very poor man and his wife would wish for something profitable but nooo. In this case I was sort of playing a risky game. But it all worked out charmingly. What they ended up wishing for was “soda, from the vending machine”. At the arcade. It was such an adorable request….I say, it truly is the little things. I don’t know what it is about vending machines but they are a usual “no” from me, but this time I had to say yes and they were so cute and happy making their choices and pushing the buttons. It couldn’t happen fast enough.

Incidentally I got three holes in one but still came in third (I played w Rich and Seth who are both very very competitive as am I, but they are naturally better than I am. It is sincerely depressing. Lol) SOMEDAY. I bet if I ever do win I’ll feel bad bc they lost. They want the wins so badly.

So ummmmm. Oh yes the whole reason why I’m here is to share pictures from the library we visited today and to just say….Ethan and Sierra are getting married on Saturday. Just typing it makes me all excited. Our third child to have a wedding, can you even?

Just look at this charming place.

Just a few feet inside the door I saw this! A shoe organizer filled with not shoes but a birds nest collection! I collect them too! I have quite a few, they are like artwork, no doubt about it. Imagine building something like this with YOUR beak!!

And then, a butterfly display. Not only these nature items from God’s big beautiful world, but IN A LIBRARY. Books! Nature! A perfect marriage.

Rich called me over to admire the painted mural. Out of sheer habit, we had gravitated straight to the children’s section.

A charming wood carving.

They didn’t come out.

“It’s you!” Rich said, I followed his gaze and found a witch. I’m a sort of witch but I’m not wicked.

It was an elegant library, more about books and wooden furniture and shelving (all wood) and curtains and rugs and character than any I’ve ever seen. The library alone tempts me to change my primary residence to New Hampshire.

I must have been in a mood because even this thrilled my heart—how beautiful and generous! I love it.

And then to top it all off, a hobbit hole. Not that my son David has been wanting to live in one since the first day he read the book!! I texted him right away. And sent the video to my Hobbit loving family.

I snagged some free magazines to cut for scrapbooking and also a pamphlet so I can be a friend of the library.

Rich took this today; I love how you can see his shadow.

Happy end of the (tues)day friends! Think of me as we prepare for the big day on Saturday. All my kids except Seth and Sarah and Brogan are IN the wedding. (so-seven in the ceremony, Caleb as an usher). I have my mother of the groom dress I may as well share it now;

It was truly a God and me moment, He basically sent me in to Anthropologie a couple weeks ago and handed it to me off the clearance rack. What makes it special is ITS ETHANS FAVORITE COLOR!!!!!!! My sweet baby boy all grown up, I wear this dress for YOU.

why I am letting my hair go gray

(It’s really not that big of a deal but it’s fun to share and talk about.)

1. The amount of time that passed between dying the roots was getting shorter and I got tired of dealing with it. Tired of buying it, tired of applying it. I’m too interested in doing other delightful things in a day.

2. The EMDR therapy healed my brain to the point where I felt like I didn’t need to look a certain way anymore. I am comfortable in my own skin and no longer have the desire to dye my hair in order to appear younger (which was why I was dying it in the first place). I don’t fear growing older or having my hair “give my age away”. Aging isn’t causing me any anxiety anymore. at least aging hair 😉

3. I have a heart for realness. I felt that my dyed hair wasn’t me. And I wanted my real hair color back. I didn’t feel like my true self anymore. I am highly sensitive to everything, even looking into a mirror and seeing the way my hair looked. To me, my hair started representing more than just “hair”, it was something I could use as a way to feel authentic and real.

4. My sister stopped dying her hair, too. She inspired me. She’s younger than I am.

5. I came to a place where allowing myself to go gray was more of a sign of beauty and confidence than continuing to color it.

6. I go to a church, and a Bible study full of lovely white haired women. Their inner and outer beauty shines and I want to be like them in every way. I’m “joining the club” so to speak.

7. I didn’t like the zing on my scalp after I dyed it. I was never afraid of hair dye poisoning me or what have you, but it did irritate my scalp. This is probably my weakest reason.

8. Basically, it felt right in my soul. As soon as I committed, I had a new interesting joy and zero regret. My DIL Brittnee is tired of me showing her how the gray is growing.

9. My old lady friends said it’s going to take a long time. At first I felt defeated by time, but then I decided to embrace the process. it’s fun to watch it happen, sort of like watching a garden grow. little by little. It’s a beautiful lesson in life, to be patient enough to wait for what you want.

10. Incidentally, a few months ago I met a beautiful lady my age with gray hair. When I admired it she said that when she decided to stop coloring, she went ahead and shaved her entire head. Now her hair is long and thick and as I watched her tell her story I felt myself become truly tempted to emulate her. She said “Girl..you should” and even recommended collagen, but Sarah was already highly disturbed by the idea of her mother “looking like a granny” and the idea of her mother shaven sent her into distress.

My real hair!!!! I love it so much. Salt and pepper. Just like my Dad.

This is my own personal journey. I’m not trying to convince anyone or say that a person should be like this. I am a firm believer in “you do you”. And I love the uniqueness of every individual. I admire and enjoy all of humanity. I also believe in “changing your mind”, and while I don’t think I will ever go back to coloring, there’s nothing wrong with trying to go gray and then deciding it’s not for you and start coloring it again. Be confident and smile.

all these changes

A beautiful day. Just came back from a wander in the woods. And a first; I found myself reaching down to handle the moist cool earth, and underneath a log I found an empty snail shell. No sign of it’s inhabitant, so I brought it home in my pocket. There is dirt imbedded in my hands, and to my ears the birds sound beautifully quite full of new song. My steps crackled and crunched over leaves and twigs in the woods. When I came to a fallen tree I walked the length of it to try my balance. I heard spring peepers and saw a pair of mallard ducks, swimming gently down the stream (merrily merrily). I found an old nest! It was easy to get to. I carefully broke it away with its supporting branches and carried it home.

It’s a time of quiet and pensiveness for me—mother-me. The mother who is watching the birds and flowers bloom, gathering old nests and listening to songs, is the mother who is also preparing to very soon watch her son marry his darling, and another son chose a college and finish his senior year.

When the heart is full, it must overflow. Tears come as I think about the passing years. Wondering how I could have let them go without doing more, being more, loving more. I wanted to. And yet a mother is also a woman of her own, and during all those years I was also growing. Becoming more, (rather than DOING MORE) in other areas of life outside of motherhood. I can’t be disappointed about giving the children less than all of me, because then I wouldn’t be myself. They are secure in my love, and the love of their father and siblings. Together we grow in love and grace each day. and yet, I wish almost greedily, for more ordinary days of simply me, and them, together.

Caleb has not made the decision for school lightly, he gave it a great deal of thought and preparation. And now he is all set to attend Liberty University in the fall, a college about nine hours from home. Caleb, one of the “younger ones”. My sweet boy. I would rather not. And yet, the way it all worked out was “a shower of blessing” from above. Each thing that fell into place, each unexpected gift (such as a local life-long classmate of his as a roommate) (such as my best friends daughter also going) (such as him running into a camp friend), gave us such full hearts we couldn’t help but praise God and thank Him.

So it was, while Rich was with Caleb in Virginia, and I was at home with the others, that my mom texted with me with her own wise mother-words:

You will be a better Shanda as all these changes happen. I think I’m a better person now, more like Cindy should be. Not someone else’s person.

The truth of it all went straight to my heart and I knew she was right. And, like I’ve thought so many times before, if life is like a roller coaster I want to be the woman who throws up her hands and enjoys the thrill of the ride, (with some screaming now and then) rather than the one holding back in resistance.

Moss is the most vibrant green of New England in early April.
A shell from the forest, not the sea.
Found underneath a half-decomposed log in the middle of nowhere. I’m beginning to think that there IS no nowhere.
Mr & Mrs Mallard
The nest is now part of a house plant.

Sarah’s busy

“Mom come here. This is my pile of “to be read” books. So ….I’m going to wrap each one up in wrapping paper and number them. Then I’m going to write the numbers on little pieces of paper and put them in a bowl and pick one every time I’m ready for a book to read. So that’s what I’m going to be busying myself with for the next couple hours. Where’s the wrapping paper? Where’s the tape?”

“Tomorrow I’m going to come home from school and start reading for 24 hours. I’m going to take a nap first and then drink some coffee and read.”

She’s got one Dickens book she says she’s afraid to read because she’s going to have to read the dictionary with it. “Everyone should read a classic, even if you don’t know how.”

She said she got this one from Goodwill.

I find her, and life itself, very entertaining.

walking in a

winter wonderland.

I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.

And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.

The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.

I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.

“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”

If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.

Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.

How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.

Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.

Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.

“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23

Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.

Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”

“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”

“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”

“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”

“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”

Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.

Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.

We are truly blessed.

shards

It’s right there, see it?

I have some nostalgia for the Corning “Butterfly Gold” pattern because that’s what we ate off when I was growing up. So just for happy memory’s sake, and because it always catches my eye, I have been slowly collecting very inexpensive pieces of it one dish at a time in order to sell as a “lot” on eBay. I have curly handled teacups, a darling bowl, a few useful small plates, and one lonely dinner plate —so I was pleased to find a dinner plate mixed up with other random stuff at a thrift store last week. But when I got to the register to pay for it (a dollar) I felt a chip on the edge. “I’m going to pass on this,” I explained with regret, “it has a chip.” While I paid for the teacups the guy at the register tossed the poor plate up and down in the air. “These things are unbreakable,” he reassured me.

The next morning I got a text from Target telling me that my prescription was ready. I hadn’t expected to go back to town again so soon but I knew it would be just wrong if I went to Target without also running into the thrift store again even though I had just shopped there the day before. It would just be wrong, I tell ya. So in I ran and right away I found a whole bunch of nice shiny new fiesta teacups and saucers. And then!! Yes! One of those “Butterfly Gold” Corelle plates!

As soon as I got home I set to work washing things up and listing them. I was humming and getting into the flow of washing and scrubbing stickers off everything and it was just so fun and satisfying. Maybe I was even smiling to myself. But when I went to wash the Corelle plate I realized…..

….it was that same stupid plate from the day before! The same chip the same exact plate! I actually bought it that time! Like, I told them it had a chip and they put it right back on the shelves! And I saw it (me!! of all people!) and put it in my cart — two days in a row!! and actually completely bought it with a clear happy conscience (on the second day)!

I screamed into the house. (No one was home) “I can’t believe I did that!!” I cried. I could not believe it.

And then I threw it away. I felt kind of bad to do so, it really seemed to want to belong to me, but what else could I do? I can’t just keep chipped plates. Later on I told my mom the story and we laughed and she said, “You know, they always said those plates were unbreakable but when you drop one on the floor it smashes into a thousand pieces. Shards!”

NH to CT

It took a Sarah and I seven hours. I’m laughing so hard. We drove separately from the boys and stopped many times:

1. A thrift store in Tilton, NH called Tilton Village Thrift. It was one of those quaint towns where Main Street has shops all up and down with parking on the slant in fronts of them. It was a little over 30 mins from our cabin and it was a first time visit. Cash only so we held hands and walked to the ATM in a nearby gas station. We bought some treasures and then checked out a consignment boutique down the sidewalk where Sarah found a gray Champion hoodie and I a silver ring with a purple stone.

Wearing rings is secretly a way I feel safe, like armor. Silly but helpful. A grounding technique, I put them on to face the day so to speak.

2. We were hungry and were told that a good place to eat was the Tilt’n Diner. It was about 10 minutes from the thrift store. It was pink!! There was a 15 minute wait for a table but we were able to sit in the car because they took my number and called when the table was ready. The waitress was friendly. I had coffee and Sarah had coke. We read our books while we waited for our food. She had Mac n cheese and I had a Philly steak sandwich. We saved room for dessert: chocolate layer cake for her and coconut cream pie for me. They make their own potato chips there. The fries were crispy and the coffee was perfect diner coffee. We enjoyed the atmosphere and decor very much.

3. With full bellies we drove to another new (to us) place called Antiques on Elm, in Manchester, NH. I didn’t have nearly enough time to see it all. It was a great antique place with lots of vendors and a great building. Good lighting, heated, and something for everyone. Friendly staff, calm vibe. We found some great things at nice prices. I will definitely stop again.

This hand painted folk art plate was my favorite find today. I just love strawberries on things.
In fact I also found a strawberry tile trivet for my eBay shop.

4. Starbucks

5. Gas station for bathroom break and a bag of combos to munch during the last half hour to home.

Seth said “What took you so long?? Were you driving like a granny?” Caleb brought my stuff inside and ate my leftovers. Rich gave me a hug. I could tell they were all glad to have me back home again.

We are all settled, I’m in bed while they watch Outer Banks together in the living room. I’m in here because I would much rather read. I’m putting aside my current read to read a book that came in the mail while I was gone. It’s called Behind the Dress by Christine Faour, “One woman’s life in a religious cult and the healing that came after.” It will be a quick but interesting book for my ongoing personal education of cults, high control groups, and abuse of any kind. Sounds pretty grim, but the education is necessary so I can be aware for myself and my family.

Much love! I hope you all had a lovely Sunday. I would enjoy hearing from you and any little interesting part of your day if you would like to share. Are you reading a good book? Do you like strawberry plates? Do you eat in pink diners? Do you hug your daughter in the middle of thrift stores?