Indeed, she is much more than a mama. Are their words to describe the vastness of a woman? All she is and does, so quietly, loudly, energetically, gently, mindfully, and naturally? So natural that only God notices? And notice He does. Smiles down. Lifting her up higher. All is grace. All is good which comes from above and how can we say thank you enough?
Thank you for Brittnee.
Thank you for the way she loves.
Thank you for the wife she is to our firstborn.
Thank you for the ways she cares for her daughter, our first little grand-baby.
Thank you for her smiles and joy and wit.
For her honesty.
For her work.
Why are birthdays so grand? Because they celebrate life, one of God’s greatest gifts.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” says Jesus, in John 10:10
A rich and satisfying life that started years ago on this day for my precious daughter in law.
Happy Birthday Brittnee!
She came inside yesterday evening after a long day at work and swooped her sweet girl up with love and kisses. I snapped a quick picture because I’ve loved watching her become (so much more than) a good mama over the last year.
The astute observer will notice a second little babe growing …. won’t Lucy have the surprise of her life come February, when a new sister appears?
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
Good morning friends, here I am, still in bed upstairs in the NH cabin. The windows are open, and a fan in the window is powerfully pushing in the cool air of this beautiful still new day. And don’t you just love a new day?
How are you? I pray these early summer days have been lovingly warm and comforting for your sweet souls. Love is what matters most. And love can be found anywhere thanks be to an everywhere at once God (Who literally IS love, 1 John 4:7) and His merciful ways……in the very act of living itself, in a pet, a purpose, community, Scripture, art, relationships. Giving, creating. Knowing. Being known. Alive. Awake.
For God so *loved*…..
In the beginning, God *created*…..
Take my yoke upon you and *learn of me*….
For the very hairs on your head are numbered and He knows each tear that falls from your eyes.
The very eyes that were once blind, but now can see. See beyond the surface, we are “far from the shallow now.” We are in deep where life is an continual feast.
If I stop and consider all the ways I am loved my cup is neither half empty nor half full—it’s overflowing from an endless rushing fountain. I happily stand, flooded by love on every side. My house on the Rock stands firm.
As Mother I find my strength in Love. Yes, I have ten children, but I know now that I would be a mother even with no children of my own. Quite simply, mothering is half of my one whole Purpose. And as such, I simply must spend time basking, bathing, being consumed, in and by the love of God. Remembering. Believing. Accepting. Receiving. Only in this way will my weaknesses become strength.
To Mothers and Lovers, (Lover-the second half of this “life purpose” of mine), to mothers and lovers, grief is wild. To live here on earth, in this world, is to suffer deeply from pain and loss. As I woke this morning I remembered times throughout my whole life when the anguish of loss was so great I had to go into the woods to scream and cry. My body took over and my mind was lost. In this way, grief is a very dark and frightening place. At times the Mothers and the Lovers have no one near enough to console them in their passionate grief. This is where we end, and the mystery takes over. Questions unanswerable like “why”, “how” . And we learn another truth; even unanswerable questions have their own deep magic. Things unseen. The very definition of Faith. The hope of that Someday, when we know fully the things we only know now in part.
Faith, and Hope, these unbreakable divine powers, are how we keep on keeping on.
A beautiful day. Just came back from a wander in the woods. And a first; I found myself reaching down to handle the moist cool earth, and underneath a log I found an empty snail shell. No sign of it’s inhabitant, so I brought it home in my pocket. There is dirt imbedded in my hands, and to my ears the birds sound beautifully quite full of new song. My steps crackled and crunched over leaves and twigs in the woods. When I came to a fallen tree I walked the length of it to try my balance. I heard spring peepers and saw a pair of mallard ducks, swimming gently down the stream (merrily merrily). I found an old nest! It was easy to get to. I carefully broke it away with its supporting branches and carried it home.
It’s a time of quiet and pensiveness for me—mother-me. The mother who is watching the birds and flowers bloom, gathering old nests and listening to songs, is the mother who is also preparing to very soon watch her son marry his darling, and another son chose a college and finish his senior year.
When the heart is full, it must overflow. Tears come as I think about the passing years. Wondering how I could have let them go without doing more, being more, loving more. I wanted to. And yet a mother is also a woman of her own, and during all those years I was also growing. Becoming more, (rather than DOING MORE) in other areas of life outside of motherhood. I can’t be disappointed about giving the children less than all of me, because then I wouldn’t be myself. They are secure in my love, and the love of their father and siblings. Together we grow in love and grace each day. and yet, I wish almost greedily, for more ordinary days of simply me, and them, together.
Caleb has not made the decision for school lightly, he gave it a great deal of thought and preparation. And now he is all set to attend Liberty University in the fall, a college about nine hours from home. Caleb, one of the “younger ones”. My sweet boy. I would rather not. And yet, the way it all worked out was “a shower of blessing” from above. Each thing that fell into place, each unexpected gift (such as a local life-long classmate of his as a roommate) (such as my best friends daughter also going) (such as him running into a camp friend), gave us such full hearts we couldn’t help but praise God and thank Him.
So it was, while Rich was with Caleb in Virginia, and I was at home with the others, that my mom texted with me with her own wise mother-words:
You will be a better Shanda as all these changes happen. I think I’m a better person now, more like Cindy should be. Not someone else’s person.
The truth of it all went straight to my heart and I knew she was right. And, like I’ve thought so many times before, if life is like a roller coaster I want to be the woman who throws up her hands and enjoys the thrill of the ride, (with some screaming now and then) rather than the one holding back in resistance.
Moss is the most vibrant green of New England in early April. A shell from the forest, not the sea.Found underneath a half-decomposed log in the middle of nowhere. I’m beginning to think that there IS no nowhere.Mr & Mrs Mallard The nest is now part of a house plant.
“All these earthly goods were medicine for what ailed me, evidence that the same God who had breathed the world into being was still breathing. There was so much life springing up all around me that the runoff alone was enough to revive me. When it did, I could not imagine why I had stayed away so long. Why did I seal myself off from all this freshness? On what grounds did I fast from the daily bread of birdsong and starlight?” -Barbara Brown Taylor
Am I sad? I’m always a little bit sad. Who isn’t in this messy beautiful world? But these are a few of the things I am finding joy in lately:
Therapy. Two weeks ago I shared with my therapist-healer a traumatic memory that even in sharing it two years or more after it happened brought my emotions to a ten. Last week we used tappers to go through the memory again, already it was, like magic, shifting. Already it was below a five on the emotional scale. Today it is hard to put a number on it. Anything below a five is so much of a relief it’s beyond even using a number. It’s using a hallelujah.
Books. This year 2022 I am reading more than ever. I have a red-covered notebook that Elisha gave to me for Christmas that I am carefully recording each title as I finish it. Some of the books are lackluster, but when I come across one that shines it makes my heart sing. Reading has always been good for the soul for me. I have quite a stack waiting for me and I look forward to them like I look forward to cookies to cool so I can eat one.
Family. Rich is my comfort, companion, love, and joy. He’s back to work in office now, and we both believe that even though Covid was heavy, it made our relationship better than ever. The children are doing well and keeping me challenged. I was thinking this morning about the simple words a friend shared with me the other day; “Don’t give up”. So often lately I have found myself impatient with myself as I mother my two youngest, forgetting that they deserve the attention and freshness that the older ones had from me. Instead of curling up with a book this afternoon I plan on investing in them, I know their hearts and I know the love we share can be rekindled and refreshed at any moment. We can go for walks, play a game, I can listen better to their stories that I often feel I have already heard a thousand times….but I haven’t. Not from them. Middle school life is new and exciting for them. Being 11 and 13 is amazing and wonderful for them. And for them, I won’t give up. Being intentional is half the battle. Poor things don’t know what’s coming. Lol
Nature. As always, a walk through the woods, or even something as simple as an open window letting in fresh air and birdsong lifts my spirits.
Cats. Art. Friendship. Food. Home. Music. Shopping at goodwill deserves its own separate post. Travel. Writing. The list grows even longer. Isn’t life grand?
But above all these things is love. 1 Corinthians 13
“moment by moment new mercies I see.”
Happy day my friends. Let me remind you and me both….we are greatly loved.
As soon as the queen awakens, she is presented with both the morning’s news and with pressing problems to solve.
With coffee in hand, she waves in the first child; who requests a ride to the grocery store for “pizza dough so we can make pizza for lunch, there’s pizza sauce in the pantry.”
The Queen rarely wishes to give rides, so she demands the child to make his own dough. He leaves, satisfied with her ruling.
The next child is welcomed. She hands the Queen a folded up piece of notepaper, with a tragic expression written (not just on the *said paper*) but also upon her pretty face.
After reading the note, the Queen Mother is not surprised to be encouraged to write back, “now”. The child will wait.
The Queen has never hired a scribe, as she takes pleasure in writing all her own notes.
Thus begins a rather lengthy discussion, involving tears (on the child’s part) and gallant stifled amusement (on the Queen’s part). They share possible solutions, reminders of past times, comforting AND uncomfortable truths, and a baring of souls. Finally, seeing no end in sight and feeling that she had reached the end of her resources, (and also rather hungry for breakfast), The Queen eventually makes a proclamation:
“I have said all I can say on this topic. The rest is up to you, child. Life is full of times that are less than ideal to our personal wants and wishes, and we must all figure out life’s riddle; how to make do with Plan B.”
There was no applause. So she sent them away from her presence. By this time she had also been back and forth from the kitchen several times to help the dough-making-boy, and it was time to dress in her royal garments.
I color the gray roots of my dark hair this morning in the bathroom, wearing one of my husband’s t-shirts and a pair of denim shorts, I feel young and healthy. I put on make up and go out to get my nails painted princess pink. I am alone and I am quiet. The sun is hot and I am walking among strangers. I am calm but little nostalgic tears are waiting behind my green eyes. Expressive and pure emotions are close to the surface. Two sides of the same woman; empty but full, sad but happy, proud yet down in the dust humble, tired but expectant, lonely yet full of love, strong yet wanting to hide, busy yet letting everything but the important things go for now, remembering everything yet wanting to push memory aside, I am thinking about Jacob’s baby face looking up at me in our first house while knowing he’s about to be married and he sends me a photo of himself in his tux because he went to pick it up today.
I find myself studying that photo with every blink of these mother eyes showing me the man and the baby, both.
I mentioned a few posts back that my daughter Grace is engaged to be married this coming June 12. We have been busy making plans and on Friday we were intending to drive five hours to her (she’s in Pennsylvania, a senior in college) so that we could do the following:
and by we, I mean myself, my husband Rich, my sister Amanda, her daughter Naomi, my son’s fiancé Brittnee, and my daughter Sarah.
check into the hotel, where we had reserved two entire suites so we had plenty of room.
get Grace from college so she could be with us for the weekend.
go to my brother David and his wife Ann’s house to visit
go out to eat with them, adults only, while the girls watched a movie at their house
go back to hotel to sleep
go back to David and Ann’s for more visiting, and breakfast
leave from there to drive 2 hours to a bridal salon that Grace’s fiancé’s grandmother used to own, which still contains some of the dresses she had stocked there herself.
spend time supporting Grace as she tried on dresses and hopefully find one
then go back to the hotel
church with Grace and Brogan, and my best friend Joanna, on Sunday morning
bridal shower for her on Sunday afternoon
I was a little anxious about these plans because of the sheer magnitude of them. These were plans upon plans and more plans. However, I went through the week trying not to think much about all that we wanted to do, and instead, just took things one day at a time, one event at a time, one chore, one afternoon, and sometimes one hour, at a time. Also, maintaining a sense of flexibility and humor is a great help.
Well, then we got word that the bridal shower was now going to be a “drive through” shower because of Covid.
Then, we got word that the Bridal shower was being cancelled entirely because of Covid and the desire to keep people safe.
And THEN, on Thursday, the day before we were supposed to leave for this adventure, Grace called to tell us that there was Covid in her dorm, Covid elsewhere on campus, and she herself had a “sore throat but it wasn’t that bad and it already went away.” Her Dad and I talked about what to do. She wasn’t able to get a rapid covid test until the next day and if we waited until then we would lose our deposit on the hotel rooms. We DID want very badly to be there for our daughter, as it was an important weekend for her. We DID NOT want to drive all that way and then end up not being able to do anything. We also felt there was a slight but very real chance we ourselves could get the virus and then what would we do (manage, but still). We talked to mom and dad and they helped us with the hard but sensible decision to stay home.
Grace was on her own. But wait, noooooooooo………that’s not true, because she never was and never will be on her own. God in His love and kindness arranged the weekend for her ahead of time, and He knew that she would be just fine. She had her rapid-Covid test done (which was negative!!) and with relief, she was able to continue with her dress shopping. She’s tired today, yes, but on Saturday, with her mom and dad and (some) siblings watching and involved through a zoom meeting (!!!!!) she found the most beautiful wedding dress of her dreams. Brogan’s loving and capable Grandmother helped her each moment. And then today she was taken out to lunch at a pretty club by Brogan’s family and given some lovely gifts.
It was a great lesson for us, because yes as parents we have great responsibility for each of our children and no one can take our place in their lives, but at the same time, we are not so important that we can’t step back and let go when absolutely necessary, and watch them handle life on their own, with God’s help and with the help of friends and sometimes even strangers. Truly there is no need to be anxious, only expectant.
Grace is being showered with encouragement and love (a bridal shower, of sorts) in a variety of ways. As her mama I see it clearly, and I’m sure there are a lot more stories she could tell me. How could we keep from smiling?
We wish we could have been there in person, but really, it did work out beautifully.
We all have stories like this we could tell. Isn’t it encouraging?
This is the moment that Sarah was waiting for. The moment she found out that she was going to be asked by her big sister to be in her wedding as her “Junior Maid of Honor”.
“I will cause showers to come down in their season; they will be showers of blessing.”
The children had the day off from school today. It was a beautiful sunny day, so bright it almost made me squint. I was able to sleep until 8:30 and then got up to make coffee. I sat at the table and wrote letters and David sat next to me eating his pancakes. When he sneezed a bunch of times he asked me if I thought sneezes became more forceful as a person aged and I said I didn’t know. Then we talked about lungs and how sad it was that people smoked or vaped and damaged their good lungs in such a fashion. Dave started sounding a little judgemental so I tried to tell him, “Humans are weak creatures, Dave.” “Well, it’s a good thing I’m not a beta male,” he said as he got up to put his plate in the sink. “What in the world does that mean?” I asked. “Beta males tend to be followers. That’s not me. I’m an alpha male.” in all seriousness.
I laughed and laughed.
Later on, I asked Caleb and then David if they wanted to go downtown with me. I was thinking about coffee and postage stamps. They both declined. Caleb declined in a friendly absentminded fashion, but David declined hesitantly with fear that he was hurting my feelings, maybe. I said not to worry,” wouldn’t you feel worse if I just left without inviting you?” “I would say ‘Where’s Mom?'”, he admitted. Right.
I didn’t invite Seth and Sarah. They were a bit overwhelming today. They’ve found a new passion and it’s noisier than bottle flipping. They’ve begun “dice stacking” instead. To do this you need “casino dice” and straight-sided cups. Well, we don’t have casino dice (they have been ordered after Seth wore me down) so every board game in the house has been ransacked for regular dice. As far as straight sided cups; two of my plastic spice jars have been emptied into sandwich bags and two containers of baking powder have also been put into baggies and their metal tops cut off with a steak knife. Seth and Sarah do this dice stacking game and also play with their plastic animals, which involves taking books out of the bookcase to make platforms for them. Everywhere they go they leave behind messes and I love it. (and make them clean them later on)
“Whoever turned the bathroom into not a bathroom better fix it,” David said in his best alph male voice. Turns out that Sarah turned it into an animal land (remember my theme song?) The sink was full of water and there were animals posed everywhere and David just couldn’t use the bathroom like that.
I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW DEEP DOWN THANKFUL I AM FOR THESE CHILDREN!!!!!!!
Caleb, who complains too much but then gets goofy and then comes to give me a hug and almost knocks me off balance and says “I hope I can cook as good as you someday.”
David who so obviously enjoys being near me and watched Forrest Gump with me yesterday and shed a tear or two and plays the piano and puts himself on a fitness schedule and feels bad when he tells me no when I invite him places.
Seth who snuggles next to me in the evenings during TV time and sings me *Mom Is a Good Mom* songs and wants to give me hugs to hurt my bones and brags that his feet are the same size as mine and is so noisy sometimes that I tell him he’s being annoying and he pretends to get offended but he’s smiling with accomplisment.
And Sarah who loves to read and plays and holds her own with her brothers and was the only one who went out trick or treating last night and is the only daughter at home now and wants to be just like her big sister Grace and is NINE already and my baby.
What would I do without them? Or their three older siblings? My heart aches with love and longing. Longing for what? I guess just for all of it, to remember it and look forward to the rest of it, wherever God leads me as a mother, I don’t have many regrets. The biggest one being that I cared too much about sleep at times. Really, sleep is overrated. Yes, it’s scarce for years but then it returns. I would say now; don’t worry. And if the child can’t nap now and then that’s okay, too. I used to be such a stickler for naps for the children. It was my only free time of the day. But I wish I hadn’t been. I wish I had just rolled with it more. I did get more lax through the years. Typical I suppose. We even let Seth and Sarah stay up later at night …… we like having them with us. We know how fast they grow.
I made a big big pan of apple crisp today and David peeled the apples for it.
It’s been a nice day.
Here are some more Washington D.C. photos from Sunday:
Washinton Monument……sky high and ringed around with flags!
The sneakers that hurt my feet.
The two older boys were wrestling in their first meet of the season and we decided to sit and rest. Rich checked the live feed just as Ethan was in his match! Simply providential!
Ethan wrestling…..as we sat in the shadow of the Washinton Monument, watching proudly. Kinda sweet!
Rich at the Washington Monument, “lean on it” I said. So he did. The Lincoln Memorial is seen in the distance behind him.
The reflecting pool looking toward the Lincoln Memorial.
(I love how it turned out with the sunshine.)
soooooooo beautiful
And then, the moment I was waiting for……my favorite president:
His birthday is February 12.
My birthday is February 12.
We are birthday twins!
This is one of the many reasons why Abe is my favorite.
There was a crowd but I had Rich wait, and work, and angle to make it look like it was just Lincoln and me.
words of Lincoln
Rich trying to see if he could find Jacob’s wresting match.
Shows the greatness of the columns and the monument.
Lincoln Memorial looking to the Washington Monument
Arlington Memorial Bridge (the cemetary was closed by this time and we didn’t get to go inside).
We walked 9 miles on this day. The only body part between the two of us that got tired was my feet. And I blame my sneakers for that. When I came home I bought new ones.
The McDonalds in town was being renovated for months and months this winter and as soon as we could, Rich and I took the kids there to see what it was like after it was completed and open for business again. While we were there, David took this photo of us.
David taking a nap with Sherlock.
Sarah and I made pies. As usual, my homemade crust was disappointing. I’ll never get it right.
I was sitting in the recliner when Grace got home!! After a flurry of activity welcoming her back, with lots of hugs, I sat back down. Soon I noticed that children were all around me so I had David (who was also sitting on the floor in front of me) take a photo. My heart was full to bursting.
Weekend box of donuts. Dave was so happy he ran around the house with them before settling down to enjoy. I believe he ate three.
Saturday. Sarah had a friend over for the morning. I took this photo as they were all enjoying Youtube videos and were so cute. David has my robe on. He’s like my twin or something. And you can tell Seth is happy to have his big sister home.
We wanted a photo with Caleb but he wouldn’t cooperate.
Michael and Grace, with sick Sarah in the background. Yes, we are still going through the *end of winter sick-bug* here. Currently, I am the last one recovering. I’ve been sick for three days but thankfully last night’s sleep was much better and I feel I’m at the end of it now.
cookies!
Grace and I went for a walk together on Monday.
Sarah being cute.
Grace in the morning with our beautiful Bagheera.
Sick Sarah with her things all around her. (the loaf of bread is a squishie)
I discovered Caleb sleeping in my bed one afternoon.
Sick mom with a big ten year old on her lap. This was right before I pushed him off. 😉
Grace and I (and Walter) have been working on a puzzle.
RIch was away for two nights and one of those nights I stayed up watching The Office with Grace and Dave. It was fun.
Then, I said I was going to bed so I went in my room. But a cat followed me, so as I was chasing him out, Grace and Dave got in my bed before I could! It was so funny. I love my children SO SO much. And I think they like their mom just a little bit, too. 🙂
Pretty Bags
Me, last night after a nice long long bath.
I had to share this photo of my brother. He had a nice hair cut and beard trim and sent me a photo of himself. This man is a constant comfort and friend to me, my dear brother Dave.
Every morning when I get up I am attacked by three excited cats waiting for their one and only can of catfood for the day. But yesterday we ran out so I had to post this sign by their food bowl to let them know.
Last but not least, Rich got home safely last night and the dog Facetimed with Ethan at college.
David, Caleb, Seth, and Sarah have today and tomorrow off from school and I was telling them that I would make pancakes for breakfast but David complained and he said “I’ll still be asleep and miss out, as always.” My quick thinking mind came up with a solution. “I know, Dave! I’ll just bring you some in bed and after you eat them you can go right back to sleep!” He shut his eyes and smiled like a pleased cat. “That would be AWESOME.”
Good to be Home 