I woke up last night at about 3 and I couldn’t go back to sleep for a long time.  I actually don’t even know if I ever did fall back to sleep.

 I starting thinking about CHURCH STUFF, which is my term for some of the darkest days that I’ve had. . . . a bad church experience that the Lord has graciously used to grow me spiritually.  But, unfortunately I still feel very damaged spiritually.  I wonder if I will ever have an innocent, childlike faith again.  Like my husband said, “SOMEONE HAS POISENED THE WATER HOLE”. 
I was awake thinking that I needed therapy and then I remembered that I already have a Great Physician Who knows exactly what I need to heal.
I am begging God to lead me through my devotions and prayers to just BE OKAY again.  I want to be okay.  I want to be able to live my life without doubts and fears of “what people will think”.  I do not want to be bitter or angry, either.  I want to be soft, understanding, and tenderhearted.

I started meditating on this hymn:

Day by day and with each passing moment,
strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is KIND BEYOND ALL MEASURE
gives unto each day what He deems best-
LOVINGLY, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with PEACE AND REST.

Ev’ry day the Lord Himself is near me with a special mercy for each hour;  all my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me, He whose name is Counselor and Pow’r.  The protection of His CHILD and TREASURE is a charge that on Himself He laid;  “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,” this the pledge to me He made.

HELP ME then in every tribulation
so to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
offered me within Thy holy Word.
HELP ME, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’re to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

On my list of things to do today:
Meditate on the THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR. . . . . . .

O love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
i yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
my heart restores its borrowed ray,
that in thy sunshine’s glow its day
may brighter, fairer be.

o joy that seekest me through pain,
i cannot close my heart to thee;
i trace the rainbow through the rain,
and know the promise is not vain
that morn shall tearless be.

o Cross that lifteth up my head,
i dare not ask to hide from thee;
i lay in dust life’s glory dead,
and from the ground there blossoms red
life that shall endless be.

*George matheson, 1842-1906

*George Matheson was an esteemed Scottish minister who was totally blind.  The following are his words in regards to this beautiful hymn:

” My hymn was composed in the manse of Innelan on the evening of the 6th of June, 1882, when I was 40 years of age.  I was alone in the manse at that time.  It was the night of my sister’s marriage, and the rest of the family were staying overnight in Glasgow.  Something happened to me, which was known only to myself, and which caused me the most severe mental suffering.  The hymn was the fruit of that suffering.  It was the quickest bit of work I ever did in my life.  I had the impression of having it dictated to me by some inward voice rather than of working it out of myself.  I am quite sure that the whole work was completed in five minutes, and equally sure that it never received at my hands any retouching or correction.  I have no natural gift of rhythm.  All the other verses I have ever written are manufactured articles; this came like a dayspring from on high.”

When we sing this hymn in church it never fails to stir my spirit.  The reason is clear:  it is not a “manufactured article”, but a “dayspring from on high”. May our sufferings also bear such fruit;  sincere, genuine, and godly fruit that glorifies God alone.

O love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be.

O light that foll’west all my way,
i yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
my heart restores its borrowed ray,
that in thy sunshine’s glow its day
may brighter, fairer be.

o joy that seekest me through pain,
i cannot close my heart to thee;
i trace the rainbow through the rain,
and know the promise is not vain
that morn shall tearless be.

o Cross that lifteth up my head,
i dare not ask to hide from thee;
i lay in dust life’s glory dead,
and from the ground there blossoms red
life that shall endless be.

*George matheson, 1842-1906

*George Matheson was an esteemed Scottish minister who was totally blind.  The following are his words in regards to this beautiful hymn:

” My hymn was composed in the manse of Innelan on the evening of the 6th of June, 1882, when I was 40 years of age.  I was alone in the manse at that time.  It was the night of my sister’s marriage, and the rest of the family were staying overnight in Glasgow.  Something happened to me, which was known only to myself, and which caused me the most severe mental suffering.  The hymn was the fruit of that suffering.  It was the quickest bit of work I ever did in my life.  I had the impression of having it dictated to me by some inward voice rather than of working it out of myself.  I am quite sure that the whole work was completed in five minutes, and equally sure that it never received at my hands any retouching or correction.  I have no natural gift of rhythm.  All the other verses I have ever written are manufactured articles; this came like a dayspring from on high.”

When we sing this hymn in church it never fails to stir my spirit.  The reason is clear:  it is not a “manufactured article”, but a “dayspring from on high”. May our sufferings also bear such fruit;  sincere, genuine, and godly fruit that glorifies God alone.

The words to this hymn are a blessing to me.

God Sees the Heart

God. . .knoweth the secrets of the heart–Psalm 44:21

Our God measures man by a standard divine,
For He sees underneath every outward design.
He looks past possessions and costly attire;
He studies the heart-every thought and desire.

Our God does not judge by how tall we may stand,
Or how much we possess, or the rank we command.
His gaze goes far deeper to things that endure;
He honors the man who keeps his heart pure.

For the eyes of the Lord are searching to and fro.
We have no secrets that our God does not know.
Our Father knows our thoughts;
He understands every part.
Man sees the outside, but God sees the heart.

Words written by Jamie Turner

The words to this hymn are a blessing to me.

God Sees the Heart

God. . .knoweth the secrets of the heart–Psalm 44:21

Our God measures man by a standard divine,
For He sees underneath every outward design.
He looks past possessions and costly attire;
He studies the heart-every thought and desire.

Our God does not judge by how tall we may stand,
Or how much we possess, or the rank we command.
His gaze goes far deeper to things that endure;
He honors the man who keeps his heart pure.

For the eyes of the Lord are searching to and fro.
We have no secrets that our God does not know.
Our Father knows our thoughts;
He understands every part.
Man sees the outside, but God sees the heart.

Words written by Jamie Turner