messy beautiful

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Shanda

so I did, this morning and I also burned my finger terribly. I had three cookies for breakfast.

Sharing my heart..

I was lovingly reminded yesterday that God is not waiting to come down on me like a hammer everytime I get my toe out of line…….and then, this morning I read this verse, “The Lord doesn’t see things they way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Lord KNOWS MY HEART. When I don’t even know it, He knows it. He knows I want to please Him, He knows I beat myself up all day long over my percieved failings, He knows that I grieve and cry and long and hope and desire and love and give and give and make myself vulnerable and I fail and fail but I’m loved and I’m beautiful to Him.

In life’s choices, I choose HIM. To think this way is freeing to me.

He cares for me like no other. He knows I am nothing but dust, he knows my messy humanity and He understands. He knows I’m treading water here, trying to keep myself breathing. (Please don’t worry about me, I’ve never tried to keep depression/anxiety/perfectionism and my super-sensitivity to life and these things a secret. I’m okay, and people can be okay even when dealing with strong emotions.)

Anything that makes me small and Him big……is a good thing. Even though it can be painful. In this way, self righteousness is dealt with, and a true understanding of my need (and His provision!) is realized. No, I don’t want self righteousness or sanctimoniousness (from myself…..or others, either.) It creates fear. “Your boasting is not good. You know that a little yeast leavens the whole bath of dough, don’t you?” I corinthians 5:6…

We are to have mercy, and show love and grace. To others…..and to our selves.

“I want your constant love, not your animal sacrifices. I would rather have my people know me than burn offerings to me.” Hos. 6:6

So, Mother’s day weekend. On the inside I was a storm of thoughts and emotions, but on the outside……life continued and there was joy and smiles and love. How funny it all is! A perfect mix of sadness and joy, love and sorrow, good and bad, seriousness and frivolity. So topsy turvy! “It is what it is” Maybe someday I’ll find an even keel. (yes, you can laugh at that).

“In acceptance lieth peace” ~ Hannah Hurnard

I accept it all, kind Father, often with great struggle, but thank you for loving me and being patient and kind. Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.

thank you for visiting my blog, friends.
you are loved

friday

Posted on May 10, 2019 by Shanda

happy mother’s day

The last time I was visiting at my parent’s house I was able to look at some old family photos.

Mother’s day is on Sunday and I am thankful beyond words for my mom, and great grandmothers and grandmothers, all the women who contributed to who I am today.

thank you for loving me

Violets (february birth flower) and Lily of the Valley (May birth flower) in a sage teacup by my sink.

I had a manicure this morning and also saw six orioles at the neighbor’s feeders.

It’s cold and gloomy outside but I am looking forward to seeing Jacob and Ethan later and tomorrow we are going to PA to get Grace for the summer. I am very thankful to be able to see all seven of my children this weekend.

“He crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us….He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. He knows how weak we are.” Ps 103

Happy weekend, friends.
you are loved.

me

Posted on May 9, 2019 by Shanda

all of these lines across my face…….
tell you the story of who I am……
so many stories of where I’ve been……
and how I got to where I am…….

~brandi carlile

Today I’m looking like a bum. I laugh, I smile, I walk, I clean, I think, I dream, I feel everything deeply, I read books that might help, I play music…..and I have these photos from just an hour ago. But they only show the outside of me. Only I know what’s real (on the inside) and I’m okay with that.

***

thank you for stopping by, friends!
you are loved.

it doesn’t take much for a heart to glow

Posted on May 8, 2019 by Shanda

Good morning friends! After a raining evening we awoke to a glorious sunshine. Rich took this photo of me at Seth’s little league game the other night. ‘Tis the season. Tonight we have three things going on; David at a track meet (really want to go), Seth at little league (want to go, slightly) and Caleb at a band concert (music trumps sports, IMO). Therefore, the band concert is where I will be.

I was so tired yesterday that I went to bed at EIGHT THIRTY and slept all night. I got up a couple times to get a drink but never fully woke up. Then this morning, when Caleb dared to come right in the room to ask for lunch money, Rich got up to help him and let me sleep for another hour. It feels so good to sleep again after months of restless nights.

As I sit here, I still feel like I could go back to bed and sleep.

However, I have dirty laundry washing, a load in the dryer, a big basket of clean n’ dry to fold, a cake in the oven (dinette), the dishwasher going, and am going out to lunch soon. No time for sleeping.

It’s also the time of year when I’m constantly going for the camera to take bird photos so bear with me. Maybe you like birds, too?

This one was from yesterday evening when it was raining (again). I thought the drops of rain on its feathers was pretty. It sat nice and still so I could get close. I was out on the porch for a while as it rained, it suited my tired mood.

A Heron visited the pond, which is how I got out on the porch in the first place, as Caleb came inside to announce “There is a big bird by the pond, Mom.”

He wasn’t happy about it though because he does not want the fish eaten by a heron. He wants to catch them himself.

In fact, when I see worms outside I think of Caleb. Yesterday I rolled over a log and found a nice big one and put it in my pocket. Thank goodness Rich saw me do it because hours later he had to remind me to get it back out again. (I had changed out of my skirt and into jeans). The worm was still in the pocket, as moist as could be which I am sure was a survival tactic as pockets can be rather dry places for a worm. I said, “Caleb I have something for you,” and you should have seen his face when out came a worm from the pocket. We put it in a small box with dirt in it for when he goes out to fish again.

I kept telling him to smile and he just kept twisting his ears.

Somehow a log ended up in the pond and all day it floats slowly around. Sometimes I see it on one side, at times it’s in the middle, or the other side, but it always has a turtle or two on it. I want so much to add a whole fleet of logs and see if each one will gain a passenger or two. Maybe I’ll even add sails. How charming would that be? Turtle boats.

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Irridescent feathers in the EVENING TIME

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Different lighting (same spot) MORNING TIME….. are you the same bird? I can’t tell.

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Sweet little bird and do you wonder how I got the yellow background? My forsythia bush was in the distance and blurred out as the camera focused on the bird.

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showing off a fine suit of clothing (made entirely of feathers!)

David went outside in the evening to shut in the chickens for the night and caught a spring peeper. I was thrilled.

Spring is made more beautiful because of their sweet singing. Look at those toes.

I haven’t stopped reading the Newbery books. I’m currently on this one and I love it. I’m a forever fan of Nancy Farmer now. What a bright and original mind she has. This is the second Newbery book I’ve read by her.

I made this huge pasta salad yesterday.

But the rabbit got a dandelion salad. (possibly more healthy)

We babysat our neice! She’s so so so cute and looks so much like Isaac (her dad, my baby brother).

After Isaac and Cassandra came back we ate pasta salad and hamburgers and played a game of PIG which I won (as always), humbly noted.

Last but not least.

The beautiful Marsh Marigold (New England wildflower).

******

Thank you for the comments left on my blog posts! I do wonder sometimes if you guys see my replies, as I try to reply to most comments, can someone pretty please let me know if they are seen? Should I bother? Thank you. xo

Happy Wednesday, friends!
You are soooooo loved.

“Make someone happy, you can you know,
It doesn’t take much for a heart to glow.”

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but my heart.”

PS, the cake baked to a nice golden brown and smells so good. I wish I could give you a piece!

last night’s moon

Posted on May 7, 2019 by Shanda

my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is my portion forever

Last night we were driving home from a little league game when I noticed the moon was a beautiful sliver in the sky, thin and barely noticable and I loved it.

Anything that pulls me out of my thoughts and into the present moment is a good thing, and nature always does this for me.

“Let’s trust God and see what He has for us. He loves us more than we can imagine and He will give us strength no matter how things go.” ~notes from my scrapbook

you are loved.

weekending

Posted on May 6, 2019 by Shanda

“Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.” Erich Fromm

hellloooooooo

I have something to say to you!

The sun is shining for the first time in (what feels like) years!

How was your weekend?

I’ll tell you all about mine.

First of all, Rich came home super early on Friday to surprise us. And with all the extra time, we decided to take the children bowling. Dave didn’t want to go, so it was just Caleb, Seth, and Sarah. We all bowled our best in the first game. Rich got like 5 strikes and I myself got my new P.R. which was 113. The next game wasn’t as good. In fact, Seth made me laugh when they all watched me accidentally release my bowling ball in such a way that it went up in the air and then halfway down the lane with a boom. I turned around in embarrassment and he said, “Mom, this was you,” he made the same motion that I did throwing my ball in the air, “here you go, Lord!”

It was much fun.

THEN

on Saturday……the boys got haircuts while Sarah and I went to a consignment store.

The clothes that I am wearing were the actual clothes I had worn to the shop. The only thing I bought myself was a cute sweatshirt. Sarah found a bunch of things, including this April Cornell dress. I used to love buying Grace their dresses and was happy to find this one, and not only that but Sarah actually liked it, too.

Then we went to get the boys who were all done and waiting.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I turned right and drove completely over the curb. They all saw me do it with basically these same expressions. They ridiculed me and Seth said, “Woman up, Mom!” in a rebuking way. It made me laugh because I had worn a tshirt two days in a row that week with the words “woman up” on the front. Apparently it made an impression on him and gave him the words to say when I ran over the curb.

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We went home to change and I put on my new gray sweatshirt and then we left for baseball games………. it was FREEZING COLD and I was a big baby the entire time. It didn’t help that Caleb’s team lost terribly.

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We did some walking around and around the field. (keeping an eye on the game)

David had a friend to hang out with, Sarah read a book, and Rich sat next to me in our lawn chairs. We also ate wraps and cheetos and I had a scone (which is why we had to walk).

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Caleb catching.

He’s really good at it. Funny note, a few years ago he became “famous” for making chicken sounds and everyone in baseball (including coaches) STILL calls him Chicken despite the fact that he has deep regrets and doesn’t make the sound anymore.

Back home gathering eggs. I was happy to find five, as they usually get eaten by the hens. These were saved because a hen got broody and sat on them.

As you can see, the grass is turning green.

Sarah fell asleep on me. (heart melts)

Our college children each sent us a selfie. Cannot wait to get them back home for the summer. In fact, Rich and I are going to get Gracie this weekend.

Beautiful Sarah; this is my favorite photo of the weekend. Taken with my new iphone X! Portrait mode! And…..she’s wearing one of her new shirts from shopping with me.

We went on a 4 mile walk in the cold (she ended up wearing her Dad’s sweatshirt) and then went downtown for ice cream.

A favorite place to stop for a bit is an abandoned house.

We picked flowers.

Took selfies and photos. It was so pretty and felt secretive.

I thought of my dad when I took this at someone’s house by the road in the neighborhood. The wood is stacked so very carefully. Art.

When we got back home we found the boys watching tv and Seth sound asleep looking angelic.

This morning I fried the dog an egg. He waited just long enough for me to take a photo for the family group chat before he scarfed it down.

*****

It was fun to sit here and type although hard with these long fingernails.

Happy Monday friends, with lots of love!

(please leave a comment and let me know how you’re doing!)

“I never knew love had a sound until I heard you laugh.”

blessing

Posted on May 5, 2019 by Shanda

From His abundance, we have all received
one gracious blessing after another. John 1:16

Have a happy Sunday my friends,
You are loved.

new song

Posted on May 3, 2019 by Shanda

I’ve been listening to this over and over.

this morning at 7:40am

Posted on May 2, 2019 by Shanda

In one of my happy spots.

You are loved.

flowers

Posted on May 1, 2019 by Shanda

Last week I was tiredly standing in line for the bathroom at Trader Joes when I heard a man say cheerfully “We’re here for another free sample.” I looked up from the floor and down the hallway to see a young Dad, dressed in a plain sweater, jeans, and a casual rumpled suit coat. His hair was dark blond, long, and pulled back messily into a pony tail. He had his little girl with him and she looked to be about four years old. Her hair was cut in a bob with bangs across her forehead and her hair was charmingly windblown and messy. Her face was clean, open, and happy and she was wearing a sweet feminine dress with a full skirt. The free sample was for her, “I don’t know why but I just liked it so much I had to have another one,” she explained happily.

I was seeing with my heart. Something about this little girl drew me out of my sad little world and into her pure and joyful one.

It was my turn for the bathroom and then I continued shopping.

As I paid for the groceries, the little girl and her Dad were just leaving their line at another register. As she walked by me and my cashier, she flung a wilted dandelion on the counter for the cashier as a gift. Not waiting or looking for a reaction, and with her Dad smiling at her, she continued to leave the store, flinging different flowers at each register, even the registers that weren’t open. I had a distinct feeling this was all her idea, and my heart smiled to think of her busily picking flowers before going to Trader Joes with her Dad. I also had the feeling that he had nothing to do with his daughter’s kind pursuits. He was standing back and watching and keeping her in his sight with a proud smile. It was like they were in their own quiet and beautiful little world.

I took my cart and left the store. I was heart-worn and weary from days of crying and working through my own personal challenges. I walked behind the two of them and headed toward my vehicle, leaving them behind me, my mind returning to it’s own gray thoughts again.

I heard the fast slapping of little running feet and before I knew what was happening, the little girl was at my side ……handing me a flower. I looked down at her, seeing the innocence and happiness of a sweet angel child. I bent down and asked her for a hug and she flung her arms around me and nuzzled her nose back and forth lovingly into my neck. I’ve raised seven four-year-olds so I am an expert judge of their hugs and this one was as precious as any, and warmed my soul.

Rich was in the car waiting for me. I put my head in his lap and cried as I told him what I had just experienced. His heart melted too as he said, “Shanda, that little girl was you. You are a giver and your loving and thoughtful personality is a gift to the world. You and she are the same.”

The heart sees what it knows. It recognizes. It loves.

I’m almost positive the next time I go to Trader Joes I’ll be taking flowers, too.