very personal

Posted on January 15, 2008 by Shanda

I had an attack of fear today. . .it came gradually until by the time Rich came home at 5, when I saw him, all I could do was start to cry. My husband, after “all these years”, knows what to say and do to support me during these times. Tonight he gave me a choice. I could go out to dinner with him and the kids. I could stay home alone while he went out to dinner with the kids. Or, I could go to the kitchen with him and we would make dinner together.

I explained to him that I was feeling no desire to spend any more time with the children. I cried and felt terrible when I said it, but it was true.

He took the children out to dinner.

When they pulled out of the driveway, and I knew no one would witness the spectacle, I turned off the lights and cried and prayed out loud to God and told him truthfully everything I was thinking and confessed my fears. I prayed for a while and then I read my Bible out loud. I read chapters in John, in the dark, with only the light of the fireplace to help me read.

After I read for a while, I started to feel peace. I got up and turned on the lights and played some hymns on the piano. I sang some of them, too.

Listen!

“Though sorrows befall us and Satan oppose, God leads His dear children along;
Through grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes, God leads His dear children along.
Some through the waters, some through the flood,
Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
In the night season and all the day long.” From the hymn, “In Shady Green Pastures” by G.A. Young

and, this one:

Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today;
The depths of my sad heart are troubled; O waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish sweep o’er my sinking soul!
And I perish! I perish, dear Master; O hasten and take control!
The winds and the waves shall obey Thy will, peace be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, or demons, or men, or whatever it be,
No water can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and skies;
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will; Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will; Peace, peace, be still! From the hymn, “Master the Tempest Is Raging” by Mary A. Baker, 1831-1921

God did put peace in my heart again. I am feeling peaceful right now. I felt like Rich and the kids were only gone for half an hour, I thought they had just gone to town. But, Rich said, “What are you talking about? We were gone for 2 hours.” That was the fastest 2 hours I had in a long time!

“I am the Lord thy God. . which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go.” Isaiah 48:17

This is really personal and I just can’t put the comment feature on. (**edit below)

I wanted to share in case someone is feeling the same way today.

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**Joanna emailed me and told me to put the comment feature on so I will trust her and do it.

photos from my little walk yesterday morning

Posted on January 10, 2008 by Shanda

I’m still not feeling well. I do hope that soon I will have more energy. The weather was so nice yesterday that I did go out and drink my coffee by the side of the stream.

Spent the majority of the rest of the day on the couch.

My spirits have been low, but I am leaning on Christ at this time (and all times), knowing that my body needs rest and time to heal from the stress and busyness of the holidays and being sick.

For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring. Is. 44:3

Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. Is. 12:3

“Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of HIM, and he would have given thee living water.”

In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. He that believeth on me, as the Scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” John 7:38

And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in droughts, and make fat thy bones: and thou shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. Is. 58:11

It’s been so warm that the ponds have water on top, I thought it was so pretty how the wind was making ripples in the water.

I thought the underside of this tree fungus so lovely–the design and the color–

some red in my pocket. . .to take back home with me

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Later on in the day, I tried out my new tripod:

“Oft I tell Him I am weary, and I fain would be at rest;

That I’m daily, hourly, longing to repose upon His breast;

And He answers me so kindly, in the tenderest tones of love,

I am coming soon to take thee to my happy home above.”

hope

Posted on November 26, 2007 by Shanda

Anyone else tired and blah today? Anyone else blue?

I am tired out. . and when I get over tired I start to think negative thoughts. I start complaining about myself in my mind, “I’m getting old” “If this is what I am like as a 31 year old, what on earth will I be like when I’m **?” “My back hurts. Will my back ever feel better again?” “My shoulder is aching, too. I guess I’ll probably end up with arthritis soon” “So I have aches and pains? I’m sure even WORSE things will happen at some point.” “You are so terrible! There are so many other people out there who have worse things going on in their lives. So you’re tired and achy, get over it!!!!”

On and on. This is my struggle. Lack of faith, lack of love for God. I say that, because, when I focus my energies on thinking of MYSELF, I am not looking at God. . .I’m being SELFISH and self centered.

Then I started thinking about Rich’s Grandma. Remember I did a post about her giving away her dishes? I thought, here is a woman, a Christian Woman, an OLD lady (she’s 90-something), and she never seems to have any struggles with her attitude. I compared (bad to compare, very unwise!) myself to her. I saw myself today as someone who has a great potential to grow old in a very cantankerous way. Or, perhaps, giving up the fight. Like, “ouch my back hurts I guess I’ll just stay in bed today and make everyone wait on me hand and foot.”

“I’ll never be able to grow old gracefully like Grandma.”

I’m in the midst of a big pity party when I go get the mail–and low and behold, a letter from Grandma. The kids were all in bed so I dove into my own bed to read it. Right off the bat she mentions the essay I wrote about her for my blog:

Dear Shanda–

I can’t believe you put that out on Internet! You make one sound so good . Just remember I am a sinner just like the worst of them. . . . . .

She wrote more but that was the part that stood out to me. “I am a sinner just like the worst of them”. Friends, I cried when I read that! Did I think she was “perfect”? I guess, in a way, I did. Naive of me, because of course she has struggles and problems, I see that now but, . . . . . .I still believe there is something about old age’s wisdom. What is different about her? What do I see in her that I don’t see in myself?

I could very well be wrong, but I think it’s patience. I think it’s acceptance and trust in God. Waiting. The wisdom of knowing what life on earth is. It’s growing old. It’s good and it’s bad. It’s easy and yet hard. You need to be brave and fight, and yet you need to trust like a little child. It’s going through trials without having a fit. . .it’s about letting go of my “control” and letting my life be held in God’s hands. It’s knowing that I will never be perfect on earth, (and neither will Grandma.) “I’m only a sinner, saved by grace!” And, according to Romans, patience leads to HOPE. . .now there’s a word to meditate on!

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace
with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

By whom also we have access by faith
into this grace wherein we stand,
and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also:
knowing that tribulation worketh patience:

And patience, experience;

And experience, hope:

And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God is shed abroad
in our hearts by the Holy Ghost
which is given unto us.

Romans 5:1-5