Anyone else tired and blah today? Anyone else blue?
I am tired out. . and when I get over tired I start to think negative thoughts. I start complaining about myself in my mind, “I’m getting old” “If this is what I am like as a 31 year old, what on earth will I be like when I’m **?” “My back hurts. Will my back ever feel better again?” “My shoulder is aching, too. I guess I’ll probably end up with arthritis soon” “So I have aches and pains? I’m sure even WORSE things will happen at some point.” “You are so terrible! There are so many other people out there who have worse things going on in their lives. So you’re tired and achy, get over it!!!!”
On and on. This is my struggle. Lack of faith, lack of love for God. I say that, because, when I focus my energies on thinking of MYSELF, I am not looking at God. . .I’m being SELFISH and self centered.
Then I started thinking about Rich’s Grandma. Remember I did a post about her giving away her dishes? I thought, here is a woman, a Christian Woman, an OLD lady (she’s 90-something), and she never seems to have any struggles with her attitude. I compared (bad to compare, very unwise!) myself to her. I saw myself today as someone who has a great potential to grow old in a very cantankerous way. Or, perhaps, giving up the fight. Like, “ouch my back hurts I guess I’ll just stay in bed today and make everyone wait on me hand and foot.”
“I’ll never be able to grow old gracefully like Grandma.”
I’m in the midst of a big pity party when I go get the mail–and low and behold, a letter from Grandma. The kids were all in bed so I dove into my own bed to read it. Right off the bat she mentions the essay I wrote about her for my blog:
I can’t believe you put that out on Internet! You make one sound so good . Just remember I am a sinner just like the worst of them. . . . . .
She wrote more but that was the part that stood out to me. “I am a sinner just like the worst of them”. Friends, I cried when I read that! Did I think she was “perfect”? I guess, in a way, I did. Naive of me, because of course she has struggles and problems, I see that now but, . . . . . .I still believe there is something about old age’s wisdom. What is different about her? What do I see in her that I don’t see in myself?
I could very well be wrong, but I think it’s patience. I think it’s acceptance and trust in God. Waiting. The wisdom of knowing what life on earth is. It’s growing old. It’s good and it’s bad. It’s easy and yet hard. You need to be brave and fight, and yet you need to trust like a little child. It’s going through trials without having a fit. . .it’s about letting go of my “control” and letting my life be held in God’s hands. It’s knowing that I will never be perfect on earth, (and neither will Grandma.) “I’m only a sinner, saved by grace!” And, according to Romans, patience leads to HOPE. . .now there’s a word to meditate on!
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace
with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith
into this grace wherein we stand,
and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also:
knowing that tribulation worketh patience:
And patience, experience;
And experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God is shed abroad
in our hearts by the Holy Ghost
which is given unto us.
Rich took the photos of me and Caleb on Saturday night when we were getting ready for our “before bed” snack.