Well……. the baby is home from school today and the baby is now nine. I’ve been making her cake all morning and it won’t be done until later on….. after two baseball games. Also son David is currently at states for hurdles (!!!!).
(My brother David is having a hard time signing into my blog…..let me know if it was a struggle for you and how you fixed it. Thank you!)
Back to the nine year old. She’s on the couch on her stomach playing Geometry Dash on her brother’s kindle with her bare feet up in the air. Grace and Brittnee are here as well, but they are in the other room talking to Pastor Gary because (happy news!) Brittnee is getting baptized this summer. Hopefully in our pond like David and Caleb before her. (pond blessings)
Back to the nine year old.
She’s had a nice day so far. She’s been playing with her little plastic cats that she loves so much. She drank delicious hot chocolate made with cinnamon and vanilla, served by her sister who says she’s “practicing for when she works in a coffee shop”. She ate homemade macaroni and cheese also made for her by her sister who knows how to make a great pot of comfort pasta. She went for a walk with Grace and me in the wet wet woods. It’s 58 degrees today and as cloudy as all get-out.
I always noticed the peonies on this day…..because when Sarah was born on a beautiful Sunday morning in 2010, the peonies in the flower garden were in bloom. This year, they are still tightly closed. It’s facinating how each spring is a little different.
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Here are nine photos for the nine year old; some of my favorites from the past week or so.
you are friendly and funyou are smart and strongyou have a pretty smileyou have a delightful spirityou are healthy and full of energyyou are gentle and kindyou are loving and goodyou bring peace and sparkles into a roomyou are a blessing
Happy Birthday to our beautiful girl. Mom and Dad love you so much dearest Sarah.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
I am a collector of words….words said and words read. I love most them, although there are painful ones I wish to forget, seared into my mind, and replaying on a loop. My wise mom assures me (with wise mom-words)….. that “time erases”.
I keep at least one journal nearby at all times, and if I happen to be out and about without one, the “notes” app on my phone will do in a pinch. I constantly write thoughts, copy quotes, and things overheard. I’ve saved almost every letter written to me throughout my life.
I love that the Bible is “the Word of God” and that the world was created by His word.
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.” Psalm 33:6
What will we do with our words? In some ways they are the greatest gift we can give. Encouraging, uplifting, lovely words. Run for a pen!
The Bible truthfully says we can do a great deal of damage with them, too. Start fires, for example.
“And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body.” James 3:6
So, I pray.
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14
“I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself…….” Psalm 119:28, 29
I haven’t wept today. But I told Grace over and over that I wasn’t going to be happy and I didn’t want her or anyone else trying to cheer me up because it was not going to work. After the kids left for school I ate a yogurt and then went on a walk. I listened to a MLJ sermon and when a car went by me I wondered if it would hit me, without really caring too much. However, by the time the walk was over I realized that I had the interest & energy to go to Target. Not for fun mind you, but for business. I told Grace, “I’m going to Target…..” She lifted up her face (she was reading) with a hurt “she doesn’t want me” expression. To which I replied, “…and you’re coming with me!” I warned her though, that it wasn’t going to be fun.
We made our way to Target and she read out loud from the current book I’m in; Beartown. I just want to get it done so I can move on to the next one. Grace is a willing reader but she starts out with a normal voice and tends to get quieter and quieter. I try not to say anything. Every once in a while I might lean toward her and say politely, “What was that word?” but for the most part I take it as a listening challenge. With her help I got through three more chapters.
We went to Target and I parked crooked. This proved to be wise as it helped us find the car after our shopping (they all looked the same).
I had a matcha latte and Grace had a chai latte. We shopped but it was a bust as the hoverboard I need to buy Sarah for her birthday was not there. We did get the plastic cats though. When Christopher rang us up he asked how our day was going and I said, “Not that great.” and Grace said, “I’m trying to have a nice day.” And I explained, “It’s hard for her because she’s with me.” and Christopher said to Grace, “I understand.” I think he was flirting with her.
We made our way to the next shopping destination. I won’t get into it but I will say I bought earrings, a necklace, and a skirt for myself and it made me no happier.
And then we went to a bookstore.
All in all, I wouldn’t call it a fun day but despite my dogged determination, I laughed quite a bit.
P H O T O S
We live nowhere near a donut shop so I was asking myself questions when I came across this random donut on a walk yesterday.I always stop here and stretch on the bridge railing while looking for ducks. Golden Alexander by the side of the road.This was that chicken I was talking about in the last post. I ended up adding rice and veggies to it and everyone ate it. David also made avocado toast and came over to me so I could admire his plate. On our way to Seth’s band concert. The trumpet section was so bad that even I had to laugh to myself. I couldn’t help it. It was charmingly terrible. Sarah went with me and I was glad to have her as I was close to crying through the whole thing. Not because of the trumpets though. This is the first photo I took today. Helpful words. I’ve been admitting it all day (and rather enjoying it, too). I dunnoThis is a fake smile. At the bookstore, I was amused. “Angry crying is faster than sad crying. Also more violent.”
Knife tears!!!!!!! Who thinks of this stuff? for us Anne lovers, look at this cover!! It was an independent bookstore owned by a Mother and Daughter who moved to CT from FL for the husband’s job. I bought used Newbery book for a dollar and it turned out to be one I already had, (Yolanda’s Genius, do any of you want it??) and also a book for Sarah’s birthday. (not the knife tears one).
me and my first brother my brother Davewe improved with age…..and today is his birthday. Happy Birthday to you my very first best friend. Now we are 43 and 42. Can you even?
Grace and I went for a walk and she wanted to take my picture (“you look like you don’t have pants on”) so I made my “I’m not going to be happy today” face. We stood in the road and laughed so hard that I said, “We would have never gotten as much pleasure out of a smile.” And she agreed.
I’m holding an ice cream cone and wearing Rich’s sweatshirt. And new sunglasses.
When facing the unknown, hope is as reasonable as despair.”
Rich is away today for a meeting by the shore of Connecticut. Jacob and Ethan are at work, Grace is home with me and cheerful, David, Caleb, Seth, and Sarah will be home from school soon.
I did a lot of crying yesterday but look! I’m still here. I’ve felt like crying a few times today (even now) but so far…..have been able to restrain myself. I feel quiet and calm and deep down sad. This is an improvement over yesterday’s “my heart hurts so bad make it stop sobbing”.
There is a chicken bubbling in broth on the stove with celery, onion, and seasonings. When it’s done I will let it cool, take the meat off, and add it back to the broth with noodles for dinner. Or maybe I’ll make biscuits. This is an improvement over yesterday’s dinner of “nothing”.
Seth has a band concert tonight. Have I told you he plays the trumpet? He’s 10? A new player? Not very good? And it’s loud?
I went for one walk today so far and did some reading. Mainly I’ve been parked here in my favorite spot on the couch most of the day with my camera nearby to snap photos of birds visiting the porch feeders.
baltimore oriole, hopping off the railing to the grape jelly below
They were fussing at each other (oriole and female rose-breasted grosbeak)
“and what is wrong with YOU”, I asked the cardinal
I saw six lady-slippers by the trail.
ground-ivy by the side of the road (“It is used as a salad green in many countries.”)
I think this is called “Celandine” and I read that it is poisonous to chickens. It’s growing and blooming on the side of the road.
In all their affliction He was afflicted. And the Angel of His Presence saved them; In His love and in His pity He redeemed them; And He bore them and carried them all the days of of old. Isaiah 63:9
My mom wrote this verse in my journal for me when we visited last.
tiny soft pinecone
“He started carefully down the trail, knowing that at any moment something unexpected might happen……knowing that nothing was exactly what it seemed to be.” Anpao (newbery book) page 183
back at home with Grace, Bible, journal, markers
Then, my friend Bridgette sent me a link to an article about Charles Spurgeon and I read it with interest and copied down some quotes.
After this I continued reading Beartown and rested for a while.
Caleb just got home from school, Grace is reading and I’m going to go for my second walk and try to get the rest of my steps done (10,000 per day).
Thank you for stopping by, friends, you are loved.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7
Here she goes again, typing about misery and woe. Oh the feelings of deep feelers. If only we could do something to numb the pain. Like alcohol or drugs perhaps? But that won’t work, will it? We need something a bit more righteous to help us through the tough times. This is what helps me:
crying. a lot.
breathing deeply
talking to someone I trust
writing writing writing writing
blogging
music (I am very selective about what I listen to when feeling blue, as certain songs can plunk me into the depths of despair at the drop of a hat)
watching TV. Star Trek, don’t laugh, is a safe show for my nerves. I am not forced to feel anything deeply (important) while watching Star Trek….. and it very often puts me to sleep.
hugging people, animals, trees, pillows, or even my own self
doing the next thing (I hung laundry outside today while crying)
keep loving.
reading. I read the Bible and my current book (Beartown by Fredrik Backman) but something I love to do while depressed (love?while depressed?….such an oxymoron) is have my journal ready for every.single.good.quote that I come across.
Like this one,
“People say that sorrow is mental but longing is physical. One is a wound, the other an amputated limb, a withered petal compared to a snapped stem. Anything that grows closely enough to what it loves will eventually share the same roots. We can talk about loss, we can treat it and give it time; but biology still forces us to live according to certain rules: plants that are split down the middle don’t heal, they die.”
Beartown, page 138
(Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity)
walking outside
noticing nature
being ready to laugh when possible (look for humor) Like the other day when I said “I don’t want to go to Costco I’m depressed” and Brittnee replied, “You can’t be depressed. You have too many children to be depressed.” I had to laugh.
taking photos
cleaning something
being honest without being a complainer (there is something magical about being honest, it really does help lift the spirits)
praying
stomping the feet (preferably with loud shoes on), sighing deeply while groaning, putting something away a little bit louder than necessary, or shutting a door or cupboard harder than needs be. I would never suggest smashing fiestaware.
Here is something (I confess) that I do all the time that never ever ever helps: RUMINATING OVER ALL THE THINGS THAT AREN’T HELPFUL. What if? How can I fix it? Why? Will this thing happen? How did it that thing happen? I’m afraid! I’m not strong! I can’t do this! I simply must make sense of this! Who what where when why?
Can anyone please tell me how to shut off my mind? I would really appreciate it.
A true blessing these days is that I’m able to sleep at night. That’s one way to stop thinking!
photos from today:
“Sarah hold still so I can take a picture of your hair, it’s getting so long.” “Can you cut it?” “No” Ethan went to a lacrosse game yesterday and came across his old wrestling coach (old as in former and old as in age). This man always has goats with him and shows up at random sporting events looking like he just got out of bed and off the farm. He had some rather rough looking potted pansies in his truck and told Ethan to bring one home for me. Wasn’t that nice? Also, morning coffee, box of writing utensils, open Bible, pages of quotesLea Ann’s proof of life selfie. What a blessing to have a friend who checks to make sure you’re alive.lunch for three whimsyIt’s a cat. It’s fiestaware.
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Caleb came to sit with me and is rocking back and forth quickly in his chair and eating a roast beef sandwich. Jacob came through the house and came outside to say hello to me after work. Sarah is playing a cat game in my flower garden nearby. Rich just got home.
**sitting in the sunshine**
“That’s both a big and a small thing. Knowing that there are people who will never abandon you.” Beartown page 50
Having to make my blog private, my former readers must send a request to me through wordpress in order to be accepted as a new viewer. When the request comes to me I am given NO information about you except your chosen username. The problem for me is, I feel that I need to know who you are, and a few of you have chosen usernames that have no meaning for me as your humble blog creator/writer.
I need to feel comfortable here, so I ask that you (don’t be shy) leave a comment today and tell me anything you want to tell me….(for instance, what’s your weather? Are you wearing socks? Do you know me in real life? Have you read my blog for long? How did you find it? What made you go through the effort of requesting access? What’s your real name? Do I know you from past comments and interaction on the blog?) Any ol’ comment will do!!
I would truly appreciate it. I have a list within my settings of each of your usernames (only names, no email addresses) and I will be keeping track of who I hear from. If I NEVER hear from a particular user, I will have to remove that person from my readers list simply because I have no idea who you are. This in the long run will make a more comfortable way for us all to communicate here.
If you’ve already left a comment on the previous post you don’t have to leave one here unless you really want to. I always love to hear from you, my dear friends.
ummmmmm…….. so thank you to those who have figured out and made the attempt to continue reading this humble blog of my life and thoughts.
I have been experiencing intense misery and woe but as I sit here I am filled with the desire to express it all with frankness and humor. If you can’t laugh about your misery and woe then it has its evil hooks in you and that’s just not a nice feeling ask me how I know this.
Gosh, life is hard sometimes!!!!! Isn’t it?
But then again, Jesus loves me this I know, and despite the misery and woe I find myself uplifted and laughing even after I stubbornly fold my arms in front of my chest, stick out my lower lip, and think, “I refuse and I’m simply NOT going to enjoy this day today.”
Saturday was one of those days! I simply failed to believe I would even smile. I had cried so much the afternoon and evening and night before that my eyes were practically swollen shut. I was not feeling pretty, or good, or worthwhile, or hopeful, or confident, or anything along those lines.
THE CHILDREN SAVED THE DAY. Why? Because Sethers had a baseball game. Therefore I had to get myself dressed and get my butt out of the house. Because baseball games are OUTSIDE, therefore the sun was shining upon me. (Try to be filled with misery and woe while sitting in sunshine, it’s hard to keep up.) ALSO, ALL MY CHILDREN (except David) went to the game to cheer on their little brother. (This sent not a little joy through the cracks of my heart.) Also, Seth hit a homerun!!!!! To be honest, it would have only been a triple but the ball was overthrown to third and he was able to get to home on that error. You should have seen his proud face when he came over about 10 minutes later. He silently approached with the look, “I’m coming because I just know my mom is going to want to tell me how awesome I am.” And he was right, I did. His Dad and I sat in our chairs, sat in the grass, sat on the bleachers (we get restless at these games) surrounded by our children plus our Brittnee and our Michael and had (dare I say) fun.
Grace kept bonding with tiny caterpillars. Sarah played with new-found temporary friends (it’s what you do at your brother’s games) RIch and Michael wrestled in the grass. Jacob took his latest Steven King book and didn’t read it and then forgot it (but Sarah grabbed it for him) Ethan, Caleb, and Jacob played catch. We all got our first sunburns of the season to varying degrees. Brittnee’s knees especially. The game seemed to drag on forever……but….. Seth’s team won!
And then we all went out for pizza.
Here I am, in obvious misery and woe (and waiting for my coffee, also starving because I only had a yogurt for breakfast at 5:15am and it was 2 and I hadn’t had lunch.) Surrounded by the people I love.
Here I am wondering why my photo is being taken in such a state. And Ethan being Ethan, how I love him.
And……..Sarah pulled me out of myself by opening her heart and saying, “Mom?” and I said “Yes, Sarah?” “Caleb told me I could play the Playstation but then he and Seth played it so long I didn’t get a chance and blah blah blah blah blah.” Her little troubles, I realized ,were MUCH more important than my big ones!!!!!! As I always do, I listened with a loving and understanding expression on my face. (LOL)
As I leaned across the table at her, I said, “I think what you’re asking me is “Can you play when you get home? “Yes” “Okay, then, you may”. Problem solved. And then I laughed, what else could I do? I forgot David wasn’t with us and I asked Michael to take a family photo of us outside the pizza place.Being himself, he had to take one with himself in it.….and then I said, “Brittnee, too!” I was so happy to get a whole entire family photo and we walked to the car while I looked at the photos and wondered why there were only six children surrounding us and then I realized, “Oh yeah, Dave is at a track meet!!” and my woe came back. Michael said “Settle down, it’s okay!” And I guess it was, but I miss David in these photos. By the way, he got another PR in hurdles. I’m going to blog more about this, but here I am in the church downtown after a community concert to celebrate our towns 300th anniversary!!! Can you find me? I look rather pretty. (toward the left). Rich took us girls out for ice cream afterwards and Sarah looked so picturesque that I asked him to take this photo. She’s wearing her sister’s boots and I think, “Pippi Longstocking” whenever I see her in them. (She wore them to school today)
Thankful for: a healthy sense of humor even as I struggle that toad I saw yesterday evening hopping purposefully toward my flower garden the bookbag I’m carrying around everywhere I go that says “baby got books” on it and it’s indeed got books in it along with fine tip markers, a journal, Bible, and magazines. Gives me life. my family and the things they do and say rocking chairs on the porch matcha tea lattes my cats and you, my friends
You are loved. Thank you for being here. Please pray for me as I will also pray for you today. Be encouraged, we have each other!!! and lots of love. We can do this! and the rewards of eternal life are unspeakable. Heaven’s not now……but it’s coming.
“How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in Him should ponder them.” Ps. 111:2
“If the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36
“For the despondant, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.” Proverbs 15:15
Last week I walked past the *up the road* neighbor’s house and she had a bunch of thoughtful birdfeeders, therefore she also had a bunch of happy birds, including (I counted) SIX baltimore orioles. As they don’t eat bird seed, I noticed she had a tray of jelly to tempt them for a visit. I love Baltimore Orioles, they are always a thrill to see with their bright orange feathers. I remember finding an oriole nest once, filled with fat baby birds. I remember taking a photo of a bald eagle and seeing an oriole in a branch above. I remember seeing an oriole in the sky, flying after another bird up the road, away from its nest. I’ve taken photos of them and it’s always a good bird day when I get to do that.
So I thought rather enviously, that I would buy some grape jelly, with just *a little bit* of hope that maybe one would come to my not-as-thoughful birdfeeders. I had *some* hope, but not very much. I half- heartedly bought the jelly and half- heartedly put it in a plastic dish (as purple as the jelly) and half -heartedly put it on the porch. I didn’t have great expectations but I did have curiousity and wanted to see what would happen.
Two days later………..
Joy!
(HOW DO THEY KNOW??????????????? Can birds smell grapes out of those hard beaky noses?)
As I thought about this, I at first I believed that I had NO HOPE in them coming, but then I thought, “Well, I must have had SOME hope, or I wouldn’t have put the jelly out in the first place.”
~no hope means giving up…..thinking and doing nothing with our desires/goals (big or small)
~some hope means any amount of thinking and doing……… and living life curious…. because after all, that desire/goal (big or small) just might come to fruition
so I did, this morning and I also burned my finger terribly. I had three cookies for breakfast.
Sharing my heart..
I was lovingly reminded yesterday that God is not waiting to come down on me like a hammer everytime I get my toe out of line…….and then, this morning I read this verse, “The Lord doesn’t see things they way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
The Lord KNOWS MY HEART. When I don’t even know it, He knows it. He knows I want to please Him, He knows I beat myself up all day long over my percieved failings, He knows that I grieve and cry and long and hope and desire and love and give and give and make myself vulnerable and I fail and fail but I’m loved and I’m beautiful to Him.
In life’s choices, I choose HIM. To think this way is freeing to me.
He cares for me like no other. He knows I am nothing but dust, he knows my messy humanity and He understands. He knows I’m treading water here, trying to keep myself breathing. (Please don’t worry about me, I’ve never tried to keep depression/anxiety/perfectionism and my super-sensitivity to life and these things a secret. I’m okay, and people can be okay even when dealing with strong emotions.)
Anything that makes me small and Him big……is a good thing. Even though it can be painful. In this way, self righteousness is dealt with, and a true understanding of my need (and His provision!) is realized. No, I don’t want self righteousness or sanctimoniousness (from myself…..or others, either.) It creates fear. “Your boasting is not good. You know that a little yeast leavens the whole bath of dough, don’t you?” I corinthians 5:6…
We are to have mercy, and show love and grace. To others…..and to our selves.
“I want your constant love, not your animal sacrifices. I would rather have my people know me than burn offerings to me.” Hos. 6:6
So, Mother’s day weekend. On the inside I was a storm of thoughts and emotions, but on the outside……life continued and there was joy and smiles and love. How funny it all is! A perfect mix of sadness and joy, love and sorrow, good and bad, seriousness and frivolity. So topsy turvy! “It is what it is” Maybe someday I’ll find an even keel. (yes, you can laugh at that).
“In acceptance lieth peace” ~ Hannah Hurnard
I accept it all, kind Father, often with great struggle, but thank you for loving me and being patient and kind. Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.
thank you for visiting my blog, friends. you are loved
Good to be Home 