I look all around me. Do I have too much stuff? It is rather difficult to keep 1,000,000 various objects in their place. And yet, this is what I enjoy. Interesting things. At least now I am selling Interesting Things on ebay. I only mention it because of a little story I have to tell.

I was at Goodwill with Sarah over a week ago. We were making this stop amongst other stops. She wasn’t feeling her best so I was being as time efficient as I could be, walking over to the toy section last. She was right by my side when I found a small troll buried in the stuffed animals and dolls. “Mom, put that thing back, its disturbing.” It had wide round eyes, painted on eyebrows, and hair as long as it’s body, hair that was as fine as cotton candy, and even pinker. Somehow I was attracted to the little guy (what this says about me no one knows). It was just weird. Plus it’s hair was soft. I just liked it. I couldn’t put him back, especially when I noticed that he was a dollar. Not only a dollar but also his particular color price tag was half off…..making him a whole two quarters. “If no one wants him on ebay, I’ll keep him,” I argued. “Mom, no, please, I hate it.” “I love him!”

He sold yesterday for 55 dollars. Today I will pack him gently in his box and say goodbye. I’ve had such fun watching his price go up over the week. I told the girls that once I bond to an object, I cannot sell it. This was a close call. But off he goes, to his new and happy home, to a collector with many brothers and sisters for him to stand at attention with. I hope he doesn’t forget me.

I was told recently that I’m not the sort of woman people forget. It pulls out some sort of very uncomfortable feeling inside of me, an unsafe feeling, like “Why? I don’t understand,” followed by tears.

I just came to me that maybe that’s part of the reason.

So I feel safe and cozy in my home full of treasures. I realized that it is not materialistic, but wholesome and good to love our homes…..to tenderly care for our possessions with respect and gratitude. Dusting, rearranging, blessing,…. these beautiful emotions as we handle our things are God-honoring. Our places and belongings are both held loosely, ready to be given up, AND held tightly, rather like a hug, with prayers of thankfulness, to use for good; welcoming friends, serving, having parities, having a “Holy Spirit” house of openness. This is why I absolutely love to cook and clean. I have my favorite window cleaner, a multitude of cleaning products (thank you Family Dollar), brushes and scrubbers, and many stories I could tell just about my vacuum cleaner.

For instance, we have mice. Mice live here. Or rather, are lost here. Our cats have taken to bringing their LIVE catches INTO the house. This is different from years past when they would LEAVE their DEAD catches outside on the DOOR MAT. THAT’S the rule for cats. But NO. Now they bring them in, put them down, and off they run. Mice and chipmunks. No birds yet. So anyway, I realized that once a mouse has been chased around and scared half to death, it is in the perfect physical condition to be vacuumed. Its tired of running. Its defenses are down. What’s a tube of air-suction compared to a cat? Basically an amusement park ride! So yes, the vacuum cleaner is also a mouse trap. I can take the whole canister outside and let the mouse go. It doesn’t go very fast, but it does go. Hopefully far far away.

It’s a frosty morning. Rich is taking a call in the living room before driving in to work. I’ve had a cold all week, and also how is it only Wednesday? The sun is shining brightly and quite distractingly. I made an apple pie yesterday for dinner, along with goulash (baked with lots of mozzarella cheese and pepperoni on top), and fruit salad.

I had to take Seth to practice after I made the dinner. David wanted to come along. David has had some struggles lately and has found himself bored with no phone or playstation, so has been rereading some of his favorite childhood books (the Percy Jackson series) which we own but have proven hard to locate on the many many shelves of this house (I love having so many books). He couldn’t find number four, or five (or was it three and four?) and actually wanted to go to the library. All his idea, so yes I was thrilled. …. David leaving his room to go with his mom to the library? Awesome. The angels were singing. I was singing. Off we went. Dropped off Seth, dropped of Sarah (at cheer), and went to the library. We had a good half hour before Caleb was done with football practice (we had to pick him up) so we both found some books and let the library soothe our nervous systems (late afternoons tend to slightly rattle us all). Since we had time, we sat and read our books until Caleb called, then we went to the desk to check out and !!!!!!!!!! why is this always and forever happening to me?! “Your card is blocked.” the nice lady said. “Four books were checked out in March and never returned. They need to be returned or the fine is seventy dollars.” She searches the shelves just to be sure. I didn’t even REMEMBER the books (they were Sarah’s). We asked to see if David still had a card to use. The nice lady helpfully looked him up. “This card is flagging a family fine of 120 dollars.” I start to get the giggles (I can’t help it, life is so weird, so ludicrous). “But,” she continued, “David’s card only has a three dollar fine, so I’ll let him use it just this once. We have to renew it though. Is he over 18? “Yes,” I say proudly, “he’s right here, and he’s twenty.” “Do you have your license with you?” “No” “Any piece of mail with our name on it?” “No”. “You’re going to hate me………”

Turns out if you’re over 18 you have to have proof of address to renew your library card. He had no such proof so we hung our heads and left the library ……..without any books.

Caleb and three friends bouncing down the road toward the library, so stopped to pick them up. They had all been in football practice and were loud and very very smelly. They had to cram tightly into the backseat (four HUGE teenage boys) with their backpacks on their laps. The outside boy had to try shutting his door three times. “Move your knee! It’s your KNEE!” My car instantly smelled of cow-barn with all these dirty sweaty boys.

I drove home after a disappointing library experience, plugging my nose and listening to Caleb and his friends talk about the most random of subjects, laughing a little and thinking, “This is so weird. Is this really me? Is this my life?”

They lifted weights in the home gym and then came inside and ate all the food, (with my blessing) but not the pie, the pie was for my husband.

Speaking of my husband, his call is up. He just came to me to say, “Just so you know. There’s a chipmunk in the living room. It came out and looked at me during my call and then ran off.” “Was it lively?” I asked. “I’ve seen more lively.” He replied. “You might want to shut a couple cats in there with it.”

With that, he gave me a kiss and left the house.

SUNDAY we took the children to church and then went to the grocery store to get things for lunch and a day of watching football and being family. Seth and Sarah played with their animals by the fire and when they decided to bring in the leftover helium balloons from the Jack and Jill we sent them out of the living room. They came back half an hour later saying that “Chiyo was dead. Gone. The balloons had taken her away.” After questioning, I got the visual; Seth and Sarah tying their beloved “Chiyo” to as many balloons as it took for her to float away. She was tied and taped to them (safety first). They stood at the top of the driveway and let her go. Nine times out of ten she didn’t get far and they were able to run after her and snatch her back. Then, the tenth time, she went more “up” than “down” and ……. she was gone. (Gone=dead) and Sarah changed into black pants and a black shirt and started cheerfully planning a funeral. They did have a brief search party. I am filled with curiosity and hope that as today is a day-off from school, we can take a wander through the woods and see if we can locate her. Stay tuned.

SATURDAY evening Sierra’s Mom hosted a Jack and Jill party for Ethan and Sierra, who are engaged to be married. I was involved in decorating, baking brownies, and buying various items to be raffled off to the guests, in the hopes that money could be raised to support their wedding. It was a fun and exciting evening. But these things are always a bit emotional for me because my heart is seeing the deeper, the sensitive, the yearnings……I missed my family, most of which is in New York. I saw Sierra’s aunts and grandma and cousins all rally around her and felt lonely for those days when I felt like I was in my own close family circle, too. So you can imagine my joy when in walked my brother Isaac with his wife. I wasn’t expecting them! And they came. We sat and visited all evening long and it felt right and good. These are the sweet and simple ways in which God our Father is always surprising us. Enough and more.

FRIDAY. the evening before the day of the Jack and Jill, I was filling 20 quart sized mason jars with water on the driveway, and filling each one with marigolds that I planted myself from a large sandwich baggie of saved-seeds given to me by an old church lady named Ginger. I was arranging and working in the quiet and lonely “missing my family and how is Ethan old enough to get married anyway” mood. It was sun-setting time, but with just enough sun to shine through rain and clouds and arch a rainbow through the sky to lift my spirits. A miracle! Sarah and I took photos of each other. thanking God. Over and over.

THURSDAY, WEDNESDAY, on and on it goes, the trip backward in time, to catch you up on all our family happenings. Sarah recovering from mono. Caleb recovering from bronchitis. Me starting and busying myself with my eBay shop. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Seth spraining his ankle and recovering from that. David adjusting to working at Fed Ex. Ethan moving out of the house and into his own apartment. Grace coming to visit. Football games. Cheerleading. Church. Bible study. Walks in the woods. Reading. Housecleaning. Laundry. Meals. Ordinary moments. Bad days. Good days. Magic. Loving. Always loving.

A month ago we drove to New York for a family reunion of sorts for Rich’s side of the family. I say it that way but they truly my family too, in every sense of the word. I am so thankful for the best in-laws I could possibly have. Dad with his teasing love, interest and support and pride, Leslie with her quiet warm care and concern. The aunts and uncles so down to earth and kind. Everyone with their endearing personalities— making each other feel wanted and welcomed and happy. Yes, it was such a happy day.

*********

((Other happenings))

“I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” LM Montgomery

All the days are the sweetest and nicest.

WE ARE LOVED

I have so much more to share.

Last night I awoke very confused from a deep sound heavy sleep with my hand securely attached by my ring to the lace collar of my nightgown. In my sleeping stupor I felt myself rising to the challenge. Indeed, I for some reason got out of bed and stood up in the darkness. I tried in vain to get it free but finally gave up and simply took the ring off (or, took my finger out) and slept with it caught in my nightie just like you see in the photo above. For the rest of the night if I woke up even a little bit I was patting myself, making sure it was still there because I really didn’t want to lose my ring from Tiffany & Co. but how weird that this even happened, right? Rather disturbed my whole night to have it *not on my finger* but leaving it behind on my nightgown was all I could think of to do whilst half asleep. I didn’t even think to turn on the light because I didn’t want to bother my husband but you know what he did to me? He bothered ME this morning by taking my car to drop off Caleb at school and then parking it as faaaaaaar away from the house at the very end of the lower driveway as possible. I had my arms full as I looked all over for it; (I had expected it in the upper driveway where I always park, or in front of the garage)!

I got a FREE PEOPLE clothing catalogue today and I don’t buy from them because $$$$ but it’s fun to see the outfits and make up my own similar, with less expensive pieces. Since my husband was in the kitchen with me as I looked at it I told (I mean asked) him to give me a quick YES or NO to each one. These are the ones he would see me wearing;

(I’m just thinking now that it would have been funny to show the ones he hated too but oh well, mainly what I realized that he has a particular negative reaction to baggy wide legged jeans and also ….fishnet stockings).

The kids are home from school and soon some of us will be going to Caleb’s football game at the HS. Tomorrow we leave for NY for a family reunion and it’s the first one we have had since COVID so we are all excited. Not only will I see my extended family but also all ten of my children, Lord willing! I’m one happy mama.

It’s a gorgeous September day, and a happy day for me, and I pray God’s peaceful and rich blessings on each one who reads this. Much love!!

dear God please reveal to us

Your sublime beauty that is everywhere, everywhere, everywhere, so

that we may never again feel frightened.

St Francis of Assisi

writing always writing

I kicked off my flips and am sitting cross legged in a comfy chair facing the windows looking out over a parking lot, it’s not an ocean view like in Jekyll but it’s just as interesting, and there is a steady flow of cars. My husband is next to me on the floor and when he wanted to convince me to build a log cabin (he’s looking at a magazine) by reading me an article (from it) that lists (helpfully) 10 Reasons Why We Should, I said please don’t because I could give you 35 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t. The first being I’m Too Tired and the second being I Don’t Want To. He laughed and now he’s looking through a different book.

I brought my notebook and after choosing a few books to look at I wrote down some quotes from them;

“We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year. Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control. Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take it’s course.” Melody Beattle

“It’s okay to be the teacup with a chip in it. It’s the one with a story.” Matt Haig

There are a lot of people here in the bookstore today. We think because it’s the perfect day to be here; it’s raining outside and what better place to visit than a bookstore. You know I was thinking as I browsed the thousands of books here; bookstores glorify God. So much abundance can only come from Him; topics, authors, colors, stories, words, they seem endless, but only He is truly endless. The beginning and the end. The alpha and omega. The first Author. It’s a moment of awe and gratitude for me. Always looking for those.

We are loved.

“Write it down, when I have perished:

Here is everything I’ve cherished;

That these walls should glow with beauty

Spurred my lagging soul to duty:

That there should be gladness here

Kept me toiling, year by year…..

Every thought and every act

Were to keep this home intact.”

-Edgar A Guest

Today I woke up as Rich was getting ready for work and he told me that when he went to let the chickens and ducks out he noticed that the chickens were in the wrong part of the coop–they were up in the loft, so, for whatever reason, (not a good one) he decided to get up there and shoo them down but when he did he fell against the inside wall and hit the top of his head on an exposed nail (the sharp end). It’s not bad, but it was the top of his head and he couldn’t see it. Consequently, that’s what I did first thing this morning. I checked his wound. It wasn’t a puncture, it was a scratch. That’s exactly what I told him.

I got up and dressed and got a box ready to mail to my dear friend, which I always love to do, pack up a happy box and traipse to the post office with it and see how expensive it will be this time (12 dollars). I invited Sarah to come along and off we went. We tried to listen to Dateline the podcast on the way but she said it was making her sad so we switched to her music choice; Taylor Swift. We stopped for gas and went inside for drinks. She got one of those egg candies that have a toy inside and guess what it was a beaver so she gave it to me. It’s so cute! I got a cheesestick and a low calorie gatorade. We continued on down the road…..

Consignment shop was the first stop, where she found a nice backpack for school. It was so large that all our purchases fit inside it to take to the car. She found some shirts that she liked (I’ve already taught her that she must try things on before making a decision, and to only say yes to the items that make her feel so very pretty and good in). I bought three pairs of jeans because I’m finally getting a mom-pouch stomach that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get rid of (I’d like to lose 10 pounds, not that I’m not beautiful the way I am, but because I just feel lighter, brighter, and happier in the 138 range). So theses jean will be nice for now, because they fit just right, not “a little bit tight” like my other ones. I also bought a few other little things to try to sell on eBay, which is something I am starting to try my hand at. It’s also nice to have a pleasant hoard of gifts ready to send out to friends who need a little pick-me-up.

After the post office we went to the Goodwill where Sarah found some “super hard to find” strange looking stretchy toys that she really likes, “Don’t you remember I asked Uncle Dave for one for my birthday?” she asked. She then found two pictures for her bedroom, “I just love decorating my room.” I found some odds and ends, my most exciting find being a ceramic (?) vintage squirrel holding an acorn, which I love, in the “bric a brac” section, my favorite. We then made our way to Starbucks where she ordered a Caramel Frappechino. She didn’t like it. It tasted of coffee. As we have purchased hundreds of drinks at Starbucks over the years, I figured just this once she could try to give it back and try another flavor, so she did, and they were happy to oblige even though Sarah wondered if they probably think she is “spoiled”. I assured her that I knew she was NOT. She ended up with a regular vanilla bean frappe with some caramel syrup. She was cute as she figured these challenges all out.

We came home, Seth was a little feisty as he thought we took too long (awww he missed us), he wanted the iPad. iPad usage is under strict surveillance for him as a curious young boy the google bar is very tempting. He had to wait until I got home for his time on it. He called twice to ask when I would be arriving. In order to curb this habit with the children, I always give the calling child a chore each time that they call. So he had some things to do for me, and probably only called twice for that reason alone.

David was still asleep so I woke him up and told him to clean his room and comb his hair and start going to bed earlier at night. He did as I asked and then went to the grocery store because he is in the process of making homemade dumplings for the first time. He made the dough last night. He also had to go get Caleb from school because Caleb was alway all day for a wrestling clinic. Ethan worked from home today as usual. I felt overwhelmed until I gave everyone jobs to do, and I myself undertook making a new recipe for dinner; spinach lasagna, which involved a LOT of processing. Squeeze the spinach, process it. Process the onion and garlic, saute it, add crushed tomatoes for the sauce and meanwhile, process the ricotta cheese with spinach juice, eggs, parmesan, etc. I never processed so many ingredients in my life……Rich and I loved the lasagna but not sure if the kids will eat much of it.

Brittnee (Jacob’s wife) has had a migraine for a couple days so she is out shopping for new glasses. She’s a go-getter. She had a doctors appointment and an eye doctors appointment both today, to try to get herself feeling better.

And then poor Grace texted me as well, saying that she went to the dentist with wisdom tooth pain and has to have them all pulled out because some are sideways, and some are impacted. And she’s in pain.

Ethan and Sierra went to look at a house (they are engaged to be married in April).

There is always stuff going on when you have a large family. Seth and Sarah are just over Covid; they had it conveniently at the same time and are all better now except for the coughs.

When Rich got home from work this evening he said “My head was bleeding and oozing all day, are you sure it’s just a scratch?”

So I had to look at it, again. I looked and examined. When he said “Ouch, why did you have to press on it like that?” I said, “Because I’m Nurse Shanda.”

How about Shanda-pleasing?

What would that look like?

It would look simple, and genuine. Relational. Glorifying to God. Grateful, reserved, unseen, known fully by only a select few. Quiet. Life in the kitchen, living room, at the art table, in the laundry room, at the piano, outside, in the forest, on paths, with trees and insects and birds, plants, in all weather.

Music, books, making a home. Conversations, exchanging ideas and things that matter. hugs and kisses, rest, nourishment, peace.

Feeding the hungry and loving everyone who is safe to love and needs what I have to offer, as a gift, my heart.

These sort of things, and more, please me, and delight me.

I just got back from delivering medicine and fluids to Jacob (who is married and has the stomach bug, two conditions which are, I assume, unrelated, as Brittnee says it’s food poisoning hmmmmm.). I was at home folding clothes like a good little housewife when Brittnee texted and asked me if I loved her and my son, I answered “probably not”, because I was already suspicious. Then she asked if I would drop off Pepto and Gatorade, since Jacob was so sick and she had to go to work. Naturally I said “sure” because I guess I’m going to keep being a mother even when the child is married, in his own apartment, and 25 years old.

I got home to find David watching a movie and I started a friendly conversation with him about calling the grocery store to get back to working shifts and making himself some money. I was so convincing that he made faces like HE was now the one sick, and asked, “where did you come from? and, when can you go back?” I laughed and laughed. I know he will follow my guidance, the children all know that my wisdom knows no bounds. So now Dave and E are gone to pick up a package from the Post Office. The mailman tried to deliver it here but I was gone and Ethan assumed it was the Schwans guy and ignored the doorbell. Jokes on him because it was his package. At least now I home alone for a half hour……

This morning when I first got up and still had my pajamas and red robe on, I went outside to do a little work in my garden. I have a couple sprouted potatoes planted, and I planted sunflower seeds the other day. This morning I planted a baggie of marigold seeds from a lady at church who saved all the heads of her marigolds and dried them to save the seeds. Two baggies of marigold heads equals approximately one million billion thousand seeds. I already scattered around one baggie in the flower beds. I don’t know what to expect. Marigolds everywhere. While I was busy with the seed planting, I also weeded around my strawberry plants and decided to harvest some rhubarb. I wanted rhubarb so bad, now I have it and now I need to use it. The pressure. Mr Gordon gave me some of his patch years ago and it’s such a thrill to see it growing each spring almost right away. then comes the responsibility to use it all up and not let it just grow and bolt into flower. I took a small knife out of my pocket and cut some crisp juicy stalks.

After gardening comes kitchening. It naturally happens. I’m so thankful I can walk right back into the house and be in my kitchen. I set to work making, believe it or not, MRS Gordon’s rhubarb bread. I had enough to make a double batch, which meant four loaves. While they were baking I folded laundry and by the time the bread was done I had already committed myself to taking care of Jake so I left with a small plate of warm sweet bread and ate it while I drove to …….Goodwill. I needed to see if they still had those Hummel figurines that I had left on the shelf yesterday. They did not. But they did have some art pieces for the wall, a country primitives lighted house, a tshirt for sarah, and an S letter for my mantel which will sit right next to the R that I already had found a year ago. The unfortunate part is that the R is gray metal and blends right into the stonework above the mantel, and the S is bright white. David says it’s even harder to see the R with the S next to it. If that’s not a parable for Rich and myself I don’t know what is. (teasing).

The grocery store is right next to Goodwill and I ran over and got the things for my sick child and drove them over. We hugged and I left him to try to get some sleep. Within moments I had a text, “I am so thankful for you.” And my heart melted and I was also thankful. Thankful for gardens, and children who need me still, a husband with a sense of humor, neighbors who share, a car my very own to drive whenever I want, this beautiful day, and the energy and desire to do good things for people I love. For smiles and a heart that’s full of cheer. And my cats.

Recipe:

1 1/4 cup brown sugar, 2/3 cup oil, 1 beaten egg, 1 cup buttermilk; whisk together.

Sift in a separate bowl 2 1/2 cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, and 1 tsp salt.

Add liquid to flour, stir until combined and then fold in 1 and 1/3 cup finely diced rhubarb.

Grease two loaf pans and pour batter evenly into pans. For topping, mix together 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1 tsp cinnamon and sprinkle on top of batter.

Bake at 325 degrees 45 mins or until done.

Happy Friday!

There is a very persistent cat bird beaking itself into the bathroom window. He appears to be obsessed with getting inside. I tell it, “You don’t want to come in here. We have cats. Real ones.” It doesn’t listen to me. He’s in love. With me!! I say, “I’m a human.” He says “I’ve seen all you do for other birds like me. You are full of compassion, keep the feeders full, give treats, sing to us, and look at us lovingly.” I say, “A lot of humans are like me.” And he says, between knocks to the window, “there. Is. Only.one.you.” he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop. I have to make him stop. Talking didn’t work. I’ll have to resort to action.

I’m sitting here thinking, “He must have heard me tell Sarah that catbirds are my very favorite.”

He’s driving me nuts and hurting himself. Toxic love at its finest. He truly doesn’t care about me, he just wants what he wants.

Aren’t relationships wonderful? Why yes, they truly are, until you get mixed up in an ugly one. Then you find yourself studying “trauma bond”, “narcissism”, “manipulation”, “sociopath.”

This is taking a very dark turn!!!

Let me just say to you; beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing! The lessons are numerous but the tears will be as waterfalls. Wolves I can deal with. The ones who dress up like sheep are truly scary.

Recovery is possible!! I suggest EMDR therapy. It’s working for me!!

Honestly, I’m still the same beautiful soul, I just have to learn to keep the guards in front of the door to my heart.

Thank goodness gracious 98% of the people I meet are good people. How rare, how precious, how worthy of praise are they? How blessed am I? So in living, my heart goes around on a path of uncertainty, but always ends up …..in that divine and nourishing place of gratitude!!

*********

On a lighter note, my husband bought me a pint of Ben and Jerry’s cookies dough core ice cream the other day. And do you know what happened? I sat down and…..ate the core right out of it. Then I was in a fix. Who wants chocolate chip ice cream without the cookie dough? Not I! So I put it back in the freezer for a couple days. Until I was craving ice cream again. What to do? Have Rich go get me new ice cream? I knew the answer to that one……hmmmmmm

I pondered the situation and finally realized “At this point it takes me all of five minutes to mix up a bowl of cookie dough.” I have 26 yrs of skillz.

Time for me to shower and dress. Rich is working from home today, so is Ethan. David is also home working on college courses online. Seth has his first baseball game since Covid happened so we are excited to go watch him play later.

And tomorrow Caleb goes to prom.

((((My heart!!!!))))

You know it’s true friends, we are all so very loved.

“Oh God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” St. Francis of Assisi