There is a very persistent cat bird beaking itself into the bathroom window. He appears to be obsessed with getting inside. I tell it, “You don’t want to come in here. We have cats. Real ones.” It doesn’t listen to me. He’s in love. With me!! I say, “I’m a human.” He says “I’ve seen all you do for other birds like me. You are full of compassion, keep the feeders full, give treats, sing to us, and look at us lovingly.” I say, “A lot of humans are like me.” And he says, between knocks to the window, “there. Is. Only.one.you.” he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop. I have to make him stop. Talking didn’t work. I’ll have to resort to action.

I’m sitting here thinking, “He must have heard me tell Sarah that catbirds are my very favorite.”

He’s driving me nuts and hurting himself. Toxic love at its finest. He truly doesn’t care about me, he just wants what he wants.

Aren’t relationships wonderful? Why yes, they truly are, until you get mixed up in an ugly one. Then you find yourself studying “trauma bond”, “narcissism”, “manipulation”, “sociopath.”

This is taking a very dark turn!!!

Let me just say to you; beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing! The lessons are numerous but the tears will be as waterfalls. Wolves I can deal with. The ones who dress up like sheep are truly scary.

Recovery is possible!! I suggest EMDR therapy. It’s working for me!!

Honestly, I’m still the same beautiful soul, I just have to learn to keep the guards in front of the door to my heart.

Thank goodness gracious 98% of the people I meet are good people. How rare, how precious, how worthy of praise are they? How blessed am I? So in living, my heart goes around on a path of uncertainty, but always ends up …..in that divine and nourishing place of gratitude!!

*********

On a lighter note, my husband bought me a pint of Ben and Jerry’s cookies dough core ice cream the other day. And do you know what happened? I sat down and…..ate the core right out of it. Then I was in a fix. Who wants chocolate chip ice cream without the cookie dough? Not I! So I put it back in the freezer for a couple days. Until I was craving ice cream again. What to do? Have Rich go get me new ice cream? I knew the answer to that one……hmmmmmm

I pondered the situation and finally realized “At this point it takes me all of five minutes to mix up a bowl of cookie dough.” I have 26 yrs of skillz.

Time for me to shower and dress. Rich is working from home today, so is Ethan. David is also home working on college courses online. Seth has his first baseball game since Covid happened so we are excited to go watch him play later.

And tomorrow Caleb goes to prom.

((((My heart!!!!))))

You know it’s true friends, we are all so very loved.

“Oh God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” St. Francis of Assisi

I’m in my bed with Sarah, arguing with her, because I told her it was bedtime and she doesn’t want to go. I had been reading The Wind in the Willows to her and she almost fell asleep so off to bed she’s going for sweet dreams. First she needs a hug. Then she needs to complain because tomorrow isn’t Saturday. Then she needs another hug. So I listen, and hug, and pat, and finally she’s settled down and ready.

……She says there’s nothing she’s interested in more than space. She reads Google Space News every day at school on her chrome book. I know all about her interests, and pointed out a book for her when we were in Jekyll last month, it was a book about the constellations and how to identify them in the night sky. I’ll never forget what she said, “I don’t need that! I’ll make up my OWN!” I was stunned, I had never thought to stare into space at the stars and see what I could see, myself, without a book or old wise men telling me first.

She and I went for a little walk this afternoon. I found a chunk of an old bone off the beaten path, and a wonderful little den of sorts underneath the roots of a tree loosely sitting on the ground. We didn’t find any feathers, we didn’t see any beavers. But we saw the sparkling sun glittering on the water and it twinkled on our faces like magic.

Never underestimate a walk away from the house, or a drive away from home sweet home. Both are good for breezing the cobwebs out of the mind and soul. David and I took a little trip today. We drank healthy smoothies and went out for a bit of shopping. It felt so good to sit and talk and listen to music as we drove along. And when we came home we both took naps and I had food to make for dinner later in the afternoon. Frosted cinnamon rolls, fresh bread, seafood stuffed salmon, brownies, butternut squash.

Now it’s getting dark and the lights are on in all the rooms in reckless disregard for the electric bill. Everyone is off doing their own thing quietly. I can hear the boys in the kitchen finding snacks. They have music playing. I’ll be putting clothes in the dryer soon, and doing the normal nighttime things. Little by little everyone will slow down and cozy up in their beds and sleep. Thankful for another end to another gift-of-a-day.

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

“God’s love is wrapping all around you, whether you notice it or not.”

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your Word.”

********

I’m on the couch. I put my book down because I can’t concentrate on it while Caleb and David are jamming; Caleb on drums and Dave on piano.

Today was lovely but on the chilly side. The sun came out now and then, the air was bright and made all nature look vivid, but the wind was cold. I went for two walks. One alone, one with Rich.

I found a dead fox over a year ago in the woods. I had wanted the bones but they were still being cleaned by bugs and worms so I left the skeleton by the stream for time to go by. I finally brought a selection of the bones home last week and today the lawn company came and accidentally ran over some of them, (I had them bleaching in the sun) but I still have the skull, a couple leg bones, and one jaw.

Sarah is excited her birthday and making plans for friends to come over. She will be turning 12 on May 30. She has a dance recital in June and she showed me her dance outfit today, it’s a red tutu and she will look beautiful. I’m so glad she’s been dancing this year, she’s learned a lot. Yesterday while we were walking into the grocery store together she told me about a certain tap-dance step that everyone who knows how to tap in the whole world knows. And I thought about dance and how it unties people and how beautiful that was.

I made cookie dough brownies today. David and I were craving something sweet. I’ve posted the recipe before here:

https://goodtobehome.co/?s=Cookie+dough+brownies&submit=Search

The drumming is driving me wild!! 🙃. My heart aches with the joy of watching my boys be brothers, loving and protecting and spending time together. Thank you Jesus. Thank you that we are never alone.

Happy Wednesday my friends!

The fifth cat that is.

I can’t believe it’s already almost a week since Grace and I tried to lure a stray cat to us with a bowl of dry cat food. To our surprise and wonder, it actually came. It was wearing a flea collar and was nothing but skin and bones. It meowed but it’s voice wasn’t a thing of beauty. It said, “Hello, I am a starving cat. I’ve been watching you for a month. I already met your other cats. The black one chased me away but I had a feeling you would welcome me inside.”

And I said, “Ohhhhhh my goodness, come on inside you poor poor little baby kitty, you’re so handsome and sweet you’re so thin, let’s feed youuuuuuuu.”

Seth wanted him so I said he could be Seth’s cat. Then Caleb came to me and said “I can’t believe you gave that cat to Seth.” He thought it should be his cat. Then Sierra sent me a text. “Can that be Ethan’s cat? We want it.” (They don’t know this but all the cats are secretly….mine). I tried to be a peacemaker the best I could but we started arguing about what to name him. Clyde? Clive? Lorenzo?

I’ve been calling him Mr Bones.

Yesterday I overheard Seth call him Little Sticks. I’m not sure which name will stay.

Seth and Sarah don’t like to pet him because all they can feel are his sharp bones jutting out. Shoulder blades, hips, and heels especially.

Within days I had him at the vet getting his rabies and distemper shots. On Tuesday he will be getting neutered.

He drinks from the toilet and eats from the kitchen sink and I wonder if his previous owner ever gave him a proper meal for cats, you know like actual cat food in a dish?. He’s obviously not partial to bowls and saucers. He only weighs seven pounds. He’s had butter, a leftover sausage, part of Davids egg sandwich including the bread, and some of my matcha latte. Who knows how long he was outside starving in the cold winter.

Regardless, he’s mine now. He’s been thoroughly adopted.

This morning I was making a cup of coffee when I noticed that my husband had written something on one of the fridge magnets:

Peace knows your address.
Make sure you are home.
Be present within yourself. Move in. Open the windows. Let in the light. Freshen up the place.
Make yourself a place you’d like to stay.
Be a homebody.
~Jaiya John, Fragrance After Rain

PEACE KNOWS YOUR ADDRESS: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

MAKE SURE YOU ARE HOME: Our bodies tell us, with our nerves and emotions, when we are not “home”. (safe). There are many ways to work on safety. What works for me will not work for you. This is why it sometimes takes years to come to a place of healing; and that’s okay.

BE PRESENT WITHIN YOURSELF: You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are the only one who can take care of you. God, through Jesus Christ, wants us to live abundantly. He cares enough to know our hearts (insides) the number of hairs on our heads (outsides); shouldn’t we also care about ourselves so that we can be healthy & enjoy *messy-beautiful* life?

MOVE IN: close your eyes, get inside yourself with welcome and warmth, do you find yourself smiling yet?

OPEN THE WINDOWS: now open your eyes, open your heart, soul, and mind. Let the beauty of living come inside you.

LET IN THE LIGHT: “Jesus once again addressed them: ‘I am the world’s Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in.” This is why our hearts soar when sunbeams flow into the room and across the floor, warming and brightening.

FRESHEN UP THE PLACE: I try to do this daily…..because so easily I become stagnant. One day will be a musical day, another day will be art, another day will be rest, another day will be hard work another day will be ………… you get the idea.

MAKE YOURSELF A PLACE YOU’D LIKE TO STAY: Again, figuring yourself out, knowing who you are, your identity as basic as “I am a woman” opens up a world of possibility. What does that mean to you? When we know our own unique and sacred self, we can nourish that and remain the one and only me/you there ever is or will be.

BE A HOMEBODY. Everything and everyone else is just icing on the cake.

Often, a phrase or sentence will jump out at me as I’m reading or just going about my day. I started a new art/scrapbook journal yesterday with the intention of using it to record some of those wise words I collect because words are treasures to me, and a well turned phrase is worth keeping.

I read this quote a couple days ago and the words “high value woman” hit my soul. I have often called myself a queen, but this hits different. I’m a high value woman! I decided this would be my first page in the new book to remind myself that whenever possible, to chose the most nourishing and best of life’s offerings. (“He preparest a table before me….”) I sat down and brushed a thin layer of pastel pink all over the page. Then, I chose a shade of green to begin the lettering. I was taking myself seriously. This book was going to change my life and the lives of my descendants.

I should have known better. Life has a way of reminding me not to take anything too seriously. I’ll always make interesting mistakes. And some of them are downright instantaneously funny.

I finished the page today. I also did a TON of cleaning. Like, a bucket of soapy water washing the walls sort of cleaning. The sun is shining and it’s a cold and windy day….. a lovely day for lighting candles and tidying my home. Soon the children will arrive from school. It’s been a wonderful day so far, I wonder what’s ahead for the second half?

We are loved. (1 John 4:11)

Good morning friends,

Is anyone here? Have I been away long enough?

While I was away, I turned 46!

My parents sent me a package through the mail for my birthday and inside was a marvelous pillow. Using a quilt square that I hand-stitched together as a child and fabric and a hand crocheted doily out of her collection of keepsakes from her grandmother, mom thoughtfully sewed a pillow for me, and sent it with a note of blessing for the hands who worked together to make it: her own hands, her grandmother’s hands, and her daughter’s hands.

I look at it every day. Really look, with my eyes and with my heart.

It graces our master bed. Which I am sitting upon as I type, with cats, a mug of coffee, a book, a notebook, and the remote.

Happy Tuesday!

We are loved.