“…and the burden of my heart rolled away…”

“…this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior, all the day long…”

I’ve had a heavy burden on my heart for almost three weeks, the intensity of which has come and gone depending on the circumstances and how tired I was at the time.  In a nutshell, my dear husband has been working very long hours to a point where I was beginning to get very bitter and resentful.

Am I the only one who gives her husband the mental evil eye?  That’s how I was feeling, like an injured kitty cat, squinting my evil eyes, ready to swipe with sharp claws……but, on the other hand I was also feeling empty, discouraged, disappointed, and hopeless…seeing my life as a young mom full of endless days of taking care of the children all day long, literally, with a barely-there partner.  In short, while Rich was consumed with work, I was consumed with my SELF.

I’ve cried, I’ve gotten mad, I’ve debated, I’ve given the silent treatment, I’ve worked myself all up.  “It’s just not fair!!!”  “I was never meant to be the wife of a cooperate executive!”  “I don’t want to live for the weekends!”

You get the picture.  It was a huge party.  Pity party, that is.

So.  I’ve been trying to be very honest with the Lord in my prayers.  Instead of “Dear Lord, I’m sorry that I am sinning against my husband, please forgive me and help me to do better,”  I prayed this:

“Lord, I don’t even know what to say.  I feel hopeless and bitter.  I don’t like my life right now.  I don’t want to be fake, I cannot pretend to have feelings that I don’t have.  I don’t know what You’re going to do, but I know it’s Your will that I have peace in my heart so I will wait on You.”  And I would get up off my knees, and shake my head “hopeless” and continue on, muttering in my mind.

I did not say I was sorry.  ’cause I wasn’t.  (yet)  I didn’t walk around Rich acting all happy.  ’cause I wasn’t.

However, I also did not smash plates, even though I felt like it on several occasions.

Now, this is not about ME and “my issues”.  I’m writing all this so I can tell you about my Father in heaven.  Only He knows the real darkness of my heart and the bluest of blue thoughts and attitudes I’ve been having (and how wrong I’ve been).  And yet, in His mercy, He filled my soul with His Spirit….the contrast between my flesh and His spirit is like night and day, sickness and health!

Here’s the amazing part.  Last night I was all prepared to be upset again, but when Rich got home, I felt LOVE, warm soft happy love toward him, instead.  We didn’t talk about stuff.  He came in and sat down to dinner with us, we were in the middle of eating our enchiladas and cheesy corn casserole and he just came in and got some food.  After we ate I cut us all big huge pieces of warm chocolate cake and we ate that too.  Meanwhile, the children were talking a lot and I was pretty quiet.  

After dinner Rich said we needed wood pellets for our stove and so I said, “Okay, let’s go!  We’ll throw the little boys in the truck and the older kids can stay here for 15 minutes while we go get them”….and on the way Rich remarked (probably with some fear)…”You’re quiet again tonight.”  and I reached over and took his hand, the hand I know so well.  I was quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet.  We held hands and it felt like the first time (that was God).  I’m sitting here right now, with tears in my eyes, thinking about it, and how good his hand felt in mine at that moment.

When we got home Rich and Jacob sat on the floor to look through a magazine together and I got on the floor with them and put my head on Rich’s lap…..just enjoying the closeness (like a cat again, but this time a content sleepy purring one) while they talked.

After the kids went to bed the two of us watched TV but I wasn’t festering with bad thoughts in my head, I was at rest, I had joy again……nothing had changed in our circumstances, but God changed my heart, He really did!  I mean, I’m up this morning and Rich is gone to work and I’m AMAZED with God!!!  AMAZED!  And so thankful. 

I wanted to write this all out so that I can remember that the next time I’m at the end of my rope I can confidently tell the Lord all about it and wait on Him.  He fixed me!

“But the fruit of the Spirit (not Shanda) is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance:  against such there is no law.”  Galatians 5:22,23

“Every Christian I know wants to be better than he or she is. There may be an exception to that, but I haven’t found one. In other words, most Christians aren’t getting any better and sometimes are getting worse…but they really want to be better.

Do you know why most Christians don’t get any better or why you don’t get any better? It’s because you’re doing it wrong, dummy! You are obsessed with sin and your faith has become another “system of laws” whereby you feel guilty and try and try and try to do better. It doesn’t work, never has worked, and never will work. Only really shallow people keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same result, thinking that the next time the result will be different.

So stop it.

You’re just making a mess out of it. People get better by obsessing on Jesus and his love…not by obsessing on their own sin and disobedience. That’s what the cross is about, to wit, a covering for sin. So that’s not the issue anymore. Not only that, the imputation of Christ’s righteousness to our account is a gift beyond measure assuring that God’s anger will never be directed at us again.

And, by the way, an obsession with sin may be the greatest form of pride.”

~Steve Brown

I subscribed to Steve Brown’s Key Life  ….. and listen to him on my ipod.  I find his teaching style very refreshing and down to earth.  The quote is from his blog and made me want to shout “Amen” but the children are asleep……

“Thank goodness I was never sent to school;

 it would have rubbed off some of the originality.” -Beatrix Potter

I just found this quote, isn’t it awesome?  Especially for home schooling families?  It encourages me that yes my children are more likely to be their own very unique individual (and unashamed of it) as we learn together here at home.  It is fun for me as a mom to watch and really know my children, which is something I probably couldn’t experience if they were away from me all day.  Homeschooling, in my opinion, is very hard work and a lot (almost too much) to put on one person (I teach them their school work, not Rich, although obviously he does parent them which is another subject indeed).  But, although it is hard there are some wonderful benefits.  My children are secure in their own skins, in their likes and dislikes, their interests,……and it makes me smile.

Anyway, that was just a random thought triggered by the quote.  I’m really online to post some pictures that my son Jacob took yesterday of the first heavy snowfall.  Unfortunately for them, it did not stick and this morning there is nothing outside except a heavy, silvery frost.  The topic of “snow” has been all the rage in this home and I love the excitement Jacob captured in these photos.

Oh my goodness, they are holding hands, is that so precious or what???

I love how Grace is just standing still, watching the snow, in this next picture:

This next one shows the snow coming down in such a lovely way:

And, speaking of Beatrix Potter, the famous children’s author who loved her animals, here is Grace with her very own bunny.  Grace and I recently fell in LOVE with the movie Miss Potter.  Ever since she watched it she’s been drawing animals and has an even greater appreciation for her rabbit.

I just love Grace’s eyes in this photo, and I wonder what bunn-bunn is thinking?

She’s absolutely adorable, if I do say so myself! 

I didn’t mention yet that. . . . .I had the most miserable weekend.  I was so exhausted that my moods swung at an alarming (scary) rate.  Thankfully I have a patient (and somewhat oblivious) family and we somehow (by the grace of God) got through the weekend unscathed.  My spirits are much better now that I was able to get some rest on Sunday (stayed home from every service). 

I only mention that now, because my doctor’s appointment yesterday did so much to cheer me up.  I recently had the glucose test, and an antibody screening, and those tests came back perfect.  My doctor was so happy and told me that my iron levels were awesome—she usually has to put women on a supplement at this point but I don’t need it.  Also, I didn’t gain any weight in the past 4 weeks!  I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat and my doctor even did a quick ultrasound to check his positioning (he’s head down) and I got to see his face!  I keep seeing it again, in my mind, and I almost want to cry I’m so excited.  It was a wonderful appointment, she told me that I’m “so uncomplicated” (after all the moodiness this weekend, that phrase alone is giving me great mirth) that she doesn’t need to see me again for another 4 weeks unless I felt uncomfortable waiting that long (she usually sees women every 2 weeks at this point).  Although I did have to have my Rhogam injection, that part did still make me happy because now I don’t have to think about that anymore either.

Well, it’s seven o’clock and my children are starting to get up so I better sign off for now.  If you haven’t watched Miss Potter yet, do it!  I bought the soundtract for my ipod, too.  And, I recently read “The Tale of Jeremy Fisher” to David and laughed through the whole entire thing.  All of her books are wonderful………..

Thanks for sticking with me this morning, through a variety of subjects!    And, I just so glad you all enjoyed a laugh at my account yesterday….believe me, if I wasn’t laughing at that point I would have never tried to tell the story.  The window IS FIXED, by the way, thanks to my very own Mr. Handsome Fix-It.

Have a great day!

PS, Jacob is in the living room playing “O Holy Night” on his violin.  He had lessons last night and must have learned it then.  It sounds lovely!

OOOOOH, this day…..I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or scream….so I’ve done all three so far.

First of all.  David missed the bus this morning at 8.  I ran out on the porch to yell and wave as it went away down the road.  I had to get dressed and drive him in myself.

Came home to get the other kids ready so I could go to the doctor’s.  Left the house a big mess, no time to do morning chores.

Got home too late (by mere minutes) to get David back off the bus…..had to go back to school to pick him up from the office (!!)

Of course we can’t skip home school just because Mommy had a doctor’s appointment so now I’m doing that–teaching 4th, 5th, and 6th grade, cleaning, and taking care of David and Caleb.

…..and in the midst of it all I decide to wash the window next to the table (where the children were working on school) so we can see our birdfeeder more clearly.  We have the kind of window that you conveniently can tip out into the room and wash the outside of it.  BUT I COULD NOT GET THE WINDOW TO GO BACK UP….I MEAN, IT WENT UP BUT IT WOULD NOT GO DOWN….SO I KEPT TRYING AND THEN IT WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING SO I HAD TO JUST TAKE IT OFF THE WINDOW SO THEN INSTEAD OF A WINDOW WE HAD A BIG HUGE OPEN SQUARE OF NOTHING…IT’S COOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDD OUTSIDE!!!  SO I PROPPED IT UP THE BEST I COULD AND THEN IT FELL OVER RIGHT ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD AND GRACE LAUGHED AT ME!!!!!!  SO THEN IT WAS OUT AGAIN BUT I COULDN’T JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THAT SO I KEPT TRYING……THERE IS HARDLY ANY ROOM TO MANUEVER THE TABLE IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE WINDOW AND SO IS THE FRIDGE AND I DON’T LIKE BENDING OVER BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, I’M SIX MONTHS PREGNANT!  I THOUGHT ABOUT CALLING 911 BUT I GUESS THAT ISN’T APPROPRIATE, BUT IT’S AN EMERGENCY TO ME!  I CALLED RICH, NOT THAT HE CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT I DID TRY AND OF COURSE HE CAN’T ANSWER HIS PHONE SO I LEFT MESSAGE.  JACOB SAYS THERE IS A BENT PART ON THE WINDOW AND THAT’S WHY IT WON’T GO IN RIGHT ANYMORE.  ANYWAY….I FINALLY GOT ONE SIDE TO SNAP BACK IN PLACE SO NOW AT LEAST IT’S IN (HALF WAY) BUT THE WINDOW IS STILL STUCK OPEN A GOOD 5 INCHES AND WON’T GO DOWN…..DO I FEEL A DRAFT?????  I DO HAVE A HEADACHE.

this is the picture I took right before the window fell on my head (I was sitting on the floor, resting after wrestling with it)……

This is the picture “worth a thousand words”

still trying to smile (E took this picture of me)……

AND THERE’S MORE……it’s now snowing like crazy!  For the first time this winter!

The children all got up from the table and are running around outside.  You can’t see it coming down in this photo but as I type it’s coming down hard.

I need some of this energy for myself!

Time to go find something to cover that window, it’s getting colder and colder by the minute…….I feel better now that I’ve “vented”……

I’m not feeling perky today, I think I’m getting a cold.  I woke up last night at 2:30 and had insomnia. . .sooooo, I’m tired.  And my eyes hurt.  However, a mama still has to do something to fill up the day so we did our typical homeschooling, typical laundry and whatnot, and then I made a big batch of cookies, with help from Ethan, David, and Caleb.

I barely had room to maneuver between the two chairs (the kitchenaid mixer is there on the counter, you just can’t see it because I’m in the way).  But I loved it.

We had the cookies all mixed up in record time.  Then we got to taste the dough.

I was left alone to bake tray after tray of cookies. . . . .

Of course once I began pulling them from the oven the children started appearing again.

Today I am thankful . . . . . .

~for the refreshing mild weather

~that Rich is coming home early (2:30!!!)

~that it’s Friday

~my mom, I got to talk to her for a while on the phone last night and she was encouraging to me

~my dad, who surprised me with a happy uplifting email today

~for clean crisp sheets on my bed, ’cause I’m going to take a nap as soon as my husband appears!

Rich bought me an ipod last weekend.  What songs do you think I should put on it?  Any advice or suggestions for me, a first time ipod user?

Happy weekend to each and all of you!

I made the boys superhero capes yesterday.

We were upstairs in the office and all was going along so nicely.  I finished sewing up David’s, tied it on him, and then started on Caleb’s.  After a few minutes of jumping around in his new cape, David innocently informed me, while looking out the window,

“Wearing this cape makes me want to jump off the roof!”

To which I replied, quickly and loudly, “David!  Don’t you even THINK that again!  If you say anything about that again I’ll . . .I’ll. . . .BURN your cape!”

We were both looking at each other with faces that looked like this: 

I really don’t think he’ll try it.  But I sure was worried there for a second.  I had no idea he would be so inspired.

David took his cape to school today for show and tell, he got to do that because it starts with a “C”, the requirement for this month.  I sure wish I could’ve seen him showing and telling.  Hopefully he didn’t tell about the roof story. 

Jumping off the porch steps is permissible.

Here’s an updated close up of his black eye.  He reminds me of a little boy that Norman Rockwell would paint.

What a boy!

EDIT*******  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the heartfelt comments you all left yesterday on my blog.  Truly, I was encouraged and touched.  What more can I say?  “Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love”.  xoxo, ~Shanda

    For You formed my inward parts;
         You wove me in my mother’s womb. 
    I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Wonderful are Your works,
         And my soul knows it very well. 
    My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 
    Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
         And in Your book were all written
         The days that were ordained for me,
         When as yet there was not one of them. 
    How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139:13-17

Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
~Maureen Hawkins

Feeling vulnerable about these pictures.  But I’m putting them up to show how baby is growing.  We can’t see him yet, he is still hidden away, getting ready to be born this February.  But, he’s mine and I already love him with passionate mama-love.  There isn’t an hour that goes by when I’m not touching my tummy, or praying for him, or thinking of him.  I found and washed all of our little baby boy clothes this past weekend and then put them all back away, in the closet. . .it’s easier to be patient when I can’t see those precious things.  Little Seth has quite the wardrobe of hand-me-downs from his four big brothers, besides a few new things that Grace and I picked out for him.  I love using the same outfits and blankets, some of them have been used for all five of my babies and the memories hang off them so thickly. . .I see them and remember how my little newborns felt in my hands, in their tiny sleepers and gowns (and most of the time they kicked their little socks of within those gowns, and I had to hunt for them).  What a happy surprise to find a itty bitty bare foot, it would make me pause and touch, study, marvel, and kiss it. . . .it’s interesting all the little things that mothers notice and love, and remember. 

Yesterday I sat and watched Caleb eating his ravioli for lunch and I was ready with the napkin to wipe off his face as he ate.  And I thought about mothers and how everything we do within the home has an air of secrecy about it.  Our husbands, most of the time, don’t even know exactly WHAT we’re doing all day.  But, it’s those little acts of service, and kindnesses, and love-touches that no one knows about except me and baby (or, babies), that make life so meaningful for us all.  The time I took to fix Grace’s hair, share a little dab of my lipstick with her, or help her clean her room.  The excitement I conjured up, over the boy’s lego creations.  The nutritious lunch placed neatly on a fiesta-plate, the cookie baking.  The hugs, the backscratches.  The lotion rubbed on after bath, not exactly necessary, but done out of care and love (David gets SUCH dry skin when the air gets colder).  Stories read, hours and hours of them, sometimes my eyes will fall shut I get so sleepy. . . .and don’t forget homeschooling and heart-training!  Now, that’s another subject all on it’s own.  No one knows exactly what I teach my children throughout the day, not even myself, because “more is caught than taught”.  Those little eyes are watching all the time, watching how mama reacts to the trials of life (like Math class, for instance).  My children get quite the show!  *giggle*

God my Father is a part of everything.  Part of what I love about being HOME with my children, is that God is here with us in such an obvious way, putting peace in the home-life.  (“where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst”) We can sense our Loving Father taking care of us continually.  He sees what I’m doing with the role He gave me.  “Am I doing okay, Father?”, I ask, as a child, feeling His smile and prefect understanding.  We take time to pray, sometimes just before we pull out of the driveway, we bow our heads and ask God’s blessing on our travels.  We pray before meals and thank God for our food.  We read the Holy Bible out loud and sing hymns from the hymnbooks.  What would I do without His mercy each day?  I’m constantly breathing prayers in and out, thankful ones, sorrowful ones, repentant ones, desperate ones.  There is no glory in my life, to be honest I feel mostly shame when I think over each day’s work, anything good, anything beautiful and fruitful, comes from HIM, the glory all belongs to God. 

When I tried looking for “pregnancy quotes” on the internet, I got an awful dose of what the world says/believes about pregnancy. . that it’s just a bother, something to complain about or be stopped.  I don’t buy it.  God does everything well, and in a special most lovely way.  His purposes are true and good and every new life is a gift to be treasured and nurtured. 

If you are a mother, thank you for all the little things you do for your kids every single day, because you love them.  Some of you are so
creative, you are constantly filling your children’s hearts with new and interesting ideas and past times.  Some of you have no special talents, (ha ha ha, just kidding of course) but you are THERE in the home every day, ready to listen, ready to comfort, ready to fill a need and wipe a nose.  Thank you for the self-sacrifice that you go through each and every day (because I know you really wanted that last cookie, but you gave it to “Jr.”) and when you get weary, remember that God made you a mother for a reason, think back on the way life used to be and know that you would not change a thing.  Thank Him constantly for the opportunity to raise up godly children, because a thankful heart is a happy heart.  Be motivated to keep pressing on, looking ahead, working toward your goals for your precious family.  It is SO worth it, every stressful moment will be rewarded if only we press on to the glory of God.  And don’t forget to LAUGH as much as you can. 

God bless you over and over, happy Christian mama!  Keep on!  Keep on!  Your children are a gift from God Himself.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.”  James 1:17