alone with blueberries

Posted on July 8, 2024 by Shanda

Well I am in New Hampshire in our vacation cabin alone for a couple days. How did this happen, you wonder?

Since I had driven here first (with Sarah) to prepare for the rest of the family to arrive it worked out nicely for me to remain behind for a few days because 1. I had my car and 2. My kids are old enough to be alone & 3. baby Lucy my angelic granddaughter was able to find someone else to watch her today. So Rich left with everyone and I was very grateful to have three free days, to spend time by myself. As much as I love and adore my family and honestly each one of them is someone I would always choose over solitude, as a quiet introvert I still believe that when an opportunity to be alone presents itself it’s wise for me to take the gift. (I admit it does feel odd for me at first). Yesterday I stayed here at the cabin, but this morning I thought I would drive to visit our old friends, Karl and Edna. This is an older couple who used to be our neighbors in Connecticut, they moved away a few years ago to spend winters in Georgia and summers in NH. I didn’t have their phone number but I remembered the street they lived on so I put on a sun dress and left Sammie (who is still with me and who lost part of her tail, see previous blog post for the story) to make the sunny forty five minute journey. New Hampshire is a beautiful state to drive in, what with the hills and valleys , picturesque homes, gardens, lakes, forest, and more.

They were home!! Of course the Mr. was in his garden and the Mrs. was cleaning. They welcomed me warmly, as I knew they would. These delightful friends are in their 80s and such a wonderful couple to know and admire. We sat and visited in their beautiful living room and when I left I was given two crispy garden cucumbers and a container of soft zucchini bars (frosted) and a mind full of inspiration. I hope Rich and I, when we turn 80, are just as delightful and kind and friendly as they are. I was so glad I went, I was a little nervous about it but my bravery won the day.

I then went to Bristol, NH to a coffee shop called The Purple Coffee Lounge, and I can highly recommend the pesto, cream cheese and tomato bagel sandwich 100%. There is also a cute village thrift shop nearby where I bought some books for 10 cent each- (note to LeaAnn, I bought an Anne Lamott book called -All New People- and thought of you, although this one is a novel. I’ll let you know how it is)

I also scored some Redwall paperbacks for the kids. (highly recommend)

Continuing on my way, my second shopping stop was at Moulton Farm where I bought food for myself for the next two days.

nutritious foods, and also molasses cookies and a peach muffin

*********

I have decided to start doing my “10,000” steps per day again. I had gotten tired of walking and was really proud of myself for quitting but I also began eating whatever I wanted.

I’m still going to do the eating plan but will walk briskly now, as well. I had enough “rest” (months, indeed, entire seasons).

And thus it was, that on today’s second walk, I found

wild blueberries

of which I have a very

very

long history, as I used to pick quantities of them every summer for long periods of time, as a child and teenager.

I picked often enough that the whole experience is genetically coded in my brain now I’m certain of it. It feels like home to pick them. Only the wild ones though.

On today’s walk I found a nice airy five foot high blueberry bush and could not pass them by even though I have no one to share them with and believe it or not blueberries are really not in my top ten fruits to eat, I still HAD to pick them because I wholeheartedly believe that the bush ENJOYS being picked (the birds pick them too), yielding a higher amount of berries for the next year. Plants know when they are Useful and they produce accordingly.

As I picked for that small amount of time (7-9 minutes), I listened to music on my earbuds, felt perfectly content, felt a little bit like I was trespassing as there was a house close by just beyond the bush but then I reminded myself “it’s a ditch” and, also felt, not like a bird, but like a deer. The moment I turned back and jumped up on the road again is when I felt most like the deer, my feet even made the same rustling noice in the bushes and grasses as I jumped.

I had stopped picking when my hand was too full for any more.

It could have been any number of things in my hand; a baby bird, an insect, a butterfly wing, rocks, anything!

As I came out of the woods (from the trail) I crossed the road and deliberately took a photo of this sign as I found it very charming. There is a great deal of honking going on today. God bless Gail, she’s 90!! (I don’t know her but I had also honked earlier).

could have been anything, but it was blueberries, and a buttercup for decoration and whimsy

I found out today that my left hand holds a full quarter of a cup. I hadn’t realized that before today.

If today was a song it would sound like a visit with old friends, driving through New Hampshire, a purple coffee shop, smiles from strangers, hot sunshine and humidity, the sound of birds and lapping lake water, a true crime podcast, laundry machines humming and spinning downstairs, Birkenstocks, a navy blue sundress, iced coffee, dirt roads, the hum of fans in every window, in my voice, my song, of my hand, of my memories, of my blueberries.

You are loved.

an A-plus baby

Posted on June 23, 2024 by Shanda

“But how did you come to us, you dear?

God thought of you, and so I am here.”

–George MacDonald

Grace had an a-plus baby boy the beginning of the month, our first grandson. He was born on a Sunday morning into a room filled with prayers and scripture, to the beautiful waiting arms of his mommy and daddy. I spoke to Grace shortly afterwards, right after church, and heard her sweet voice saying, “I have a little son!” I was holding the phone in my hand, and I was smiling.

My daughter is a mother, and she is in her glory.

A weight lifted off of me. I realized then how much the anticipation and healthy concern I had for the event had been heavy on my soul. Waiting and hoping and praying and helping, a mother there to support her darling but only able to do just so much. Now it was over, and she was safely on the other side of pregnancy and child birth. God held her in His hands and she was brought through. A tiny son was born.

He was 6 lbs and 6 oz, and 20” long.

His name is Rorric Paul.

We call him Rory.

He now weighs 8 pounds, and at his check up the other day, his doctor said he was an A-plus baby.

As I go about my many many daily activities I say to myself, “Rory is an A-plus baby, an A-plus baby is he.” I smile and smile. OF COURSE our precious Grace and her very smart husband Brogan would produce such an offspring! I can’t wait to have conversations with him. I wonder what he’ll say!

I smile at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

Life

Posted on June 15, 2024 by Shanda

Rich and I just had a lovely little conversation about the things we see and do that make us feel most alive and glad to be alive in this big full glorious feast of a world….

Flowers some beautiful soul brought to work (Starbucks) to make people happy.

Babies and children

Music

Healers

Belief in Jesus and His practices

Growing things

Food

biology

Nature-birds, collections, observing

Beautiful books

Motion (in nature -like the wind for instance-or people-like dance and sports) participant AND observing

The arts

Fashion- make up, clothes, body art, doing my nails or doing someone’s nails for them, etc

page from my journal with my own happy drawing -I LOVE new pens and markers

Fishing

Boating

Trail riding (3 or 4 wheeler)

Swimming in a pool with lots of happy people

BBQ with family

Ford Cobra-drive with top down with you, stopping to get coffee

Picking flowers for you from a field of flowers

Hunt-but not to shoot anything, just to see nature

Hiking, to see a beautiful view

I’ve always loved picking wild flowers, even as a little girl. Makes my heart sing.

Some beautiful soul brought daisies to Bible Study. Wasn’t that nice?

Rich and I had just half an hour for our little talk because as usual, it was brought to our attention that there was “nothing to eat” in the house so he told the girls (Sarah and her friend) to give us a little time and then he would take them to Dunkin to get anything-anything their hearts desired- that they wanted off the menu.

“What does *a little time* mean??” Sarah asked suspiciously. “Half an hour?” “Oh okay” …….

We set the timer so as to not frustrate them.

Before it went off we weren’t able to come up with one of our most favorite life affirming activities as a couple but I will take the liberty to share it anyway:

Kissing and hugging and making babies. (The making babies part is over now, though, we already made them). Now we just make love and our children are making the babies.

Of course lists like these are never ending, really. The truth is, life is a continual feast. what makes us happy to be alive? We are just getting started.

The End.

No.

THE BEGINNING ❤️🦋🎵

opposite of depression

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Shanda

…..I read a thing on instagram this morning that said the opposite of depression was expression. I’m not depressed but I used to be. And I do happen to wholeheartedly agree that the opposite of *most of what ails us* IS expression through creativity. Just think about what the first verse in the Bible is; “In the beginning, God created.” That’s our God for you. Creating things and saying they are good.

It’s just after 8 in the morning here. The air conditioning is humming, and I have a scrumptious roly poly grandbaby in bed with me. I gave her a big bottle of milk after changing her diaper and putting her in my bed. She’s sound asleep now and will probably sleep for a while, I’m guessing, based on her Daddy’s report of her being a little fussy in the night.

So I’m going to get up, take some Tylenol for this headache, dress in something colorful, put some happy music on…….

……and start expressing and creating a day of beauty just for me.

Ideas-

Scrapbook page of clippings with some paintings and pretty words, notebook page with verses written in cursive handwriting, play the piano, clear the table and make a lovely arrangement in the very center, open the doors and windows to air the house, pick flowers, bake a cake for later, write someone a note, dance to music, sing, do some chalkboard art, sew, repair something, light candles, make a toy, turn a cartwheel, do the chores artistically, photograph some bugs, play with cats, smile, laugh, clap my hands. “Rejoice and be glad in the day God has made.”

Made!

grandma

Posted on February 9, 2024 by Shanda

“This is the blessed life~
not anxious to see far down the road
nor overly concerned about the next step,
not eager to choose the path
nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future
but quietly following the Shepherd,
one step at a time.” from Streams in the Desert

Rich and I were blessed by the arrival of a new baby granddaughter, born on January 22.

The proud parents are our son Jacob and his wife Brittnee, and they named their first born daughter Lucy Adeline. She was 6 lbs, 12 oz. at birth and today at her check up she weighed 8 pounds, 4oz. I am completely smitten by her. She is perfectly healthy and a very pretty baby, so smart and bright. A marvel.

Brittnee had a c-section and I visited the hospital several times before they were discharged. I was especially thankful that Rich and I met her for the first time, together. He was so dear as he looked at every. single. stuffed animal in the hospital gift shop trying to find just the right one for Lucy; and while he didn’t fall in love with the idea of being a grandfather, he fell promptly in love with the very real and darling granddaughter herself.

Jacob and Brittnee are settling into their new role as parents like naturals and we are so proud of them. The had a baby and moved closer to home all in the same week, with good humor and grace. We love having them near.

As always, I am keeping my heart and eyes held wide open to the beauty around me, while also savoring each day’s hidden delights given for me and for me only, holding them close, to remember and thank God for….. over and over again. This is a personal journey to home, and yet we go there together on these precious golden pathways to glory, hand in hand with so much love. Welcoming new babies is a joy along the way. We love our little Lucy.

That old familiar ache of deep wonder over the gifts of time makes me feel alive like nothing else.

Prepare yourself for magic.

grief is wild

Posted on July 6, 2023 by Shanda

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”

Good morning friends, here I am, still in bed upstairs in the NH cabin. The windows are open, and a fan in the window is powerfully pushing in the cool air of this beautiful still new day. And don’t you just love a new day?

How are you? I pray these early summer days have been lovingly warm and comforting for your sweet souls. Love is what matters most. And love can be found anywhere thanks be to an everywhere at once God (Who literally IS love, 1 John 4:7) and His merciful ways……in the very act of living itself, in a pet, a purpose, community, Scripture, art, relationships. Giving, creating. Knowing. Being known. Alive. Awake.

For God so *loved*…..

In the beginning, God *created*…..

Take my yoke upon you and *learn of me*….

For the very hairs on your head are numbered and He knows each tear that falls from your eyes.

The very eyes that were once blind, but now can see. See beyond the surface, we are “far from the shallow now.” We are in deep where life is an continual feast.

If I stop and consider all the ways I am loved my cup is neither half empty nor half full—it’s overflowing from an endless rushing fountain. I happily stand, flooded by love on every side. My house on the Rock stands firm.

As Mother I find my strength in Love. Yes, I have ten children, but I know now that I would be a mother even with no children of my own. Quite simply, mothering is half of my one whole Purpose. And as such, I simply must spend time basking, bathing, being consumed, in and by the love of God. Remembering. Believing. Accepting. Receiving. Only in this way will my weaknesses become strength.

To Mothers and Lovers, (Lover-the second half of this “life purpose” of mine), to mothers and lovers, grief is wild. To live here on earth, in this world, is to suffer deeply from pain and loss. As I woke this morning I remembered times throughout my whole life when the anguish of loss was so great I had to go into the woods to scream and cry. My body took over and my mind was lost. In this way, grief is a very dark and frightening place. At times the Mothers and the Lovers have no one near enough to console them in their passionate grief. This is where we end, and the mystery takes over. Questions unanswerable like “why”, “how” . And we learn another truth; even unanswerable questions have their own deep magic. Things unseen. The very definition of Faith. The hope of that Someday, when we know fully the things we only know now in part.

Faith, and Hope, these unbreakable divine powers, are how we keep on keeping on.

But the greatest of these, is Love.

why I am letting my hair go gray

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Shanda

(It’s really not that big of a deal but it’s fun to share and talk about.)

1. The amount of time that passed between dying the roots was getting shorter and I got tired of dealing with it. Tired of buying it, tired of applying it. I’m too interested in doing other delightful things in a day.

2. The EMDR therapy healed my brain to the point where I felt like I didn’t need to look a certain way anymore. I am comfortable in my own skin and no longer have the desire to dye my hair in order to appear younger (which was why I was dying it in the first place). I don’t fear growing older or having my hair “give my age away”. Aging isn’t causing me any anxiety anymore. at least aging hair 😉

3. I have a heart for realness. I felt that my dyed hair wasn’t me. And I wanted my real hair color back. I didn’t feel like my true self anymore. I am highly sensitive to everything, even looking into a mirror and seeing the way my hair looked. To me, my hair started representing more than just “hair”, it was something I could use as a way to feel authentic and real.

4. My sister stopped dying her hair, too. She inspired me. She’s younger than I am.

5. I came to a place where allowing myself to go gray was more of a sign of beauty and confidence than continuing to color it.

6. I go to a church, and a Bible study full of lovely white haired women. Their inner and outer beauty shines and I want to be like them in every way. I’m “joining the club” so to speak.

7. I didn’t like the zing on my scalp after I dyed it. I was never afraid of hair dye poisoning me or what have you, but it did irritate my scalp. This is probably my weakest reason.

8. Basically, it felt right in my soul. As soon as I committed, I had a new interesting joy and zero regret. My DIL Brittnee is tired of me showing her how the gray is growing.

9. My old lady friends said it’s going to take a long time. At first I felt defeated by time, but then I decided to embrace the process. it’s fun to watch it happen, sort of like watching a garden grow. little by little. It’s a beautiful lesson in life, to be patient enough to wait for what you want.

10. Incidentally, a few months ago I met a beautiful lady my age with gray hair. When I admired it she said that when she decided to stop coloring, she went ahead and shaved her entire head. Now her hair is long and thick and as I watched her tell her story I felt myself become truly tempted to emulate her. She said “Girl..you should” and even recommended collagen, but Sarah was already highly disturbed by the idea of her mother “looking like a granny” and the idea of her mother shaven sent her into distress.

My real hair!!!! I love it so much. Salt and pepper. Just like my Dad.

This is my own personal journey. I’m not trying to convince anyone or say that a person should be like this. I am a firm believer in “you do you”. And I love the uniqueness of every individual. I admire and enjoy all of humanity. I also believe in “changing your mind”, and while I don’t think I will ever go back to coloring, there’s nothing wrong with trying to go gray and then deciding it’s not for you and start coloring it again. Be confident and smile.

walking in a

Posted on March 15, 2023 by Shanda

winter wonderland.

I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.

And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.

The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.

I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.

“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”

If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.

Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.

How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.

Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.

Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.

“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23

Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.

Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”

“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”

“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”

“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”

“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”

Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.

Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.

We are truly blessed.

Brighton jewelry

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Shanda

Rich had two dozen pink long stemmed roses delivered to me along with a bunch of balloons for my birthday. Their beauty drew my attention for over a week but by today their heads were hanging so I took some sharp scissors, and snipped them off to dry in a box lid. Once they dry I will thread them and have a garland of memory-roses.

He knows my happy color is pink. It’s the little things that mean so much. Like the color pink, and roses, and surprise snow, and the sound of my children in the house for Presidents’ Day long weekend.

I’ve been getting pieces of jewelry from Brighton for a long time now, but in the last couple years I have noticed they were not staying silvery like they used to. It’s been a puzzle to me, and three different times I asked the ladies in the shop for help. First, they sold me their jewelry cleaner. Although it was in a pink container and smelled good, it didn’t do the trick. Then, I took a piece to the store and had them try. They were just as puzzled as I, and the darkness remained. Lastly, I had a little passive aggressive conversation with the lady a week ago when I went in to use my birthday coupon. She seemed to blame my skin, or my clothes, and again said that no one knows (not even corporate) why “some people” end up with discolored pieces. “Did you try silver cleaner?” She continued with an accusatory tone. I couldn’t leave fast enough with my new earrings.

But I remembered what she said and today I bought silver cleaner and it worked. How dumb it was for me to have to spend several years puzzling this out. Why didn’t I know that their jewelry was real silver, but with a “protective coating”?

It was pretty satisfying to rub the tarnish off. There is something satisfying about taking care of one’s things.

My mom noticed that instead of putting the forks, spoons, and knives into their separate places in the silverware tray, I was just throwing them in. “Housework is art”, she reminded me. Like my jewelry box, my silverware drawer, my life…..all is art.

I was thinking about Genesis the other day, and the first words of the Bible “In the beginning, God created……..”

That soul-nourishing creativity and making all of life my art is important, because it’s of God. It’s a divine purpose. And just like creation, we look and know that what we did in those moments was good.

good for what ails ya

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Shanda

A bit under the weather today. I was up last night with a nauseous stomach and just felt super gross all night and allowed myself to sleep until 8. I decided not to go to Bible Study but then I started discouraging myself with self-condemnation since it was a BIBLE study I was going to skip— when every other day I wouldn’t hesitate to go out shopping or what have you even if feeling under the weather. The pros and cons were battling it out in my mind so I called my husband and explained it all to him: I didn’t know if I felt up to going to Bible Study, but I did know that I needed to go to Tractor Supply because I ran out of bird seed. What sort of good godly woman would skip Bible Study because she wasn’t feeling well and yet still go to the store is what I wanted to know.

“God’s birds need to be fed.” is what he cheerfully answered unto me. And that was what did it! A good laugh lightened me up and I remembered something. God allows me the freedom to make choices for myself, He loves me and never leaves me based on what I do or don’t do, or ever at all. I am free. The Bible Study I go to is very comfortable and I am just one of the participants, I’m not a leader or anything. It’s there to bless women in the community, not to take attendance or make demands.

In essence, NO ONE CARES. Lol

So, did I go?

Yep! After all that I still went. Out of duty? Out of the belief that it was the righteous thing to do? Nope!

The only reason why I went was because I wanted to. That was why. I wanted to go because chances were very high that someone might say something or read something that might change my day and my outlook. I wanted to go because I wanted to be around these women who show me what genuine and safe love and acceptance looks like. I wanted to go because I love those ladies too, and I need the fellowship, which is a beautiful word to describe the way humans can be together. I tend to isolate and I know I need people and experiences to add layers to my life. Anyway the Bible Study didn’t disappoint. I was “glad to go to the house of the Lord.”

************

As I drove away afterwards, I decided to treat myself to an iced matcha latte from Dunkin. Now, I had a bit on my mind from the study that I was thinking about and maybe that’s why I ordered a “venti” in the drive through, out of the habit of mostly getting matchas at Starbucks. WELL! They startled me into the present moment by correcting me, “WE only have small, medium, and large HERE!” — oh well my apologies I want a large.

I get up to the window and had to wait because the system was rebooting because of the wind. Fine. After waiting for several minutes I was finally able to pay and was handed a matcha which looked just like a Venti but not necessarily a Large. “Is this a large?” “No, You didn’t order a large”. “Yes I did —remember I asked for a venti and you all laughed and said what’s a venti and I said— it’s a large.” It was all good natured and fun banter but still, I needed my large because, hydration. Ohhhhhh yes he remembered and conceded the point. He was gonna correct the misunderstanding. I went to hand back the medium which hadn’t even made it all the way into my cup holder and he said with a wave of his hand “oh just keep it, and I’ll make you a large.”

Then I was thinking “how the heck am I going to drink a gallon of matcha”…but quickly realized “wait Shanda, you’re sort of under the weather today and feeling a bit weird and I bet this is what’s going to cure you. God knows a good matcha latte has a lot of health benefits that you can’t remember off hand but you KNOW you read an article online somewhere that affirmed your propensity for endless matcha lattes. They’re scientifically proven to be good for what ails ya. This, THIS, is why you’re out of the house today. You THOUGHT it was for Bible Study and birdseed, but it was for the medicinal properties of Matcha!!!!!”