Rich is home safe and sound as of one o’clock today. Now my system can relax again. I just shut my door so I couldn’t hear Caleb announcing that “someone stole the power cord to my PS5”. I don’t know anything about it. I’m resting in bed and going to watch a little tv but first thought I would write a little here.
Today I went and helped out at a soup kitchen downtown at the church. It was joyous. Everyone had such personality and I do so love to observe. I was set to work on three huge metal bowls of fresh green beans—trimming them for the pot. It was green beans from my nightmares. Jill guessed about 30 pounds worth. I didn’t do it alone and I would probably never do it for a home-meal. Doesn’t that sound terrible. Now that I’ve become more accomplished at it, maybe I will. I used to love watching my Grandma or mom slice through a pile of green beans all lined up as best as they could be, in order to efficiently trim as many as possible in one swift cut of a large sharp knife. They are the gardeners that inspire me. Anyway, today we of the soup kitchen made large quantities of spaghetti and meatballs, tossed salad, fruit salad, and the beans. Hungry people come to the church to eat but most of the meals were packed in containers and delivered. I came away with some meals for the kids and when I was driving to the HS to get Caleb I took a turn and two of them spilled over into the trunk of my new car. So that was annoying (exciting) and I got a bucket of soapy water and cleaned it all up when I got home. I remembered when something like that would be “the straw that broke the camels back” in years past when I was stretched thin with all the children home and babies and toddlers and today was so thankful to realize that I could clean up this unexpected mess while remaining (be shocked) CALM, and even like sort of content and —rather enjoyed it! I carried the bucket back to the house and washed off the door and trim, too.
That was the major event of my day besides my husband coming back home. We had about four hours before he went to get Seth and Sarah from school and got subs for dinner.
Of note- I got myself gardening gloves and have been working on weeding and planting pansies, which I adore. My best -friend- cat Sammie found the gloves on the counter and as I was cleaning up the kitchen I noticed her writhing her face into them in pure ecstasy . “She acts like they’re catnip!” I said to David. “Do I have catnip out there??” I went outside with my handy dandy plant identification app and BEHOLD—discovered that we have big healthy clumps of it in the flower gardens and I just am so perplexed. Sammie figured it out. So that was fun, a fun story to tell Sarah when she got home. “So that’s why the cats eat that plant!” She said. “You’ve noticed them eating it?” I asked. “Yep!”
Isn’t daily life full of surprises? I never dreamed when I got up this morning that I would clean spaghetti out of my car and also discover catnip in the garden.
Here are some more promised wedding photos:
Me and my brother IsaacSarah, Caleb, Jacob, Ethan, David, Seth, GraceRich and I with the Bride and GroomMy parents and my siblings Me and my niece Abigail Me and one of my dearest friends Caroline who is Ethan’s “second mom”. (It takes a village)dancing – how romantical!That’s my parents dancing so close – how romantical!How romantical-I got kissed!
It was obviously a day of LOVE.
Mother and Groom dance. And I brushed the tears off my dear son’s face. he loves his mamaGoodness so many photos!! This is me and my sister Amanda!Ethan —someone’s husband!!My daughters hold my heart** Professional portraits**such a dreamEthan and his groomsmen Full of HAPPY Happy Me and my favorite brother Nathan! (Wink wink)Ethan and David Gracie and her beloved ~Ethan and Grace brother and sister Jacob and Ethan and their friend Zach Dad was crying as we danced to “What a Wonderful World”Me and my girls!!!Me and my Gracie girl
(These first three photos curtesy of their photographer).
Ethan and Sierra were married on April 15 and then they went to Italy for their honeymoon.
I think there has been a part of my heart recovering since then!! It was an absolute dream wedding and beautiful in every way. To dance with my son, wiping his tears away as we were together in that priceless moment, seeing Sierra marry my son with her beloved Grandfather officiating, my children all dressed up and so glad for their brother, the food.. the music ..the smiles. It was enough to “spoil” me from every day life for a good many days. Just savoring the memories. breathing deep. Thankful.
Ethan is our third child to get married. Jacob and Brittnee are going to celebrate their second anniversary soon, and then Brogan and daughter Grace shortly after.
We were reading from the book of Acts on Sunday, verses about the early days of the church, and that simple yet glorious phrase “and the Lord added to their number…..” gave me pause—of course me being me at this time thought that certainly these words could be applied to family as well, a growing family in the next stage of life, marrying adult children and welcoming their life-partners as true and most definitely loved children, too. I feel so amazingly blessed, and so does my husband, that the two of us over the years have turned into a family of twelve. 1+1=7+1+1+1=12
We are somewhat calming down after the big event, yet how can we with this number? Rich is at this time away on a business trip and since he rarely goes away anymore I can’t sleep very well without him. I woke up at three and couldn’t get back to sleep until after 4. I even went upstairs to make sure David didn’t oversleep for his Fed Ex shift. I woke him from a sound sleep and he was so kind about it, “my alarm is literally set to go off in one minute…..” which to me was pretty amazing that I had that sense. Obviously he needs no alarm with this kind of mother. I went to bed and read my book and then even though I didn’t want to I made myself sleep some more and the dreams, I’ll tell you, were vivid and strange. For example, I almost bought a medium green very rare and large fiestaware platter but by the time I got off the bus it had been sold for 50 dollars, in my dream I said “I would have given you 100”, etc and so on. I woke up for real at about 7 and when I reached for my phone I knocked the remote off my bed and it went underneath it. In my sleep drunken state the only thing I knew was “I dropped something I need to pick it up” therefore I started my day squeezing under the bed on one side and then the other, pulling things out and getting dusty to the point that I asked myself “am I just still dreaming” but there….I finally found it. I have since accomplished my morning routine of bedtime coffee and YouTube (Crazy Lamp Lady).
Then I went out and fed all five cats their daily cans of fancy feast. Perfect attendance is rare for my little cat family as there are some concerning animosities among them.
I proceeded to then take all my bird feeders (full of feed and suet cakes) off the table and back out into the bushes by the living room window because some large animal has been knocking them down in the night. As Aunt Colleen says “it’s quite exciting” which was nice because all I had felt was “annoyed”. Wouldn’t it be so much better to face life’s little challenges as exciting rather than annoying?
Speaking of….my children have been annoying my aura…..in other words -I have also been annoying as much or more than they have been. So I bit the bullet and took the four of them out to the mall yesterday after school and by the time we had car rides, shopping and pizza (Ethan joined) and more shopping we had reunited as a nice ( it annoying) little family again. We got home and had two hours of congenial family time; Dave even made another bowl of his famous guacamole while I read magazines with a cat on my lap.
Well I gather you’re here, dear blog friend, for the wedding photos…….enjoy!
The table of flowers-all fresh and just gorgeous My corsage that I switched to my other wrist eventually.Our son the groom, before the wedding.My dad and Rich talking before the wedding.My niece Abigail with my daughter Sarah Joy, waiting after the wedding for the bride and groom appear.
(No photos were taken by me during the ceremony)
My pretty mom and handsome dad Here they come!!The newly married. their wedding cake was so elegant—and yummyTheir wedding party!I am mom to all these precious souls.
I didn’t sleep well last night, I was fitful in a restless night for no reason. I was relieved to wake up the last time. I had a feeling it was a tolerable time to get up but I reached over and turned my phone on to check the time just to be certain. But then I placed it face down on the nightstand so I wouldn’t disturb my husband with the glow, missed, and it dropped and crashed flat on the bare floor with a sound like a shot. I got up. Or rather, I got down on the floor. I patted my hands around in the dark and found my phone; thankful to see it was 5:30 and I could end the night. I went downstairs. We are still in our New Hampshire cabin; we love it here. I finished a book that I found at a second hand shop that ended up being so heart felt and meaningful to me that I had to keep my notebook nearby so I could jot down quotes, here are a couple:
From the book WHEN SORROW COMES, by Grace Perkins Oursler published in 1950; (a book filled with gentle encouragement for loss and facing your own death someday)
“Lucky are the people who have already learned to search the Scriptures for the lines of particular value in particular need.”
“I’ve never known a reader but found the book he needed at the moment and for the occasion.”
“Hundreds before you have found freedom from the lash of remorse and guilt through the actual practice of repentance.”
“She had bettered the world she lived in.”
“All around us we recognize proof of Gods genius in converting waste into usefulness and beauty. With Him, nothing is purposeless.”
“We can never expect mercy and forgiveness if we do not in turn show mercy and forgiveness. The ones that are toughest to forgive call for God’s help and are a spiritual achievement to be proud of.”
And on and on, it’s a book rich with the wisdom of a thoughtful and observant woman. It inspired me to be what I already know I am; a good person who wants to love people. Within reason. There’s a disclaimer for you. I will be cautious but when I know a person is safe I’ll love them forever. In little ways. The ordinary opportunities that don’t shine very brightly are the ones I like best because it’s the closest thing to a secret. I truly feel best when I am hardly noticed. A background type of person, which is why I write. 🙂
I walked to the lake. When I got back Rich was awake and we decided to go to the coffee shop. I left a note on the fridge for the sleeping children and when we returned two hours later after not only coffee but the country store AND the library, the precious little angels were still asleep. I know, I was shocked, too. We got them up (okay it was me with my loud singing “I’m home I’m home and I have muffins for youuuuu”) we took them out to have some fun.
We ended up at the Funstop again for the second time because the other place (which had a sign out front “open year round”) turned out to be closed on Tuesdays. I ask you.
So we played mini golf (indoor) and then I read magazines while they played arcade games.
I don’t know why I’m recording all these details. But on the way to the Funstop the girls (Sarah and her friend from school who came with us as our guest) confessed that after we went to bed last night they got all ready for the hot tub “we even put our hair up in buns” (they both have very long thick hair) and were on our way out but Seth heard them and told then “Dad said to go to bed at 9:30 so we didn’t go out after all.” I told them they were such good children that they could have anything, anything they wished for I would grant. rather like that elf in that three wishes story—remember. You think the very poor man and his wife would wish for something profitable but nooo. In this case I was sort of playing a risky game. But it all worked out charmingly. What they ended up wishing for was “soda, from the vending machine”. At the arcade. It was such an adorable request….I say, it truly is the little things. I don’t know what it is about vending machines but they are a usual “no” from me, but this time I had to say yes and they were so cute and happy making their choices and pushing the buttons. It couldn’t happen fast enough.
Incidentally I got three holes in one but still came in third (I played w Rich and Seth who are both very very competitive as am I, but they are naturally better than I am. It is sincerely depressing. Lol) SOMEDAY. I bet if I ever do win I’ll feel bad bc they lost. They want the wins so badly.
So ummmmm. Oh yes the whole reason why I’m here is to share pictures from the library we visited today and to just say….Ethan and Sierra are getting married on Saturday. Just typing it makes me all excited. Our third child to have a wedding, can you even?
Just look at this charming place.
Just a few feet inside the door I saw this! A shoe organizer filled with not shoes but a birds nest collection! I collect them too! I have quite a few, they are like artwork, no doubt about it. Imagine building something like this with YOUR beak!!
And then, a butterfly display. Not only these nature items from God’s big beautiful world, but IN A LIBRARY. Books! Nature! A perfect marriage.
Rich called me over to admire the painted mural. Out of sheer habit, we had gravitated straight to the children’s section.
A charming wood carving.
They didn’t come out.
“It’s you!” Rich said, I followed his gaze and found a witch. I’m a sort of witch but I’m not wicked.
It was an elegant library, more about books and wooden furniture and shelving (all wood) and curtains and rugs and character than any I’ve ever seen. The library alone tempts me to change my primary residence to New Hampshire.
I must have been in a mood because even this thrilled my heart—how beautiful and generous! I love it.
And then to top it all off, a hobbit hole. Not that my son David has been wanting to live in one since the first day he read the book!! I texted him right away. And sent the video to my Hobbit loving family.
I snagged some free magazines to cut for scrapbooking and also a pamphlet so I can be a friend of the library.
Rich took this today; I love how you can see his shadow.
Happy end of the (tues)day friends! Think of me as we prepare for the big day on Saturday. All my kids except Seth and Sarah and Brogan are IN the wedding. (so-seven in the ceremony, Caleb as an usher). I have my mother of the groom dress I may as well share it now;
It was truly a God and me moment, He basically sent me in to Anthropologie a couple weeks ago and handed it to me off the clearance rack. What makes it special is ITS ETHANS FAVORITE COLOR!!!!!!! My sweet baby boy all grown up, I wear this dress for YOU.
(It’s really not that big of a deal but it’s fun to share and talk about.)
1. The amount of time that passed between dying the roots was getting shorter and I got tired of dealing with it. Tired of buying it, tired of applying it. I’m too interested in doing other delightful things in a day.
2. The EMDR therapy healed my brain to the point where I felt like I didn’t need to look a certain way anymore. I am comfortable in my own skin and no longer have the desire to dye my hair in order to appear younger (which was why I was dying it in the first place). I don’t fear growing older or having my hair “give my age away”. Aging isn’t causing me any anxiety anymore. at least aging hair 😉
3. I have a heart for realness. I felt that my dyed hair wasn’t me. And I wanted my real hair color back. I didn’t feel like my true self anymore. I am highly sensitive to everything, even looking into a mirror and seeing the way my hair looked. To me, my hair started representing more than just “hair”, it was something I could use as a way to feel authentic and real.
4. My sister stopped dying her hair, too. She inspired me. She’s younger than I am.
5. I came to a place where allowing myself to go gray was more of a sign of beauty and confidence than continuing to color it.
6. I go to a church, and a Bible study full of lovely white haired women. Their inner and outer beauty shines and I want to be like them in every way. I’m “joining the club” so to speak.
7. I didn’t like the zing on my scalp after I dyed it. I was never afraid of hair dye poisoning me or what have you, but it did irritate my scalp. This is probably my weakest reason.
8. Basically, it felt right in my soul. As soon as I committed, I had a new interesting joy and zero regret. My DIL Brittnee is tired of me showing her how the gray is growing.
9. My old lady friends said it’s going to take a long time. At first I felt defeated by time, but then I decided to embrace the process. it’s fun to watch it happen, sort of like watching a garden grow. little by little. It’s a beautiful lesson in life, to be patient enough to wait for what you want.
10. Incidentally, a few months ago I met a beautiful lady my age with gray hair. When I admired it she said that when she decided to stop coloring, she went ahead and shaved her entire head. Now her hair is long and thick and as I watched her tell her story I felt myself become truly tempted to emulate her. She said “Girl..you should” and even recommended collagen, but Sarah was already highly disturbed by the idea of her mother “looking like a granny” and the idea of her mother shaven sent her into distress.
My real hair!!!! I love it so much. Salt and pepper. Just like my Dad.
This is my own personal journey. I’m not trying to convince anyone or say that a person should be like this. I am a firm believer in “you do you”. And I love the uniqueness of every individual. I admire and enjoy all of humanity. I also believe in “changing your mind”, and while I don’t think I will ever go back to coloring, there’s nothing wrong with trying to go gray and then deciding it’s not for you and start coloring it again. Be confident and smile.
A beautiful day. Just came back from a wander in the woods. And a first; I found myself reaching down to handle the moist cool earth, and underneath a log I found an empty snail shell. No sign of it’s inhabitant, so I brought it home in my pocket. There is dirt imbedded in my hands, and to my ears the birds sound beautifully quite full of new song. My steps crackled and crunched over leaves and twigs in the woods. When I came to a fallen tree I walked the length of it to try my balance. I heard spring peepers and saw a pair of mallard ducks, swimming gently down the stream (merrily merrily). I found an old nest! It was easy to get to. I carefully broke it away with its supporting branches and carried it home.
It’s a time of quiet and pensiveness for me—mother-me. The mother who is watching the birds and flowers bloom, gathering old nests and listening to songs, is the mother who is also preparing to very soon watch her son marry his darling, and another son chose a college and finish his senior year.
When the heart is full, it must overflow. Tears come as I think about the passing years. Wondering how I could have let them go without doing more, being more, loving more. I wanted to. And yet a mother is also a woman of her own, and during all those years I was also growing. Becoming more, (rather than DOING MORE) in other areas of life outside of motherhood. I can’t be disappointed about giving the children less than all of me, because then I wouldn’t be myself. They are secure in my love, and the love of their father and siblings. Together we grow in love and grace each day. and yet, I wish almost greedily, for more ordinary days of simply me, and them, together.
Caleb has not made the decision for school lightly, he gave it a great deal of thought and preparation. And now he is all set to attend Liberty University in the fall, a college about nine hours from home. Caleb, one of the “younger ones”. My sweet boy. I would rather not. And yet, the way it all worked out was “a shower of blessing” from above. Each thing that fell into place, each unexpected gift (such as a local life-long classmate of his as a roommate) (such as my best friends daughter also going) (such as him running into a camp friend), gave us such full hearts we couldn’t help but praise God and thank Him.
So it was, while Rich was with Caleb in Virginia, and I was at home with the others, that my mom texted with me with her own wise mother-words:
You will be a better Shanda as all these changes happen. I think I’m a better person now, more like Cindy should be. Not someone else’s person.
The truth of it all went straight to my heart and I knew she was right. And, like I’ve thought so many times before, if life is like a roller coaster I want to be the woman who throws up her hands and enjoys the thrill of the ride, (with some screaming now and then) rather than the one holding back in resistance.
Moss is the most vibrant green of New England in early April. A shell from the forest, not the sea.Found underneath a half-decomposed log in the middle of nowhere. I’m beginning to think that there IS no nowhere.Mr & Mrs Mallard The nest is now part of a house plant.
“Mom come here. This is my pile of “to be read” books. So ….I’m going to wrap each one up in wrapping paper and number them. Then I’m going to write the numbers on little pieces of paper and put them in a bowl and pick one every time I’m ready for a book to read. So that’s what I’m going to be busying myself with for the next couple hours. Where’s the wrapping paper? Where’s the tape?”
“Tomorrow I’m going to come home from school and start reading for 24 hours. I’m going to take a nap first and then drink some coffee and read.”
She’s got one Dickens book she says she’s afraid to read because she’s going to have to read the dictionary with it. “Everyone should read a classic, even if you don’t know how.”
I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.
And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.
The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.
I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.
“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”
If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.
Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.
How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.
Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.
Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.
“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23
Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.
Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”
“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”
“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”
“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”
“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”
Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.
Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.
Good to be Home 