My body sinks into the couch. My nerves are smooth peace. My muscles are soft. My feet are warm in socks and loose slippers. I’m wearing a thick sweater and sweatpants. “Down shifting” is my personal term for a busy person starting to relax, it takes some time but down we go. For years I was going going going. And now even when I’m busy I can be calm. Going through EMDR therapy last year changed my life. Radically. I am an all-around healthier woman. I knew what I wanted, knew it shouldn’t be that hard, and was finally handed the keys to the abundant life. Trauma therapy. Education. Experience. Growth.

I made a tossed salad for dinner. We have floury rolls and butter to go with it. Rich got the hot tub ready and Sarah’s about to go enjoy that. The boys are playing video games downstairs. It’s been a lovely day and it’s still only 6:30pm.

NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. If life is too hard right now, search and seek your answers. You will find them. He wants you to thrive and enjoy this life.

I love you, friends.

PS. She wrote Johnny Tremain.

“I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditations on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious.” Philippians 4:8-9

Yesterday I ended up not having the time to write….I had Bible Study at 10 downtown at the Methodist church. I go every week along with about five other ladies. The five other ladies average the age of about 85, it’s absolutely the highlight of my life currently. They are my inspiration. And part of the reason why I stopped dying my hair.

I went grocery shopping, and then ate lunch at home while watching the bird feeders outside the window. I have a rocking chair near enough to put my feet up in the windowsill. The afternoon sun shines in and usually a cat or two comes to watch the birds with me.

I went for a walk. I couldn’t resist collecting a few bottles and cans I found on the side of the road. I ended up with an armful and most were beer, so I wrapped my sweater around them, prompting Seth and Sarah to ask when I got back, “what is it? A cat? A dog?” Always wanting another pet to love…. Boy were they surprised to see it was empty cans. I jokingly call returning bottles and cans my “other side hustle”. I mean, it adds up! Ya know?

And then dearest Caleb had his last band concert. We got there early and as usual I couldn’t take my eyes off my son, in a sea of other children, I only saw him. The drummer boy. Spinning his sticks around. By the end Rich and I both had tears in our eyes, and his were rolling down his cheeks. So many years of these band performances and now they are over. I wonder if he will ever join a band ever again? It was hard for me to keep him in the HS band. I would NOT let him quit. He said he hated it. I can’t believe that’s entirely true. He did admit it looked good on his college transcript, to say he participated in four years of HS band.

He’s always drumming. Even my back is a drum when we hug.

This morning I took him to school. After that I drove to the store to get things for the kids for our road trip to NH this afternoon. I mailed boxes for eBay (china, glasses, and books) and talked to my sister on the phone on the way home.

I’ve been packing for the weekend. Trying to also think of myself and what I want to bring just for me. Books, tea, slippers, my robe, magazines, pens pencils and markers and my notebook. My headphones. I’m certainly not going to go and be everyone’s cook and cleaner and it’s just so lovely to have grown children to be with, I love this stage of life I’m in. Caleb is bringing his friend Dylan so it’s a nice even foursome of children. And Sarah the only girl. It works out just fine. She gets her own room. (Wink wink—yes it’s a bone of contention).

I enjoy keeping busy. By the end of the day I enjoy the tired feeling of a satisfying day. I’ve been sleeping so well, deeply with dreams.

Yesterday at Bible Study we were focused on Psalm 91; (I feminized it)

“Because she holds fast to me in love,

I will deliver her,

I will protect her,

because she knows my name.

When she calls to me, I will answer her;

I will be with her in trouble;

I will rescue her and honor her.

With long life I will satisfy her and

show her my salvation.” Ps. 91:14-16

And these promises are true, absolutely true and comforting like the most comfortable place you can imagine and even better than that. Reading the words, or listening to them being read out loud (I like to play the audio Message Bible as I work), changes our inward being. For me it’s a feeling deep peace and joy and love. Belonging to God and having Him care for me fills my soul with glorious light. I want to stay close to Him always and each moment.

Happy weekend,

We are so loved.

Today I took Caleb for his follow up appointment regarding his knee which he injured during states (for wrestling). The doctor is recommending stitching the slightly torn meniscus together so it can heal properly. He was impressed that Caleb did as well as he did at states, placing sixth after twisting his knee and wrestling two more matches after hurting it. Caleb was relieved to know that all the caution was worthwhile, his wrestling ended that day for the season, and he has no choice but to miss spring sports.

After the appointment we went to IHOP because, as always, he was hungry. He’s the child who doesn’t ask for anything but food (or money, for food). If he sees me or even senses me in the house he finds me and tells me he’s so hungry. It’s half funny and half true, he’s a growing 17 year old, a senior this year in High School. I can’t hardly believe it. Rich is taking him to visit Liberty University at the end of this month.

We sat across from each other and had coffee and breakfast. It was lovely. He’s a very easy going, calm, unruffled personality. much like his Dad. I can depend on him if I remember if he’s home (because he’s quiet). As I ate my bacon and eggs I thought about how good it was to have one on one time with him and how next year it will be so different to have him away at school. No matter the personality, each one of my darlings are a huge part of my heart. So our breakfast together, “thanks” to an injured meniscus, was something I held dear and close to my heart as another memory to save and keep. My favorite Caleb in the universe.

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

The kids had early dismissal today and Rich worked from home. I spent some time in the morning downstairs listing Easter things on my eBay shop, and then I wrapped up a (vintage, 1st edition) book to mail. After the post office I went along to Goodwill where I found some “brown drip glaze” Hull plates to bring home to sell, and some other odds and ends. Then a quick trip into the grocery store for dinner ingredients (tuna noodle casserole) and a sandwich lunch to eat as I drove. By the time I got back at 11:45 the children were home. Rich was making a big salad, and Sarah asked me to go get a friend of hers so they could giggle all afternoon. Back into the car I went, and on my way I stopped at an egg stand that I’ve been meaning to visit. Over the last six months we have lost all of our hens and ducks to wild predators and my heart can’t take the pain of losing anymore so at this time we have no plans to replace them. Thankfully there are people who sell extra eggs and today I found some selling for five dollars a dozen. It was a place right next to the main road into town, an easy driveway to maneuver, and the eggs were all stacked in a small refrigerator type cupboard with handwritten notes all over it like “smile you’re being videotaped” and “empty egg cartons needed”—in a man’s handwriting I’m fairly certain. Being sold using the “honor system” I threw in my ten dollars and selected two cartons and went on my way without seeing a single soul.

I was completely charmed? aghast? at the eggs. I personally can’t imagine putting chicken poop covered eggs out to sell, or a dozen minus one egg filled carton either. But the smell of unwashed eggs was nostalgic and I had to smile. Plus, the variety. I am especially pleased with the dark browns. All in all, I am completely grateful to have an egg supplier three miles from home.

at the orthodontist.

All my body fibers (all except the ones who requested coffee from under the covers) were weak and half asleep when my husband left for work but he kindly set a mug of of it down on the table by my bed as he said goodbye. it was 6:45.

It took fifteen minutes for me to come to enough state of wakefulness to get into a sitting position and *shakily reach for the coffee. It wasn’t that hot anymore. I was so tired.

And then in the silence my bedroom door slowly opened.

“I’m so sorry Mom”

“Caleb didn’t wake us up.”

“He said he told me last night to set my alarm.”

“And doesn’t he even know it doesn’t work? I tried it the other day but it just started bleeding……”

Bleeding?

“No mom. BEEPING.”

Us? We? Is Seth here too? and Caleb?

(Starts to weep)

The queen was disturbed.

I sent for Caleb. He approached and brought me paper and a red marker (seemed fitting). After they dressed and ate, I sent them far far away with my royal horseman. (Their brother David).

*adverb. /ˈʃeɪkɪli/ /ˈʃeɪkɪli/ while shaking and feeling weak, often because you are ill, emotional or old.

(in no particular order)

…..singing—even when I am confronted by evil I cannot stay sad, in every day of my life something has happened to lift my heart to praise God. And so I sing. Music is the food of love.

…..writing—the written word, to me, is easier to use than speaking.

……speaking—but when I have something to say I will say it.

….resting—I will never allow myself to feel guilty for not being able to keep up with others. I move at my own pace.

…..Loving—-lovers must love. I was made to love and I know this beyond doubt. love is the power that softens willing and able hearts. Without love I am nothing.

….mothering—so much of what I do is performed as “mother”; cleaning, tending, touching, mending, preaching, saying no, saying yes.

…..Reading—my escape, my mind opener

……exploring nature—because there is always something to be discovered.

…..Grieving—-because there is no pain like betrayal.

…..Looking up—because that is where God is.

…..adopting cats—-needs no explanation

…..taking photos—I want to remember. I want to share.

…learning, moving, laughing, being brave, questioning, thanking, creating. Living.

I had to go outside just in case there were talking animals in the woods (deer, moose, mouse?), or an elf or goblin, friendly ghost, a message written on a branch, or an entryway into another land. An icy world is out there, I’m actually writing this in the woods, the sound of glassy rain falling. I ate some ice off the ground but I still feel like regular me. (It might have been of medicinal or magical value.). The air is bitter on my cheeks and nose but I am warm enough everywhere else. It’s quiet but not quiet enough, I can hear dirty traffic moving too fast on the roads in the distance. But maybe that has some magic, too.

I just got done reading a book in which the character “God Emperor” continues to have his favorite soldier re-created over and over. If the man makes a mistake of some sort, he is eliminated and remade, yet he always has the awareness of his previous selves and lives. In time he becomes frustrated and angry at the God. And he’s angry because at this point life no longer has magic for him. Constantly coming back to life over and over removed the magic of living a once in a lifetime life.

I think about the concept. If I knew I had endless more days on earth, would this day hold any specific value? When you’re exhausted from living the same day over and over, or bored, what is the attraction of immortality? We know our days on earth will come to end. We know we are dust, and to dust we will return. This knowledge is bitter sweet. But longing and sadness and grief also add beauty to life. The only thing to fear is fear itself.

I thought last night, “what if….” One of my children was out and what if they didn’t come back? I recognized it for what it was, I was letting this thought create a fear in my soul. I know the truth, I have a God, a real God (not from that paperback fantasy novel I just finished), a God, a trinity Father, Son, Holy Spirit, that I learn about from a real Book, a sharp as knives set of Holy Words, that tells me not to fear. If that fearful thing happened He would be there with me and guide me through it. Like a trusting infant, I lay cradled in the arms of God. Knowing He holds me with everlasting love. Knowing that when this life is over, a new and more glorious one begins.

I can cast aside fear and go searching for magic. Thus I find myself in the woods in an ice storm thinking thinking and looking looking.

Two, three years ago I was in a dark place, and yet in my anguish I found myself writing on almost every page of my journals, “I trust God completely.” The only thing I could count on were the promises of God. Everything else was mixed up.

As one of the dear old hymns says “those who trust him wholly, find Him wholly true”. Now when I look back at my journals I remember that pain and marvel at how God worked to heal me. I’ve been able to learn so much. I’ve found an entirely new outlook on life and satisfaction with my family and husband. I found a new church family, and it’s a Methodist congregation. I grew up Baptist so yesterday was my very first Ash Wednesday. Oh how beautiful it was. When the Pastor put the ashes on my forehead he said, “Repent and believe in the gospel.” Those simple words are so beautiful they make me cry. I find myself not caring so much about the sin, but finding comfort, actual comfort in the fact that I am a sinner. We all are. In other words, I’m only human. I repent and it feels so wholesome. I’m not judged, I am understood by an all-loving and merciful Savior who very kindly saved me. I believe in the gospel because my heart burns within me telling me that this is real. I believe in the promises of God.

I’ve always enjoyed reading stories.

But I am living in the greatest story every told.

Do you have a favorite color that represents for your soul all that is beautiful, cheerful, and bright? (Pink)

You know those days when all because of your own dang poor decisions you end up feeling like crap? (poo)

Do you have a calendar, a brown writing utensil, and a pink writing utensil?

If so, I have something to say to you!

January was a challenge for me, but I got through it. And it took the entire month, but I eventually came up with a basic yet beautiful idea to gently motivate me in my #1 life-style improvement goal to 1. Not do the thing(s) that make me feel like poo, and 2. To absolutely do the thing(s) that nourish and heal my soul…….

When a day is complete and I am all ready to slip between the sheets and pick up a delightful book …. I will first think back over the day, and I will take an assessment, and I will color in the square day on my calendar accordingly.

I was so excited to get up and turn the calendar page to February (my favorite month) this morning. A fresh clean month of expectation.

Indeed, it’s only 6:52 a.m. and I just know that in about fourteen hours I will probably be picking up that pink marker, God willing.

February was made to be as pink as possible!!

“Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in.” Hebrews 12:1