heart-work

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Shanda

And the Lord
will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

Praise the Savior, ye who know Him!
Who can tell how much we owe Him?
Gladly let us render to Him
All we are and have. ~Thomas Kelly

Before I start my day today (which means: clean my kitchen. again.) I sit here in my room with you, my dearest bloggy friends, and a cup of rapidly cooling coffee, my latest scrapbook, and one small female Samantha cat behind me on the narrow shelf top of my bed’s headboard.

Wanting to say hello. Wanting to connect. Wanting to pray for you. Wanting to love.

Rich woke me up out a sound sleep this morning and we all know what happens when the Queen is awakened by a magical kiss…….she wakes up and doesn’t go back to sleep. With the extra two hours, in which every one else is asleep but Seth, I shall sit my Queenly self on my throne (bed) and tippety tap on the ol’ keyboard, to you, my friends. (The King is in the garage, hard at work).

I was considering hearts.

And how once I was blind, but now I can see.

Seth turning around and looking at me while eating homemade biscuits and sausage gravy, “Thank you, Mom,” he says. There is the briefest of pauses as he looks into my eyes and sees my smile before he also smiles and turns back to his breakfast.

Ethan helping his sister clean the kitchen without saying a word or being asked.

Jacob “fathering” his youngest brother so patiently through learning a new game.

David giving me the best hug after I asked him for one (yes, I did have to ask twice). “I give the best hugs, that’s what the girls all say.”

Rich bringing me coffee in bed.

Brittnee wanting to be close and already like a daughter to me.

Grace and her friendship, we are so alike, we understand each other without any effort.

Caleb waking up one morning and walking right into my arms for a hug. He’s taller and bigger than I am now, but “I had the worst dream,” he says, and I think, “I am the listener of dreams.”

And then, Sarah.

I let her be carefree as much as possible, and I find her singing to herself as she plays alone with her toys, or curled up with a book, or sometimes I am not even sure where she is……..

But yet, I remembered again that the smallest of ways to gather her little heart to mine are so easy, so effortless, that I don’t even realize it’s happening until I see the evidence lasting for days…….I was on the couch one evening, it was just the two of us, she was sitting three feet away and I motioned her close to my side and pulled her into my arm for snuggles and the most wonderful movie; “Kedi” on amazon prime (I bought it a few years ago) it’s all about cats in Istanbul, and so lovely with music, little stories, and charming cats galore, just right for comforting TV time and blankets, for mother and daughter both.

And Samantha even watched, too.

And then, when it was over, we simply had to go out to look at the beautiful bright moon.

We were together, just the two of us, and we felt like we were getting away with something, going outside at night instead of straight to bed!

She was as bright and full of light as the moon itself. She laughed. She shivered. She said she was freezing. I laughed and said, “Oh stop, you’re fine!” just to make her giggle again.

In that moment, I felt it deep within me. This isn’t just fun, this is deeper than that. It’s hearts.

We said goodnight to the moon and each other.

And the next morning, while I was in bed in my nightgown drinking coffee, the first thing she did when she woke up was come to me and get back close to mama. These days are different, all of us gloriously at home and honestly, 98% of the time it is party-atmosphere, we get along so well, but then we might miss out on the one on one time, and I relearned this as I saw how Sarah warmed right up to me in this way after spending time with just me.

She got a cookbook and went through recipes as I read my own book, and she picked out a cake to make together later on……..

Then Seth came and got on the other side of me and my coffee spilled.

Somehow it was funny.

Everything was funny yesterday.

Isn’t it interesting the variety of days? One day we are exhausted, so we spend most of it being as “lazy” as possible, and then the next day our energy is back in full swing and we do allllllllll the things and everything is fun and good again.

I wonder what today will be like.

I know I’m homeschooling again. Remembering my old tricks. Thank goodness I only have to oversee Seth and Sarah; Rich is in charge of David and Caleb. Grace is a HUGE help, and I involve everyone in this household, I ask for help and they always come through for me. Can’t life always be this way? Can’t Rich always work from home? Can’t the older ones stay forever? Why must we separate? I don’t want to go back to being alone during the day again. I’m liking this too much. We have our own small community here, with a population of ten.

“I acknowledge with great gratitude the peace and contentment we can find for ourselves in the spiritual cocoon of our homes………”
~James Faust

If I can be content now, I can surely be content with, too, children flying the nest. Yes, I know, I know, all is well, and all will be well. Now is now, let us focus on the day.

I like to stick things in my ponytail while walking….it’s such fun! I’ve even been known to add small branches to it! LOL.

Please enjoy these old mashed potatoes, my fine-feathered friends.

Thank you, dear son! Please fold everything, including the underwear and socks! (he often doesn’t go that far in his laundry service)

Jacob is our resident grocery store shopper. And oh how I appreciate him and his thoughtful, good work here. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have him do this for me.

Homemade biscuits baked in cast iron, makes a world of difference.

I made them for sausage gravy but later on for a snack I had one with jam and sour cream.

I was torn by the end of the ordering process. Should I pick “free shipping and who knows WHEN it will arrive?” Or five-dollar shipping guaranteed to come within the week?

Free it was, and it still arrived in less than a week. VERY PLEASED WITH YOU, ANTHROPOLOGIE. Well done.

And I LOVE the overalls so so so so much.

Rich is in the background, working. This is the room in the upstairs of the garage which is mostly a home-gym but then there is also a desk by the windows for him to work. He is so thankful for this area away from the busyness of the household. He is still working full days and keeping busy. I go over to visit a few times a day, stomping up the stairs in a dramatic fashion (Mt. Everest of stairs!) and falling in a heap at the top from the exertion.

Those are Seth’s crocs.

My phone case was clear so I added a piece of pink scrapbook paper to beautify it.

Even though it has a major flaw (loss of handle) I still love my seamist mug. In fact, way back when it still had it’s handle, it was featured in a blog post. search “seamist mug” it should come up.

Daffy in apricot, apple-scented geranium, and a sink full of dishes.

I went for a ramble in the woods yesterday and came home with these things. A twiggy nest, a round hallow ball fallen from a tree (see gall-dwellers) , lichen (such a beautiful light green almost like my mug) and a sheet of white birch (I put my houseplants on them to protect the table).

And, yes, we made the cake. Two just like this one, from the recipe which Sarah picked out from the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook with the red plaid cover. Strawberry shortcake, all homemade, using real butter split, filled, and topped with freshly whipped cream, and sweetened sliced strawberries.

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

not anxious, but tired

Posted on April 5, 2020 by Shanda

It’s 8pm on a Sunday evening. I am in my room with the door shut but I can hear the children loud and clear. Sarah is playing with the dog, I can hear her talking to him and laughing. I hear a ball bouncing hard on the floor, and the voices of the children talking. I’m smiling, but I’m tired. A lot of their sentences start with “I remember one time……..”

Today started out slowly, I slept in and Rich brought me coffee and opened the curtains to the bedroom. I sat up and sipped my coffee and read my book. He sat in the recliner with his, and when Brittnee also got her cup, she sat on the bed next to me on her phone. I was determined to finish my book before the sermon, and I did.

Our pastor preached an appropriate Palm Sunday sermon but made us laugh when he, for one thing, kept saying the word “ass” (Jesus rode into Jerusalem on the foal of a wild ass). And, for another thing, he kept mispronouncing “foal” as FOWL. (Jesus rode into Jerusalem on the FOWL of a wild ass). Gary is happy-go-lucky, in his mid 60’s, very personable, so we felt perfectly free to be amused at God’s messenger. We know he wouldn’t mind.

Sarah and I recently met this mouse under the bird feeder. He was stumbling around with his eyes shut searching for seed. I carefully tossed some under his nose and he immediately worked on nibbling it down. Something was obviously wrong with him, I asked and asked but he never replied. Sarah said, “I want to keep it.” She even told me what she would name it (I have since forgotten). I thought about it as we watched the poor thing but then I told her, “Um, I don’t think so, it seems like maybe it’s sick and we probably shouldn’t touch it.” We observed it until it scurried away.

It was Brittnee’s idea to make stuffed shells for Rich’s birthday (March 31). Without realizing that several of the boys would turn their noses up at them, we made all of what you see here. We ended up eating one pan, freezing one pan and are still eating the third pan.

I put David in charge of washing my biggest pot (which we used to boil the shells) and then was so surprised to walk in my bathroom a little while later, to find him IN MY TUB washing it out. It felt weird to me but as I stood and watched I realized that, after all, he was using the same water that comes out of the kitchen sink, and the same soap, so it was quite a genius move.

I’ve been drawing things. This was a dog that I found a picture of online and I looked at it and copied it on paper with pencil, then traced it in black marker, then colored it with Jacob’s art markers. I have also drawn my first doll, (literally the doll of my youth that I have kept all these years) and my childhood teddy bear. If you want to see, they are on instagram. This dog one wasn’t ever posted on there. I wonder what I shall attempt next?

This was the end of the day of Rich’s 46th birthday. The girls and I made a bowl of non-bake-cheesecake-ish stuff and we scooped it out into waffle bowls and served it with cherry pie filling. Some of the kids put Hershey’s syrup on theirs. It was good but Brittnee was right, we should have made it earlier in the day so it was cold. The leftovers have been enjoyed by me on a daily basis (again, we made too much).

Mr Seth enjoying a show on TV with Samantha cat.

our pretty pretty pond

Well and then I saw this bird dazed and half dead on the ground and Seth said, “Yeah, mom, Sherlock caught a Hummingbird!” I looked around for the hummingbird but then realized he meant this bird, because of it’s long beak????? I mean it’s about 50 times larger than one, and I’ve never seen a brown hummingbird, but okay maybe I can see a slight resemblance?

We found out later it was a Woodcock. Such an interesting bird that eats earthworms. Look it up online and watch it’s fascinating walk as it’s searching for worms.

This one must have been caught by the cat, but I saw no cat by it and I picked it up feeling quite distressed and grieved that my cats would harm such a bird. I didn’t know what to do. It revived a little in my hands and I ended up washing it’s beak and eyes (which were stuck shut with feather-fluff) with pond water and putting it on the edge of the property in the bushes by the pond.

(before the wash)

After the wash (see it’s beautiful black shiny eye?). Oh it was hard to leave it outside in the cold breeze but the next day when we checked on it again, it had vanished. So I hope it goes on to live a long life.

Last but not least, this is what I woke up to one morning. The kitchen and I spend a lot of time together, but the kids also help and with all 10 of us working it can get done in no time.

Grace made dear little mini lemon cupcakes this evening.

I am praying and thinking of all my blog friends.

You are loved.

photo from Jekyll

Posted on April 2, 2020 by Shanda

I thought I would pop in and share a photo from Jekyll. Rich and I went about a month ago and I was able to perch in this tree branch.

I hope and pray everyone who reads this is doing well. Please tell me any stories you might want to share about things lately, it’s such a strange time, isn’t it?

first violet

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Shanda

I’ve gone on frequent walks in the woods lately, both with the family and by my lonesome. When I am by myself, I find myself settling into the same spot by the stream deep in the woods, and leaning against a certain convenient tree. As I walk, I notice the green and various textured moss, fallen trees, rocks, pinecones, puddles and mud, dead leaves, birds, the blue of the sky, and the brown and gray of almost everything else. I drink from the stream, I get caught on briars, I fill my pockets with little nature finds, I breathe deeply, I smell the air.

There are ten of us here at home, with school and college and work all being accomplished from various places around the house. Jacob shed tears when he finally realized that college life for him and his brother Ethan was completely over, as Seniors, this shortened year means a closure of a different sort and adjusting in the arms of family. David kissed his track season goodbye, and there is no Little League for Seth this season, either.

I am very content. I’m spending my free time just the way I always have, but with less running around for the children’s extra activities. I don’t miss attending sports practices or games, at all. Not one bit. I find the children, and Rich and I, doing things that we wouldn’t have made time for if we weren’t spending so much time at home; catching up on mail, making things, more reading, more quiet time, more cooking and baking, more play.

I haven’t been to the grocery store at all. Brittnee and Grace still work there and most of the time, if we need something, they can easily bring it home for me. Rich and Jacob have also gone for bigger trips. We are eating a lot of food and cleaning up the kitchen multiple times a day. Today marks the first day of my husband alarmingly remarking on the money we are spending on food for all of us.

I have gone to Target twice. The first time to get a prescription filled, and the second time to return a couple of items, not knowing that the store would not be accepting returns any longer until April 27th.

I saw a bald eagle yesterday in the top of a tree. Imagine my laugh of joy. And my sorrow in not having my camera with me.

And I saw the first violet in bloom, yesterday. I post the first one here, every year, for all my February friends, especially you, Thia.

you are loved.

(absurd times call for absurd amounts of love)

great is Thy faithfulness

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Shanda

The boys were getting ready to go back to college after Christmas break when Jacob asked to speak to me and his Dad in our bedroom. He wanted us to know that he would be proposing to Brittnee. We had seen this coming, and gave him our blessing but didn’t know when or where or how and we both assumed this was a plan for the distant future, as Brittnee has another year of college and Jacob has to graduate (this spring) and get some things settled before starting a family.

Soon, it was the last week of February and they were back at home for a week-long break. We spent our days going to the mall, going out for breakfast at Millpond, and spending time together. It felt good to be cooking for a big family again and watching the kids do things like make pancakes and goof around. Everyone was busy with the last week of wrestling season and the boys helped their Dad with practice every day. Jacob and his Dad wrestled together and Rich nearly got a black eye. Jacob would tell me at home, “I don’t want to wrestle, my back hurts, my hip hurts, I’m RETIRED.” but then, once he was in the room, he just couldn’t resist having fun with his Dad on the mat. I know Rich loved every moment.

On Friday there was a major wrestling meet starting. Rich and Ethan took the team to New Haven, but Jacob had already made plans to visit the girls in Pennsylvania. I wasn’t feeling well, so I was able to stay here at home with Sarah Joy. The two of us enjoyed the quiet, and also went out shopping together (Ulta beauty, and Barnes and Noble). Sarah picked out a magic wand and a book of spells at the bookstore. I’m hoping she learns to turn things into cats for me.

Jacob left on Saturday morning looking handsome and happy, with a hug for his mom.

I had no idea he was going to propose to Brittnee.

At 3:59pm I received a photo from Jacob on my phone of a hand with a ring on the ring finger. I think I either didn’t see it or didn’t fathom it and so I didn’t reply until he also wrote, “Mom?” Then, I looked closer. I thought to myself, “Are they ring shopping? Do they want my opinion about the ring? Is this even Brittnee’s hand?” I had two more questions so all I wrote back was : (here is our entire text chat)

“? ? ? ? ?”

“Did you get my picture?”

“Yes, but I don’t understand.”

“I proposed!!!”

“Today???”

“YES!! Joanna is meeting us in ten minutes to take pictures”

“That’s so exciting!!”

“Yes, she cried. It was very emotional.”

(half an hour later, after I processed things and thanked God over and over, I wrote:)

“The ring is perfect, and I am so deeply happy that she will be my daughter. I felt was soon as I met her that she was someone special. I wanted to get to know her even before you fell in love, I was drawn to her in all Grace’s plays and concerts. And I say congratulations from the depths of my heart. I love you both so much and will always support you.”

“Thank you so much, Mom. I’m so glad that she has such an awesome connection with the whole family.”

“This is exciting and wonderful news!”

*************

And that was that. Soon I was getting quick phone photos from my talented soul-full photographer-best friend, (who watched our little Jacob grow up in all my many many photos, letters, phone calls, and visits), was taking celebratory photos of my first born and his brand-new fiancé! I’ll share them as soon as I can.

So many delightful surprises all along this life-journey from my Father-God.

*****

Seth was thinking about it on Monday morning as he got ready for school and said, “Even when he’s married, he will still be my brother.”

“Yes, Seth, you will always be brothers, nothing can change that.”

“And when I’m seventeen, I will drive to their house and visit them.”

“Yes, you will.”

“And soon, you’ll be a Grandma.”

Oh, gosh. He just had to throw that in. (not that I will mind, you all know I’ll be a wonderful Granny, I just don’t want to get excited so soon!!!). Oh gosh, did I just say Granny?………..they will (I admit) have the cutest baby in all the world, when the time comes. You know, far far off in the future…….let’s get them married and situated first, right? Thank you, Jesus.

“Blessings, all mine, with ten thousand beside.”

what the boys have been up to

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Shanda

I finished my puzzle today and there was one piece missing. Ethan noticed right away “I had OCD so bad I almost got on the floor and looked for it.”

“You should have! I would have been so happy!”, I said.

*****

What the boys have been up to:

Well, Jacob went and got engaged yesterday. More on that tomorrow (maybe). He spent the weekend visiting Brittnee and Grace. He was able to eat lunch with my brother and his fiancé, too.

Ethan has been helping his Dad coach wrestling. States were this weekend and his Dad came home and said, “I couldn’t have done it without Ethan. He’s very good, I just need to get him to talk louder so we can hear him.”

David is still getting over the Worse Cold Ever. He can’t hear very well and has a cough. He went to States and lost two matches and was out. He is now done for the year and I dare say he’s relieved about it. He did so well, and it was a shame he ended on such a low note. In private messages, he admitted “I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over.” Wrestling is brutal, and when you’re sick it’s really a test of character (which he passes every time). I was downstairs doing laundry earlier when I heard him call out, “I know you’re around here somewhere!” And when I yelled from the basement “Who are you looking for?”, he came to the top of the stairs and said, “Oh, there you are. Do you know what time it is?”

“Um. 8? 7:30?”

“Nope, it’s beard growing time.”

He found the right combination of vitamins to take to encourage hair growth. He’s done this before. He gets very involved in it, and I asked him to take daily notes on his progress this time. “Don’t do it on your phone though, because then I won’t have the joy of coming across it in the years to come.”

“You want me to write in my special spiral notebook?”

“YES”.

(The last time he “grew a beard” he even bought himself Rogaine)

Caleb has been busy with wrestling, too, but he didn’t make states. He went to them anyway, to help his partner, Sabrina. Today he was home and was able to rest. He even tested me to see if I would let him skip school tomorrow to rest some more. (no). Consequently, he stayed in the basement almost all day playing video games. He came up to eat now and then and every time he did, he would walk with his feet in loud rhythm on the wooden floor. He’s always drumming. My heart smiles.

Seth wrestled in states today and came in 7th out of 14th. He wasn’t very thrilled with the outcome but the 2 matches he won looked really really good. He fell asleep on the way home and is pretty low-key tonight which is AWESOME. Because of Jacob’s art influence, he is currently in the living room watching Jazza Youtube videos.

Let me take a picture of you before you go.

These are my sons; Caleb James, Ethan Gregory, Seth William, David Lloyd, and Jacob Richard

To see them all together like this makes me kinda awed. So many boys. Each one the dearest and the best.

We were watching TV.

He got closer and closer and then took my arm and held it.

PS, our kitchen toilet won’t flush down anything but fluid so only the boys can use it.

And that’s what the boys have been up to.

a day

Posted on February 27, 2020 by Shanda

Good evening! I’m sitting here in my 8:39pm wide-awake house, with Ethan nearby playing a video game with headphones on and much talking because he is playing Jacob (in the living room) and Dave (downstairs). Yes, three brothers in the same house on three different playstation. My heart is happy. Soon Rich will be home with two more brothers and ice cream. I just got done braiding Sarah’s long wet hair (she is getting ready for bed).

I haven’t blogged at this time of night in YEARS. I was putting together a puzzle and then all of a sudden had the thought, “I want to blog”, and since I’ve been so blank lately, I had to jump on the chance to write.

Just some photos and thoughts from the day.

First of all, Connie (my dear friend), I await your texts. It was a bright spot in my day to get your email. You are such a fantastic pen pal and I am so glad we are friends.

David, you helped me so much today. You’ll never know. I’m so thankful for a brother like you.

Joanna, my dearest friend. Your texts brightened my day so much. I loved the song you shared with me (“Stay Alive” by Jose Gonzalez)

God is so good. I was all in an uproar this morning and wrote out a long wordy blog post but I didn’t publish it. It served it’s purpose (I got stuff out of my system) and I praise the Lord I didn’t publish…..I have had such intense emotions lately but what a difference just a few HOURS can make. (((Never give up expecting brighter days.))) My brother texted me at just the right time and encouraged me to YES go to the doctors (I had an appointment scheduled for my annual exam and was tempted to not go). But I did, and it went so well. My doctor took the time to talk to me for a while and really did a great job at doctoring my body AND my spirit.

Yes, a change can happen in just a matter of hours.

I’m not naive, I know I have a road still to travel, but today was just encouraging to me for so many reasons.

Okay, I said photos, and here they are:

This is me at the Target, after crying my eyes out at the doctors, you see a smile on my face. I am always a lot more ready and willing to smile than to cry. Sheesh.

I’m re-using photos I already sent to Joanna.

I sent this one to her to ask what she thought. She said “on what”? and I said “on a 44 year old” and she said “they were made for us. try them on”

After trying them on and sitting cross-legged on the floor (it’s important), I realized that they fit perfectly. I bought them and the T-shirt.

While at Target, I sent out a message to our family group chat which contains these people: Rich, Jacob, Ethan, Grace, and David. I told them (all are at home this week but Grace) I was at Target and to let me know if they needed anything. Jacob wanted snacks to take back to college this weekend, Rich wanted “good coffee and half and half” and David simply sent me an image of lots and lots of boxes of Eggo waffles. So I sent him back this:

To which he replied “buy them all”…….

When I got home I got the mail and there was an amazon package and upon feeling it I could tell it was a book. I opened it thinking excitedly “Oh I ordered a book and forgot about it”. But no, it was this book that Rich had ordered because he was reading his own copy and lost it. “I think I left it at a wrestling tournament”. Anyway, it’s a book he is really enjoying. Maybe I’ll read it next. 🙂

I went for a walk and my hands froze. However, I was glad to be in the sun and wind.

I made a three box spaghetti dinner. If you turn your head sideways to the right you can see the picture better.

real life

This is the puzzle I have been working on. It’s 1,000 pieces and I bought it at Barnes and Noble. All the rest of the pieces are wood. (!!!!) so it’s going to slow me down now.

Also, Sarah Joy came home full of information about Polar Bears because…..did you know…today is National Polar Bear Day. She and her class joined a live youtube video to watch zookeepers at the Toronto Zoo take care of their polar bears so we found it together and watched it again. She even got to make a paper Polar Bear hat, which her brother left on the bus.

Later on, when I took Seth to practice, I had to go to the hardware store to buy a toilet plunger because our kitchen bathroom toilet is clogged (sigh). I was at the cash register when I found the perfect little gift to give to my girlie.

Happy Thursday, friends! I’ll have more to share tomorrow (hopefully).

You are loved.

shan and jo

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Shanda

Because we are basically the same person at this point.

On my knees thankful for my Joanna-friend.

“Once upon a Time”……but you all know the story at this point, I think.

We met at college just a few (over 20) years ago now. And have been comfortable friends ever since.

best friends in every sense of the word.

quick trip to castleton

Posted on February 20, 2020 by Shanda

Our two older sons are about to graduate from college in just a few short months. Jacob and Ethan are 14 months apart but have ended up in the same graduating class, this has been a huge blessing and they love being able to do college together. They even dorm together. Is there anything closer than a brother?

Their very last home meet for wrestling was last Friday so Rich and I, along with Seth, drove up to make the memory with them. We are so proud of our boys. I’m trying to keep my writing shallow because my heart aches with it all……..growing, changing, time passing.

Here are photos from that evening with them;

Our oldest son is 23 and this, our youngest one, is 11. I look at this face and melt. 🙂

He has to have a connection with his Mama at all times.

He even stole my hat.

And got foot rubs. What a boy.

This book is so good!! I am enjoying every page. (birthday gift from my brother David).

Rich has been very busy with life lately; all his responsibilities each day make for an exhausted man…..but still sacrifices more and more time and energy for his family. He is so proud of his boys and grateful to get them through college and watch them grow. Thank you, Rich, for providing abundantly for your family. And, for staying awake at the wheel on this adventure. (I offered to drive frequently but he always said he was fine.)