Good evening! I’m sitting here in my 8:39pm wide-awake house, with Ethan nearby playing a video game with headphones on and much talking because he is playing Jacob (in the living room) and Dave (downstairs). Yes, three brothers in the same house on three different playstation. My heart is happy. Soon Rich will be home with two more brothers and ice cream. I just got done braiding Sarah’s long wet hair (she is getting ready for bed).

I haven’t blogged at this time of night in YEARS. I was putting together a puzzle and then all of a sudden had the thought, “I want to blog”, and since I’ve been so blank lately, I had to jump on the chance to write.

Just some photos and thoughts from the day.

First of all, Connie (my dear friend), I await your texts. It was a bright spot in my day to get your email. You are such a fantastic pen pal and I am so glad we are friends.

David, you helped me so much today. You’ll never know. I’m so thankful for a brother like you.

Joanna, my dearest friend. Your texts brightened my day so much. I loved the song you shared with me (“Stay Alive” by Jose Gonzalez)

God is so good. I was all in an uproar this morning and wrote out a long wordy blog post but I didn’t publish it. It served it’s purpose (I got stuff out of my system) and I praise the Lord I didn’t publish…..I have had such intense emotions lately but what a difference just a few HOURS can make. (((Never give up expecting brighter days.))) My brother texted me at just the right time and encouraged me to YES go to the doctors (I had an appointment scheduled for my annual exam and was tempted to not go). But I did, and it went so well. My doctor took the time to talk to me for a while and really did a great job at doctoring my body AND my spirit.

Yes, a change can happen in just a matter of hours.

I’m not naive, I know I have a road still to travel, but today was just encouraging to me for so many reasons.

Okay, I said photos, and here they are:

This is me at the Target, after crying my eyes out at the doctors, you see a smile on my face. I am always a lot more ready and willing to smile than to cry. Sheesh.

I’m re-using photos I already sent to Joanna.

I sent this one to her to ask what she thought. She said “on what”? and I said “on a 44 year old” and she said “they were made for us. try them on”

After trying them on and sitting cross-legged on the floor (it’s important), I realized that they fit perfectly. I bought them and the T-shirt.

While at Target, I sent out a message to our family group chat which contains these people: Rich, Jacob, Ethan, Grace, and David. I told them (all are at home this week but Grace) I was at Target and to let me know if they needed anything. Jacob wanted snacks to take back to college this weekend, Rich wanted “good coffee and half and half” and David simply sent me an image of lots and lots of boxes of Eggo waffles. So I sent him back this:

To which he replied “buy them all”…….

When I got home I got the mail and there was an amazon package and upon feeling it I could tell it was a book. I opened it thinking excitedly “Oh I ordered a book and forgot about it”. But no, it was this book that Rich had ordered because he was reading his own copy and lost it. “I think I left it at a wrestling tournament”. Anyway, it’s a book he is really enjoying. Maybe I’ll read it next. 🙂

I went for a walk and my hands froze. However, I was glad to be in the sun and wind.

I made a three box spaghetti dinner. If you turn your head sideways to the right you can see the picture better.

real life

This is the puzzle I have been working on. It’s 1,000 pieces and I bought it at Barnes and Noble. All the rest of the pieces are wood. (!!!!) so it’s going to slow me down now.

Also, Sarah Joy came home full of information about Polar Bears because…..did you know…today is National Polar Bear Day. She and her class joined a live youtube video to watch zookeepers at the Toronto Zoo take care of their polar bears so we found it together and watched it again. She even got to make a paper Polar Bear hat, which her brother left on the bus.

Later on, when I took Seth to practice, I had to go to the hardware store to buy a toilet plunger because our kitchen bathroom toilet is clogged (sigh). I was at the cash register when I found the perfect little gift to give to my girlie.

Happy Thursday, friends! I’ll have more to share tomorrow (hopefully).

You are loved.

Because we are basically the same person at this point.

On my knees thankful for my Joanna-friend.

“Once upon a Time”……but you all know the story at this point, I think.

We met at college just a few (over 20) years ago now. And have been comfortable friends ever since.

best friends in every sense of the word.

Our two older sons are about to graduate from college in just a few short months. Jacob and Ethan are 14 months apart but have ended up in the same graduating class, this has been a huge blessing and they love being able to do college together. They even dorm together. Is there anything closer than a brother?

Their very last home meet for wrestling was last Friday so Rich and I, along with Seth, drove up to make the memory with them. We are so proud of our boys. I’m trying to keep my writing shallow because my heart aches with it all……..growing, changing, time passing.

Here are photos from that evening with them;

Our oldest son is 23 and this, our youngest one, is 11. I look at this face and melt. 🙂

He has to have a connection with his Mama at all times.

He even stole my hat.

And got foot rubs. What a boy.

This book is so good!! I am enjoying every page. (birthday gift from my brother David).

Rich has been very busy with life lately; all his responsibilities each day make for an exhausted man…..but still sacrifices more and more time and energy for his family. He is so proud of his boys and grateful to get them through college and watch them grow. Thank you, Rich, for providing abundantly for your family. And, for staying awake at the wheel on this adventure. (I offered to drive frequently but he always said he was fine.)

It was a very cold night outside, but warm in the gym, and we soon were together again!

And to think there were four other children missing! My heart is full. And thankful.

with my Ethan Gregory

And my Jacob Richard

They were given these as gifts from the team.

I was given roses.

The seniors with the coaches.

It was a wonderful night.

We love you, boys.

no words, just a moment to remember from this week

I love pansies.

hello beautiful.

the look, the feel, the weight, the papers, the colors, the theme, the details, the potential

my name, as written by a friend who loves me

pages and pages, and more pages

a journal, made especially for me, and a letter from a most wonderful friend

Thank you dear Kara,

You blew me away with your gift. I soaked in every detail and I can’t wait to get started using it. I hardly know where to begin. I hope that someday we can sit side by side and look at it, after I’ve filled it up with my (hen) scratchings.

Speaking of which, the hen page made me unexpectedly laugh!

You are a true gem.

My family has been busy with wrestling season. David and Caleb are both wrestling on the High School team, with my husband as the head Coach. Each Saturday is spent at various gyms across Connecticut for their tournaments, and each Sunday is spent with Seth at a youth tournament.

In wrestling there is a lot of waiting, and I have been carrying around books to pass the time. I found and bought The Body, A Guide for Occupants, by Bill Bryson at the book store about a month ago and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The chapters include; “How to Build a Human”, “The Outside: Skin and Hair”, “Microbial You”, “The Brain”, “The Head”, “Down the Hatch: The Mouth and Throat”, “The Heart and Blood”, and so on.

UTTERLY FASCINATING, although not written in a spiritual perspective, I still found myself constantly praising God, often with tears in my eyes. The most thrilling for me was the continual phrase, “no one knows why, but……..”

Indeed, with all that has been discovered about the human body, there is still SO MUCH MYSTERY.

Only God alone could fashion and create something so complex that we can never understand it. I believe that even if extensive research and study continues on for another 2,000 years, Doctors and Scientists will still be baffled by one thing or another.

It’s humorous, too, to think that throughout time we have made our “discoveries”, only to find some years later that The Important Discovery ……. was…… wrong!

Ah, humility. It feels so good.

Less of me, more of Thee, dear Jesus.

But that’s not what I’m here to tell you!

I read and I read all about The Body, pages and pages worth. And one day I found myself……. (not because of the book but because of life in general)………… I found myself in tears and feeling quite “less than”. My warped little mind was telling me cruel things; “The only job you had with an actual paycheck was as a teen, picking berries. You have little value in the grand scheme of things. You’re tired. You’re done and you really don’t matter much.”

I wasn’t seeing rewards of my labors, alas, the laundry is never done, the house is never clean and any accomplishment within the home is short-lived (and only as long as the time between meals). I provide endless service with no tangible reward.

PISH POSH

While WORK, good honest WORK, has many rewards, what came to mind later on that day through the encouragement of a friend, was a reminder of who God made me to be, which is to say, not so much a worker out there in the world (NOT A BAD THING AT ALL) but chiefly, a lover, an encourager, a relationship-maker.

I’m not bragging or perfect at it. I’m a mess, really.

But isn’t that part of relationships? Sharing the mess?

I matter.

You matter.

In the last week, I have had numerous loved ones reach out to me for no reason at all but to encourage me and say hello. To touch, make a connection, remind me that I am someone special.

AND IT FELT SO GOOD, better than the 100 dollars I had in my purse recently and briefly (for wrestling concessions).

I opened a package yesterday and after looking at it and reading the letter I just sat in my chair lost in the gift of it all. “What’s wrong?” my husband asked. “I don’t know, I guess I just feel so humbled.” tears.

A letter on Facebook, texts, letter in the mail, packages in the mail, each totally unexpected!

To me, these things matter more than anything.

On Saturday, sitting in the middle of a noisy, smelly gym, I read the end of my Body book. The chapter was literally titled, “The End”. With my chin in my hand, I read about aging and how “no one knows” how to slow it down, “no one knows” the exact combination of exercise, nutrition, or lifestyle to reach the highest number of years possible before finally dying. I read about cells and the idea “that some cells possess some form of memory and can count down toward their own extermination……..”

and;

“…… a team of researchers at the University of California at San Francisco discovered that stretches of specialized DNA at the end of each chromosome called TELOMERES fulfill the role of tallying device. With each cell division, telomeres shorten until eventually they reach a predetermined length and the cell dies or becomes inactive. It was hailed as the secret of aging. Arrest the shortening of telomeres and you could stop cell aging in it’s tracks.” pg 371

(everyone got all excited until the reality settled in that there is a lot more to aging than telomere shortening, which is “only a small part of the process”.)

BUT LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!!

Three pages later, I read:

“Some people live longer than they ought to by any known measures. For example, Costa Ricans have only about one-fifth the personal wealth of Americans, and have poorer health care, but live longer. Moreover, people in one of the poorest regions of Costa Rica, the Nicoya Peninsula, live longest of all, even though they have much higher rates of obesity and hypertension. They also have longer telomeres. The theory is that they benefit from closer social bonds and family relationships. Curiously, it was found that if they live alone or don’t see a child at least once a week, the telomere length advantage vanishes. It is an extraordinary fact that having good and loving relationships physically alters your DNA. Conversely, a 2010 U.S. study found, not having such relationships doubles your risk of dying from any cause.” pg 377

(read that 10 more times)

My mind was blown, and yet, it all made perfect sense.

What is God all about? relationships
Why is sin so terrible? it ruins relationships
What makes life worth living? relationships

‘HEY, HELLO IN THERE!!!! HEY! WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT? WHATCHA GOT HERE THAT’S WORTH LIVING FOR? …………TRUE………….. LOVE………………’

(name that movie?)

On Sunday, my husband taught Sunday School. He did a wonderful job, he was bright and knowledgable and important and I was proud of him. But when the class was over, I was brought to my knees (figuratively) by someone approaching me. I was fully expecting the ever-typical “Tell your husband I loved his lesson” comment (which I am happy to hear!) but she didn’t say that. What she said was this: “Shanda, during the class I couldn’t stop looking over at you and your son. He was so sweet snuggling up next to you, it was so precious and I just had to tell you.”

What she saw was a relationship. Between a mother and a son. Eleven years (it was his birthday) of bonding. I’ve cared for this child, body, mind, and soul. I’ve poured endless love into his little life. I’ve hugged, consoled, snuggled, tucked into bed, wiped noses, nursed, calmed, soothed, understood, and provided DEVOTEDLY to him (and his six siblings) and the rewards, ah the rewards, are NOT monetary, and more priceless than gold. My reward in loving him has been in the way he has responded to my love. He wants me, he comes to me for warmth, and on his birthday he didn’t want to go to his class because he wanted to stay with his mama.

The biggest hurts in my life have been trying and trying to love people who just cannot seem to respond.

I know you understand. This is universal. This is real, this is important and we’ve all been there, experiencing the highs and lows of loving people. We’ve all made mistakes with our loved ones, but in that way we have experienced grace upon grace.

We’ve all been hurt by people, but in that way we have experienced the DISPENSING of GRACE. And, in my opinion, although it hurts like heck, giving grace is better than cutting ties.

Just think of all the times we’ve failed God, and yet He never leaves us or forsakes us.

He is my example.

If I was asked “Why do you love me so much when you know I could break your heart?”

I would say, “Because that is how Christ loves me.”

Is this all wrapped up neatly and finished with a bow? No. My words are inadequate, my life is messy, I can’t see things clearly, and yet………

…….these are my thoughts, my pondering, and I give them to you.

I love you, friends. Thank you for being here and being interested enough to read my ramblings, taking what is worth taking, and “with a breath of kindness, blowing the rest away”.

“We don’t see yet things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” I Corinthians 13