Indeed, she is much more than a mama. Are their words to describe the vastness of a woman? All she is and does, so quietly, loudly, energetically, gently, mindfully, and naturally? So natural that only God notices? And notice He does. Smiles down. Lifting her up higher. All is grace. All is good which comes from above and how can we say thank you enough?
Thank you for Brittnee.
Thank you for the way she loves.
Thank you for the wife she is to our firstborn.
Thank you for the ways she cares for her daughter, our first little grand-baby.
Thank you for her smiles and joy and wit.
For her honesty.
For her work.
Why are birthdays so grand? Because they celebrate life, one of God’s greatest gifts.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” says Jesus, in John 10:10
A rich and satisfying life that started years ago on this day for my precious daughter in law.
Happy Birthday Brittnee!
She came inside yesterday evening after a long day at work and swooped her sweet girl up with love and kisses. I snapped a quick picture because I’ve loved watching her become (so much more than) a good mama over the last year.
The astute observer will notice a second little babe growing …. won’t Lucy have the surprise of her life come February, when a new sister appears?
Destination- a little therapy room, often smelling thickly of the prior client’s cannabis, fifty minutes away, to be arrived at by speeding along highways and byways. -a little therapy room that would hold the wonders of the world, and magic, and solace, and finally….someone who would completely stand by my side to validate and strengthen me.
How did God get me to that little room, you wonder? Gather around and lend me your ears, or rather, eyes , to read this account, all true.
We begin this journey many years ago, when I was still very naive, and homeschooling a large number of young children who all belonged to me. It was a very snowy February day and I had just gone out on the porch to take clothes off the line when a van came around the icy corner, slid quietly off the road and turned upside down into the steam at the end of our property. The children and I rushed to rescue, and I met a beautiful young mom and her three children- two preschoolers and a baby wet from the waters of the ice cold stream. The young mom and I formed a lifelong connection that day.
Years pass.
**********
I had been scammed on the interNET. (Funny, I would later describe the feeling —-like I was caught in a NET underwater drowning but never actually drowning, to my therapist, regarding this time). I had met in the net, a kind and most attentive member of my family tree. He had seen me appear in his family matches on ancestry DNA. Little by little, I become friends with him, he was a cousin, and an older person to look up to and chat with. Unfortunately he was person who eventually tore my entire NAIVE heart to pieces as I slowly came to realize he was in fact a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’m not making this up and neither is Grimm’s fairy tales. The wolf exists!!In fact, it’s worse worse worse than I can even explain! This experience is why I am now forever kindred spirits with Jemima Puddle Duck. I guess she is (WAS) my “spirit animal.” Also, in her case it was a Fox. Sometimes they are also spiders or snakes. On the outside though they look like regular old nice people/sheep.
Anyway, I had to block this person from all my online accounts.
Months pass.
***********
For a time, I was understandably hyper vigilant about social media and I came to notice a new name pop up on my instagram—- an account which kept visiting my stories. I could see that they were looking at everything I posted. I got upset and confronted this person, certain it was the abuser from my past using an alias.
Days pass.
**********
I finally got the truth out of that person and was totally shocked to discover it was someone the young mom from the stream knew. So I reached out to her for clarification. In this way, she found out about my very personal and private battle with a toxic family member. In turn, I also discovered that she was recovering from abuse, too. Sadly, most of us are. Anyway, we decided to get together for a visit. During that visit, she gave me the name of her therapist and told me to call her. I was very hesitant about therapy because I had tried it before and it was not helpful and in fact made me feel worse. But I took another leap of faith. (It was my one millionth leap of faith). I reluctantly and unenergetically leaped myself into contact with the therapist. It was scary. I had no hope. Not even a shred. I was just doing what my friend gently suggested.
I’ll never forget where I was when I had my first phone consultation with her (my friend’s therapist). It was springtime and I was standing in the green grass down by the chicken coop wandering around sobbing through her questions and trying to articulate the best I could through the hot heart aching pain of uttering words and communicating and indescribable almost impossible to bear/bare story. My naked soul. As vulnerable as nakedness typically is for us non-nudists.
********
(((As an aside, I am a highly sensitive person.)) what’s that, you ask?
interesting, right?
***********
Phone consultation, con’t……
The interview of sorts came to a conclusion. I waited for what she would tell me to do next. And then…..I was crushed and stunned when I heard the words, “I can’t help you.”
Now, mind you, she didn’t mean those words THAT WAY. She DID briskly continue on to clarify, “……you have serious emotional trauma and I am not qualified enough for what you need but I will send you names of people trained to handle trauma.”
(This was the first time someone told me I had trauma and it was VERY validating, up to this point I blamed myself for everything and all the emotions, I was deeply planted in my belief that something was wrong with me.)
I got off the phone in shock, no longer crying but shocked into that almost blissful state of numbness. I did promptly receive the Email of Names but a numb person with the words “she can’t help me” on repeat is working at a disadvantage. It took more time to pass to get to the point where I could make my ……
……..One Millionth and One-more- leap- of faith.
One more email, one more phone call, a scheduled first appointment, a 50 minute trip down the highway, and a journey that I came to enjoy on a weekly basis. Eventually the drive would come to include a ritual stop along the way for the hands-down best cup of matcha I have been able to find in these parts.
********
There so much more I could say, but that, my darling, is how I was led by God to the healing place, to Emilie and her little magic room. I looked and she was holding the keys to my heart.
********
Remember,
“You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus.”
“The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you could tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.”
“God knows how to rescue the godly from evil trials.”
“With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day.”
*****
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A beautiful day. Just came back from a wander in the woods. And a first; I found myself reaching down to handle the moist cool earth, and underneath a log I found an empty snail shell. No sign of it’s inhabitant, so I brought it home in my pocket. There is dirt imbedded in my hands, and to my ears the birds sound beautifully quite full of new song. My steps crackled and crunched over leaves and twigs in the woods. When I came to a fallen tree I walked the length of it to try my balance. I heard spring peepers and saw a pair of mallard ducks, swimming gently down the stream (merrily merrily). I found an old nest! It was easy to get to. I carefully broke it away with its supporting branches and carried it home.
It’s a time of quiet and pensiveness for me—mother-me. The mother who is watching the birds and flowers bloom, gathering old nests and listening to songs, is the mother who is also preparing to very soon watch her son marry his darling, and another son chose a college and finish his senior year.
When the heart is full, it must overflow. Tears come as I think about the passing years. Wondering how I could have let them go without doing more, being more, loving more. I wanted to. And yet a mother is also a woman of her own, and during all those years I was also growing. Becoming more, (rather than DOING MORE) in other areas of life outside of motherhood. I can’t be disappointed about giving the children less than all of me, because then I wouldn’t be myself. They are secure in my love, and the love of their father and siblings. Together we grow in love and grace each day. and yet, I wish almost greedily, for more ordinary days of simply me, and them, together.
Caleb has not made the decision for school lightly, he gave it a great deal of thought and preparation. And now he is all set to attend Liberty University in the fall, a college about nine hours from home. Caleb, one of the “younger ones”. My sweet boy. I would rather not. And yet, the way it all worked out was “a shower of blessing” from above. Each thing that fell into place, each unexpected gift (such as a local life-long classmate of his as a roommate) (such as my best friends daughter also going) (such as him running into a camp friend), gave us such full hearts we couldn’t help but praise God and thank Him.
So it was, while Rich was with Caleb in Virginia, and I was at home with the others, that my mom texted with me with her own wise mother-words:
You will be a better Shanda as all these changes happen. I think I’m a better person now, more like Cindy should be. Not someone else’s person.
The truth of it all went straight to my heart and I knew she was right. And, like I’ve thought so many times before, if life is like a roller coaster I want to be the woman who throws up her hands and enjoys the thrill of the ride, (with some screaming now and then) rather than the one holding back in resistance.
Moss is the most vibrant green of New England in early April. A shell from the forest, not the sea.Found underneath a half-decomposed log in the middle of nowhere. I’m beginning to think that there IS no nowhere.Mr & Mrs Mallard The nest is now part of a house plant.
I wanted to get right out in it this morning before it started melting.
And I’m thinking about the heart. As beautiful as nature is I want my heart to be. The outward beauty of a person is only skin deep. But a beautiful heart is where life starts. Real life. A nourishing and peaceful life worth feasting on.
The beauty industry makes billions off of us. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that. I love new make up and nice shampoos and soaps and perfumes. These things have some value and help us take care of our bodies.
I would love to care for my heart’s beauty with as much attention to detail as I do my body and hair and skin. It’s a way of thinking that’s almost difficult because of the society we live in, but it’s not impossible. I have many friends who are down to earth, and lovely, and real. People who love me enough to tell me I’m wrong, people who protect what is good. People that make me feel safe enough to be authentic, too.
“God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”
If I truly believe this, won’t I do what I can to guard my heart? To a certain extent, I naturally do things (like music and books and art) that nurture my heart, but I am also to guard it.
Years ago, I got to know someone who told me (when we first met) that her favorite Bible verse was Proverbs 4:23. She did well in mentioning church and God, convincing me of her faith which caused me to trust her. But as I became close friends with her I noticed that she had no regard for her heart or even my heart; she said ugly things, enjoyed perverse and dark behaviors, didn’t speak kindly of her close family, and started to influence me in the same behaviors, all the whole treating our friendship with either distance or closeness depending on the day. Things I would have never said before, I found myself saying. Even my thoughts were changing and my emotions were off the charts. Crying. Fear. Frustration. These are all signs of soul-poisoning.
How slowly and carefully evil can penetrate a vulnerable soul. Using scripture and pretty words to gain trust just as the serpent did in the garden of Eden, and still does. But we are not without hope and we are already more than conquerors.
Be careful. Don’t learn the hard way like I did when I was younger. Don’t pay as much attention to words and appearance as you do to behavior and patterns—-and observe everything. Guard your heart. Don’t trust to closeness any one or any church until you’ve seen how they behave.
Again, please please please be careful with your priceless heart. Guard it. Keep it open to beauty, art, music, wholesome things, keep it open in love and trust but GUARD IT. Like the treasure it is.
“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.” Proverbs 4:23
Evil is sneaky, confusing, dark, covert, hidden behind masks of light, demonic, dangerous, and causes deep pain in good people because eventually the mask comes off.
Pain that can and will be healed, yes. But I wish I had been more careful with my heart in several situations in my past. However, God forgives and redeems. “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus!”
“Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.”
“Keep your eyes straight ahead: ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.”
“Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”
“God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.”
Finally in the month of March I’m settling on the word HEART as my word of the year 2023. It’s going to be fun to think about and grow in.
Hugs!!! To all of my friends here. I’m so glad to have such truly beautiful people surrounding me every day. So many that the ugly ones are twice as shocking. Lol.
It’s eight in the morning and I am sitting on the porch. I fell asleep last night thinking about my blog and woke up this morning thinking about my blog. I’m writing this on the verge of tears, but I must write. Something about the nakedness of it all is giving me anxiety…….I share my heart here, I always have. There are some things too painful to share, and that’s okay. I understand that, now.
I am healing. I am so in love with my life; being a mama, being a wife, being a friend, being a woman, but most of all I am learning to love simply being myself. We are allowed, and indeed it is necessary, to put ourselves first. Not in a selfish way, of course. However, I have learned that it is quite selfish to put others first to an extent that I am neglected and suffer because of it. For so long now I have done this. And wondered why I felt so “off”. Why I couldn’t quite feel my best while pouring all of myself into my people and work. Why it (life) felt a little “wrong”.
There are many reasons why a person can become mentally and emotionally unhealthy, it’s often a slow journey there, but finding oneself in an unhealthy state doesn’t matter as much as the subsequent desire to be well. Oh God, how I want to be well. This desire fuels me onward and only recently I have discovered that in my instance, and in most instances, it is possible to find mental wellbeing. In fact, this healing for me is happening now. The hurts and pain cannot be forgotten, but they can be processed, with help from friends. The brain is amazing, God made it that way, “and it was very good” (Genesis). And I realize that it’s not easy and sometimes not even possible to the extent that one might wish. Certainly, perfection is never possible, but improvement in any area of life is my highest goal.
Yes, I thought about blogging and then as I sat down with my computer just a moment ago, I found myself starting to cry. I was feeling fear about opening up. But what made me proceed, was the urge to lovingly give. I know my blog is a delight to others, because you told me (thank you, sweet precious friends). I know in this small blogging-way, I even find a bit of my true self whilst writing and posting photos. I know that the spirit in which I share is the spirit of “take this gift, it’s from me, to you.” I truly love each person who comes here to read and share a moment or two, with me and my words.
But be careful of words. The actions of a person are much more telling that the words they say. I pray that my work here (which seems more like play) never hurts, but only serves to love.
That being said, guess what?
photo by Tia Leigh Photography
Grace and Brogan got married! on June 12
It was a beautiful, magical, wondrous day.
I’ll tell you all about it, as soon as I can.
Tomorrow we travel to Jekyll for the rest of the summer but I plan to be blogging throughout.
Thank you for mercifully listening and for being here. If you would like to email me at any time the address is goodtobehome76@gmail.com. I love your comments here, as well, please be advised that they go to “pending” until I approve them. Thank you my dears.
You are loved.
~Shanda
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1Cor13
I am a collector of words….words said and words read. I love most them, although there are painful ones I wish to forget, seared into my mind, and replaying on a loop. My wise mom assures me (with wise mom-words)….. that “time erases”.
I keep at least one journal nearby at all times, and if I happen to be out and about without one, the “notes” app on my phone will do in a pinch. I constantly write thoughts, copy quotes, and things overheard. I’ve saved almost every letter written to me throughout my life.
I love that the Bible is “the Word of God” and that the world was created by His word.
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.” Psalm 33:6
What will we do with our words? In some ways they are the greatest gift we can give. Encouraging, uplifting, lovely words. Run for a pen!
The Bible truthfully says we can do a great deal of damage with them, too. Start fires, for example.
“And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body.” James 3:6
So, I pray.
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14
ummmmmm…….. so thank you to those who have figured out and made the attempt to continue reading this humble blog of my life and thoughts.
I have been experiencing intense misery and woe but as I sit here I am filled with the desire to express it all with frankness and humor. If you can’t laugh about your misery and woe then it has its evil hooks in you and that’s just not a nice feeling ask me how I know this.
Gosh, life is hard sometimes!!!!! Isn’t it?
But then again, Jesus loves me this I know, and despite the misery and woe I find myself uplifted and laughing even after I stubbornly fold my arms in front of my chest, stick out my lower lip, and think, “I refuse and I’m simply NOT going to enjoy this day today.”
Saturday was one of those days! I simply failed to believe I would even smile. I had cried so much the afternoon and evening and night before that my eyes were practically swollen shut. I was not feeling pretty, or good, or worthwhile, or hopeful, or confident, or anything along those lines.
THE CHILDREN SAVED THE DAY. Why? Because Sethers had a baseball game. Therefore I had to get myself dressed and get my butt out of the house. Because baseball games are OUTSIDE, therefore the sun was shining upon me. (Try to be filled with misery and woe while sitting in sunshine, it’s hard to keep up.) ALSO, ALL MY CHILDREN (except David) went to the game to cheer on their little brother. (This sent not a little joy through the cracks of my heart.) Also, Seth hit a homerun!!!!! To be honest, it would have only been a triple but the ball was overthrown to third and he was able to get to home on that error. You should have seen his proud face when he came over about 10 minutes later. He silently approached with the look, “I’m coming because I just know my mom is going to want to tell me how awesome I am.” And he was right, I did. His Dad and I sat in our chairs, sat in the grass, sat on the bleachers (we get restless at these games) surrounded by our children plus our Brittnee and our Michael and had (dare I say) fun.
Grace kept bonding with tiny caterpillars. Sarah played with new-found temporary friends (it’s what you do at your brother’s games) RIch and Michael wrestled in the grass. Jacob took his latest Steven King book and didn’t read it and then forgot it (but Sarah grabbed it for him) Ethan, Caleb, and Jacob played catch. We all got our first sunburns of the season to varying degrees. Brittnee’s knees especially. The game seemed to drag on forever……but….. Seth’s team won!
And then we all went out for pizza.
Here I am, in obvious misery and woe (and waiting for my coffee, also starving because I only had a yogurt for breakfast at 5:15am and it was 2 and I hadn’t had lunch.) Surrounded by the people I love.
Here I am wondering why my photo is being taken in such a state. And Ethan being Ethan, how I love him.
And……..Sarah pulled me out of myself by opening her heart and saying, “Mom?” and I said “Yes, Sarah?” “Caleb told me I could play the Playstation but then he and Seth played it so long I didn’t get a chance and blah blah blah blah blah.” Her little troubles, I realized ,were MUCH more important than my big ones!!!!!! As I always do, I listened with a loving and understanding expression on my face. (LOL)
As I leaned across the table at her, I said, “I think what you’re asking me is “Can you play when you get home? “Yes” “Okay, then, you may”. Problem solved. And then I laughed, what else could I do? I forgot David wasn’t with us and I asked Michael to take a family photo of us outside the pizza place.Being himself, he had to take one with himself in it.….and then I said, “Brittnee, too!” I was so happy to get a whole entire family photo and we walked to the car while I looked at the photos and wondered why there were only six children surrounding us and then I realized, “Oh yeah, Dave is at a track meet!!” and my woe came back. Michael said “Settle down, it’s okay!” And I guess it was, but I miss David in these photos. By the way, he got another PR in hurdles. I’m going to blog more about this, but here I am in the church downtown after a community concert to celebrate our towns 300th anniversary!!! Can you find me? I look rather pretty. (toward the left). Rich took us girls out for ice cream afterwards and Sarah looked so picturesque that I asked him to take this photo. She’s wearing her sister’s boots and I think, “Pippi Longstocking” whenever I see her in them. (She wore them to school today)
Thankful for: a healthy sense of humor even as I struggle that toad I saw yesterday evening hopping purposefully toward my flower garden the bookbag I’m carrying around everywhere I go that says “baby got books” on it and it’s indeed got books in it along with fine tip markers, a journal, Bible, and magazines. Gives me life. my family and the things they do and say rocking chairs on the porch matcha tea lattes my cats and you, my friends
You are loved. Thank you for being here. Please pray for me as I will also pray for you today. Be encouraged, we have each other!!! and lots of love. We can do this! and the rewards of eternal life are unspeakable. Heaven’s not now……but it’s coming.
“How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in Him should ponder them.” Ps. 111:2
“If the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36
“For the despondant, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast.” Proverbs 15:15
Last week I walked past the *up the road* neighbor’s house and she had a bunch of thoughtful birdfeeders, therefore she also had a bunch of happy birds, including (I counted) SIX baltimore orioles. As they don’t eat bird seed, I noticed she had a tray of jelly to tempt them for a visit. I love Baltimore Orioles, they are always a thrill to see with their bright orange feathers. I remember finding an oriole nest once, filled with fat baby birds. I remember taking a photo of a bald eagle and seeing an oriole in a branch above. I remember seeing an oriole in the sky, flying after another bird up the road, away from its nest. I’ve taken photos of them and it’s always a good bird day when I get to do that.
So I thought rather enviously, that I would buy some grape jelly, with just *a little bit* of hope that maybe one would come to my not-as-thoughful birdfeeders. I had *some* hope, but not very much. I half- heartedly bought the jelly and half- heartedly put it in a plastic dish (as purple as the jelly) and half -heartedly put it on the porch. I didn’t have great expectations but I did have curiousity and wanted to see what would happen.
Two days later………..
Joy!
(HOW DO THEY KNOW??????????????? Can birds smell grapes out of those hard beaky noses?)
As I thought about this, I at first I believed that I had NO HOPE in them coming, but then I thought, “Well, I must have had SOME hope, or I wouldn’t have put the jelly out in the first place.”
~no hope means giving up…..thinking and doing nothing with our desires/goals (big or small)
~some hope means any amount of thinking and doing……… and living life curious…. because after all, that desire/goal (big or small) just might come to fruition
so I did, this morning and I also burned my finger terribly. I had three cookies for breakfast.
Sharing my heart..
I was lovingly reminded yesterday that God is not waiting to come down on me like a hammer everytime I get my toe out of line…….and then, this morning I read this verse, “The Lord doesn’t see things they way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
The Lord KNOWS MY HEART. When I don’t even know it, He knows it. He knows I want to please Him, He knows I beat myself up all day long over my percieved failings, He knows that I grieve and cry and long and hope and desire and love and give and give and make myself vulnerable and I fail and fail but I’m loved and I’m beautiful to Him.
In life’s choices, I choose HIM. To think this way is freeing to me.
He cares for me like no other. He knows I am nothing but dust, he knows my messy humanity and He understands. He knows I’m treading water here, trying to keep myself breathing. (Please don’t worry about me, I’ve never tried to keep depression/anxiety/perfectionism and my super-sensitivity to life and these things a secret. I’m okay, and people can be okay even when dealing with strong emotions.)
Anything that makes me small and Him big……is a good thing. Even though it can be painful. In this way, self righteousness is dealt with, and a true understanding of my need (and His provision!) is realized. No, I don’t want self righteousness or sanctimoniousness (from myself…..or others, either.) It creates fear. “Your boasting is not good. You know that a little yeast leavens the whole bath of dough, don’t you?” I corinthians 5:6…
We are to have mercy, and show love and grace. To others…..and to our selves.
“I want your constant love, not your animal sacrifices. I would rather have my people know me than burn offerings to me.” Hos. 6:6
So, Mother’s day weekend. On the inside I was a storm of thoughts and emotions, but on the outside……life continued and there was joy and smiles and love. How funny it all is! A perfect mix of sadness and joy, love and sorrow, good and bad, seriousness and frivolity. So topsy turvy! “It is what it is” Maybe someday I’ll find an even keel. (yes, you can laugh at that).
“In acceptance lieth peace” ~ Hannah Hurnard
I accept it all, kind Father, often with great struggle, but thank you for loving me and being patient and kind. Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.
thank you for visiting my blog, friends. you are loved
Good to be Home 