It’s a rainy day, a steady thick drizzle. I just mixed up a cake from scratch and put it in the oven. I used the last two cups of white sugar so David just left for the grocery store. He is going to visit his girlfriend tomorrow and wants to bake cookies for her so he wanted to make sure to get sugar. He’s not sure what kind he’s making yet. I have some candy for him to give to her, too. I have a candle lit and made a cup of coffee. The house is quietly waiting for its children to come back home. They will all be here this weekend except for Caleb the college boy. It’s Easter weekend and Rich’s 50th birthday on Sunday and we are looking forward to lots of family togetherness. Music, talking, cooking, cuddles.
Speaking of cuddles I got to go and visit Lucy this morning for a couple hours.
I want to always take care of her with gentleness and love. I am beyond thankful for this sweet little baby, our first grandchild.
After I left I visited a local farm for some eggs and frozen meat. We no longer keep chickens or ducks and although we miss having them I am always very appreciative that we have many opportunities to buy them from the farm or different stands in the neighborhood.
Turkey, chicken, and duck eggs
Speaking of eggs, I started putting together the kids Easter baskets this morning. I haven’t ever kept a consistent tradition for Easter because sometimes we are vacationing, but because I’m at Goodwill at least once a week to find things for my eBay shop, I kept my eyes open this year for baskets and was able to find some nice wicker ones. Each one of them is slightly different, which I find charming. I lined each one with a sheet of tissue paper and am filling them with different little things. Unfortunately I miscounted one of the matching gifts, I’m one short, and so now Brittnee’s trying to get me to go back to Target with her.
Also thanks to thrifting, I’ve collected Easter decor through the years and it’s been delightful to put things out here and there;
birds nest gathered from outside
These are the little ways to make a life sing.
Happy Easter my loves ❤️
“I do what my heart tells me to do. I surround myself with beautiful things.” Hilde Leiaghat
“Beautiful homes bring up beautiful people.” Elena salgueiro
“Jesus Christ is our strength and guidance here.” Sister Julienne
“We touch other people’s lives simply by existing.”
PS, he’s back with the sugar and decided to make the Doubletree cookie recipe (oats, walnuts, & chocolate chip).
Destination- a little therapy room, often smelling thickly of the prior client’s cannabis, fifty minutes away, to be arrived at by speeding along highways and byways. -a little therapy room that would hold the wonders of the world, and magic, and solace, and finally….someone who would completely stand by my side to validate and strengthen me.
How did God get me to that little room, you wonder? Gather around and lend me your ears, or rather, eyes , to read this account, all true.
We begin this journey many years ago, when I was still very naive, and homeschooling a large number of young children who all belonged to me. It was a very snowy February day and I had just gone out on the porch to take clothes off the line when a van came around the icy corner, slid quietly off the road and turned upside down into the steam at the end of our property. The children and I rushed to rescue, and I met a beautiful young mom and her three children- two preschoolers and a baby wet from the waters of the ice cold stream. The young mom and I formed a lifelong connection that day.
Years pass.
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I had been scammed on the interNET. (Funny, I would later describe the feeling —-like I was caught in a NET underwater drowning but never actually drowning, to my therapist, regarding this time). I had met in the net, a kind and most attentive member of my family tree. He had seen me appear in his family matches on ancestry DNA. Little by little, I become friends with him, he was a cousin, and an older person to look up to and chat with. Unfortunately he was person who eventually tore my entire NAIVE heart to pieces as I slowly came to realize he was in fact a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’m not making this up and neither is Grimm’s fairy tales. The wolf exists!!In fact, it’s worse worse worse than I can even explain! This experience is why I am now forever kindred spirits with Jemima Puddle Duck. I guess she is (WAS) my “spirit animal.” Also, in her case it was a Fox. Sometimes they are also spiders or snakes. On the outside though they look like regular old nice people/sheep.
Anyway, I had to block this person from all my online accounts.
Months pass.
***********
For a time, I was understandably hyper vigilant about social media and I came to notice a new name pop up on my instagram—- an account which kept visiting my stories. I could see that they were looking at everything I posted. I got upset and confronted this person, certain it was the abuser from my past using an alias.
Days pass.
**********
I finally got the truth out of that person and was totally shocked to discover it was someone the young mom from the stream knew. So I reached out to her for clarification. In this way, she found out about my very personal and private battle with a toxic family member. In turn, I also discovered that she was recovering from abuse, too. Sadly, most of us are. Anyway, we decided to get together for a visit. During that visit, she gave me the name of her therapist and told me to call her. I was very hesitant about therapy because I had tried it before and it was not helpful and in fact made me feel worse. But I took another leap of faith. (It was my one millionth leap of faith). I reluctantly and unenergetically leaped myself into contact with the therapist. It was scary. I had no hope. Not even a shred. I was just doing what my friend gently suggested.
I’ll never forget where I was when I had my first phone consultation with her (my friend’s therapist). It was springtime and I was standing in the green grass down by the chicken coop wandering around sobbing through her questions and trying to articulate the best I could through the hot heart aching pain of uttering words and communicating and indescribable almost impossible to bear/bare story. My naked soul. As vulnerable as nakedness typically is for us non-nudists.
********
(((As an aside, I am a highly sensitive person.)) what’s that, you ask?
interesting, right?
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Phone consultation, con’t……
The interview of sorts came to a conclusion. I waited for what she would tell me to do next. And then…..I was crushed and stunned when I heard the words, “I can’t help you.”
Now, mind you, she didn’t mean those words THAT WAY. She DID briskly continue on to clarify, “……you have serious emotional trauma and I am not qualified enough for what you need but I will send you names of people trained to handle trauma.”
(This was the first time someone told me I had trauma and it was VERY validating, up to this point I blamed myself for everything and all the emotions, I was deeply planted in my belief that something was wrong with me.)
I got off the phone in shock, no longer crying but shocked into that almost blissful state of numbness. I did promptly receive the Email of Names but a numb person with the words “she can’t help me” on repeat is working at a disadvantage. It took more time to pass to get to the point where I could make my ……
……..One Millionth and One-more- leap- of faith.
One more email, one more phone call, a scheduled first appointment, a 50 minute trip down the highway, and a journey that I came to enjoy on a weekly basis. Eventually the drive would come to include a ritual stop along the way for the hands-down best cup of matcha I have been able to find in these parts.
********
There so much more I could say, but that, my darling, is how I was led by God to the healing place, to Emilie and her little magic room. I looked and she was holding the keys to my heart.
********
Remember,
“You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus.”
“The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you could tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.”
“God knows how to rescue the godly from evil trials.”
“With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day.”
*****
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“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”
I didn’t go to church yesterday because I needed a mental health day. Maybe my busy life caught up with me. I have a lot on my mind. A mixed salad so to speak, with my family and my work and my life, and I am the sort who needs to think (and write) about things. And I know that when I have a struggle, I’m not alone. Some of the struggles I find myself dealing with are painful. And ultimately I think “if I am not alone in dealing with this then I want to learn all about it so I can help my friends if they find themselves in this place.” I study, and search. There are a lot of issues “out there” which I have shied away from because they are so controversial. The pain of the controversy ends up being more painful than I can bear. Injustice seems like a wall that never breaks down. But my heart wants to learn and grow and puff and ooze with tender love. Strong love.
I am always on the side of humanity.
I am always on the side of Christ.
I stand with Christ and the human. I stand with myself.
I am not firmly planted on the side of any issue. I can understand how people are gloriously complex, and I’ve heard enough stories to know that there are always pathways and reasons and journeys to whatever destination we find ourselves at in any particular moment. And then a lot of times we even change. It’s fluid and beautiful, growth.
What I never stand on is the side of the self righteous, the ones who are so narrow minded that they think their belief or opinion is the Only Right One. I don’t stand with patterned ongoing abusive behavior that leaves victims half dead on the side of the road. True evil is bent on trying to destroy peace and love.
True love is stopping to lift up the half dead and hurting people.
I have high hopes and dreams for people. I want to see people regulating their nervous systems, healing their trauma, and feeling safe enough to nurture children instead of neglecting them. The children are our future. Not a cliche but the truth. They deserve to be brought up feeling loved and taught to serve (to lift up). Brought up so carefully and thoughtfully that they don’t have to put in years of healing when they are adults.
My son found himself with the task of having to complete forty hours of community service.
These hours have changed his life. And changed our family, too, as we witnessed him working and serving his “giat” off (I don’t even know how to spell it but I’ve had it aimed at me more than once). This weekend he found himself taking food to people through the cold rain, to their cars, for five hours. He came home soaked. Last weekend he found himself with a group of all different older men, he couldn’t even laugh at their jokes as they cooked corn beef and cabbage supper together, because he was too young to “get them”. But he grew bigger in self confidence and learned a lot as he rubbed shoulders with them. “Mom I sliced ALL the corned beef myself.”
I realized more about my precious child as he explained that he “hated working at the library because it’s so quiet and they had me dusting books and it was never ending over and over and I got SAD.”
Like, I knew this child wasn’t a fan of libraries but to feel actual feelings of sadness and hatred…..I mean, that’s something.
He is a man of action, working busily in teams made up of other active people like him. This is where he thrives.
A day with nothing to do is quite a mountain for that one.
And I think about how I have ten children (teenagers and adults) and one grandbaby (also another one coming soon) and how different each of them are inside and out and how my brain at some point (even now) is going to get tired and I’m going to have to stand on a single life principle as the matriarch of my growing tribe of decendents.
Something to live for.
Something that tells them that they can always come to me and my home for warmth and a grilled cheese sandwich. A snuggle, a talk, or just to be left alone to nap or whatever the heck they need.
(We all have needs that deserve to be met).
What will I be wearing when they come close to me? (Besides the neon hello kitty socks)?
I will be wearing love.
I pray to God I’ll be oozing it.
“We don’t see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through the mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly has He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” 1Cor13
“This is the blessed life~ not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.” from Streams in the Desert
Rich and I were blessed by the arrival of a new baby granddaughter, born on January 22.
The proud parents are our son Jacob and his wife Brittnee, and they named their first born daughter Lucy Adeline. She was 6 lbs, 12 oz. at birth and today at her check up she weighed 8 pounds, 4oz. I am completely smitten by her. She is perfectly healthy and a very pretty baby, so smart and bright. A marvel.
Brittnee had a c-section and I visited the hospital several times before they were discharged. I was especially thankful that Rich and I met her for the first time, together. He was so dear as he looked at every. single. stuffed animal in the hospital gift shop trying to find just the right one for Lucy; and while he didn’t fall in love with the idea of being a grandfather, he fell promptly in love with the very real and darling granddaughter herself.
Jacob and Brittnee are settling into their new role as parents like naturals and we are so proud of them. The had a baby and moved closer to home all in the same week, with good humor and grace. We love having them near.
As always, I am keeping my heart and eyes held wide open to the beauty around me, while also savoring each day’s hidden delights given for me and for me only, holding them close, to remember and thank God for….. over and over again. This is a personal journey to home, and yet we go there together on these precious golden pathways to glory, hand in hand with so much love. Welcoming new babies is a joy along the way. We love our little Lucy.
That old familiar ache of deep wonder over the gifts of time makes me feel alive like nothing else.
Praise the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does such wonderful things. Praise His glorious name forever! Let the whole earth be filled with His glory! Amen and Amen. Psalm 72:19
I am now forty seven years old and my husband is forty nine. Five of our seven children have moved on to other places and are living life fully and with energy and curiosity, learning and growing up strong and capable. Three of them are now married, making our grand total of children, thus far, at ten. Rich and I are still busy at home with our two youngest; Seth is 14, Sarah 13.
The baby (Caleb) who began this blog with me so many years ago is now eighteen and attending college nine hours away (by car). He is doing so well and when I dwell too much on it, I start to get emotional. I know him like no one else, as good mothers do, we know our children. We love them deeply and honestly and keep the precious memories and observations close, in our hearts. And now he’s away living life more for himself, as he should.
So yes, I praise God for Caleb, off to college. His knee is better and he’s on the wrestling team. He’s making excellent grades and has friends and enough to keep him busy.
I praise God for Seth, who is now a freshman in HS. His friendly personality. His talent in sports and how exciting it is to watch him play football as starting QB on the Junior Varsity team.
I praise God for Sarah. As tall as I am now, the youngest of our children. She is my daughter and my friend. She is active with her friends, a cheerleader, in 8th grade now with a wisdom beyond her years.
I praise God for David, who is living his best life with a job he is flourishing in, and friends, and a girlfriend he enjoys spending time with. He isn’t afraid of jumping into each day with both feet, and has a lot of adventures to tell us about when he comes to visit (and collect his mail).
I praise God for Grace and for her husband Brogan. They are coming to visit this week. Both so smart and interesting, both deep thinkers, musicians and writers and readers. Friendly, good people. How I love to get to see, as their mother, how they grow and live.
I praise God for Ethan and his new wife, Sierra, my sweet daughter in law. How I adore her, and it makes me smile to see them together. Ethan as his Dad’s assistant coach for wrestling, Ethan working hard at his full time job, Sierra continuing her studies (dissecting hearts this week), and working at the vet downtown , frequently tempting us with pictures of adoptable cats and dogs.
And last but not least, I praise God for our firstborn Jacob and his wife Brittnee. Because guess what? Yes they are also *Doing Interesting Things to many to tell*, but most importantly…………………..
They are expecting OUR FIRST GRANDCHILD, who we know is a little GIRL, in January.
(insert extraordinary excitement unmatched by any other prior experience in my life)
There are words, but not enough, to describe how thankful to God I am, to be here for this.
To morph into Grandma Shanda!! Daughter, sister, cousin, wife, aunt, mother, and now …..Grandmother. I’m here for it!!
I have a lot of love to give. And there is just nothing like that sweet experience of loving, in this life journey. Every year, every day, every moment, every person in my life is an opportunity to love and be loved. Oh God, give me Your abundant grace to face the beauty of each day. Thank you for allowing us to live wholly and nourishingly, knowing You as Creator and Savior, and Giver of all good things.
“Here’s a new day. Oh Pendulum move slowly!” -Harold Munro
My cholesterol was a little high so I’ve taken to eating a nice bowl of steel cut oats in the morning. I microwave it to cook nice and creamy. The bowl has to be larger than you would think, or we have a spill-over. If that happens I tip the plate and scrape the oats back into the bowl because I don’t want to lose even a spoonful. Then I wash the plate again and put it back in the bottom of the microwave. If you use a larger bowl this won’t happen.
It takes about three minutes to cook the oats the way I like them. This morning I had the idea to drizzle orange juice on top, and a little dab of thick Greek yogurt, too. A sprinkle of salt. A good wholesome breakfast.
I vacuumed the car this morning. I found an extension cord in the big bin on the porch and used it to plug the vacuum cleaner into an outlet. I washed the mats and dried them in the hot sun. I wiped down the interior with wipes made for that purpose. My aunt is coming in a few hours and I am driving us to the cabin and wanted us to have a clean car to enjoy. It’s a beautiful morning, crickets singing, leaves blowing gently across the driveway in the wind. Blinding sunshine, colors in the trees, and this morning a thick misty fog.
I walked Rich to the car. The children had already left for school. It was just us! He looked so handsome and cute I had to take a photo before pretending I was a traffic director and pointing him out of the driveway to work.
very handsome man
Before taking a shower I took my things out to the front porch and did my Bible reading and Discipleship lesson for today. I read about Abraham and the men and women of those chapters dealing with God’s covenant to him, and promises so amazing that Abraham’s wife laughed to hear them. I had the front door open nearby and the cats came in and out as I sat and read and wrote and thought and looked at the sun begin to burn away the cloudy air.
very handsome cat
Actually this cat caused two uproars this morning . He attacked poor Sherlock as he was napping innocently in my room, and then he attacked Sam who was sitting on top of my fiestaware hutch, causing things from my collection to fall along with a strand of lights, a vase, another vase, and a metal tin to fall with a crash as cats ran away in fear. It prompted me to list a set of tiny animal figurines to eBay as they were in the path of destruction and somehow survived unscathed. I also listed an old first edition book, and Ronald Weasley’s wand. I packed up an old cocoa tin to mail out. Took a shower, did some laundry because as you know, it never ends, and now am sitting cross legged in a big comfy chair, with Sam on one of my legs; she’s purring.
I started watching Netflix’s Snowpiercer last night and am going to make a fresh cuppa and finish it now.
Happiest of Thursdays to you my friends!
We are loved. I’ve lived many days, have seen the hand of God in each one, and have passed through the fire and I know it’s true.
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“If you want to understand God’s ways, go out and observe His handiwork….ask questions, search for answers…He will fill you with wonder and praise.” B. Schultz
Seth went grocery shopping with his dad the other day and bought Oreos and Nutty Buddies and all kinds of sugary snacks and then came home and ….. hid them from his sister! I know, shocking! And I get to hear all about it!
She got off the bus today and came in the house to continue the topic that began yesterday. “I was right, he DID hide them from me Mom, he was eating a Nutty Buddy on the bus this morning….he HID them, he hid the snacks from me, why……”. Her voice faded at she searched around the pantry for something to eat.
I watched as she searched and then “heard a prompting”——I thought to myself, “my poor daughter is hungry maybe she would like pancakes”. And so I said;
“You sound hungry. Can I make you pancakes?”
She stopped rummaging and looked around the door frame, “Pancakes? Fluffy ones? With chocolate chips? THANK YOU!!”
I got up off the couch and set to work. No milk? Thank goodness there was a can of evaporated milk in the pantry. Soon I was flipping golden circles and serving them with plenty of butter to a happy daughter sitting in a sunbeam. It was fun!
I thought about Jesus’ words in Matthew:
And I thought about the way we can notice each others’ needs and pains and struggles and how so often I might feel that prompting to “do something”.
Sometimes people are hungry but it’s not for bread. Sometimes people are thirsty, imprisoned, sick, and it’s not what first comes to our minds when we hear those words.
Sometimes an addiction is prison.
Sometimes grief is a sickness worse than Covid.
Sometimes people are thirsty to be noticed.
And people hunger to be known.
To be seen.
As we listen to the promptings to do something, anything, to lift the burden of a child, a friend, a neighbor, and we not only hear them but take action, we realize once again why Jesus tells us to love each other in these tangible ways. Not only does it count as doing something for Him, as if that wasn’t enough reason, in so doing, we also receive benefits. We are likewise lifted up, and our heart inclines…… to joy. And joy, that Divine, real joy, is our strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) Strength for today and tomorrow and all the days to come.
Let me give. Let me see. And let me be thankful for what is given so generously to me, as well.
Good morning, I am writing to you from my small little art table upstairs in my bedroom in the cabin. Sarah is the only person here with me and she is still sleeping in the dark and quiet basement (finished), curled up in the top bed of the bunk bed, where it is so very nice and cool……..it’s as humid as can be this morning. Everything is covered in humidity outside and so was I, when I went for a little walk around. I saw people, flowers of all kinds, a daddy long legs, the lake, slugs, mushrooms of all kinds, charming lake homes, trees, crows, a male cardinal, and……
my first quarter cup
……and wild blueberries, of which I am quite acquainted with because I, along with my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings, grew up surrounded by them. I suspect they are part of my genetic make up at this point. I’ve eaten them from hand, in jam, in pies, in coffee cakes, and my favorite; in muffins.
I said hello to the first bush I found about a week ago here right next to the dirt road that we walk from our cabin down to the lake. I said, “Hello, are you related to anyone in Afton, NY?” And this bush replied to me, “It’s possible, anything’s possible you know.” Then I asked if I could pick it’s ripe berries and it said “Please do, they itch me so, I’ve been waiting for berry lovers to come around and notice and you’re the first.” This is is all true. It was a small sized bush without many branches and I’ve been stopping by almost daily to pick what it had to offer. This morning, just an hour ago, I tied on my sneakers and set out for a quick jaunt. My friendly blueberry bush had a good 1/4 cup for me. I got every ripened one, and ate them, thinking of antioxidants and how each small berry had a slightly different taste and how amazing that was and……..
the second 1/4 cup
……and all of a sudden, I found three more small bushes right next to the road, this time on the left hand side. After proper introductions I proceeded to pick berries, oh and I also met the Daddy Long Legs Spider -quite handsome he was- but camera shy. I walked away again eating berries and thinking to myself of walking with a cup and making muffins.
(A mushroom interlude)
I was just about home when I found the one raspberry.
promptly eaten
And so we pick what is good as we go about the day, taking what there is for us to gather, enjoying, thanking, smiling, knowing from Who’s hand every good thing comes. A thousand and a thousand good things— if we only have eyes to see we will then have a heart which is large and grateful.
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“May I remember the bright hours that found me,
Walking over the silent hills of my childhood,
Or dreaming on the margin of the quiet river,
When a light glowed within me,
And I promised my early God to have courage
Amid the tempests of the changing years.”
Max Ehrmann
And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. Genesis 1:31
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
Good morning friends, here I am, still in bed upstairs in the NH cabin. The windows are open, and a fan in the window is powerfully pushing in the cool air of this beautiful still new day. And don’t you just love a new day?
How are you? I pray these early summer days have been lovingly warm and comforting for your sweet souls. Love is what matters most. And love can be found anywhere thanks be to an everywhere at once God (Who literally IS love, 1 John 4:7) and His merciful ways……in the very act of living itself, in a pet, a purpose, community, Scripture, art, relationships. Giving, creating. Knowing. Being known. Alive. Awake.
For God so *loved*…..
In the beginning, God *created*…..
Take my yoke upon you and *learn of me*….
For the very hairs on your head are numbered and He knows each tear that falls from your eyes.
The very eyes that were once blind, but now can see. See beyond the surface, we are “far from the shallow now.” We are in deep where life is an continual feast.
If I stop and consider all the ways I am loved my cup is neither half empty nor half full—it’s overflowing from an endless rushing fountain. I happily stand, flooded by love on every side. My house on the Rock stands firm.
As Mother I find my strength in Love. Yes, I have ten children, but I know now that I would be a mother even with no children of my own. Quite simply, mothering is half of my one whole Purpose. And as such, I simply must spend time basking, bathing, being consumed, in and by the love of God. Remembering. Believing. Accepting. Receiving. Only in this way will my weaknesses become strength.
To Mothers and Lovers, (Lover-the second half of this “life purpose” of mine), to mothers and lovers, grief is wild. To live here on earth, in this world, is to suffer deeply from pain and loss. As I woke this morning I remembered times throughout my whole life when the anguish of loss was so great I had to go into the woods to scream and cry. My body took over and my mind was lost. In this way, grief is a very dark and frightening place. At times the Mothers and the Lovers have no one near enough to console them in their passionate grief. This is where we end, and the mystery takes over. Questions unanswerable like “why”, “how” . And we learn another truth; even unanswerable questions have their own deep magic. Things unseen. The very definition of Faith. The hope of that Someday, when we know fully the things we only know now in part.
Faith, and Hope, these unbreakable divine powers, are how we keep on keeping on.
Good to be Home 