I haven’t been feeling like myself for a few weeks now.  Stressed out and tired, I guess. 

My doctor is concerned about the increase in my blood pressure over this month, and put me on bed rest yesterday.  How this is going to be possible, I don’t know.  I plan on resting as much as I can, and trusting God to take care of me when I have to be up and about. 

I had blood work done yesterday to make sure that I wasn’t getting preeclampsia.  The lab results were fine, thankfully.  The pregnancy is going well, baby is actively moving; it’s just Mama who is tired.

One of the things that is making me feel upset is knowing that my husband will be gone again next week on a business trip; from Monday to Thursday night.  This is something that I am praying about because I am not sure how I will manage (for instance, music lessons are Monday and Tuesday evenings and if we don’t go the money is wasted).

This morning I plan on making a list of things that I can do from the couch; happy things.  Any suggestions? 

Little Seth is a dear, and sticks by me so faithfully.  He is my littlest buddy and even looked through a Tasha Tudor garden book with me this morning, while pointing at the pretty pictures, and making his little conversational noises.

I know God has everything under control and what a comfort it is to trust Him. 

When I was growing up attending public school, I fell in love with singing in chorus.  I sang alto, I sang in a trio with two of my girl friends (we even sang “Going to the Chapel” at my wedding reception in 3 part harmony)….I went to all-state, all-county chorus groups, sang in swing choir, and also sang in my church choir.  I sang several (judged) NYSSMA solos, and in my senior year I received the highest score of my school (on my solo) and had the honor of singing at the end of the year banquet.  Oh how I loved it all.  It was many years ago now, but I have such good memories of those times.  Music programs for children are such a blessing!

When we began homeschooling our children, my heart ached because I didn’t think it see how it would be possible to get them involved in a good music program.

Thankfully, God had a plan.  He led me to a brochure at our local library advertising a community school of the arts program, and after making some phone calls I was able to get them into music lessons…..and also an excellent choral program.

As parents, yes, it has been somewhat of a sacrifice on our part, but Rich and I both have been rewarded over and over by the experience.  The children have their practice every Monday night throughout the school year and have already had several beautiful concerts.  We sit and listen so full of joy that they could have such experiences. 

This past Saturday the children were involved in a concert and were able to sing with the University of Connecticut Collegium Musicum.  The front of the program said, “J.S. Bach and the German Choral Heritage, Sacred and Secular Music that Influenced the Baroque Master, works by J. Micheal Bach, J.S. Bach, Hassler, Isaac, Praetorius, Scheidt, and Schutz”. 

The pieces were wonderfully God-honoring and beautiful~the kind of music that makes you close your eyes and soak it in.  My favorite was when the youth choir sang “A Mighty Fortress is our God” in English, and the college choir sang the same song in German from up above in the balconies.  The acoustics were exquisite in the church they were performing in.

(random comment:  When the youth choir director began training the children in “A Mighty Fortress” she asked the students if anyone knew who Martin Luther was and what he was famous for, Jacob knew the answer and spoke up in class.  Yes, I’m proud of him but…it was also affirmation that homeschooling is working for us!)

The children sang in Latin!

(another random comment:  The program included this note: “The ensembles kindly request that you silence all electronic noisemakers for the duration of the concert.”  This makes me chuckle because SETH is not an electronic noisemaker, but he IS a noisemaker and Rich had to kindly silence him.  He spent the entire program standing in the back with him, while I sat in the audience with Caleb and David, who had their own struggles.)

Yes, we all felt quite cultured after the evening was over (all but Seth).  The director did such a wonderful job at writing up an informative program, and taking the time to explain the meaning and history of the songs.

Here is a little video of one of the pieces.   Enjoy!  And thanks for stopping by my blog today!  xoxox, Shanda

My friend Kathy and I went out for breakfast this morning, and when we were done we had some extra time to stop by an antique store.  It was a lot of fun to wander around, talking and looking at things.

I came away with a chicken waterer.  The base was missing, so they had it paired with an old tin pie plate instead.  I really like the country rustic look to it and plan on using it for my chickens.

The little, heavy (sand filled?) satin pin holder called my name, and so did the wooden tulips for my garden.

My favorite find was an old quilt.  I absolutely love it….whoever made it used such bright and beautiful fabrics and obviously had a substantial stash of well-chosen material to create with.

The quilt is full-sized and the top and back are a light, cool cotton.  On the next hot day I plan on washing it gently in my washer, and laying it outside in the grass to dry in the sunshine.

I can picture us cuddling on the couch, or outside in the hammock with it. 

We will take it along on adventures;  a few family summertime picnics will be all the more glorious with this feast for our eyes.

We had a busy morning here at home, and then out and about—to the library, to the doctor’s, and to the store.  It was a relief to get home.  Jacob went out to get the mail and to my surprise, he came back with a couple of boxes for me, and a letter.  I sat on the couch with Caleb and Seth, who were excitedly watching my every move. 

The first box I opened was from my friend Dawn.  Out came a handmade smocked baby bonnet (“IT’S CURTAINS, MOM!” ~ Caleb, thrilled, at first glance).  There was also a tiny pair of white lace socks.  Ruffles and ribbons and lace, white with a little bit of pink.  When I saw these lovely creations, knowing the time and thought that went into them, I felt so touched and happy, even if dear Caleb was a little confused (we are used to baby BOYS around here!)

The other box, from my friend Angie, had in it a handmade blanket.  The blanket is thick and soft, and Angie crocheted an edge around it (her grandma taught her how).  It is dainty and beautiful and my heart aches to see Sarah gently wrapped in it, while wearing her bonnet and lace socks.  Tucked inside the box, there was also sent a lovely lilac candle, a baby bib, a beautiful card and letter, and some wheat flour that she had ground herself.

Another friend of mine mailed me the sweetest note, letting me know that she loved me and thought of me often. 

All these things made me cry (I am crying as I type) happy and thankful tears.  It’s been a blessing today, to be on the receiving end of so much love and encouragement from dear friends. 

After breakfast this morning, I was sitting on the couch reading.  However, I got distracted by Seth, who was sitting quietly on the livingroom floor playing *and looking so sweet* that I had Jacob get me the camera.  I aimed at him and said, “Seth!”.  When he looked up he gave me this big gift of a grin. 

He is 14 months old now and quite the boy.  He adds so much joy and laughter to our lives with his little ways.

I think it is safe to say that Sarah Joy is bigger than a clementine orange.

photos by grace lillian 

I thought it would be nice to have a bowl of homemade chicken salad in the fridge this week.

There’s just something girly about it, and it makes me feel like I’m enjoying a little getaway for the soul when I’m eating it outside at the little table on the porch, in the singing spring air, with a book in my other hand, and off a gold-edged china plate. 

Sweet daughter Grace likes it, too.  It’s a treat for the ladies of the house. 

Rich left for a business trip this morning and will be back late Wednesday night.  We had a fun weekend with the children, to prepare for the time we would be missing each other. 

I have a few things planned for the week-nothing all that exciting, things like “cleaning off porch” and “planting a few flowers in the garden”.

Look for short posts this week, maybe with just a picture or two~

Blessings and Love,

Shanda

PS, Thank you for the loving & kind comments on the last post.   ((hugs))

“Yes, there are wondrous times in mothering!  And there are also shocking, unexpected days and weeks, when we quickly come to the end of who we are and what we know and we wonder how we’re going to make it through the next twenty years….or twenty minutes.” 

“Moms have continuing needs, too.  To sleep.  To grow.  To talk with someone who cares.  To regain perspective and find hope.  Ignoring those needs not only jeopardizes the health and well-being of the mom but of the whole family.”

‘Moms cannot effectively meet the needs of their children while ignoring their own.  And during the days of mothering young children with intense needs, moms must recognize the value of understanding and meeting their own needs, for the sake of their children and families.”

~Elisa Morgan & Carol Kuykendall,  of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)

I became a mother when I was in my early twenties.  Rich and I were delighted to be parents and enjoyed every moment with our firstborn.  Jacob was 14 months old when I had our second son, Ethan.  After Ethan was born I experienced several months of post partum depression, which went undiagnosed.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I could not sleep and I spent most of my time anxious and weepy.  It was a terrible time for me, I felt very lost and alone.  I remember praying and reading my Bible in utter despair, not knowing why I could not make myself BE HAPPY.  Thankfully, my depression only lasted a couple of months.

During that time, Rich and I were at a local Christian Bookstore and I found the book, “What Every Mom Needs” by Elisa Morgan & Carol Kuykendall.  I bought it and read it, and cried through the entire book.  It did not address depression, but it did address the needs of mothers, and the words were FOR ME, as I read I felt understood and not as alone in my feelings, and reading it gave me some good, first, solid lessons on what it is to be a mother.  Motherhood is rewarding and involves intense love and devotion, but it is also extremely HARD at times.

I’ve been a mother now for thirteen years and what you see here on my blog is the result of the experience of those years…..I feel more settled and seasoned.  Able to laugh and enjoy my days as a stay-at-home mom.

However.  When I have a new baby, or when I am extremely overtired, my world comes crashing down around me once again.  Usually just for a day or two.  I call these times, “crash days”.

Yesterday was one of those days for me.  It was triggered by reaching the end of my rope regarding my husband’s insane work ethic.  He is rarely at rest, which in turn places a lot of pressure on me as I watch him, at home, “catching up on emails” almost constantly.  This lifestyle of *always being available to the cooperation* has been going on for the last 10 years.

Yesterday, as he drove to work, he listened to me on the other end of his cell phone, YELLING and saying all kinds of lovely things like, “I HAVE HAD IT.  I AM DONE.  YOU SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY AT THE OFFICE AND THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU NEED TO BRING WORK INTO OUR FAMILY LIFE, TOO.”

And those were the mild, more gentler of points and complaints.  I was so upset. 

(Do I wish, now, that I had handled the situation better? yes.)

Thankfully, my husband truly loves me and has a tender, forgiving spirit.  He listened to me, and promised to think through what I said.  I spent the day yesterday in turmoil, praying to God for some divine intervention (in my own heart and my husband’s)….and trying to rest.

I remembered that I have a responsibility to take care of myself, to take breaks before I break, to relax and rest.  To get away from the house and the children, for my my own sanity.

I was too upset and overtired to do much yesterday but as I pulled out my old copy of “What Every Mom Needs”, determined to put myself through a refresher course, I began to remember the days when I was home with little preschoolers, all day, every day, with no car.  We lived in an apartment back than, and in order to get away from the house for a little while, I would load up the stroller and walk to the park.  Or just go outside on the lawn, with a lawn chair, a stack of magazines, paper and pencils.  Jacob and Ethan used to love digging and playing with their matchbox cars and would sit and play.  We also had one of those plastic three wheeler bikes, which got a lot of use.  Sometimes I would fill up a bucket of water so they could wash their cars and their bike.  Bubbles were another favorite item to take outside with us.

The times that they played outside gave me some quiet time to just sit and rest, doing my favorite things, reading and writing.

So yesterday I found myself, once again, loading up the stroller.  I took Seth and Caleb down the road, and up the trail through the woods to the big big field.  Seth could wander around and I didn’t have to worry about him getting into a pond, running into the road, or climbing tall ladders on the swingset.

It was a lovely hour.  I want to do it again, more often.

I thought about my dreams.  I am seven months pregnant so I am very much baby minded these days, but after Sarah grows there are some things I would like to do, most of which involve traveling.  I would like to go to Prince Edward Island.  I would like to go to see Laura and Almanzo Wilder’s home in Missouri.  I would like to visit Mary Janes Farm on the fourth of July (with spazzymommy and alaskahannah).  I would like to meet Joanna on one of her photoshoots out of state.  I want to go on more day trips with my friends…Boston, New York City.  I want to learn more about sewing.  I’m not sure what else.  Rich is encouraging me to make a list of dreams.

On our way to the field, Caleb found himself a toad.  It became his friend until I became concerned for his life and had Caleb let him go free again.

Seth, still in his pajamas, but wearing socks and sneaks, had a good time wandering around in the grass.

He worked up a good appetite in no time and I was glad I had taken along some crackers, bananas, and his sippy.

I enjoyed watching the little boys play, reading an inspiring book, writing one short paragraph in my journal, and sipping on cold green tea.

What I personally need as a woman and a mother is time in my life now and then to DO NOTHING, to rest, to have some quiet.  I need quiet space in my life or the pace gets faster and faster and I get uptight.  I need time for dreaming and planning for the future, even though I’m at a stage right now when I have to be home the majority of the time.  I need to get out with friends more often. 

My sister works part time, and enjoys getting away from the house to make a little money and to be with other adults.  Getting dressed nicely and going out on a regular basis, to work, helps keep her feeling alive and strong.

My friend Joanna has her photography business to keep herself learning and growing, along with many other interests.

My mom LOVES to garden.

What about you?  I would love to hear what things you are learning about lately.  What do you need in your life to keep your mind healthy and well-balanced?  What goals do you have for the future (near or far)?  How do you keep your focus as a woman?  What interests has God given you, to keep your life worth living?

D R E A M S

Rich came home yesterday, an hour earlier than I expected him to.  He didn’t have his blackberry with him.  He was peaceful and relaxed.  We spent time outside in the sun, on the grass together.  My eyes were puffy from crying so much but he made me look at him, and he told me I was beautiful, and the tears rolled down my cheeks yet again.  I watched him play on the swingset with the children.  We went for a little walk (holding hands) around the pond with the children, we heard the toads start their springtime singing for the first time.  We watched the funny chickens and walked to the coop to fill up their feeders.  Later on, inside, he read a book to Sethie.  After the kids went to bed, he actually lounged on the couch, flopped  and stretched out, watching tv with me.  He was calmer than I’d seen him in a long time.  I felt like he was detoxing.  LOL  It relaxed me, knowing that he was at peace.

And this morning as we talked on the phone during his commute to work, we made plans for a lovely weekend.  What a difference in 24 hours.  God is merciful, full of grace and redemption. 

It’s a beautiful morning.  The children slept in, and I ate my breakfast on the porch, listening to the rain and enjoying the cool morning air.