I love pansies.

hello beautiful.

the look, the feel, the weight, the papers, the colors, the theme, the details, the potential

my name, as written by a friend who loves me

pages and pages, and more pages

a journal, made especially for me, and a letter from a most wonderful friend

Thank you dear Kara,

You blew me away with your gift. I soaked in every detail and I can’t wait to get started using it. I hardly know where to begin. I hope that someday we can sit side by side and look at it, after I’ve filled it up with my (hen) scratchings.

Speaking of which, the hen page made me unexpectedly laugh!

You are a true gem.

My family has been busy with wrestling season. David and Caleb are both wrestling on the High School team, with my husband as the head Coach. Each Saturday is spent at various gyms across Connecticut for their tournaments, and each Sunday is spent with Seth at a youth tournament.

In wrestling there is a lot of waiting, and I have been carrying around books to pass the time. I found and bought The Body, A Guide for Occupants, by Bill Bryson at the book store about a month ago and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The chapters include; “How to Build a Human”, “The Outside: Skin and Hair”, “Microbial You”, “The Brain”, “The Head”, “Down the Hatch: The Mouth and Throat”, “The Heart and Blood”, and so on.

UTTERLY FASCINATING, although not written in a spiritual perspective, I still found myself constantly praising God, often with tears in my eyes. The most thrilling for me was the continual phrase, “no one knows why, but……..”

Indeed, with all that has been discovered about the human body, there is still SO MUCH MYSTERY.

Only God alone could fashion and create something so complex that we can never understand it. I believe that even if extensive research and study continues on for another 2,000 years, Doctors and Scientists will still be baffled by one thing or another.

It’s humorous, too, to think that throughout time we have made our “discoveries”, only to find some years later that The Important Discovery ……. was…… wrong!

Ah, humility. It feels so good.

Less of me, more of Thee, dear Jesus.

But that’s not what I’m here to tell you!

I read and I read all about The Body, pages and pages worth. And one day I found myself……. (not because of the book but because of life in general)………… I found myself in tears and feeling quite “less than”. My warped little mind was telling me cruel things; “The only job you had with an actual paycheck was as a teen, picking berries. You have little value in the grand scheme of things. You’re tired. You’re done and you really don’t matter much.”

I wasn’t seeing rewards of my labors, alas, the laundry is never done, the house is never clean and any accomplishment within the home is short-lived (and only as long as the time between meals). I provide endless service with no tangible reward.

PISH POSH

While WORK, good honest WORK, has many rewards, what came to mind later on that day through the encouragement of a friend, was a reminder of who God made me to be, which is to say, not so much a worker out there in the world (NOT A BAD THING AT ALL) but chiefly, a lover, an encourager, a relationship-maker.

I’m not bragging or perfect at it. I’m a mess, really.

But isn’t that part of relationships? Sharing the mess?

I matter.

You matter.

In the last week, I have had numerous loved ones reach out to me for no reason at all but to encourage me and say hello. To touch, make a connection, remind me that I am someone special.

AND IT FELT SO GOOD, better than the 100 dollars I had in my purse recently and briefly (for wrestling concessions).

I opened a package yesterday and after looking at it and reading the letter I just sat in my chair lost in the gift of it all. “What’s wrong?” my husband asked. “I don’t know, I guess I just feel so humbled.” tears.

A letter on Facebook, texts, letter in the mail, packages in the mail, each totally unexpected!

To me, these things matter more than anything.

On Saturday, sitting in the middle of a noisy, smelly gym, I read the end of my Body book. The chapter was literally titled, “The End”. With my chin in my hand, I read about aging and how “no one knows” how to slow it down, “no one knows” the exact combination of exercise, nutrition, or lifestyle to reach the highest number of years possible before finally dying. I read about cells and the idea “that some cells possess some form of memory and can count down toward their own extermination……..”

and;

“…… a team of researchers at the University of California at San Francisco discovered that stretches of specialized DNA at the end of each chromosome called TELOMERES fulfill the role of tallying device. With each cell division, telomeres shorten until eventually they reach a predetermined length and the cell dies or becomes inactive. It was hailed as the secret of aging. Arrest the shortening of telomeres and you could stop cell aging in it’s tracks.” pg 371

(everyone got all excited until the reality settled in that there is a lot more to aging than telomere shortening, which is “only a small part of the process”.)

BUT LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!!

Three pages later, I read:

“Some people live longer than they ought to by any known measures. For example, Costa Ricans have only about one-fifth the personal wealth of Americans, and have poorer health care, but live longer. Moreover, people in one of the poorest regions of Costa Rica, the Nicoya Peninsula, live longest of all, even though they have much higher rates of obesity and hypertension. They also have longer telomeres. The theory is that they benefit from closer social bonds and family relationships. Curiously, it was found that if they live alone or don’t see a child at least once a week, the telomere length advantage vanishes. It is an extraordinary fact that having good and loving relationships physically alters your DNA. Conversely, a 2010 U.S. study found, not having such relationships doubles your risk of dying from any cause.” pg 377

(read that 10 more times)

My mind was blown, and yet, it all made perfect sense.

What is God all about? relationships
Why is sin so terrible? it ruins relationships
What makes life worth living? relationships

‘HEY, HELLO IN THERE!!!! HEY! WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT? WHATCHA GOT HERE THAT’S WORTH LIVING FOR? …………TRUE………….. LOVE………………’

(name that movie?)

On Sunday, my husband taught Sunday School. He did a wonderful job, he was bright and knowledgable and important and I was proud of him. But when the class was over, I was brought to my knees (figuratively) by someone approaching me. I was fully expecting the ever-typical “Tell your husband I loved his lesson” comment (which I am happy to hear!) but she didn’t say that. What she said was this: “Shanda, during the class I couldn’t stop looking over at you and your son. He was so sweet snuggling up next to you, it was so precious and I just had to tell you.”

What she saw was a relationship. Between a mother and a son. Eleven years (it was his birthday) of bonding. I’ve cared for this child, body, mind, and soul. I’ve poured endless love into his little life. I’ve hugged, consoled, snuggled, tucked into bed, wiped noses, nursed, calmed, soothed, understood, and provided DEVOTEDLY to him (and his six siblings) and the rewards, ah the rewards, are NOT monetary, and more priceless than gold. My reward in loving him has been in the way he has responded to my love. He wants me, he comes to me for warmth, and on his birthday he didn’t want to go to his class because he wanted to stay with his mama.

The biggest hurts in my life have been trying and trying to love people who just cannot seem to respond.

I know you understand. This is universal. This is real, this is important and we’ve all been there, experiencing the highs and lows of loving people. We’ve all made mistakes with our loved ones, but in that way we have experienced grace upon grace.

We’ve all been hurt by people, but in that way we have experienced the DISPENSING of GRACE. And, in my opinion, although it hurts like heck, giving grace is better than cutting ties.

Just think of all the times we’ve failed God, and yet He never leaves us or forsakes us.

He is my example.

If I was asked “Why do you love me so much when you know I could break your heart?”

I would say, “Because that is how Christ loves me.”

Is this all wrapped up neatly and finished with a bow? No. My words are inadequate, my life is messy, I can’t see things clearly, and yet………

…….these are my thoughts, my pondering, and I give them to you.

I love you, friends. Thank you for being here and being interested enough to read my ramblings, taking what is worth taking, and “with a breath of kindness, blowing the rest away”.

“We don’t see yet things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” I Corinthians 13

Good evening! I’m feeling fine and frisky so thought I would blog some photos from today.

First of all, the day started out amusing right off the bat because when I got up David had chocolate muffins in the oven that he made himself from scratch. The kids were all on a two hour delay because of ice but that wasn’t why he had time to bake. He had time to bake because he woke up at 1 in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. He was actually not pleased that there was a delay……..

Anyway, I was impressed by the muffins, which included sour cream and two kinds of chocolate chips. While they finished baking I turned a chair around and put it right in front of the big window in the livingroom and drank my coffee and read a Gladys Tabor book that Jo gifted me recently and watched the sun come up. Oh it was lovely. I listened as David took his muffins out and reprimanded Sarah for daring to reach a hand out to touch them, “Don’t you put your filthy finger on my muffins, I’ll get if for you myself. Mom gets the first one.”

MOM GETS THE FIRST ONE.

my heart.

He served it to me on a plate with a fork and stood there as I took my first bite.

He took some to school. He gave two of them to Sarah.

off they all went to school

And I headed to the grocery store.

Oh and guess what? I packed clothes into 8 trash bags and took them to the donate bin! It felt so good and so productive to get rid of clothing that the children haven’t worn in a long time. Why hang on to it?

The clouds were amazing.

I was sincerely admiring the outdoors all day long, however I did not get outside for a walk, even though I did put on my boots and didn’t ever take them off until after the children’s music concert tonight. (Seth pulled them off me, saying I was lazy)…….(for asking him to do it).

While waiting to take Seth and Sarah to the school, Sarah and I watched a Great British Baking show. I am so thankful for my dear cats. These two are from the same litter, Samantha is a small female calico who used to be outside all the time but this summer something happened to scare her enough that she never goes outside anymore. She uses a litter box and stays in the living room the majority of the time. Sherlock is a fat orange male and (don’t tell the others) my favorite. We call him “Loaf” because his body is like a loaf of heavy bread. Both of these cats like laps and catnip and napping all day long.

I don’t remember what made her laugh but I love this photo. She chose this dress from her closet to wear in the chorus concert and once upon a time it was her big sister’s dress. She put on a necklace and earrings, too.

This morning I had joy in my heart over tomatoes so I thought I would start a running list of things on the counter of things I liked today and then forgot to add anything else……then, at the end of the day I saw someone had filled in the rest of the paper with her own thing she liked.

I didn’t take any photos of the children at school tonight but I did take photos of BUTTONS.

Our town turned 300 this year and there was a display case at the school of notable things that came from our town…..one of which was that there used to be a button factory!!!

I just adored these buttons so had to take photos for mom and Jo and this blog entry!

Buttons By Schwanda!!!!!!!!!!

It could ALMOST be Shanda! Almost!

Please don’t call me Schwanda.

Last but not least, well it is least actually, is a photo of myself and my nose. Yesterday I had my black armoire cupboards open and I was standing there arranging things inside. When I was done, I slammed the cupboard door shut RIGHT ACROSS MY OWN NOSE. It hurt so bad I cried and went and sat on Rich’s lap.

I’ve had so many stupid little injuries lately and this is just one of them! Over the last few months I’ve deeply cut my finger and then my thumb, burned a different finger terribly on a curling iron, I swear it was third degree, damaged my ring finger knuckle and now my Tiffany rings won’t go on, scratched and scarred my arm, burned a triangle (an actual TRIANGLE) on my other arm, and got a bee sting up under my arm that took a week to heal!!!! What next. Sheesh.

I’m on the couch. Rich is at my feet trying to help Seth repair a nerf gun. Sarah is coloring with markers and listening to Chris Rice hymns on the old green ipod. Now that I’m done on the laptop we are going to eat ice cream and watch Star Trek the Next Generation. Rich and I have spent months watching every episode and we only have three left.

I love you guys.

Merry Christmasing…….. and I’ll be back as soon as I can to say hello again and hopefully brighten your day. That’s what I love to do best of all.

I was sitting in my rocking chair at 7:oo in the morning, with Rich at the table working, when my phone rang. I answered it and found my nephew on the other end, asking if he could come over and sled at my house.

And then, after I said yes and talked to my sister….my neighbor texted like he aways does to say “Let me know when your kids go outside because Jack wants to sled with them!”

All of a sudden it was a snow day and a party day both!!

Not soon enough, Amanda came over with a Venti Matcha Green tea latte for me, from Starbucks!! My absolute favorite.

We looked through my scrapbook, the one I’m currently working on.

And then we went sledding. Only the boys never did want to go out, so it was just the three of us girls.

We laughed a lot as we walked up and then sledding down the hill in front of our house.

Look how blue the sky was!

Went inside and played yahzee, and Sarah rolled her first one, in “2’s”. So we told her it was her lucky number.

Then, hymns at the piano.

A lovely day.

Friends, you are LOVED.

Happy Thursday!

“It seemed to me that Plato put it correctly when he said, ‘Our eyes can be turned toward the light as well as toward the dark. If our whole soul is turned away from this visible world toward the bright regions, then our eyes can become able to understand the Good.’ He says further, ‘Do you not believe that it is a turning round of the soul into the right direction so that the eyes may see? For we all have eyes, though we do not know where to look.’
“I found these words lightened my hopeless hours. If I turned my soul in the right direction, my eyes could see. I saw a world in which I had some infinitesimal part, and to which I had an obligation. I saw the wide gaze of children, the tender look of lovers, the warm smiles of friends. I saw a newly opened rose. I saw the effortless flying movement of the Irish on a dewy lawn and the flat-out ears of the cockers following after. I saw so many wonders it would take a lifetime to list them.
“By observing, my eyes saw the mysterious light of dawn and the still blaze of noon. I looked at the world—-and forgot myself. And I began to find some good in every day. I didn’t try to work at being happy, I worked at finding that good in every day and experiencing it fully. And, at night, I thanked God in my prayers for whatever the good had been. It might be any one of a number of things: An unexpected telephone call from a friend. A letter of warm appreciation for something I had written. A neighbor dropping in with a bouquet of pansies in midwinter (from her small greenhouse). The sudden working out of a difficult problem in my current book. The overnight blossoming of the lilies of the valley. A special picnic with dear friends who only come on week ends. The voice of my granddaughter trying to get her tongue around words. ‘Tzeez,’ she says triumphantly, meaning ‘cheese’.
“There was, I found, something in every day if I kept my eyes turned toward the light!”

Gladys Taber in Another Path, published in 1963

On Friday I had something wonderful happen. I don’t know if you remember a few years back when my husband used to have me prepare lunches now and then for his team for “off site” meetings held at our house? I met Julie during these lunch meetings. I still don’t know her very well, but I have seen her huge giving heart several times and most recently, this Friday when my husband came home with a Christmas patterned gift bag saying “This is for you, from Julie.”

The tag explained that when she was in Korea recently, she saw these little cups and THOUGHT OF ME!

Someone was in Korea and thought of me!

She remembered my fiestaware and thought these sweet little cups would look nice with them.

In the bottom of each one there is a little fish!

How dear! I promptly put them on display amongst the fiesta.

So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. James 1:17-18

you are loved.