“Dress like the bird you want to be.”
we got the assignment
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Aunt Mary
I love how you called us kindred spirits. I love how you showed me your journals and photos and art and gardens. I love that you used words like “whimsy”, and that you were silly and fun and loud. I love the way you dressed and how you came alive around people. You were a treasure. And now I smile to think of you with Jesus. I’ll see you “soon”.
Sarah is fifteen
She stayed home from school and we went to Evergreen walks to Sephora and The Paper Store (for her crown). Then the mall and crumbl cookie.
We had lilacs in the car because we love the scent and they won’t be in bloom much longer….and our two bushes at home are loaded with them.
Sarah is a darling, full of personality and joy. I am so thankful for her; I see her and am in awe of her. She’s got a good heart and a good head on her shoulders.
She had her boyfriend Cash over and also Alayna came later on and we all had pasta (made by David), cake and ice cream.
Caleb-Ethan-Seth-Cash-Sierra-Sarah-David-Aleyna
I’m writing this from the mall of all places.
Rich and took Sarah and Aleyna shopping and I’m just so tired that I decided to sit and people watch while they all wandered around having fun.
In other news, I need announce my latest grandbaby…Jacob and Brittnee had their second daughter on February 13 and named her Eloise Josephine. She’s a darling and I get to watch her and Lucy once a week for the whole day.
thoughts after the election
“Anyone who sets himself up as “religious” by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air.”
“Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption……… (examples of corruption: religious busy bodies, meanness, dirty talk, nasty sexuality, bad temper, wanting your own way, etc)……. guard against corruption from the godless world.”
“Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here’s what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly.”
“It’s the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts.”
“Mean-spirited ambition isn’t wisdom.”
“Boasting that you are wise isn’t wisdom.”
“Twisting the truth to make yourself sound wise isn’t wisdom–it’s animal cunning, devilish conniving.”
“Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats.”
“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others.”
“It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced.”
“Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time.”
“Purify your inner life.”
“Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out.”
-book of James
And then, rise and shine.
***********
I imagine a woman, poor in spirit, broken and struggling, used and abused, pregnant over and over, multiple abortions…….seeing a poor soul lying homeless and suffering on the streets calling for someone to help them, the self-righteous are walking by, over and over, they are on their way to church, or a political rally, busy with “importance” but she, with her little, reached out a hand to help. Sat down by the poor soul’s side, stayed and listened, loved.
I imagine a person with set-in-stone morals and ethics. Nothing would sway them from their beliefs. They work hard and make money, and are involved in church or politics. Meanwhile their own precious child is crying and lonely and emotionally neglected.
The lonely might sit in a church every sunday but find their comfort and sincere friendship from beautiful strangers — deep, thinking. creative, full-of-life humans who come from anywhere, perhaps a drag queen, a gay person, addict, perhaps someone in deep poverty, and the lonely are shown mercy and grace from God, through that generous soul.
(every good and perfect gift is from above)
In fact, I know of a woman who was actively using her body as a prostitute, when she took action to help God’s spies escape, she believed and acted; her name lives on in the Scriptures. RAHAB
A handicapped person faithfully volunteering their time to help others, while receiving practically nothing in return from whole-bodied people, not even a look or a glance.
A child, skipping through Trader Joe’s, handing out flowers after her dad paid for them. I witnessed this with my own eyes, and I would rather be that child today than involved in today’s seemingly cut throat political arena and media reporting.
Give to the government what is the government’s, your vote, your taxes, but live the life you are meant to live.
Look for a way to help someone else. Spread kindness. Heal and be healed.
Listen to your heart, see with it, and take action when you are able. Keep what you do to yourself. These are your pearls. But give a loud testimony of what you see someone else doing. Light hearts on fire with stories of crystal clear and joyful goodness.
You won’t find most of God’s most beautiful people easily, you have to search them out, because they are the ones that are almost completely hidden, ordinary and plain, quiet to the point of silence, exhausted, yet glowing with that certain something in the eyes.
taking joy
It’s Friday. A golden September day. Leaves just beginning to slowly fall from some of the early changing trees outdoors. My life is full. My heart is full. There have been some significant discoveries in my life over the last month. I had covid in August and I just couldn’t shake it. I began to get weak, so weak that I could not do stairs without having breathing difficulties, I was very sick. I started wondering if it was long covid, so I went to the doctors. I was so sick that I cried throughout the appointment. My heart was racing fast. He had me do breathing exercises but it made no difference. I was truly miserable. Hot all the time, weak, shaking, sweating, and no energy or mental clarity to do much more than what I had to do in a day. I never gave up though. When the blood results came back the doctor called me that morning at 8:30. He asked me if I had any family members with thyroid problems and I said yes, my mother and aunts and some cousins all had been diagnosed and put on medicine. And he told me that I had hyperthyroid and to start taking the medicine that day. It’s been a little less than a month and I feel better than I have in a long time. Rich and I wonder if my thyroid has been acting up for years……it would explain a lot. I don’t have any regrets though. I can see God’s hand guiding me along and always remember that beautiful Bible phrase…..”at just the right time”……at just the right time God will show and reveal and give grace and move and guide. And yes, even each moment is a blessing-moment from above. My bare feet on the floor, the oversized striped shirtdress that I bought myself yesterday making me feel cute, the sounds of my son moving in his bedroom, the anticipation I feel knowing that the other kids will be coming home from school soon, on and on it goes.
My husband honoring me (briefly, during an introductory talk he gave) at work yesterday, and I was there in the front row next to Ethan. Bringing people to tears with his kind and loving words. The way it made me feel so loved and cherished once again, by my husband of almost 29 years (in three days). The sunshine sky above us as we had lunch together. Visiting his office, looking around the room at the many family photos he had printed on canvas. Our little ones.
I’m in my grandma era. Brittnee gave me a sweatshirt for christmas that says so. I wore it last night because the nights are getting cooler. I miss the babies because they have gone on vacation together with their parents over the last week. How lovely it is to receive texts and photos on a daily basis. Lucy and Rorric dipping their toes in the ocean, the bright happy smiles of Jacob and Brittnee, and Brogan and Grace……I love that they can spend time and make memories together.
Ethan and Sierra are doing so well….they have been married for over a year now. They have a dog named Winter. I love them so much.
Caleb is in his second year of college at Liberty University. My darling son.
Seth is in 10th grade, Sarah in 9th. They even have a couple classes together this year. It seems to have given them something to bond over. I love hearing them ask each other about their work and teachers and assignments. Seth is playing football and Sarah is cheerleading; first game tonight! These two younger ones are now 14 and 15 and bring me so much delight and laughter in a day.
As for me, I am taking joy wherever I can reach for it. By God’s grace I don’t ever have to reach far, and often the joy just falls into my hands effortlessly. All this from thyroid medicine! I have to laugh at the difference it has made in my life….so thankful. I have energy again. I feel 10 years younger. Whether good or bad times, God has a way of working in our hearts and minds that makes use of the moments and days and years.
I read books, I feather my nest, enjoy nature, keep close to my circle of friends, went on a trip to NYC with Joanna last week, I cook and clean, and I’m saying and enthusiastic yes to life…..the life God gave to me, eternal life that in some ways began the day I was born and will never end.
PS, oops one more family member to write about—I realized after I posted that I didn’t mention Dave. So here I am to remedy the oversight. David is home and doing great. He’s working for fed ex and is also very helpful when I need an extra driver to run errands. he has a girlfriend named Natalie and she’s a wonderful girl.
the fourth of a tail
It’s hot and humid and sticky here in New Hampshire. The cabin has every fan running, everyone is slow and sleepy. Rich and I are here for a couple weeks with the three youngest kids. I also brought my best friend cat Sammie. She’s driven here with me before, and we get such joy watching her be the only cat in the family away from her three cat-mates back home in Connecticut. She stretches out in sunbeams, perfectly relaxed, goes inside and outside and finds many favorite napping locations and plays with her several catnip toys. She rubs up against our legs and purrs constantly. We all love having her here.
Sammie’s peaceful New Hampshire life ended when the rest of the family, plus the Winter the dog, belonging to Ethan and Sierra, arrived on the 3rd. No matter if she’s home or at the New Hampshire cabin, Sam is always fearful and hostile of Winter. She kept to herself on the windowsill however, until that evening when Seth decided to pick her up and carry her across the kitchen. The rest of us were in the living room visiting and talking, but when Winter saw what Seth was doing she playfully ran over to him, hopping up and down trying to tease Sammie. Sam’s tail was unfortunately just within reach and when Winter snapped at it, she went crazy in Seth’s arms and flew away across the room, all of us adding to the chaos with our own sounds of alarm. Yelling at Seth, grabbing Lucy off the floor, trying to calm Winter down. Sammie ran right at me and then away, leaving two small but deep scratches on my legs. It was a chaotic moment to say the least, and then Sarah said “What is that on the floor??” I looked out into the kitchen and saw a little pile of black. “It’s Sammie’s fur!” Said Seth, and as Sam raced upstairs I saw that the last fourth of her tail was now just a thin pink blood covered bone. The fur was pulled off, along with all the skin. I was so upset. We passed the night with Sam in our room dripping blood from her tail as she restlessly went from bed to floor to table to windowsill and everywhere else, it was very disturbing. Rich and I spent time that next morning of the 4th wiping up cat blood with Clorox wipes because who can bandage and staunch the flow of blood from the end of a cat’s tail? I began calling it her “red paintbrush” but honestly my nerves were on edge what with the house full of family and now an injured best friend cat to feel sorry for.
And so it was that on the Fourth of July, Sierra and I took Sam to get a fourth of her tail taken off at an emergency vet in Meredith. Our appointment was at 8pm and the crowds gathering for fireworks were immense. We got Sam settled at her appointment, signed the papers, and passed the time by going to get ice cream at Ben and Jerry’s along with one hundred other people……
Sam made it through just fine, and we brought her back home on Serra’s lap in her cardboard box of a cat carrier, watching the fireworks out the windows, and sitting in traffic for lengths of time.
She’ll spend the rest of her life with a shortened tail, but she’s still so pretty in my eyes.
Sammie’s paperwork
Right now she’s hiding in a cupboard in the bathroom. She doesn’t want to be anywhere near the dog. And who can blame her?
We have a new story to tell every Fourth of July.
PS it was also Brogan’s birthday (our son in law) Happy Birthday Brogan!!
Sarah is fourteen
Happy birthday darling!
Mama loves you.
I choose you.
I want you.
I celebrate you.
I respect you.
Friday
Today I was tired most of the day. But very content. Rich had the day off and Grace and Brogan are here from PA. Grace has a big pregnant tummy and looks healthy and glowy. Brittnee texted me that Lucy’s check up went well but they both cried over the shots which I found very charming. Lucy has almost doubled her birth weight. I slept until almost nine this morning and when I got up Grace was making homemade biscuits and sausage gravy. Seth immediately asked me to contact Peg about when he could go to church for community service (he and Sarah had no school). Rich made me coffee and started wrestling Seth. Grace didn’t know where anything was in the kitchen so that became my purpose, and then Sarah started asking me things too so naturally my brain short circuited. I waved my white flag and took my coffee into my room to watch Crazy Lamp Lady, which is a “thrift to flip for a profit” show that I like. I was pleased to solve a mystery that I had of a small clay figurine I found a while ago which she said was a Story teller doll. They are collectible figurines of mothers with different numbers of children hanging off them ready to listen to a story. So now I know how to list mine!
Grace and Brogan left at 1 this afternoon to go visit Jacob and Brittnee and Lucy and they are still there now. David went to visit Natalie. When I saw what was happening I said ”Rich it’s just going to be you and me and Sarah this afternoon what are we going to do?” And he said “Figure out how to get rid of Sarah?“. Ha ha ha ….We took her to lunch with us instead. It was a grand ol’ time. Sarah’s a good sport to be spending so much time with her parents now that the older ones are often doing their own things.
But like I said I’ve been tired all day. Headache and sleepy. I took advil and that helped for a while. I remember when I was in my twenties I used to have insomnia often and I absolutely love that I’m a good sleeper now. I slept so heavy last night. With vivid dreams.
It’s 9pm now and I just pulled a homemade banana oat quick bread from the oven and am waiting for the brownies to finish baking. Tomorrow I am having any old child or my husband do the shopping for the Easter feast which will be a shrimp platter, deli platter, cheese tray, roast beef, and two roasted chickens along with boiled baby potatoes and green beans.
Good night dear friends! I love you!
-Shanda
PS, want some banana bread?
oozing love
“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”
I didn’t go to church yesterday because I needed a mental health day. Maybe my busy life caught up with me. I have a lot on my mind. A mixed salad so to speak, with my family and my work and my life, and I am the sort who needs to think (and write) about things. And I know that when I have a struggle, I’m not alone. Some of the struggles I find myself dealing with are painful. And ultimately I think “if I am not alone in dealing with this then I want to learn all about it so I can help my friends if they find themselves in this place.” I study, and search. There are a lot of issues “out there” which I have shied away from because they are so controversial. The pain of the controversy ends up being more painful than I can bear. Injustice seems like a wall that never breaks down. But my heart wants to learn and grow and puff and ooze with tender love. Strong love.
I am always on the side of humanity.
I am always on the side of Christ.
I stand with Christ and the human. I stand with myself.
I am not firmly planted on the side of any issue. I can understand how people are gloriously complex, and I’ve heard enough stories to know that there are always pathways and reasons and journeys to whatever destination we find ourselves at in any particular moment. And then a lot of times we even change. It’s fluid and beautiful, growth.
What I never stand on is the side of the self righteous, the ones who are so narrow minded that they think their belief or opinion is the Only Right One. I don’t stand with patterned ongoing abusive behavior that leaves victims half dead on the side of the road. True evil is bent on trying to destroy peace and love.
True love is stopping to lift up the half dead and hurting people.
I have high hopes and dreams for people. I want to see people regulating their nervous systems, healing their trauma, and feeling safe enough to nurture children instead of neglecting them. The children are our future. Not a cliche but the truth. They deserve to be brought up feeling loved and taught to serve (to lift up). Brought up so carefully and thoughtfully that they don’t have to put in years of healing when they are adults.
My son found himself with the task of having to complete forty hours of community service.
These hours have changed his life. And changed our family, too, as we witnessed him working and serving his “giat” off (I don’t even know how to spell it but I’ve had it aimed at me more than once). This weekend he found himself taking food to people through the cold rain, to their cars, for five hours. He came home soaked. Last weekend he found himself with a group of all different older men, he couldn’t even laugh at their jokes as they cooked corn beef and cabbage supper together, because he was too young to “get them”. But he grew bigger in self confidence and learned a lot as he rubbed shoulders with them. “Mom I sliced ALL the corned beef myself.”
I realized more about my precious child as he explained that he “hated working at the library because it’s so quiet and they had me dusting books and it was never ending over and over and I got SAD.”
Like, I knew this child wasn’t a fan of libraries but to feel actual feelings of sadness and hatred…..I mean, that’s something.
He is a man of action, working busily in teams made up of other active people like him. This is where he thrives.
A day with nothing to do is quite a mountain for that one.
And I think about how I have ten children (teenagers and adults) and one grandbaby (also another one coming soon) and how different each of them are inside and out and how my brain at some point (even now) is going to get tired and I’m going to have to stand on a single life principle as the matriarch of my growing tribe of decendents.
Something to live for.
Something that tells them that they can always come to me and my home for warmth and a grilled cheese sandwich. A snuggle, a talk, or just to be left alone to nap or whatever the heck they need.
(We all have needs that deserve to be met).
What will I be wearing when they come close to me? (Besides the neon hello kitty socks)?
I will be wearing love.
I pray to God I’ll be oozing it.
“We don’t see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through the mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly has He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” 1Cor13
guess what?
Good to be Home 