“My husband and I have been sad to see some middle-aged to older couples have very sad things happen between them after their children are gone. A few we know have divorced…or seem to live very separate lives with separate interests. They have nothing in common without their kids! What is the KEY to avoiding this?”
Good to be Home 
I am so glad this question got posted! The same issue has been bothering me for a long time. Looking forward to responses from “seasoned” married women…
This is something my husband and I are trying to avoid now while we are young with 2 toddlers…we go on regular date nights, we keep our bedroom OURS, our children have early bedtimes so we have time with eachother each night, we serve together at our church (not in the children’s ministry!)….I’m excited to come back and read what others have to say!
While raising children takes a lot of time and energy, it is important that you make time for each other. You should do things alone together, and keep growing and working on your relationship. Keep communicating and sharing even if you have to pay a babysitter and get out of the house to do it. Remember that your children are with you temporarily, but you and your spouse are together for always.
Carving out time for each other regularly, by yourselves, must be a priority. Time with children is very important, but time for each other cannot be put on the back burner until the children are raised, or by that time, couples almost forget how to talk to each other. Do special or unspecial things together ~ just be together. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Continue to flirt with each other, even into old age. Hold hands a lot. Children need to see that their parents care about and are committed to each other. Your relationship is worth whatever effort it takes to keep it fresh and growing stronger.
I think date nights and time together when the children go to bed is important. Mike and I try to get away for a night or two around our anniversary–it doesn’t happen every year–but we go somewhere fun and eat out, go to the movies and swim at the hotel pool–things we don’t get to do regularly. Sometimes we are so tired when the kids go to bed that we just watch a little tv together-but at least we are together and I think that is the key. I am looking forward to other responses, I know I can learn even more.
I agree that date nights are so very important. Couples need to carve out that time to be together. Take up a hobby together such as hiking, camping, or even antiquing. Enjoy that precious time when you are together alone. Nurture your relationship and you will find yourself falling more and more in love with each other.
Dh and I have been married 28 years, and he has always insisted on a weekly datenight. It may not be expensive, it may just be out to eat at an order at the front restaurant, and then a leisurely trip to perhaps Fry’s electronics, the mall if needed, Target for basics, and maybe a nice ending at Whole Foods in their coffee area. (We have a huge Whole Foods with booths, pretty music etc.) It’s just fun being out together and being able to just talk and contemplate. I dress up too! I like to wear what dh likes. So it’s funny, we’ll be at Target and I’m in my skirt and heels and he’s in his dress trousers almost every week around 9p.m. He may have to go to his electronics playground while I’m picking up personal products or granola bars but we meet back up in the front with our two baskets once again! He will joke with the checker and say…”I’ll pay for the lady’s things behind me too.” LOL
And ya know? …I used to wonder how things would be later…And now that our dds are 25, 23, 18 and 14 there are days the kids are all out at a various activity, and it’s just a “Me and You Kid” type of feel. It’s a very secure feeling, it’s like we have been best friends for years…even through disagreements and the thick and thins of life…we love each other with a very, very deep and strong love that goes beyond anything. It’s okay on those “Me & You Kid” days. It’s okay, and it’s a relief to know that yes, we still have fun together. : )
Make sure and invest the time in your marriage. Communication is the key. Perhaps a walk together. Even a getaway night or coffee date right at home after the children are in bed. That will work too. : ) But you must PLAN it. And don’t forget a nap on those days!
Also prayer together DAILY. We pray together before we go to bed at night. We’ve always done that.
God is Faithful, I can attest to that. Praise His name! xxxooo ~Amelia
I have been keeping up with these questions for quite awhile but have never commented…probably mostly because I am young and single. I do want to share however, what I have observed in my parents. There are six of us and we are all young adults (14-21) living at home right now. My mom is an expert at always putting dad first and giving him as much attention as possible…much to our dismay at times. 😉 She continues to throw herself wholeheartedly into helping him with whatever project he is working on rather than coming up with seperate tasks. They go on “dates” (shopping, to dinner, to bid a job, etc.) very often.Now, this does make for a house that is not always clean and organized but I have no fears that their relationship will be in trouble when we all leave. In fact it will probably thrive without all of us in their way…:)Christina
We have children at home with special needs, so finding babysitters isn’t easy and that makes having a routine “date night” out of the question. What we do, is find snippets of time to visit and share our day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. It may be while he changes clothes after work and I sit and talk to him. The children know a closed door is a “don’t bother Mom & Dad, unless the house is on fire or someone is bleeding” rule!!!!We use cell phones to keep in touch throughout our day. We are very different in interests and personalities, but our biggest interest is God and we share that together. Since our children aren’t *first* in our life, we will miss them when they are gone, but hopefully our relationship will remain intact and continue with lots of talks. Our children see us act silly and “in love” and we hope they carry that with them into their own marriages.One of my favorite things about Jesse is that he loves to talk as much as me!
I think it’s important to make that special time for one another even as kids are small. Don’t neglect one another because of the business of life.. make those date nights and times to just sit and talk to one another and share your dreams and visions.
When our children were small, they were the center of our attention. As they grew older and more independent, DH received more and more attention from me as well as the children. We have been married 18 years now, and with this natural progression, he hasn’t felt slighted at all. We have watched many of our friends and neighbors drift apart, and found that the common thread between them was they put all their energies into their jobs, children, and outside interests, and forgot about each other.
I think everyone gets the “key.” Thes kids can’t be first. This is so hard for us homeschoolers to remember. After all, you homeschool and stay at home moms (and a few dads) are “committing” your lives to your children. When that happens it is hard to grasp the fact that the spousal relationship is still the primary relationship (after all – how did you get them kids anyway).
My hot wifey and I have been contemplating a quiet house. Our kids are 13 and 15. That leaves less than 5 years with a kid in the house. The thought of it is difficult to comprehend. Especially for her. She has homeschooled the kids all the way through. I think the transition will be more difficult for her (duh!). A good job or a work of meaning will be important when the day comes. Idleness is a killer when it comes to thoughts.
God Bless – and keep the Lord in the center!!
I think most who commented have it down! It has been said and I think it is SO true that the greatest thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse. They need to see this in everyday life. Our children are not our first priority – our spouse is. And that doesn’t mean we will neglect our children, it just means our hearts are first toward our husbands and we will carve out time for them as well as our children. Younger children need earlier bedtimes so the two of you have some time. Hubby should help with bedtimes to allow this. Even older children should know to respect the times when the two of you are conversing and closed doors mean respected privacy.
Another thing that comes to my mind is showing courtesy and kindness to your spouse, both in tone of voice and actions. We had over 53 years together and our children always knew our relationship was top priority and have many times thanked us for our example to them. Although my husband is no longer living, I see the same principles mirrored in our children and it gives me pleasure.
Just a few additions. We were too poor to do date nights and I had to be careful not to start resenting it that others could. Romance has always come in the more day to day, nonforced stuff of life. Doing little caring things for each other (like Christina’s mom) that puts him first, and before the kids. He gives flowers me for no reason. Paln special times with detail. My DH could write a book on how to be a romantic husband! Let the other one have his own space…you don’t have to be included in everything. Let him golf/surf/fish/hunt/ and do guy stuff. That leaves you to be the “hey baby, I’m your woman” feminine stuff. It is not manipulation, it is tender growth based on the reality of our scriptural roles. Speaking good words to each other, careful admirations that honor the others character and honors and builds him up for life is irresistible. Let the other always know that “he/she is the only one for me” on a continual habitual verbal and nonverbal basis. We hold hands all the time and get asked if we are newly weds….so touching is important. Letting yourselves laugh together, cry together, dream still together is important. Be each other’s best most forgiving friend. Do all of this before the kids leave and you won’t wonder who in the world this person is I am all alone with now. Beauty is fleeting, honoring the Lord together lasts and you become a woman of greater value than many pearls.
this is such a great question. I can see how easily this could become a problem. We moms (and dads too) get so into “kid mode” that we hardly know ourselves once they are out of the house. I don’t know the ‘answer’ but for us, we have always had things we enjoy together like going for walks, playing cards with friends, camping, hiking, archery, and traveling (road trips). We also have things we like to do apart from each other and we have things we would much rather do as a family.
As hard as it is, we always tell our kids “Dad and I were here first, you are a welcome addition to this family but you do not ‘run’ this ship” lol! When my husband comes home from work and all the kids greet him, they know it is mom and dad time. We sit on the couch or at the kitchen table for 10-15 minutes and talk about the day. The children know, they will have their turn but this is mommy and daddy time so they go and play or do something. Then, after dinner (and during dinner too) is “kid time” where they can chat about their day and talk with us. I think it helps the kids define some boundries of the parents vs. the children.
We have also made our bed/ bedroom a reteat for mommy and daddy only. I know people really have different ideas here but for us, we have never allowed our children to sleep in our bed, that is a special place for just mommy and daddy. If they are sick or have a bad dream, we have a sleeping bad on the floor next to the bed where they are always welcome to sleep (I have been known to join a sick child down by the sleeping bag :)).
We also go on regular dates and pour into our relationship with each other. It is not always easy to find that balance but it is SO important.
As everyone has said…carve out some time together. Have some common interests. Our boys are all very affectionate….they say it is our fault so I expect they have seen and experienced being loved up. We led a marriage group at church recently and watched some wonderful DVD’s together. Had fellowship, worship, and prayer. It is wonderful, even after 30 years we had new things we were learning about the Lord’s intent with marriage. New words to say to each other….reminders about what we were learning. Encouraging words to one another make a difference. We need to let our spouses know that we appreciate them and all they do. Early in marriage I commented about not getting into that joking about our spouse…..like they are a weight….my husband took that to heart, and often will talk to other men about how they speak about their wife. The world gets into that putting down the spouse and it is not biblical….God intends our marriages as Christians to reflect Christ and the church! We still have disagreements over things….but it is almost like the disagreements are outside of our relationship with one another. I don’t know how to explain that….except to say that giving those disagreements and hurts into the Lord’s hands….not trying to control them, or let them ruin your relationship with your spouse or your peace with God, makes a huge difference.
Just as Shanda mentioned in her last post the hormonal ups and downs during preg., there are some emotional ups and downs during premenopause and menopause. My husband wondered recently if men were not being caring and supportive enough of their wives during this time, and if that led to some breakups in later years. Not exactly something we ladies can tell them to do….be supportive that is. But I have always tried to communicate when I “feel” more sensitive and ask for help during those times. Maybe that helps so that my “menfolk” (my husband and boys)do not take it personally when I am not as strong and more needy. Praying for the Lord’s help again. We need to remember to constantly ask God to help us with our relationship, as well as all that is going on in our lives.
At our 30th anniv. dinner we did discuss some hopes and dreams for the future. That is a good idea….what will life look like in our future together. blessings, Jenny
Above all, put God first, your husband second, and the kids next. I’ve only been married for 6 years but Jeremy and I have seen this happen to many couples, christian and non christian. I would simply encourage couples to MAKE time to do things as you did in the beginning–go out on dates, do things you enjoy together, and do things with your spouse that they enjoy, but do something that is even much more intimate and pray together. I find this is when I feel so close to my husband. Keep on remembering why you fell in love with your husband, why you wanted to grow old with him, write it down, keep adding to the list, keep falling in love with eachother as you change and mature. Keep talking and communicating your love for eachother. Ask for God’s guidance in all these things and more.
All our eleven years of marriage we have lived on the farm and our family has been together all the time. Now that my husband has an off farm job we have had huge adjustments what with schedules, time together for just us and with the children. We keep in contact by cell phone during the day and when he is home and working on the farm I try to drop everything I need to when he calls for something. The other night I put the children to bed and took his supper out to the field and rode the tractor with him while he ate.(My SIL stayed at the house with the children)
For us right now, dates nights are far and few between but we make an effort to work together. We have a common goal for our personal lives and our children so we are committed to sticking together through this rough time. My husband has taken to telling me how well I’m holding things together at home and I do try not to burden him with things I can take care of while he’s away.
When we get married, our dreams get somewhat changed to the reality of duty. Which is most important? My dreams or my calling as a wife? Dreams may fuel my soul but a good relationship with my husband requires reality.
Shanda trust God and pray about this and fnd your answeres in him not in all of the advice from others. God will give you the grace and the strength and comfort your needs in every walk of life.
I would stop thinking about when and what is going to happen when your children are grown and gone and focus on the here and now. ( You will have another 19 years with children at home with you so why are you so set on these questions now?)
“But seek first the kingdom of God nad His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” MATTHEW 6: 33,34
I love you but these questions about how to deal with grown children and how to love your husband and stay connected to him after your children are gone seem as if you are worried and fearful of the future for no reason.
no worries friend, it’s good and right to know how to love children and husband at any stage — and I don’t think you’ve given the impression that you’re living in the future, but you very much live in the today and moment and love them right where you are. your heart is obvious, you want to learn from older women who have gone before and glean from their wisdom just as the Bible teaches us to~ these questions you’ve had stem from many of us who are younger and wonder about the future, not out of fear, but out of wanting to sew now the good and best in our loved ones so that in the future what we will reap will be as unto the Lord.~ I’ve enjoyed reading the ‘older’ womens comments. I often think of the future, yet very much live in my days, every moment, not fearing for the future. I know you do as well — I see that in your life even here. Keep it up, keep gleaning, keep dreaming, keep wondering and hoping and loving and caring how you can best benefit your loved ones this very moment, and in the years to come.Thank you for these older women question times. They are not out of worry, but out of love, and blessings to you for being willing to want to know not only how to love your family now, but how to prepare your heart to do all you can to love them as they go, and grow and leave.lys
@annamanda –
I’m so sorry if it seemed like this was from ME. Remember, these “Dear Older Lady” questions are not from me, they are from young women on xanga who have messaged me their own personal questions. I want to keep the women protected, so I do not share their names. The “Dear Older Lady” questions come every Monday. . . . .and are based on Titus 2.
Dates, consistent times of intimacy, discussions about things other than the kids, bills, etc. Your relationship with your husband is MORE important than your role of being a parent.
We’ve been married 27 years and one of my visions is to have an even more dynamic marriage when all the children are gone then we do now. Like everything else, it doesn’t happen by default; you have to have a vision and then create goals that meet that vision. You can’t just say “I want to have a living marriage”, you have to be proactive in it. One thing that will steal your relationship with your husband is to have a child-centered home. It is very important that children realize they are not the most vital person in your life…your husband is. We have made it very clear to our kids that their dad is the king, I’m the queen and they fall somewhere under that. Our kids are old enough to laugh about it now, but they understand the concept. It is important to have regular date nights; we have always made a deal that on our date nights we do not talk about the kids. We talk about us, our dreams, visions, etc. It is also vital to get away for a night or two or three. 🙂 I realize that when the children are able to fend for themselves, it is easier. Even if we are just at home together, we do not let the kids interrupt our conversation. Sometimes we just take our cups of coffee to the two rocking chairs on the front porch and just be together.
It is so extremely sad to see couples get divorced after so many years together…I know God is sad with that kind of selfishness.