Here’s another great question for you experienced mothers, from a young xanga mommy!
“This could be for anyone with multiple children of older ages. How do you deal with sibling squabbling? Mine are 2.5 and 5 years old, and their constant fighting drives me INSANE! I don’t know if there’s something I can do to cut down on it (I try to teach them to be loving toward each other, harder for the 2 yr. old to understand though) or if it’s inevitable, in which case, how to I deal w/o going absolute crazy and end up yelling at the kids?”
Good to be Home 
This is such a great questioin!! We have an 8 year old and twin 6 year olds so the age gap is about the same as the one who asked the question. We go through spurts. In the summer with everyone home, we are finding they sqabble a bit more then during the school year. I try to reward then when they are NOT fighting ~ and showing kindness.
This is a wonderful question. We have a 9 year old, 8 years old, and a 6 year old. I totally agree that summer brings out the squabbles much more! We have trying to teach our kids that they are to be eachothers best friends! I don’t allow them to play with other friends until they have proven they can be kind and be friends to oneanother. I have also found that sometime they do need to just have their own space and quiet time. This normally gives them time to calm down. Teaching them what the Bible says about fighting as well and that it grieves the Lord as well as mommy and daddy has made an impact over the years. Letting them know they need to get along not just because the fighting and arguing make mom crazy, but because it is wrong and displeasing to God.
One more thing…rewarding them for getting a long! Making a big deal about how much fun it is when no one is fighting or being mean to one another! I am constantly finding myself saying,”See how much fun this is when you are fighting?!? And you know that it isn’t just mommy that’s happy…;esus is so pleased right now seeing you getting along and doing right!”
Some kids love playing with their siblings, but there are times when they need a break from each other. After the first and second times of telling them to “stop fussing and get along” the first thing (before any teaching can happen) is to separate them. You know, like a boxing match. You go to your corner of the room and you go to yours. Play there quietly and alone for a specific amount of time.( a hour hour!) This isn’t exactly “time out”, they still get to play, just “time out from each other for awhile”. Go to your room and play quietly and you go to this part of the living room and play quietly. Look we all get sick and tired of being with someone day in and day out and need a break. They do as well. After they have calmed down they begin to learn the value of friendship start appreciating the privlege of playing with each other.
The value of learning forgiveness out loud is an important element to sibling arguments. You can’t force hugs, (hand shakes will work) but teaching them to face their sib and say out loud, “I forgive you for ….(it is important for them to say what they forgive them for)….stealing my toy….not sharing…..hitting me….calling me a bozo…..etc etc. Then praying together with mom or dad for them to “love one another” forgiving one another”, be kind to one another” is so crucial. Then don’t let them continue to talk about it. “But she hit me,” he may say. “Yes and you have forgiven her remember” We don’t need to bring it back up.
We taught a song to our kids (actually one of the kids made it up) that went to “Be ye kind one to another, tender hearted forgiving one another.” I can still hear Michael’s sweet voice singing that after all these years. We would start singing it when the little squabbles began. BTW we had six kids for the ones who don’t know. My adults kids are now each other’s best friends. Blessings and love in SC
That was supposed to be a HALF an hour. (really granny!)
I once ordered a tape by Dr. James Dobson entitled “Teaching Children to be Kind.” I thought I was going to hear some great strategy. Basically, he said you teach them to be kind by not allowing them to be unkind. Treating a sibling (or anyone!) in a dishonoring way is not pleasing to God. We need to be constantly encourging our children to show love, kindness and respect for one another. We need to model that behavior as well. When I taught school, I never allowed name calling or dishonoring behavior. I told the children that in our classroom, we would respect one another and encourage each other. I rewarded the good behavior and showed them how to turn wrong behavior around. My own girls are nearly six years apart in age, but they always got along quite well. When they would have a disagreement, I would bring them together and ask, “Hannah, (or Abby) do you love your sister?” Thankfully, the answer was always YES! Then I would ask, “How can we make this right? What needs to change? What has been done that isn’t honoring?” We would talk it out and come up with a solution. I know this doesn’t work as well with little ones, but you still begin the training then. Older children can learn to show mercy and grace to the younger ones. Showing kindness and respecting others must be stressed at all times.
I am trying hard to think back when mine were that age and I don’t remember all that well…I know that distraction and keeping them occupied helped when they resorted to squabbling to get what they wanted, or perhaps to get my attention – and I guess time out…but above all else much prayer in the situation – Lord what do I do now, how do I reach the heart of my child, give me your heart and help me to be patient – hold back the forces of evil that tempting them to squabble…don’t talk to them more than absolutely essential until you have let God change your own heart and you are able to talk to them lovingly and sweetly. And of course an incentive to do good is far better than just negative consequences for doing wrong…a chart with a reward over maybe 5 days, or whatever length of time is appropriate might be helpful. For the younger child it might need to be a chart and stars given at each mealtime, or by the hour, for the older child the time can be spaced out appropriately…but then also make sure the reward is given! We need to never forget that it is our example, how we act in these situations that the children learn from and copy in the end. Ask God to give them repentant hearts…I prayed that much right after the situation when mine were very young, and I remember many times God would bring repentance to their 3 and 4 yr old hearts…and even to this day as I pray. Mother’s have the most amazing source of help – God is always with us if we will remember to ask Him what to do!
Love Between Brothers and SisterWhatever brawls disturb the street There should be peace at home.Where sisters dwell and brothers meetQuarrels should never come.Birds in their little nests agreeAnd ’tis a shameful sight,When children of one familyFall out and chide and fight.Hard names at first and threatening wordsThat are but noisy breath,May grow to clubs and naked swordsTo murder and to death.The devil tempts one mother’s sonTo rage against another,So wicked Cain was hurried on’Till he had killed his brother.The wise will let their anger coolAt least before ’tis night,But in the bosom of a foolIt burns ’till morning light.Pardon, O Lord, our childish rageOur little brawls remove,That as we grow to riper ageOur hearts may all be love.~ by Isaac WattsWe had our children memorize this along with other scripture. Whenever there was a quarrel, we sat them down and had them recite it. We tried to let the children work out their issues but did not allow them to quarrel and fight. Teaching biblical kindness takes time and diligence, and often many years, but is so worth the time. Every incident is another opportunity to direct them back to the golden rule, and “What would Jesus do?”
I have an almost 6yo (August 5) and a 7yo & 8yo set of daughters. Very close in age, very competitive amongst themselves, and I HATE IT!!! If they can’t work it out (which I allow them to attempt, first), I do what another mother suggested – separate them. But, I do it for longer periods of time where they must play alone in different rooms. We call it, “I have no sisters.” They can barely stand it. My most drastic measure has been separation for a whole day. Afterward, we talk about the fact they are blessed to have each other, and, when Dad & I are long dead and gone, they will be all they each have left. We tell them we want their adult relationships to be solid and their adult families to be close knit. We DO teach Bible character traits that are desirable, but sometimes (at their age and due to some mental problems in 2 of the 3 children) it’s hard to listen to my many words or “lectures.” That’s the last thing I want to do, lecture my children. So, my words are quick and well chosen to make a point and include what GOD expects.One child needs more alone time than the others (the middle child) and she was recently given her own room. She uses that “alone space” privilege on occasion, but would rather be with her sisters 90% of the time.The only other tactic I have used is VERY immature, but effective. I act like they do. When I hear a whispered, “I’m gonna tell” . . . I start running towards them and say, “NO! *I’m* gonna tell. *I’m* gonna tell. *I’m* gonna tell, first! You can’t tell cause *I’m* gonna tell.” They look at me like I’m an idiot and then I stop and tell them, “That’s how you sound to me. Do I sound pleasant?” If the youngest whines – I start the same high-pitched whine, “I donnnnnn’t liiiiiike it when you tallllk liiiiike thiiiiis!” The same child jumps up and down when she doesn’t get what she wants. So I jump up and down and tell her, “But you HAVE to do ‘such and such’ because I’m the parent and you’re the child!” VERY immature on my part, but effective. They can immediately see HOW their behavior looks. And who wants to look bad? I rarely hear, “I’m gonna tell” anymore!On the other flip side of my immature behaviorial example (!!!) I believe you have to be very specific when telling them what you DO expect. The volume or tone of voice you DO expect them to use, etc. Telling them “no that’s not right” and not telling them what *IS* right, isn’t fair. They are still learning and parents are their God-given teachers and examples. Having said that, I must also say, “BE THEIR EXAMPLE.” USE MANNERS AT HOME!!! THE TONE OF VOICE YOU WANT THEM TO USE – USE IT AT HOME. TREAT YOUR SPOUSE AND YOUR CHILDREN THE WAY *YOU* WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO TREAT OTHERS.
This is some very practical advice that someone gave me. My children are 12, 8, 7, 4, 9 months, baby on the way. I do believe the above advice is a must too. We need to get kindness into their hearts and minds. One thing I tell my children is if we love others we lay down our lives for them (just as Jesus did). The I tell them we need to bless them with an action of service. I ask them to ask the other child “What can I do to serve you at this moment.” Then they must do that. Managing a home is a job. It has great value. It is worthy of alot of thought and effort and prayer. Keep them on a system. Keeping them on track with things to do. An older woman taught me that to just get up and see what will happen that day with no goal in mind may not be the best thing for children and it really isn’t managing the home well. We wouldn’t just go in to our job and sit around with out a specific goal/duties for the day. There is a plan of things to be accomplished. The children need the supervisor to make sure it is done well and efficiently. Truly our children need their supervisors to help motivate them. Just as we would if we were on the job. I remember on the job at the hospital when the supervisor would come around we would perk up and get busy:)It is important to plan for the day. Children get bored..(I don’t like that word) and then they fuss with each other. My older woman explained that her daughter needed to be taught to make the home a priority job and to learn to “work” at home. I found “Mangers of the Home” from Titus 2 ministries to be a very helpful in gaining ideas. It is very practical in managing the home…. I am afraid in our day we are not taught to be diligent in homemaking. I am still learning so much but it has helped a great deal to keep the child on task. If he needs to go to do something or help someone with something it is hard to find things to fight about. If I think about it it is true for us older women too. If we are busy we cannot be saying things we should’nt be saying. I hope this makes some sense. Happy homemaking!
Well, I’m just starting to deal with it my children, so this is interesting, but I’ll share some of the strategies my parents used on us.First of all, fighting was not allowed. We both got in trouble, no matter who started it. We were disciplined, then we had to go hug the sibling, ask for forgiveness and tell them we loved them… all very humbling. We also had to recite a verse that went along with whatever the offense was… i.e…. Be ye kind one to another… A soft answer turneth away wrath… etc.We were also always told how much God does not like it when we fight, and told how God put us all in a family together on purpose. God never makes mistakes, so this family is God’s perfect one for us.I also remember being given nickels as “allowance” and as the week progressed when we were unkind, disobeyed, or broke some house rule, we had to give give up one of the nickels. I remember being debt…
I really almost laughed out loud as I read through the comments… today I was feeling like I was the ONLY ONE with fighting children! =D glad to hear I’m in good company~ an “older lady” suggested something once that I thought was a creative twist to MOTIVATING kids to want to get along better – taken from Prov. 17:1 that says, “Better is a dry morsel and quietness therein…” She said when her kids would fight and not be willing to resolve things properly she would give them a piece of plain bread at the next meal – – we did this a few times w/ ours (though I did add butter- and once let them add jam!) still… even now when I even hint at only getting a piece of bread for mealtime they instantly seem reconciled!! =D guess it’s not just men’s hearts that can be reached through their bellies…
I wish that I could offer some tips with my family as evidence of shining success.:) But perhaps then I would be tempted to revel in the credit, while actually GOD is the one doing a work here, in their hearts and mine! We are very much in the midst of sibling struggles, so I don’t have answers. However, some scriptures and ideas that have been a help and an encouragement are as follows;
2 Timothy 2: 22-25 ” Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and PEACE , along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone, able to teach and not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to the knowledge of the truth.”
A verse to encourage my children to SHINE LIKE STARS for Jesus is Philippians 2:14;
“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, CHILDREN of GOD without fault in a crooked and perverse generation, in which you SHINE LIKE STARS in the universe.”
For our older children, money is a powerful motivator in regards to words and actions; i.e. name calling costs a dollar payable immediately to the offended! However, I cannot stress enough with them that their HEART is most important and Mommy can’t change their hearts! To name call your sibling in your thoughts/heart may not cost them a dollar at the moment but it is the pebble in the pond with the ripple effect that shows up later in continued words and actions! How wonderful to encourage them that they can repent and He can “lead them to the knowledge of the truth.” They CAN be blameless and pure and start with thoughts and scriptures that can produce a ripple effect that shines for Jesus!
We have not arrived 🙂 but are His work in progress! My thanks to all who shared their ideas and encouragement!
I love this topic because I think it is something we will be working with our children constantly. I was discussing this with my husband just last week, and he wisely reminded me that we are teaching them to “get along with others” which is a challenge they will face the rest of their lives. Isn’t it a struggle for us all at times?
One important strategy D and I use is how we relate to each other in front of the children. We are very different, he and I, and rarely react the same way to any given situation. I hope that by seeing the love and respect we treat each other with through disagreements, as I submit to him and he sacrificially loves me, they will learn to love one another likewise.
As exhausting as it is, I try to teach my children through their disagreements. I get so tired of the constant sound of my own voice by the end of the day, but I know they need to be patiently trained how to tenderly relate to one another. And that, in and of itself, can be an act of patience and love on my part, which is the lesson they need.
But the most important ingredient of this must be prayer. My children need the Lord most of all, and I pray His Spirit will get ahold of their little hearts to compel them to love Him and their fellows.
I’m glad you posted this question! I know I feel like sometimes all I do is referee:) I really got some great advice here! I do make them go to their rooms to think about what they did then they have to apologize to each other and make them hug & kiss each other.
It really is a work of the Lord in families and is a very important question. I think within the setting of our family our children learn a lot about interacting with others. It takes effort…..talking with them, seeing if there is a weakness that needs correcting, seperating them when squabbling is effective….they usually want to be together! We used the verse “edify one another and build each other up” Is that building your brother up? Ours were not allowed to belittle or use putdowns. They are all so close and have always loved doing things together.
Make sure to take time to work together and play together. Often we teach so much to them in the midst of the interaction. It is the best time to train when you are there in their midst rather than coming in on a situation.
My oldest two ….21 months apart….did have fights ….usually the older one telling or bossing the younger one around. I used to get so upset at this. They were really just discussing how something was going to happen….a bit loudly perhaps. 5 min later they would be laughing and having a blast and I would still be upset. I learned not to take it all so personal myself…and realized they were learning how to communicate. So as long as they are not saying anything wrong to one another there does need to be some room for them to work things out. My older son is very forceful and the second one was good in standing up to him. If this had not been the case then we would have had to step in more and instruct. Help the older to not be overbearing and learn to be kinder. Help the weaker to learn to communicate.
I love, love, love the poem “Mother of Encouragement” shared and the thoughts she had on this topic. Just as I was writing this comment my children had an argument and I had an opportunity to implement what I learned from her. Amazing!
My boys are 9 and 7 and one thing I do with them when they are having an argument is to step back a bit and see if they can resolve it peacefully and if that doesn’t work and when it is appropriate I’ll stand them face to face about 1 foot apart and make them look at each other. This almost always ends in giggles and their hearts are restored to love. I’ve done this since they were little.
RYC: The boys were just looking at their beautiful mother! : P
We haven’t seen the movie you mentioned. I’ll look for it at our library. Thanks for the recommendation! Love ya!
*gasp!* Is that a MINI?!?
I love this question! My children are nearly 7 years apart in age and lately it seems like they argue constantly! I try to explain to the oldest (15) that she is to be the example…only to have her whine, yes whine, “but she does it to me all the time!”! I try to explain to the little one (8) that she should treat others the way she wants to be treated…it’s not working!
I keep hearing people say that they teach their children what the bible says about this and that…where does someone not well versed in bible find these scriptures? Is there a book about using the bible to train up your children that gives examples of such scripture?
Thank you for this series of questions they are so very helpful! Billie
I liked Hutch5’s idea – as well as a lot of the others! It always amazes me how siblings can love so deeply and yet quarrel so well too! As I recall, separating was one thing that helped to calm them down and gain perspective again. But I remember how much it helped when they had work or little jobs to do, especially as they got a little older. When they were “bored” they would get on each other and start fussing amongst themselves or teasing etc. It sure helped when my husband had stuff for the boys to do outside where they could get rid of some of that energy! I guess that was one advantage of country living. Even though my husband worked away from home, there were various jobs to do around the place to keep things up.
This is convicting because the very best thing to do is lead by example, by the way we talk to them, and the way we talk to our spouse.
One thing that helps in our house now that they are a little older (8,6, and almost 4) is to have them say “I agree to disagree.”
I tell them over and over “Your brother/sister is your very best friend, they will always be your best friend” and then I point out examples to them of grown siblings who are very close.
Shepherding a child’s heart is a book that helped Steve and I so much, getting to the deeper problem (the motives and thought processes of the child)
Lastly we work really hard at encouraging the kids to work it out and come to us as the last straw, if they come too early I give examples of what they could have done to resolve it on their own.
Oh, and I thought of another thing! I have found that if I play cars with them or dolls with Chloe I can often, in a fun way, set examples of people skills. Because we are “playing” together it does not feel like a lecture and I often hear them repeating what they heard me say during our play times. I ask the Lord to help me make it real and not forced, and He is so good and kind to me in the ways that He helps me lead my little ones in fun ways.
I’m in the middle of it all with 6 under ten these days. My husband was one of four siblings and there was not love there. just judging and competitiveness. Relationships of true love were not encouraged… because of this, it’s been a great burden to us that our children love and accept each other and that there not be a competition that drives them apart. We talk about this subject a lot — and seriously, there is nothing that gets a greater punishment around here than being unkind to a sibling in anyway.I think parents have lots to do with it. What they tolerate, what they encourage between siblings – what they discipline and what they reward as others have said. With boys, food, or lack of, does work – at least at our place. More than just about anything. Missing out on something the others are receiving because of their unkind words or mean behavior. Consistency is EVERYTHING. In anything we are desiring of our children , our consistency is what matters a whole lot.A lot of times sibling problems can arise out of children being compared by others, or by the parents, even unknowingly. I think the main root through of sibling rivalry is a heart of selfishness in the child. So that’s I think what as parents we are working to rid them of. Through prayer, through talking with them, through hard work, through teaching them how anyone at anytime should be treated. There is nothing that hurts my heart more almost than when I see siblings not love each other. This is the training ground at home. How they treat each other and what is allowed is what will carry with them into their life – my husband can really talk about this one from experience! It carries over into adulthood – into their marriages, etc.Great topic here — and so needful — and I think more important than we realize I think. I’ve had the experience of watching time and time again adult siblings have incredible rivalry. Act way worse than my little children! If you’ve ever seen this or been around, it you know the huge need and training that MUST take place when they are young. For me, it’s something that I set out as my goal with my kiddos and I ask Jesus to help me to be as consistent as possible and to show them through example.Another thing I have done is even point out to them what it looks like – not just to others, but to Jesus as well. I tell them how if they do not learn to love each other unconditionally now, what it will lead to — and then I also point out to them those relationships I know where the siblings love each other and show them how this blesses Jesus. Examples are always a good thing for children to see.
I’ve noticed Middle Daughter and Stay-At-Home-Dad pretty much stay out of the arguments unless the kids come to blows (which almost never happens.) Soon they’ve mended their fences with no lasting effects. Putting the children in separate rooms for a while usually works. I had to stop having kids; I was running out of extra rooms:)