Here’s our next question from a young lady~
“I’ve got an “older lady” question for you…
Since I’ve gotten married and gotten a job, I’ve realized how hard it is to keep up my girlfriend relationships. I’m interested to hear creative ways that you girls stay in touch with your girlfriends and deepen your friendships. ”
Good to be Home 
Oh, the timing of this could not be more perfect!! I have not gotten married, nor will I be anytime soon, but, now that I am in college it is getting harder and harder to stay connected to my friends (especially my GOOD friends). I can’t wait to hear all of the wonderful answers.
What used to be spontaneous when you were young and had fewer committments now has to be planned. The only way I can make “friend time” happen it so sit down with my calendar and reserve some dates. When we lived in America, I used to have one friend I talked to on the phone every morning. We would take turns reading each other a portion of scripture and sharing prayer. We didn’t use the time to “visit” but to edify.That was really special. Here in Denmark, due to cultural and language situations, I have to admit that my husband is my best friend and the one I spend the most time with. I do have one “girlfriend” and we connect on some levels, so I am working to cultivate that freindship. We try to get together once a week, but it’s been over a month now!
Once my husband and children arrived (BTW, I DON’T work outside of the home, any more) there was less time for girlfriends. Oddly enough, I don’t miss it. I feel very fulfilled doing what I do for my family.HOWEVER, I still remain in contact with many of the old friends I’ve picked up through different walks of my life. I email. I TRY to call on the phone, occasionally. I write personal letters of send “thinking of you” cards. None of these are the same as when I was free to get together for lunch (which NOW usually includes her children and mine and doesn’t make for a relaxed lunch LOL!!!!) or when we did other types of things. My point: You can still have friends, but it will be different – especially when children start arriving. You might pick a day a month to have lunch, shop, or see a movie (if those are things you enjoy). Since you work, you can arrange to meet a friend for lunch. I DID do that when I used to work.The main thing is that YOU extend the effort to maintain your friendships. In these transient times we live, friends are often left behind just like our old houses, used cars, or used shoes – but they shouldn’t be. It may mean *YOU* ALWAYS making the effort, but trust me . . .it’s worth it. Some of my friendships are 36 years old (high school) and one even goes back 47 years (dance school).It IS possible to maintain girlfriends. If it’s important to you, take the time to make those week-end or nightly phone calls. And don’t quit just because your friends don’t make the same effort. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels 20 years down the road to have had a buddy you can share 20 years of stories with!
Some friendships that seemed so important to you as a young woman or older teen will diminish because you will grow separate ways. The choices that we make set us each on a path and sometimes those paths just will not merge with our former friends.
I, too, advise, that you make the effort to maintain the friendships that are important to you. Just because a friend does not call, write, email, etc., does not mean they have forgotten you. Make the first move, if you want to re-establish or reconfirm a relationship. More than likely your friend has expereinced the same time consuming activities in her life as you have. Education, marriage, and child rearing consume us, as godly women, so do not hesitate to take a break, as purple did last weekend, and affirm your relationships, even if it is only making a long needed phone call.
Lastly, make new friends. Remember the Girls Scout song? “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.”
I found that with a husband and kids – that you can have some fun time together with your friends as families. Have a big picnic, or dinner at one another’s house. Take time to e-mail or blog! But it is also so great to plan ahead and take time to get together, away from all the other distractions and just visit, and make new adventures.
Over time I have lived in several places (Seattle, Sacramento, Honolulu, Los Angeles area) — my friendships in each place were special, and some have lasted longer than others. E-mails are a wonderful way to stay connected, and I do that even with local friends. Now that I’m retired, it’s easier to find time for friends — I enjoy a lunch with some, or just a phone conversation with others, and maintain contact with the distant friends through letters and e-mails.
Well since I have moved back to Houston, I keep in touch with yall by Xanga! It is better than the phone. I have also gotten to know you Shanda better, as didn’t talk much when I lived there. We were so busy and all. I live on the north side of Houston now which is an hour from where I grew up so I use the phone a lot to keep in touch with the gals on the “south side” I am trying to meet “new” friends on Meetup.com and through my church. It has been adventurous and fun.
My answer to this comes in parts. The first part is to always give your time to God first, husband second, family third and what you have left can be for friends. When you start stealing time away from those top priorities to feed the lower priorities the balance gets skewed. Friends are oh so important. Pray for them, ask them to pray for you. Write them letters and occasionally send them a little gift in the mail…even if they live next door!! When there is the time set up a “date” with your friends and spend quality time doing what makes you happy.
Friendships change over time but some just “stick”! That’s good. Your first friend will now be your husband. Always nurture that relationship first. I have found the friends that really stay are those with whom I shared things in common spiritually and we encouraged each other along. I have a group of H. S. friends from 57 years ago (a Christian school) and though we only see each other perhaps once a year at reunion, we simply pick up where we left off like it was yesterday! We’ve also kept a circle letter going all these years – before we started having “reunions”. Through all those years of raising our families it was only the circle letter as e-mail was not even an item yet!! Like someone else mentioned, e-mails are also so easy and good. All my long time friends live far away, but I’ve developed good friends close that I also cherish. Distance doesn’t really seem to matter with a true friend and I find it rather interesting that the amount of time spent together doesn’t seem to matter that much either! There are just some friends who truly do “stick closer than a brother”! The rare times of being together are truly cherished.
I was intrigued by this week’s question, and the topic hit home for me because of the changes I experienced after marriage. I went from being a full-time student attending classes every day and teaching fifty piano students a week, plus living with a large family, to being home 24/7 with a very sick husband in a tiny rural town, with classmates, students, or family surrounding me every day as before. The contrast could not have been more stark, and I was unprepared for it! The changes intensified a few months later when we moved 1000 miles away from our home state to a place where we knew NOT A SOUL, were essentially without phone or internet for the first two months, and during that time I was almost totally confined to bed due to pregnancy sickness (and home anyway, because my husband used our one vehicle for work each day). About 10 hours every day of total solitude, in bed, surrounded by mountains of boxes I was too sick to unpack! 😮 Minimal communication, and most of it snail-mail, with family or friends.Like danishdoll, this experience resulted in a wonderful bonding with my husband that had not been there before. I actually came to depend on his companionship and find needs met by him that I didn’t think him capable of meeting; it was really precious. I now realize it was God’s plan all along for me to experience some separation from others (for a time) in order for my marriage to be enriched. However, I have continued to maintain old friendships and cultivate new ones with my girlfriends, and feel my life (and often my husband’s life) is enriched by these efforts!Shanda, THANK YOU for facilitating these conversations; I look forward to reading the questions and responses every Monday!
*correction to second sentence in first paragraph above: “…in a tiny rural town, with NO classmates, students, or family…”
Hats off to onehappymomma who wrote exactly what I wanted to write! After your personal relationship w/Jesus, make your husband your first priority, be friends with him AND lovers. . the combination is WONDERFUL!!! :)When you have children, remember that they also come before “the girls”.
That said, the time with a close woman friend is satisfying in it’s own wonderful way. Like several others wrote, don’t under estimate a hand-written letter, or a thoughtful email, or a timely phone call. Friendships can grow and flourish despite distance because the hearts of close friends are always close. Quality friendships glorify God. . . .everyone knows the close friendship of David and Jonathan of the O.T.— it is a beautiful thing!~ If you don’t have a close friend, start praying and keep your eyes open for one. Remember, “to have a friend you must be a friend”. . . . .brighten someone else’s day with a surprise! It’s so much fun to give joy to others.
I find that when I am loving on my husband and making sure his needs are met, he is VERY HAPPY to let me go for a day or a weekend. He likes seeing me have fun with my friends. Next month I get to go to a homeschooling conference with my friend Kathy.
If you haven’t been married for long, don’t forget that with every change comes a HUGE transition time. It took Rich and I awhile to settle into our new life of wedded bliss and re-prioritize the other relationships.
CIRCLE OF FRIENDSWhen I was little,I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,and then I started to become a woman.And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,You will be shown the best, in many friends.One friend is needed when you’re going through things with yourpartner.Another friend is needed when you’re going through things with yourparents.Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in yourchildren and their activities.Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.One friend will say, ‘Let’s cry together,’another, ‘Let’s fight together,’another, ‘Let’s walk away together.’One friend will meet your spiritual need,another your shoe fetish,another will be with you in your season of confusion,another will be your clarifier,another the wind beneath your wings.But whatever their assignment in your life,on whatever the occasion,on whatever the day,or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hairpulled back,or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself …..those are your best friends.It may all be wrapped up in one woman,but for many, it’s wrapped up in several…one from 6th grade,one from high school,some from the college years,a couple from old jobs,on some days your mother,on some days your neighbor,on others, your sisters, cousins,and on some days, your daughters.
Monday, May 19, 2008 — Saving Troubled Friendships — Matthew 5:23-24 When we develop friendships, we intend for them to last. But since two fallen human beings are involved, occasional hurt feelings and unmet expectations are likely. If one or both people simply ignore the offense, the relationship can be damaged.Repairing a troubled friendship requires humility to admit our faults, effort to fix the problem, and time. But the reward is a renewed connection with a valued companion. The process of saving a friendship begins when you acknowledge that damage exists. This takes place the moment you say, “I feel something isn’t right in our relationship. I’d like for us to find and fix the problem.”It’s helpful to work together to assess how the trouble began. Perhaps it resulted from a misunderstanding, an unresolved conflict, or one person’s busyness. After recognizing the problem, apologize for your part in it. Taking responsibility and saying “I’m sorry” shows your love and commitment to the friendship. Remember that an essential aspect of apologizing is refusing to justify wrong actions or blame others.An apology must be followed up with amends. Ask your friend what specific action you both can take to rebuild the relationship. Then commit to follow his or her suggestion while occasionally asking, “How am I doing?”Rather than waiting until their relationship is in trouble, wise friends will go through these steps as soon as they’re aware of having hurt a loved one. Preventative care can soothe minor scrapes before they become serious wounds. (Taken from In Touch Daily Devotional by Dr. Charles Stanley) I didn’t answer this on my own because lo and behold this was in my mailbox this morning. I must have been a God thing. 🙂
edited to correct last line “It must have been a God thing.”
Its so important to not lose touch with the ones you love. God will reveal to you who are your true friends and who isn’t, if you’re constantly putting Him first. I don’t have children so I don’t know how busy family life can be to the extent of most of the xanga friends I have but . . . I guess the main things is try to not think of keeping in touch as a big thing. Do little things like cards in the mail, e-mails, E-cards, lunch together, go for walks, go shopping where you can both get things done and still chat and catch up at the same time, and when time permits call them. I’m not good at this and am not by any means an expert but there it is.
I know different personalities view friendships differently. Some more people oriented, others very content with a few close relationships. I find that I am perfectly happy with just having my husband as my friend — best friend. I love putting time and energy into that relationship more than all others. Even at the cost of loosing other girlfriendships. After that, and being with him, I really love taking my daughters out — it’s wonderful. quiet and simple and truly wonderful friendship, even though they are four and one. Where I use to call up a girlfriend, I find myself loading up my daughters and walking the mall or going for a special treat! My four boys – I develop friendships with them…Then my mom and my sisters. After that, I’m too tired.:)There are seasons in life — some seasons where girlfriends are at the top of the list. And other seasons, where they are not.
I have been away from home so much in the past six week – many times with dial-up connections – that I have not been able to even keep up with my friends Web sites, so I am purposing to respond to this question.
From my perspective, that is how you keep in touch with friends. It takes purpose, planning, and setting special times to meet.