What was it like when your kids grew up and became adults?
Was it a joy?
A disappointment?
Did they ever hurt you?
Was it hard to let them go?
How did you prepare for it?
How did you survive it?
Any tips for the rest of us?
What do you wish you’d done differently?
What do you think is the most important thing to remember about launching our children into adulthood?
Good to be Home 
I think all the while you are raising your kids you have to constantly keep in mind that eventually they are going to leave. You need to not be too dependent on them. They must not take over your whole life. You especially need to keep alive a wonderful relationship of love and communication with your husband. You need to teach them life skills (Cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, simple household maintenance) and espeically teach them how to listen to God, because you won’t always be there for them, but He will! You need to let your example show them a good marriage, and a life of joy in being a child of God.
For me, the joy of having my daughters become adults was that we became close friends. We always had a good relationship, and they talked to me about just about everything. As adults, we continued this. They teach me things, too! Their Dad and I feel honored that they still ask for our thoughts and advice on various matters.
Was it hard to let them go? It was horrid! I guess our situation was a bit different, because our daughters didn’t move away from US, we moved to Denmark and left THEM. I miss them so much. I cherish every minute of the times we are together, and they are not very often. We see them maybe once a year – if that.
How do I survive the “empty nest?” Well, in the beginning, I cried a lot! LOL! It was hard to get used to the quiet. When you are in the middle of raising them and the house is crammed with them and their stuff and their friends and their stuff, you think you will like a more calm and quiet existence. But I miss it! I miss them playing their music loud, and leaving wet towels on the floor. I miss having to take them places and hearing all about their days at school or work. I miss sitting with them in church. I miss hugging them. Oh! I miss that a lot. Thankfully, we now have internet and Skype for phoning and staying in touch. We send each other messages on our phones, and we stay close.
I know some women who get their fulfillment from life by being needed. Be careful. Do not raise your children to cling to you. Do not encourage them to be dependent on you for everything. If you do, you will cripple them, and eventually they will grow to despise you. Teach them, rather to depend on God. Let them know you will always be there for them, but give them tools and wisdom for living without you. Encourage them to handle their own lives. Don’t step in every time they mess up. Don’t bail them out of every problem. I know it’s hard, but you have to step back. They are meant to leave the nest and fly. It’s your job to give them wings.
Prayer will always be your best parenting resource. That part of parenting will never end! It just grows to include their spouses and eventually the grandkids!
Well, mine hasn’t left home yet. He’s still 18 and really likes it here. Each stage of growth has been different. There was a time when I wasn’t sure DS was going to live to graduate high school LOL I think times such as those, help prepare us for when they do leave home. Right now, DS is in college and working part-time. There are some days we don’t see him hardly at all. Again, preparing me for his leaving. As an only child, yes I’ve definitely been over-protective in some ways. DH and I have seen a taste of what it will be like when DS does leave home, and while we will miss DS tremendously, and I will probably cry for days…we are looking forward to having the house to ourselves again!
DanishDoll said something about not encouraging them to be dependent on you for everything. I SO second this comment. DS will now go to a dentist appt by himself, but still wants me to go to the doctor with him (maybe that’s a good thing still) LOL. Now that he has his own job, he has his own personal checking and savings account. He is making decisions on his own and while his father and I may not like some of the decisions he has made in the past, and I’m sure some he makes in the future…he does ask our opinions however, ultimately it is up to him.
Every time he leaves home, I pray for God’s loving hand to watch over him and protect him.
Suz
Great questions! So close to my own heart and things I have been researching myself. It is so tender…mine are so young but I often think of the time when they will leave and how badly I want them to stand at the crossroads, and ask where the ancient paths are, ask where the good way is and then walk in it, as mother’s we all want our children to find TRUE rest for their souls. (Jer 6:16)
Wow, I absolutely love every word shared by DanishDoll; what a wise lady. I so hope to internalize that wisdom and apply it to my own parenting in the future. Right now, all I know is that I have personally experienced DanishDoll’s description of healthy parenting, “letting go,” prayers, etc., from my own parents and parents-in-law. Speaking as an adult child who experienced those things, it has been a blessing beyond words. My mother-in-law has been so faithful to pray for my husband and refrain from intervening/interfering at different times in his adult life and our married life, and it has won her both our hearts! We both love to call her on a regular basis now; we often seek her out for advice and encouragement. Her “need to be needed,” I think, has probably been fulfilled although she submitted that to God a long time ago. (Same thing goes for my own parents and also father-in-law; I just have a special appreciation for my mother-in-law in this regard because I don’t think it is very typical!)Thank God for praying, loving parents! I appreciate them more as a married adult than ever before!
My oldest daughter is 25, then dd 22, an 18 year old that will be graduating homeschool graduation this Saturday, and my youngest little dd is 14. : ) We’ve homeschooled for over 18 years now and what a blessing it has been! It’s not about academics as much as it is Godly character.
One huge bit of advice is this. It’s all for the Lord, everything should be channeled unto the Lord.
Here is a good quote from Brother Denny Kenaston: “NEVER spank the children in anger, NEVER…Many parents are missing the whole concept of chastisement. Chastisement is not judgment meted out for wrongdoing. It is correction for wrongdoing with future conduct in mind.”
His point is well taken, it’s to train them in obedience to the Lord in their future adult lives. It’s for them to see our hearts as they would a loving heavenly Father, and thus learn to listen to that still small voice.
One of the greatest things we feel we have trained our children in is that quiet time with the Lord. True relationship with Christ. Not just the going to church kind…the heart kind.
No regrets.
Their is a HUGE difference between housekeeping and homemaking. Homemaking is of the HEART. Giving of your HEART.
Perhaps this will help? May we be those considerate and giving people we want our children to become, may they see Christ living in us. Are we looking out for others interests or our own?
The Lord quickened me to add….Sheltering is a GOOD thing. It’s this present day society that has even seeped into the church that will try to cast a negative light on the shelter word. : ) The Lord shelters us under His wings. : ) Jonathan Lindvall has some very good teachings on Dare to Shelter and the Myth of Socialization.
Do not be in a big hurry to push your children out of your home. Remember, Jesus lived with His mother until He was thirty.I enjoy every stage my children grow through. The most important thing I have found to so help them to feel that they are deeply loved and appreciated for their own uniqueness. It is a joy and sorrow both to see the young people leave the nest. I am proud of their accomplishments and their character as they ‘seek their fame and fortune’ out in the cold cruel world. But I will never stop parenting them–God has given me responsibility for their souls. No, I don’t mean I interfere in their lives. I pray for them constantly. When they ask for counsel, as they often do, I want to be there to respond. I would still be inquiring of my mother, if she were alive. And I welcome them into my home when they come to seek shelter and rest. I treasure the relationship I have built with my children through their younger years and the trials we shared.I have a bit of a different perspective: my eldest suffered a tragic accident just as he was preparing to go off to college. He is still living with me, although many have suggested placing him elsewhere. I treasure the closeness we still share. I can not imagine him living among strangers. I don’t know that there was anything I could/would have done differently with him, except perhaps to listen more carefully to his cries for help in a particular trial he experienced not long before his accident.On the other hand, I think my DD and I have a closer relationship now that she is married. Her last years at home were a flurry of running for therapy and the other kids’ activities which left a rift in our communication. We also had to move away from the homestead. Her hubby said she cried for days when we left. Thanks to cell phone family plans and Skype, we have healed our relationship. Perhaps, if I could go back, I might acknowledge her efforts to help carry the load, and spend some more concentrated mother-daughter time with her as a teen.Number three was the stormiest so far. He wanted to declare his independence long before he was really ready to take that on. Our young people are encouraged by the culture to pursue ‘freedom’ long before they have the tools to handle the responsibility that brings. By god’s grace, he is now thriving in his college environment. Looking back. he needed a more firm hand in his rebellious years. But I always tried to let him know how very much I treasure him.Our teens and young adults still very much need out love a guidance. My number four told me this in so many words. Growing up was a difficult task for him, as he is the one who marches to s different drum. But we persisted through it all, and suddenly, he came to realize that my strictness with him is an act of love. He started college early, and got a taste of the freedom it brings, but he knows that he still needs a parent’s hand in his life. The training we give, in life skills and Danish Doll mentioned, and in character building in progressive. I don’t believe we are ever finished with the task until we and our offspring attain Heaven.I fully agree with Thats Italian. We should not be hesitant to shelter our children, especially when they are young. A soldier does not go into battle until he is thoroughly trained. Providing a safe haven for our children, regardless of their age, is crucial to their proper training. Plus it teaches them so much about God’s lovingkindness toward us.I don’t know if I have actually answered the question, but I felt moved to share these things.
Boy Shanda – this is a VERY hard subject, because I have experienced so many of the questions you asked. DanishDoll spoke much truth and I won’t bore you with my repetition, but hopefully add some newness. Remember, I have an almost 30yo, a 21yo, and and 8, 7, & 5.5 yo. All girls. All full of hormones – no matter WHAT the age.What was it like when your kids grew up and became adults? The first 2 scared me to death because they threw everything they had been taught out the window and it made me physically ill.Was it a joy? No! I felt like I wanted to tear out my hair and scream “WHY? What in the world could you be thinking? Oh, duh, that’s right! You AREN’T thinking!”A disappointment? The first two, yes. They still struggle with living a wise and prudent life and even what parts of the Bible are “accurate”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both raised in church, but not taught by me (in word or example) at home.Did they ever hurt you? Oh my goodness. Not only hurt me, but did it on purpose. Such ugliness from the children I had laid down my life for! They are past that stage now – but whew-eee – it was no fun experiencing their new found independence – which was all stupid independent stuff, anywayWas it hard to let them go? Despite all of the grief and pain described above, YES! It was horrible because I didn’t feel either one was prepared to live in the world without an adult to guide them. They couldn’t balance a check book (much less know how to open an account) and couldn’t use the phone book’s yellow pages. AND, yes, they’ve made many life changing mistakes. Then again, NO it wasn’t hard to let them go because the turmoil in our home was gone once they were gone. Those don’t sound like very kind words coming from a parent, but the sneaking out, drugs, stupid boyfriend relationships, secretly (underage) tatoos, and more, was horrible to live with on a daily basis. Just keepin’ it real here. How did you prepare for it? “Please God help me.” And, He responded, “Be still and know that I am God.”How did you survive it? I have a wonderful husband who has reminded me that our door is always open should these older ones find themselves in an emergency. We continue to keep in contact with them, the best we can (they aren’t always available) and let them know we are so very glad to be talking/visiting with them.Any tips for the rest of us? YES! Get the Word of God into them when they are toddlers. Don’t “say” prayers with them, encourage them to pray by themselves. Because, eventually there will be a time when they don’t have you to pray with them and God will be all they have to call upon. They MUST learn to have a personal relationship with God as soon as possible. When you aren’t there to tell them not to act a certain way, you can be assured the Holy Spirit will grab their attention.What do you wish you’d done differently? Homeschooled the two older ones completely. But it wasn’t possible and so I did the best I could. I would have sheltered them more and checked up on them more. They acted so innocent and I trusted them blindly. I had no idea children could be so sneaky and devious. I also think I made the two older ones my “friends” instead of my “children.” We certainly SHOULD be friends with our children, but the parent/child relationship is just as important. Despite my feeling like a dunce with the first two, they still call me when there is a crisis and ask my opinion. So maybe I didn’t do so poorly, after all, in the relationship part.What do you think is the most important thing to remember about launching our children into adulthood? MAKE THEM DO WORK AROUND THE HOUSE BEFORE THEY MOVE OUT! Make them responsible. Teach them to do laundry, take care of a pet without being reminded, take out trash, return library books, get up on their own to an alarm clock, teach them to cook (even if it’s just the basics) and take away privileges when they don’t obey. You can’t get married and expect your spouse to let you slough off around the house doing nothing. You can’t hold a job and crossly tell the boss, “Well, I SAID I would get to it! What’s YOUR problem, anyway?” You need to praise them as you teach them and tell them some wife/husband/employer will be so fortunate to have them someday. I think too many of us don’t want to make our children little “maids” or “servants” and many children are allowed to have free time before taking care of their chores. I truly believe if children thought first, “Are my chores finished?” we’d have an easier time getting them to help around the house AND it will be instilled in them that work comes before play. As an adult, work almost ALWAYS comes before play. That’s a rude awakening to young adults who haven’t had responsibilities of any sort.Teach them about handling money (tithing, offerings, and saving for emergencies).Teach them to ask GOD and seek HIS opinion before making an important decision.Teach them that despite the fact most of their peers lack manners, no one has ever been chastised for being “too polite.”When you talk to your children, LISTEN, PROBE, ask thought provoking questions that make them wonder why they feel the way they do. Teach them to think for themselves, prayer hard for yourself to be a good example, and teach them not to do what the crowd is doing – just because that’s what the crowd is doing.Alrighty – I’m out of breath!
Love them while you have them! Love the Lord most of all. Love your spouse. Love being a mom and all the special times you have together….I mean everyday special times. I know you know that here on Shanda’s site…she is great at showing that everyday celebration of family life.
My boys are 24,22,and 14. The oldest two are out and married. During their homeschool highschool years I felt the Lord telling me I had to begin letting them go ….they would need to come into a full relationship under Him before they had households of their own. That helped me with my heart and giving them into the Lord’s hands. Good thing as they both married this last year and have their own wives and homes!
yes, it is a joy to see my boys grown and adults….mainly because they love the Lord, are in relationship with Him, and love their wives. They both are involved in church, and Jesus is part of everyday life. Living with the Lord as part of all you do and part of every day is the most important thing you can do while they are growing up. It is all about heart. Teaching them about the Lord. We had good academics…they earned scholarships to college….but the most important thing is the character. We made mistakes…still do. Asking the Lord’s forgiveness and being open with the boys, “I messed up, please forgive me” is important as parents. They see you walking with the Lord.
It is hard to let go. We are so close….I miss them a lot. I would not change that closeness or that love. I became a youth leader when the older boys started college. I missed them a lot and wanted to be involved with young people. We have a real small church and disciple method. I love the youth….many leave the church and are swept up into the culture….it is very strong without the influence at home. My eldest served as worship leader for many of these years…so I was able to have special years studying the Bible with him and his wife before they married and moved away.
My husband likes the extra affection….so I guess one way I survived was to love up on him. Always a good thing! I have also turned to the Lord in times of sadness and The Lord is faithful to lift you up. As I said I also became more involved in ministry….youth and prayer ministry. I still have my 14 year old son David that we are homeschooling and raising. He is much more self sufficient at an early age than his brothers. Being the youngest and also a boyscout he has learned to do a lot on his own….he also benefits with wiser parents.
The boys were involved in ministry as they came up in high shcool. They did worship together and went on several mission trips. I think this was very important for them as it matured them and gave them responsiblites. We were very involved and trusted the people they were going with (this is important!!)
We did have some tough times esp. with our oldest when he decided to leave college and had a hard time figuring out what to do. I had to really pray a lot. My husband wisely felt relationship was more important than anything the world said….( throw him out was often said) Instead we tried to help mature him and still have rules at home and responsibilities. It is hard to have control over a big large man/child. He never took up all the responsiblites we desired while living with us…again my husband felt he would when he had his own household….he was right. He married a wonderful christian girl and they are doing well. Again, loving as brother and sister in Christ and speaking the truth was the most important. Hard to do when you are wrapped up in one another. You do have to be willing to give them into the Lord’s hands, pray, speak the turth, and ask them to follow Godly principles.
Rewards….they come to you for advise and to talk and share. A close relationship. Wanting to be involved in one anothers lives. Loving their spouses like they are your own. Seeing the fruit in their lives lived for Jesus.
Ask the Lord for the direction. There is a need to shelter them from our culture and mature them in their walk with God. There is also a need to let them learn and make mistakes while under your covering. I think girls need to be under dad’s covering til married ….that is different than the world thinks. We felt a responsibility to our DIL to protect them before they were married to our sons. Teach about purity before they are young men! We prayed about that and about spouses. They all had a commitment to the Lord about that and were able to stay pure for marriage.
So many thoughts….but those are some. God bless you all, Jenny
I have no children, but would like to respond to this question from the point of view of an adult (age 67) daughter. I think that it’s important to teach respect, responsibility, and ethic through the growing-up years, along with the basic skills of life. Perhaps payment or other reward for such chores as feeding pets, cleaning up rooms, cooking, etc., but with a penalty for non-performance would be helpful for some as they near adulthood (see cherylyn_p’s comments about work and the work ethic). Then, when they do leave, it’s important to recognize that parents are there to teach skills and values, but that those skills and values will be overlaid with outside influences — it’s the ‘child’s’ job, once away from home, to meld the basic and the overlay to create the adult person. At some point, although you hope that your values are the ones that are strongest, it is important to recognize the person that the ‘child’ has become, and to be there to support, but not necessarily to continue teaching unless is reqeusted. Yes — you will always worry about your children as a parent; you will always have concerns about the perceived mistakes that they make — but at some point it’s important to allow those mistakes (especially the non-life-threatening ones), while still maintaining an openness for them to come to you for help and guidance if they wish.
The friendship of a parent with an adult child is a difficult balance to find — you have a lot in common, but the world does change as one’s children grow, and it’s important to recognize the changes both in your children and in the world around them. Remember that it is human nature to pick up with a friend at the point where you left off — one of the mistakes within my family is that I am remembered as the 16-year-old that I was when I was “sent away” to college (way too young, by the way), without recognition of all the changes that have happened since then (I am having to remind my mother more and more to stop treating me like that 16-year-old, and I also have to be careful not to revert to that relationship). Maintaining a currency, both with your children as they grow and with the world as it changes, is important to that friendship you hope to develop. Every year in the fall, one of the colleges in the east publishes a “mindset list” which describes their freshman students — it describes the things that we take for granted that the freshman class considers history — a kind of remember when. It is remarkable tool for understanding people younger than yourself — this year’s freshmen, for example, never knew gasoline prices as low as the 29 cents/gallon that I remember, they never saw b/w television, they were not yet born when we had a President other than a Bush or a Clinton, and so forth — and your children, when they are freshmen, will not know what a film camera was or how it worked — just a couple of examples, but I hope you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to think about the things that you remember that your children never knew.
It’s also important to remember that the hurts, the strife, etc. go both ways. It is never ok (as my mother thinks it is) to “say whatever you want to your family simply because they’re family.” In fact, it’s more important to be careful what you say to family than to outsiders, or the resentments and unhappiness will find their way into the relationship much more seriously than with people other than family members. I think perhaps most important in creating the relationship you want with your children as they grow is listening — just as you listen now, it’s important to continue to listen to adult children.
Such a provocative question! I hope this opposite perspective is also helpful…
i will respond on how much it hurts when a child leaves home….since this is most fresh in my mind. both my twin daughters got married in the last 2 to 4 years. as much as i wanted to prepare my children to eventually become independent, there is NOTHING that can prepare yourself for the day it happens. both of my daughters are walking with Jesus and have chosen life partners that i not only love…but am in awe of! WONDERFUL MEN OF GOD! however; i experienced grief similar to a death. this incredible sadness would come over me at various times. i really had to combat giving in to it totally. at times i felt like i’d been given these precious wonderful children to love and then suddenly someone snatched them away from me saying, “OK! time’s up!” like someone had played a dirty trick on me. sometimes i just sit in this empty, quiet house and wonder where the years have gone. these walls used to be filled with noise, doorbells ringing, music playing, friends visiting. how i miss the LIFE! silly! i know. thankfully, with each new year, the pain definitely diminishes.
i have always determined that i would NOT interfere with my married children. i see far too many parents that whine about their kids not visiting them, not coming home every Christmas, etc. my experience has been that if i hold them loosely, i believe they’ll WANT to come visit. the parents who hold tightly eventually drive their children away. my children tell me that i err on the other side. they want to be invited more.
my husband and i are re-learning to enjoy life again….together. every season of life has it’s challenges. we will weather this season out, captivating the joys that come with it.
i don’t have much to add here that hasn’t been shared. but i will say i am going through this for the first time with my sarah having gotten married this past january. i love the woman she has become, exactly who i hoped she would be…exactly! she is a gracious hostess, a submissive wife and a spirited young lady with lots of life. she is involved in church, loves her job and adores being at home and caring for her home/husband more than anything. i miss her. i grieve how much i miss her. she’s only an hour away but i miss having her home…. her influence, her smell and her mark. but she is truly my best friend and i cherish her more than any other woman on the earth.
resolved2worship had some wonderful comments today on her post regarding raising children! My five range in age from 54 to 41 so my “nest” has been empty a long time. I think it is so important to give your children “roots” and also “wings”. We train them to become independent of us.
One thing that was not allowed in our home was disrespect toward a parent – in tone or looks or words. My husband was firm on this one and we reaped the benefits of it by respect from them. I feel very cherished and honored by my children. Of course this same respect must be mirrored in their parents as well!
Nothing takes more prayer than parenting. We made it a practice to fast and pray a day a week just for the children and feel we have also reaped the benefits from that.
Miss them when they left? Sure did! I SO missed the fun, comedy and activity. But as we saw them one by one choose godly mates and establish their own homes, it was rewarding. It is quite interesting a lot of times to spend times in their homes and see yourself again in how they are relating to their children! Yes, you even miss the late nights of chatting – seemed teenagers were always ready to talk when it was time to sleep!! but when they are ready – you be ready or you miss your opportunity. How often they now say something like “boy, Mom, I sure appreciate now what you and Dad did – or went through…” With growing families of their own, they understand!
And it’s SO important to take time along the way to be best friends with your spouse – not just with your children. One day the children will be gone and if you have devoted all the time or emotional energy and dependence to your children you will find yourself lonely and distanced from your spouse. After all, your mate is number one, and this is the time to enjoy that relationship when you are back to a table set for only two! Then you can enjoy the times when everyone comes home to visit and the house buzzes again with activity for a time…..and you almost breathe a sigh of quiet relief when things quiet down again! (smile)
Being a mom? love it, love it, love it! Once a mom, always a mom!
these comments were just what I needed to soften my heart towards my new mother in law. Thanks for your wisdom, ladies.
I feel like I did the “letting go” part very poorly ~ like chulya, I experienced grief similar to a death after the marriage of our first two within 18 months of each other ~ the quiet!!! I loved their teen-aged years, with all the coming and going and their friends hanging around. And then the quiet!!! ~ and their not needing us so much anymore ~ and the missing them so much. It was a bit devastating, somehow. It took a long while to work through all of that ~ I, too cried lots of tears. Now years down the road, my husband and I feel like we are in the best part of our life ~ doesn’t every stage seem like that sometimes? The only advice I can give, is if you do go through a hard time after a child leaves, just rest in the Lord and let Him help you work through it ~ it does eventually pass, although at the time, it feels like it will never be good again. God is good, all the time. And walking with Him through trials and hard things always brings us through and teaches us yet more of His will for our lives.
Everyone had such great advice, it was so nice to read all the comments. You ladies are very wise, and very much appreciated by us Mom’s of little ones. Thank you for posting the questions & answers!
I cannot add much to these wise words of wisdom. If I had more time I could share more of what I would do differently.But for now, just this: Don’t baby your children. Love them to death but don’t pamper their every whim or wish. Don’t buy them a lot of “stuff”…even if you can afford it.A lot of material possessions do not make them happy, but cause a dependent spirit on things that really are not important. Later on in life, when theyface the real world on their own, they will thank you for not indulging on them. Contentment is a good thing.Teach your children good stewardship of what they have been given. Teach them to be responsible and respectful with their things and with others’. Teach them to do as much as they can for themselves…even when you can do it better. They learn by experience. As they mature, give them more responsibility. Teach them to think for themselves…to be problem solvers. Instill common sense and teach them to improvise, using what they have to do what needs to be done.Launching them into adulthood begins very young. You are preparing them to leave and to be independent. God did not intend for us to hang on and it helps to remind yourself of that regularly so that you too are ready to let them go without falling apart. It is not easy, so release them early on, mentally. Be prepared yourself. Teach them well the Word of God…it is their best preparation. Life skills are crucial as well…especially with finances. Teach them to be tithers…it helps with selfishness and greed. Don’t try to fix their problems for them….teach them to solve them themselves, but be there as is needed. If they mess up, don’t cover for them or dig them out. Teach them to own up to their responsibility and work towards restitution or amends. They must pay their dues as all of us must. If they do not respect your authority, they probably will not respect God’s or the governments. It could be a life of heartache for them and you.Most of all, live a consistent Godly life before them. The things you want them to learn must be modeled by you….DAILY!!
What was it like when your kids became adults? Joy? Disappointment? I must admit there was some joy, but that joy began way back when the last one was potty-trained. I had prayed once that I would live at least long enough for my children to be able to take care of themselves; that prayer was answered, so there was joy. I don’t remember any feelings of disappointment.
Did they ever hurt you? Little bruises could hardly qualify as a hurt. An occasional incident (spray-painting on a water tower, wanting to “rescue” a damsel who was pregant with someone else’s child) seemed like big hurts at the time, but in the entire scheme of things, they were nothing.
Was it hard to let them go? Only if they insisted on going so far. The worst for me was when Oldest Daughter decided to go to college in Fairbanks, Alaska. I just knew I’d never see her again.
How did you survive? Dear Departed told me that maybe I should go to Fairbanks to live with her, and that woke me to how silly I was being.
What do you wish you’d done differently? I wish I’d had the joy of staying home with my children. At the same time, I feel that the way our lives played out made them stronger and closer. They learned to depend on their own strengths.
What do you think is the most important thing to remember about launching our children into adulthood? Always keep the door open to them, and leave it unlocked so they can leave when they feel the need.
Nature helps us prepare for the separation. You’ll feel them begin to pull away a little. It may begin with feeling there’s no more need for good-night kisses. Don’t get bent out of shape; they’re testing their wings. They may occasionally talk back. Is that a bad thing? Haven’t you made it your goal to teach them to think for themselves? You gave them wings, now let them fly! Now that my children adults, we often have different opinions. I lived my life; it’s not up to me to now live theirs for them. I have to respect our differences.
I’ve just realized in reflecting that I never doubted my kids would do fine without me; the trouble was more in how I’d do without them. I didn’t have to worry. They’re with me wherever I am or….would come at a moment’s notice.
I am in tears reading all of the wisdom you ladies have shared. Tears because I realize that in 2 short years I will be letting Mariah use her wings. THANK YOU so much for sharing with me, I truly needed to hear these words of encouragement. I have found myself tightening the reins lately and with that find my teens are bucking wildly. I now realize I need to let them grow their wings, little by little, and one day they will soar like Eagles. So starting today I am going to mindfully loosen the reins . Thank you again dear sisters in Christ. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
what an awesome question with awesome, heartfelt responses from different perspectives. I really loved reading these comments especially becasuse they did come from different points full of passion but not judgement if you are not doing it the same way- I love it! So encouraging!!
Very encouraging food for thought….and as a young mother, so challenging.
Thank you!
Well Fratmom suggested we come and visit your site. Probably the hardest thing for me was letting go of the youngest daughter. She went to college in the same state but lived in a dorm her first year of college. I helped her drive there, unload, met her roommates that were there so far and when the day was over I drove home alone and cried all the way home. It is a form of grief i’m very sure, but no one tells you how much it will hurt to leave them at college and drive home alone. My mom never said how hard it is to let them grow up and leave the nest. My entire life was trying to be a good mom, a good role model and teach them what I could to help them in life. I focused on education and how important it is to be a good student. I have two wonderful daughters, my oldest graduates from KU this friday and my youngest is going to be a junior at KU this fall. God blessed me with two of his angels and I am so proud to have had them with me for the years I did, and now it’s time for them to be on their own and live their own lives. I will always be here for them and they know that and little by little over the years i’ve had them make their own decisions in life. I only wish someone would have told me…….to prepare me, for how hard it is to let them go. Great post! Sandy
childless, i am. but i’m glad fratmom recommended your site because those quilts on your header pic??? to die for. one day i will own a quilt that beautiful. or any quilt at all, lol.peace.
Your kids are gorgeous!
Fratmom recommended your site. I enjoyed reading all of the comments. You have given me a lot to think about.
You have a beautiful family..
Thank you so much Shanda, for posting these wonderful questions so we younger moms can read all these words of wisdom. This is truly putting into practice the teachings of Titus 2. Thank you also to all the older mothers who have been so willing to share your joys and struggles with us! It has touched my heart and given me much to think on and to learn!
my kids are 20, 18, 16, 14 & 10…the best piece of advice I read on here for me at this stage in my life is to “let them grow their wings, little by little, and one day they will soar like Eagles.” That is easier said than done because one day you are doing everything for them and the next day they want to do it themselves. We have watched our 20yo step out and make her own choices and she has done it well…she just shines! And so, I will make conscious choices today to let them go a little more…prayer is most definitely the key!
having married a man that his parents would not let go of to start his own family, to be lead of God and not of them – I have a lot of thoughts about these subjects… but not from personal experience as the one letting go. we are praying to learn and let go by what we have seen NOT to do… praying that we can do something different with the next generation.this is great Shanda. So many wise wise words and so much to trust God with and for 🙂 praise HIm.
Once Again, I enjoyed all the wisdom that was written underneath the post! Thanks for hosting these weekly questions.
I “let go” of my son the day I walked out on his father. I left my son behind, thinking that it was the best scenario for him. I thought that I had it all sorted out in my mind when I made that decision. My son could still be in the same home he was brought home from the hospital in, the same neighborhood, the same school, the same friends. His life wouldn’t be too interrupted. THE hardest decision of my life. The separation from my child was wrenching. Yes, we saw each other, and talked to each other daily, but it wasn’t the same as tucking him in bed at night (despite the fact that he was just starting High School) or spending those quiet minutes just before sleep with him.
It literally took YEARS for us to re-establish our relationship. YEARS of tears, and pain, and regret, and apologies, and prayer, and begging God for forgiveness. The guilt I felt was something my son enjoyed, immensly. (Or so it seemed).
My point in saying all this, is that I NEVER stopped telling him how much I loved him. I was honest in telling him why I left (when he asked me, never did I bring up the subject). I never spoke ill of his father to him, afterall, that is his father and their relationship should be respected. Again, my point here (and I do have one), my dear son could have turned in so many directions when his heart was broken through this divorce process. Could have been drugs, gangs, school dropout, crime, vandalism,whatever. But, instead, he chose God. He clung to God. The foundation that his father and I had given him was what would sustain him through what was probably the worst time of his life. My son and I are now close again, not as close as we were when things were different, but much closer than ever since then. I have learned to let go over and over again as God leads him in the path that He has chosen for him. Is there pain? OH YEAH! I miss him terribly! He is now married to a wonderful Christian woman, and living thousands of miles away from me. My son is attending seminary in Pennsylvania and soon will be starting his internship as a Pastor.
Ladies, even when we think that things are falling down around us, God is in control. He has a plan, THE plan. He sheltered my son, and comforted him when things were rough. He brought me through the storm, broken but still whole. I praise His name for that.
Painful to read, since I am nearing the time of letting go…if anything these words have halped me to appreciate the time I have left with our daughter.
What was it like when your kids grew up and became adults?
**My oldest daughter is leaving very soon to go to Nicaragua to live with a missionary family we’ve known for years. It is wonderful to see them serve God by serving their families and younger siblings. This is a very good question and I can honestly say it has been so much more rewarding than I ever thought possible!! Lots of investing and plowing for many years, and the rewards are great! It is VERY hard to let your best friend go into another phase of life. (tears)
Was it a joy? **Pure joy. Sadness at the transition, but happy that they are who they are. I have a 22, 20, 17 then three reversals (THANK GOD!) 9,7,5. The oldest are treasures!
A disappointment? **Only in myself.
Did they ever hurt you? ** Not intentionally. I believe that their hearts are pure, and they really want to please us and the Lord. But if they hurt me, it was strictly unintentional.
Was it hard to let them go? Terribly. Of course, I am just letting one go temporarily now, but this is a taste.
How did you prepare for it? Pray, pray, pray. Talk to them. Our oldest is a talker and I am a listener. It is true. They want to take late at night, which is OK by me, but it important to listen to keep their heart.
How did you survive it? ** Prayer
Any tips for the rest of us? *Slow down (you are doing a tremendous job…lightyears ahead of where I was at that age) and enjoy each state. Don’t be as hard on them as I was on my three oldest. I told my oldest the other day of a time I regret…… She was about 12 and would trace her math answers over and over. This really slowed her down in math time, and I was so frustrated. I fussed at her and asked why she did that???! She timidly said, “So you can read my answers clearly.” (tears) I would have those days back if I could and really enjoy them instead of feeling such pressure from the world and others about ACADEMICS, ACADEMICS, ACADEMICS! No, keep their heart at all cost!
What do you wish you’d done differently? *Not been so tough on them. Thank God He has given us another set to train and maybe we’ll get it right!
What do you think is the most important thing to remember about launching our children into adulthood? *Trust God. A friend told me yesterday, “You know that when Mariam and Moses’ mother put together the basket for baby Moses, they wondered, “Did I put enough tar on this basket to keep him from sinking???” That is such a good analogy of motherhood and what you are asking….We have to do our part and trust God with the rest. I am still learning that one! 🙂
You got lots of great answers and a variety of situations. There is no formula. Again, you have made great choices in raising your children. Keep it up!