Good morning! I hope you all had a lovely weekend. We spent Saturday preparing a vegetable garden. I will try to share pictures tomorrow. . . .in the meantime, here is our 3rd question in our Dear Older Lady series. We have gotten so many wise and inspiring answers to them so far. Thank you to all who participate. I would be interested in getting some input from the ladies and the men on this one. So if a Christian man is reading this, feel free to answer the question!
Titus 2:1-5 “But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine: That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things.
That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
“Sometimes I feel the Lord is leading our family to make a change, and my husband doesn’t agree with me. What should I do?”
***edit) Don’t forget to message me a question for another time if you think of one!
Good to be Home 
I think the right answer is to submit to our husband, with respect and love. God commands our relationship between husband and wife to be like the relationship between the church and Jesus Christ. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22 “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in EVERYTHING.” Ephesians 5:24
I’ve experienced this many times. I’ve done it the right way and the wrong way. I’ve learned from my mistakes and would recommend submitting the right way–God’s way. If a decision is made (small or big) and you and your husband are not unified in it it ends up with a lot of hurt feelings, grudges . . . just a lot of negative consequenses that effect your relationship with God and your husband. While it may not be easy to submit when it seems like you have the right answer in your mind, it is the best for your marriage.
respect your husband. And tell him that you repect him and will honor him and his decisions. then stay respectfully quiet. We women can tend to secretly think we have the handle on spiritual truth – don’t believe it.
God designed the PERFECT marriage…Christ is the head of the husband, the husband is the head of the wife. Anything outside of that perfect chain of command does not glorify God. Our husbands need our affirmation that they are great leaders almost more than anything else. If we want to make our husbands feel inadequate, unable to lead, disrespected, unworthy, etc., all we need to do is usurp their God-given authority. Our husbands may not always make “right” leadership choices, but if we respect and bless them anyway, they will feel like kings. That doesn’t mean we can’t discuss things or make suggestions, but ultimately the decision must come from our husbands and we must respectfully submit to that.
Taming of the shrew said it extremely well…”we women can tend to secretly (or not so secretly) think we have the handle on spiritual truth”. That is a lie from the evil one and if we have that attitude with our husband, he will feel like a complete failure.
Like ElishaDecker, I’ve handled these situations God’s way and my way…God’s way will work every single time. I have botched things so many times trying to do it my way.
God’s blessings to all women as we strive to follow God’s truth…
Great Questions and Answers! * I hate just popping in here to read the questions and read what the “wiser” women are saying so I am going to just leave you a mini to let you know I was here!
I’m not married, but I can say something based on what I see in my parents – my mom is the more vocal partner in the relationship, while my dad is quieter. But as far as I’ve seen, my mom has always submitted to my dad, even though she may disagree with him and she thinks her way is better. Of course, both of them don’t sweat the small stuff, but the big things… my mom knows what to do, and that is to let my dad make the decision. I am thankful that my parents are great examples to my siblings and me. 🙂
Hey Shanda! It’s been awhile…..=/ trying to get settled in.
I love this question/answer. Super responses here, and I would have to say amen. Blessings to you~
I’ve counseled Christians and non-believers about this very subject. To non-believers: To me, it’s common sense to not move forward with a change that will affect the entire family based on your own “whim” or what your *gut instinct* is telling you. Marriage is a “partnership” whether it’s a Christian marriage, or not. The beginning of deterioration in a relationship comes when each takes off in their own direction and finds the other one has headed someplace else. In the world, that is called a “split.”To Christians: As those who have answered before me stated, the Bible gives clear counsel to a Christian wife (and to the husband) on the roles each is to play within the marriage. I can’t imagine God leading me somewhere, my telling my husband about it, my husband telling me I’m “way out there,” and me proceeding without him by my side. In the Bible that is called “division” and “strife” and it defeats the point of marriage (the two becoming one).I AM blessed to have a husband who agrees we should BOTH agree before we EVER proceed with a change of ANY kind. That includes worldly things like major purchases, decorating or landscaping, giving a certain amount of money as a donation at church, helping the needy from our household pantry, how to handle a situation with our children . . . just to name a few.The hardest thing to do is pray, wait on the Lord, and BE PATIENT – especially when you are so sure you are right. My advice: If God hasn’t spoken the same thing to your husband – it might not have been God you were hearing. Be careful!
Submitting to one’s husband is God-directed and for me, many times, it becomes almost like “waiting on the Lord” to see what He has for us by waiting to see what my husband decides about something. And many times, it is affirmation about what the Lord has already revealed in my heart. Sometimes, my husband’s decision is not what I would like it to be, but I have learned the hard way (like joy4jesus) that my way over his does not work if I am not in submission to him. God is always faithful to bless us if we but follow His plan for us ~ and in this matter, I have definitely found it so.
Ultimately, our motive should be to bring glory to God. As we wait on our husbands leadership, with respectful behavior and with a quiet and gentle spirit, this brings favor with God but it also makes us more beautiful to our husbands. There have been many times after discussing a matter, and I quietly submitted to my husbands decision, he would come back later and re-discuss it. If they know that we respect them they have greater love for us and will genuinely care about our opinions. It breaks my heart to see women show disrespect to their husbands by doing what they want because they feel God has “called them” to thus and thus against their husbands authority…and often times against the vows they made before God and men to honor their husbands till death do they part.
Pray! Let God lead your husband! He is allowed to do it, and He knows how to speak so your husband will listen. The Holy Spirit is really good at His job.
Great answers! I asked Rich this question and he looked at me and said, “PRAY! And DON’T NAG!” LOL
Ok, I’m not “older-older” but I am “older” in that I counselo young wives in their 20’s, so I’m going to answer this one too! Cuz it’s a big deal for me! PRAY and let God lead your man! I have found in my own marriage that the quieter I remain but the more I pray, the faster I see things happen!
These answers are awesome and, from my own 11 months experience in marriage () have already proven to be very true. I love what joy4jesus424 said about our husbands’ need for affirmation in their leadership – SO true. Surprisingly and to my delight, I have actually discovered that the more loved/respected/affirmed my husband has felt by me, the more he seems to have sought out my opinions and feelings on things. I have also experienced that, even when he leads in a different direction from what seems “right” to me, it is often apparent later to indeed be what was best, or else the Lord uses it for a special purpose. All that has made me more wary of my own “instincts” of God’s leading when inconsistent with that of my husband’s. There HAVE been a few times when (not necessarily over a “spiritual” issue) I have been hopping mad at T because he didn’t agree with me, but I have often told him, “Please don’t ever ‘give in’ to me in those times; a ‘REAL MAN’ is what I always wanted to marry…” lol – once or twice he reminded me of that at a time when I didn’t want him to.
this may have already been shared. haven’t had a chance to read through all the comments yet – which i will come back & do when i have more than a few sec. to really ponder & get each word…:)what always comes to my mind is Eph. 5:22 – we are to submit to our husbands, as unto THE LORD. for me, if there’s something S. is telling me/ wanting for our family, and i’m not liking it.. as long as my focus is on my husband i stay uptight and mad. but when i look past him to GOD.. submitting myself to HIM.. it becomes a whole different battle. and my perspective changes.i think it boils down to faith = do we really believe that a perfect God uses imperfect men (ah, not our husbands eh? =D)to reveal/ teach us more of Himself~? and that He is big enough and powerful enough to change/ work in their hearts if they are not in His will~? and when/ and maybe never the outcome is what we’re wanting–once again, opportunity to walk in faith and TRUST >even when we don’t understand< that God is indeed working EVERYthing together for our good. He cannot, and does not make any mistakes~”my soul wait thou ONLY on God – for my expectation is from HIM!” Ps. 62:5
My husband and I have been married 25 years, serving the Lord together since 1990. So, with that out of the way….I will say this ~ I am still learning that one! Just yesterday we had this discussion. We believe that a wife is a helpmeet; a completer. Sometimes I suggest things that my husband hasn’t even given a thought to and it’s the right solution! A wife has input into decisions, and in our family, I do make suggestions that are heard. However, the final say is with him. I can’t say I have NEVER nagged, reminded repeatedly or pushed him to make a decision I wanted. = (
A great booklet to read on this is “Me? Obey Him?” (the author’s last name is Hammond). I bought it from http://www.nogreaterjoy.org. They have a great book called Created to be His Helpmeet.
It is not easy, and at times I have had to bite my tongue. The Lord has ALWAYS helped me when I have yielded to his leading with the right heart. When I have done that, I have seen over and over again, God provide something SO MUCH BETTER than I was wanting or thought we needed.
I hope this helps! It is not cut and dry and I believe it depends on what the decision is…major or minor. Also, I have to look and see what my motive is….thats the key!
Stephanie <><
When I re-read my comment, I want to say that it is cut and dry. The scriptures you and others have quoted bear that out. We are to submit to our own husbands. In the book, Me? Obey Him? she shows over and over examples from the Bible where the wife submitted to the husband, even if he were wrong, or seemed wrong, and God vindicated them. It is important to be in agreement in the end. In the meantime, like your husband said, mine would amen that, “Pray and do not nag”!
This is an area that God has surely been working on me. I have learned (the hard way I might add) that even though I think I know best, God has the PERFECT PLAN not me. I am learning to hold my tongue, as difficult as it may be and watch what God will do through the man HE put over me. If I feel God is leading our family a certain direction I share my heart with my husband and then PRAY. In the past I would bring it back up over and over again, trying to sway my husband the way I felt God was leading. Over the past year the Lord has shown me how wicked that way truly is. Now I am happy to share my heart and then sit and wait, even if I have to sit on my hands LOL.
I think women have a really hard time with this one. Especially if they passionately and adamantly dissagree with their husband. We forget that we don’t answer to God for him, but we do answer to God for ourselves and our responses. I think there are times when we are able to share our point of view and we can even confront sin if we see it. The issue is more the way we do that. The Scripture is very very clear on a woman’s role and her manner. “She is to be sober, discreet, chaste…” Those words are powerful words. Not worrying, fretting, nagging.. We are not to be emotional, angry, striving… Sober. that word says to me that we are to think before we talk, be serious about what we say and what we do and very very very careful. The word discreet has an element of privacy to it. We need to protect our husbands and our marriages and not go and obtain ‘counsel’ from numerous people about our husbands and his ‘problem’ which, in effect, is really gossip. This is VERY hard for women to understand, but it is also SIN. Too many women are running around the church bad mouthing their husbands in the name of ‘obtaining counsel’ and instead are ‘plucking their (marriages) down with their hands’. I would say that once the wife has shared her opinion in a respectful and sober manner after much prayer, she needs to submit to the leadership of her husband. We need to not try to control our husbands and his decision as much as we need to control our emotions and responses. God Bless! 🙂
P.S. if the LORD is truly leading the family to a change, then isn’t our almighty God able to lead our husbands and change their hearts? God isn’t up there pacing and wringing his hands (as we wives often are) over the husband’s impending ‘bad’ decision. God is sovereign. We can’t always trust man, but we CAN always trust our God. He WILL lead and provide. We just need to trust and obey.
there are some great answers here! i was going to add something but it has basically been said, and that was just that we are to submit to our husbands. while in that place we can pray about the decision we are being led in and that the Lord will convict our husbands if it is His will. this is also a time of learning patience and that timing is everything.
Ok… moment of embarrassment time… I actually giggled when having say “and obey” during my vows at my wedding. I naively thought Josh and I were so perfect together that we would always be in agreement, so there would be no need to “submit.” Nine years later, I know the truth. I, too, have done things the wrong way and the right way. I have also tried not to share my feelings, thinking that was submitting. But my husband craves my input and wants to know how I feel, while ultimately leaving the decision up to him – and trusting him to make the right decision. God has laid it out so clearly, we have no choice but to obey.
The husband is the God appointed leader of the home. We as wives and helpmeets are to rest under that leadership and assist in any way we can. A wife should always pray for her husband in the decisions he is to make but never overstep the boundary and make big decisions for him. If God is truly leading your family to a change he will lead your husband in that direction.
One cannot improve on God’s blueprint.A correct view of God and His sovereignity is critical.
Again such good responses. I agree we are to submit to our husbands as to the Lord, and also that we should pray. I remember going to a retreat once and the speaker said that we need to surrender our pride and surrender to God. Yes, even when we have been hurt or “know” that we are right. I came home and was tested right away. Rather than keep those feelings of righteous hurt and wrong against my husband , I went in the bathroom and surrendered them to the Lord. God took all the hurt so instantly I was astounded….I think that was to show me that yes, this was the way to go…because it has not always been so immediate
And also I agree that when we show loving submission and respect, than our husband will be much more likely to discuss things with us. My husband has even told me to share….as he values what I have to say after 30 years together. He said he will not always agree but will often think about what I have said and may change his thinking. This does not happen when I am emotional ( we women tend to go this way) So being “sober and discrete” lines up here as well. Again, this is hard for us to do and shouldn’t be done in our own strength but in leaning and submitting to the Lord. I don’t always get this right…but I am learning…and God’s ways do bring blessing! Our culture often teaches rebellion,deceit,and manipulation which are all contrary to God’s ways. Because it is cultural it can be hard for us to see when we are doing it. Again we need to go to God to reveal it to us, and go to His word to renew our mind to a new way of thinking.
Additionally, to love our husband, we need to give them our attention. Sometimes our children and fatique can cause us to leave our husbands with little of ourselves. Men recieve so much from us just being loving to them. Seems so obvious, but you women all know how sickness, fatique, cares, kids, etc. can overwhelm us and we end up having nothing left. It is not that we have to be unreal….just letting them know we love and appreciate their help at the end of the day is great,rather than taking it for granted. I still find that I respond when affirmed by my husband and he loves it when I greet him with hugs and kisses! blessings, Jenny
enjoyed looking here over the answers~ I have found that resting in Jesus, knowing He does nothing by accident and everything is to make me more like Him, surely helps my outlook. Not holding hurt inside or stuffing any anger is key ~ holding to Jesus, trusting HIm, simply loving God and letting the HOly Spirit allow that to flow towards our man.
This is a really hard one for me, so I’m going to refrain for now, but I did read the comments, and they are helpful to me.
Pray. God answers prayers in amazing ways…either our husband’s heart will change or our heart will change. Don’t forget to tell the Lord all about your feelings and fears…He understands. He can convey these things to our husbands.
Wow, you guys are great. I know sometimes it is easier to say than to do, but your answers are great council for younger believers.
As one of the few male commenters to Shanda’s blog, I can say that one of the biggest challenges that the ladies will have is submitting to a guy who is being an idiot. I’ve have been that idiot many times myself. I tend to be selfish and afraid of conflict and outright stubborn. My wife struggles with waiting on me to hear from the Lord and not going ahead and doing what she knows it right.
Our recent church move (documented to some degree on my Xanga) was one that she wanted to do for at least 5 years. It was very difficult for her to continue at the church just because I still did not think it was time to leave. Was I right in waiting? Was I being selfish just because I had leadership opportunities? I don’t think I will know that for sure until I meet Christ face to face. But she was faithful (for the most part) to follow until I felt the Lord say “go”.
The men’s part of this equation is as challenging as having to submit. We have to, and are accountable for, leading the family in the direction that God has ordained for us. This weighs heavily on me when I am in my idiot phase!!
Also, Rich’s comment was very accurate “don’t nag”. With me nagging gets the opposite outcome as my wife wants. I was relating in our bible study this morning that I get a strange satisfaction in not going the way my GPS tells me to go. Bottom line is, as men we have an innate dislike for being “told” what to do. J
You will be rewarded richly for your Godly attitudes!!
I loved reading everyones answers. It is somtimes hard to let our husbands have the final decision, especially when I am stubborn and opinionated. At times I catch myself and have to take a step back and know that my husband will make the best decision for his family. This was a good question!
@Happy_Feet_99 – awesome input!! Thanks so much.
I know this was a couple days ago but I really wanted to answer. The Word of God tells us to love our husbands. The best way we can love our husbands is to give him respect (wether we believe he “deserves” respect or not), a man needs respect even more than love. When I read the book “Love and Respect”, I understood this so much more. We often gripe about our husbands and think of him as someone who can not clean as well, decorate as well, care for his own children as well as we do etc…we micromanage our husbands to the point they feel completely defeated.
Our husbands have been appointed by God as the head of their home. This may not be “popular” but it is God’s plan. We can respect our husband’s choices and know and trust that obeying our husband is God’s best for us. That may sound “door matish” but it is not at all. In turn, God will fill those places in our heart where maybe we didn’t “get our way” so to say and we feel we “lost”. God can and will just allow those desires to line with His desires for our lives.
I don’t know if this even makes any sense but I felt led to write it.
Have a wonderful day!
~Amy
good answers! I especially liked Cherylyn’s and Hutch5. It is so important to wait until a couple comes into agreement. Otherwise Satan can use it to drive a wedge if something doesn’t go right with the decision that was made, and they start blaming – a real “no, no”!! We wives have so much safety being under the “umbrella” of our husbands.
I think a wife needs to be able to make suggestions, and discuss and pray together about it. Often she sees the ‘finer points’ and he usually has a little more ‘logic’!
My hubby and I get a monthly e-newsletter from Steve and Terri Maxwell, http://www.titus2.com
As I read it yesterday, I thought of this post. She has been writing each month on “What To Do When You Disagree With Your Husband”. Some of your readers might want to check it out. She and her husband have eight children, one married, the rest at home; some older, some younger. There is a variety on their site.
Our family loves the Moody Family series books their oldest daughters has written. They are geared to younger children, elementary/middle school, but we all enjoy the beautiful simplicity in each book.
Just thought I’d pass that along.