This week has been a hard one for me, emotionally and physically. It’s almost as if my body and mind said, “Okay, that’s enough” and just basically stopped feeling good…..it’s been so hard. .
I started having nights of insomnia. Take away my ability to sleep and I turn into a mess. Panic, anxiety, fretting, guilt, tears…..why why why am I all of a sudden like this?
(Rich was gone this week…I had two days and two nights on my own, taking care of everything here. I think that is what pushed me to my limits. I had to go out with all the children on Monday, to David’s school. The older kids had art and then I went to the library with the three little ones, carrying that heavy infant carseat. I don’t think I should have done those things.)
Today is Friday. I’m sitting in the chair in my robe, my hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. Caleb woke up wet, so he has clean clothes on already, and his bedding is in the washer.
I made the kids scrambled eggs for breakfast. David has been asking for them for days. Grace cracked the dozen eggs for me. They’ve all had their breakfast and their milk and/or juice and their toast and David is on his way to school on the bus. Table is cleared, dishwasher is filled.
Jacob, Ethan, and Grace are busy cleaning their rooms. I have someone coming here today, at 10:30, to look at the house. I am going to hire a cleaning service. I’m not sure how often I will be able to have them come, it depends on the price. Rich said, “Do what you need to do, and don’t worry about the cost.” (EDIT: The maids have been hired! And they will come every other week for now. The cost was much less than I imagined, and I am thrilled to say the least.)
I’m also in the process of trying to find a doula (thanks to my xanga friend Danielle for the suggestion!). I spoke with someone yesterday who was encouraging to me, and she said that it would do me so much good to have some extra help for a few weeks (or longer). The doula would come once or twice a week, for at least 4 hours at a time, and would help me with light housework, children, running errands, and meals. I am somewhat hesitant about having a stranger in the home, but I hope and pray that whoever the Lord sends here (if it works out) will be a friend from the beginning and willing to work hard for me.
I’ve been working very hard here ever since Seth was born. I guess I’ve been doing too much. I like to work, because it makes me feel normal and gives me a feeling of accomplishment. But this week I have gotten to the point of utter exhaustion, so tired that I can’t settle down to sleep and then my mind goes and goes. . .such negative thoughts, bad thoughts whirling around in my head that I can’t seem to stop. I pray and tell God about it, but there are times when even that doesn’t seem to help.
The children still make me smile. My heart still feels joy over my baby. I do have times when I feel normal. For that I am thankful.
My lips (this is sort of funny) are sore, I realized yesterday when they started to hurt, that I’ve been pulling my lips in and biting them in my stress, over and over until now they hurt!!!
I started a low dose antidepressant medication yesterday morning. I hesitate to admit that. For some reason, it makes me feel weak and guilty to admit that I’m on medication, despite the fact that I’ve been on it 2 other times after 2 of my other babies. During this time of my insecurites, I have relied on the judgement of the people in my life that I love & trust the most (my husband, my parents, and my closest friends) –they have all encouraged me and tell me that it’s a good idea. I am so thankful that I live in a time and place where this option–of medication– is available!! PPD is a very real thing! And not fun to get through.
I just do not have the time to feel this way. I have to be well. I cannot spend any of my newborn’s early life a miserable mess. I want to remember these days with fullness of joy, not heartache.
I thank you for all your prayers and encouragement here. I know that God is answering them. I don’t know why I’m in this low point, except that maybe God brought me here so that I would ask for help, and let people take care of me.
My sister was here yesterday for about four hours and I spent most of that time resting. She is coming over again today. I can’t thank her enough.
My angel of a sister:
Rich is working so hard during the day, but has found a way to help me at night and he is happy to do it. He sleeps on the couch with Seth nearby, in his playpen. When Seth wakes up, Rich brings him to me so I can feed him. After his feeding, I take him back out to the livingroom and put him in his playpen. Then, I get a snack for myself and go right back to bed. If Seth is a stinker and doesn’t go right back to sleep, Rich takes care of him. This takes so much worry off me, knowing that I won’t have to get up again. Now, if only I can fall back to sleep, I’d really be in good shape. Last night I just tossed and turned. However, I think I did get about 5 hours of total sleep.
Rich actually ENJOYS the night times with Seth. It is helping the bonding process, because Rich does not get to spend as much time with baby during the day. Seth looks just like his Daddy and Rich is so so proud of him!
My mom is also a huge encouragement to me, she told me to start reading in bed again, which she knows relaxes me. TeaLady, do you see what I chose to read? LM Montgomery is a tried and true “friend”. Just as cozy as a warm blanket . . . . .
Also, my friend Christie each day has sent me such reassuring, caring emails. THANK YOU CHRISTIE
Hannah has sent me so many notes and letters, I smile whenever I get the mail and see another envelope from Alaska, thank you Hannah!
I will say, Rich has another business trip next week that I am aching over. He will leave Tuesday night and get back on Thursday night….which means three nights of evening/night hours without him. I honestly do not know how I will get through that. Just thinking about it makes me panic. Rich feels terrible but there is nothing we can do.
Okay. Enough. Now for some pictures.
Oh the neck….is so cute!
Those happy eyes. Who’s my pretty baby?
Look at his thumbs! Gripped so tightly in those little fists! Oh, the little love . . . .
Amanda just called me to see if I needed anything at the store before she leaves to come over. She sounds bright and happy this morning and had another good idea for me—she said that our local grocery store has a service in which we can order groceries and pay for them online, and then all we would have to do is drive over to pick them up. She also reminded me that I am doing great… and that any mom with five children plus a newborn would need help and a support group. Silly me, I’ve been trying to do much on my own…and now I am in the process of surrounding myself with HELPERS. Hope….is a wonderful thing!
Okay, I must go……Seth is awake and ready for breakfast #2.
Jacob took this picture, we are both proud of it. I so wanted one, of my little Seth yawning.