“…and the burden of my heart rolled away…”
“…this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior, all the day long…”
I’ve had a heavy burden on my heart for almost three weeks, the intensity of which has come and gone depending on the circumstances and how tired I was at the time. In a nutshell, my dear husband has been working very long hours to a point where I was beginning to get very bitter and resentful.
Am I the only one who gives her husband the mental evil eye? That’s how I was feeling, like an injured kitty cat, squinting my evil eyes, ready to swipe with sharp claws……but, on the other hand I was also feeling empty, discouraged, disappointed, and hopeless…seeing my life as a young mom full of endless days of taking care of the children all day long, literally, with a barely-there partner. In short, while Rich was consumed with work, I was consumed with my SELF.
I’ve cried, I’ve gotten mad, I’ve debated, I’ve given the silent treatment, I’ve worked myself all up. “It’s just not fair!!!” “I was never meant to be the wife of a cooperate executive!” “I don’t want to live for the weekends!”
You get the picture. It was a huge party. Pity party, that is.
So. I’ve been trying to be very honest with the Lord in my prayers. Instead of “Dear Lord, I’m sorry that I am sinning against my husband, please forgive me and help me to do better,” I prayed this:
“Lord, I don’t even know what to say. I feel hopeless and bitter. I don’t like my life right now. I don’t want to be fake, I cannot pretend to have feelings that I don’t have. I don’t know what You’re going to do, but I know it’s Your will that I have peace in my heart so I will wait on You.” And I would get up off my knees, and shake my head “hopeless” and continue on, muttering in my mind.
I did not say I was sorry. ’cause I wasn’t. (yet) I didn’t walk around Rich acting all happy. ’cause I wasn’t.
However, I also did not smash plates, even though I felt like it on several occasions.
Now, this is not about ME and “my issues”. I’m writing all this so I can tell you about my Father in heaven. Only He knows the real darkness of my heart and the bluest of blue thoughts and attitudes I’ve been having (and how wrong I’ve been). And yet, in His mercy, He filled my soul with His Spirit….the contrast between my flesh and His spirit is like night and day, sickness and health!
Here’s the amazing part. Last night I was all prepared to be upset again, but when Rich got home, I felt LOVE, warm soft happy love toward him, instead. We didn’t talk about stuff. He came in and sat down to dinner with us, we were in the middle of eating our enchiladas and cheesy corn casserole and he just came in and got some food. After we ate I cut us all big huge pieces of warm chocolate cake and we ate that too. Meanwhile, the children were talking a lot and I was pretty quiet.
After dinner Rich said we needed wood pellets for our stove and so I said, “Okay, let’s go! We’ll throw the little boys in the truck and the older kids can stay here for 15 minutes while we go get them”….and on the way Rich remarked (probably with some fear)…”You’re quiet again tonight.” and I reached over and took his hand, the hand I know so well. I was quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet. We held hands and it felt like the first time (that was God). I’m sitting here right now, with tears in my eyes, thinking about it, and how good his hand felt in mine at that moment.
When we got home Rich and Jacob sat on the floor to look through a magazine together and I got on the floor with them and put my head on Rich’s lap…..just enjoying the closeness (like a cat again, but this time a content sleepy purring one) while they talked.
After the kids went to bed the two of us watched TV but I wasn’t festering with bad thoughts in my head, I was at rest, I had joy again……nothing had changed in our circumstances, but God changed my heart, He really did! I mean, I’m up this morning and Rich is gone to work and I’m AMAZED with God!!! AMAZED! And so thankful.
I wanted to write this all out so that I can remember that the next time I’m at the end of my rope I can confidently tell the Lord all about it and wait on Him. He fixed me!
“But the fruit of the Spirit (not Shanda) is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” Galatians 5:22,23
Good to be Home 
What? I came across this FIRST? I remember someone else saying that here recently…I never thought it would be me! 🙂
Love You! Thanks for sharing…I know that it is hard to be “real” here. But this was a great post. I have had those thoughts toward many of my family – you know the ones – “Am I the only one that cares that we have to dodge things to walk through the living room…” ” Am I the only one that notices that the garbage needs to go out, or that the laundry is taking over the back hall, or that the kids are getting into trouble…” All selfish statements – but I finally blew last week…
Rog was putting the kids to bed and had just asked me if he should give Meg medicine – I just stated “I am through for today – I just can’ t make another decision” I went downstairs and proceeded to cry and tackle all of those things that had been bugging me for the day….loading the dishwasher, washing the pots and pans, taking the garbage out…Rog finished putting the kids to bed – by the time he was done I had cried it out. He just came up and started drying the dishes. I didn’t talk with him for a while. But just the fact that he dried the dishes instead of going to the computer, or turning on the TV spoke volumes. It was my little gift from God and my hubby.
That was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so REAL.I found your honesty encouraging as there are some strong parallels to my own struggles here.I have been studying,( very slowly learning,) what 2 Cor. 10:4-6 means, (especially vs. 5,) and how He wants to apply it to my mind and life!I can’t change how I FEEL, but HE CAN change how I THINK, which WILL change how I feel!”The steadfast mind is not a matter of denial.” I appreciate your testimony of HIS faithfulness!!!
It is so easy to think I’m putting up with all the stress in our lives and not be thankful enough for the blessing of being able to stay where I am and knowing there’s a faithful husband and steady income to depend on.
Thank you for sharing about something that we all deal with from time to time.
Thanks for sharing your heart and How God is at work. I love to see the evidence of His fingerprints in the lives of people.
One of the best things about your posts is the transparency and honesty. So many of us struggle with the very things you write about yourself but few are willing to admit weaknesses. The best part is that you have the Lord working in and through you and you share that part as well! Thank you for sharing this and every other struggle you have bared to us. I dont always get to comment but I do always read and pray for you -we share the same birthstone and year afterall
Again Shanda…that’s why I enjoy reading your blog soo much…you are so real with us. You give so much encouragement to other momma’s and wives who are at the end of their ropes! Thank you, thank you for sharing that…really it’s just what I needed to start my day!
Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thanks for sharing. I too get convicted of my “selfishness” when I become discontent with my husband’s schedule. I am so glad for a forgiving God. (and a forgiving and understanding husband).
thank you for this. I needed to hear it.
(and keep resisting the urge to smash plates…don’t ruin that fiesta ware! 😉
Reminds me of Psalm 51:10. “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” I know when I finally admit to God that my spirit is not right about something, He can work to “fix” me. I hate feeling like that, don’t you? But, for some reason, we just have to have that time of “wallowing” a bit before we hand it over. I am glad God gave you back the peace and joy, my dear!
I really appreciated your post! It ministered to me very much! My husband works 4 1/2 hrs. away and only comes home wk-ends, and yeah, I get very tired of living for the wk-end. When I’m thankful my heart loves and I can see beyond my needs. Another thing I noticed is that the children are a mirror of who I was during the week when their daddy walks thru the door. As hard as it is for me at times, my goal is to make our home a haven of rest and joy when he comes home. I fail so much, but that is why my Jesus is perfect!
I have been a reader of your blog for about a year and I appreciate your honesty! Thanks~ Teresa
Shanda, thank you for sharing how God is using this trying time in your life to change you, to focus you and to grow you. Our God is amazing, isn’t He? What an amazing testimony of what He can do, if we only let Him. You could have fought Him and still held on to those feelings, but you didn’t and I’m sure you have been blessed by it.
I am so glad God has given you the peace you need! Quick fixes like complaining and baggering our husbands until we get what we want or need (help with the children, cleaning the house, even down to getting a break from a friend or babysitter) they help but nothing can change our heart except God alone.
You can throw a band-aid on top of a wound but only God can heal and restore us from the inside out! And he wants to!!!
Don’t let Satan trick you when you are tired he knows exactly what to do to all of us he whispers in our ear (he must love work more then you!, you are just like a single mom, no one cares about you, its so hard having kids, why even bother??? ect…) until we believe it in our heart and it festers and festers and the only cure is going to God.
It was very refreshing to know that you are doing better and thanks for sharing the truth about how you have been feeling and how God has worked in your life. *The only way we can share how he has been working in our lifes and how he is perfectly faithful is to also admit to ourself and others we have a need that only God can fix.* -Honesty!
I love you- Sissy
Thanks Shanda for being real and sharing the beautiful testimony of a woman who has a Father God bigger then herself. Your husband had to see God in you last night… God bless your day and your marriage.
Thank you for sharing! Our God can do amazing things in our attitudes and I so often forget to ask for his help.
Thank you for sharing and being real. I needed this!!!!
A testimony to the Lord! I praise Him with you! He is our peace, our heart changer – our joy when we can’t make it come. thank you for sharing from your heart – sometimes it’s little things like reaching for their hand and resting in our Maker that content our heart and quiet our spirit and allow the Holy Spirit to work.Blessings on your day~ and all those wonderful children of yours.Alyssa
I have been feelin similar to that……..and I too went to god (finally!) and went to bed with peace in my heart and am determined to net let things get in the way of that today!!! Thanks for sharing!
I’m so glad for the real you Shan. I know you’re real on here all the time but sometimes we don’t share burdens on here and as children of the Lord, He wants our burdens to be shared so that we can carry them together not all on our own. I read this post and saw what a healer God is, and how full of mercy and grace He is. I too have been learning a lot from God lately. I’ve really been listening . . . I love you! Love, Lish
praising God with you. What a great testimony. You explain it so well Shanda. We cannot do it on our own….I love that you explain that surrender…it doesn’t have to be pretty or done right. Just the act of inviting Him in, and our God is so gracious, isn’t He?! Praying for that contentment and strength. Blessings, Jenny
Thanks for being vulnerable here. I have tears in my eyes b/c I know how you feel, and I’m so thankful for the ways that God has changed and is continually, faithfully, and beautifully changing my own heart. He’s incredible.
Wonderful testimony. I needed to hear that this morning.
Awww, that’s why I love you Shanda. Without meeting you in person, I KNOW you are real! BTW: We covered the Galatians 5 verse in school this week. It must be going around!
You don’t know me but it was an encouragement to hear your words of honesty about your relationship to your husband. I think we all can identify with the frustrations but you have encouraged me to just be honest with God about how i am feeling and let Him work His change in me!
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful testimony! I know it could not have been easy to share with all of us, but you did. I really enjoyed reading this! It is so easy to get caught up in the “why me”. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Shanda, you once again touched my heart with a post. My husband has been to Europe 6 times in the past 5 weeks. He’s only gone 3 days at a time but it’s been HARD! I too feel the “why me this isn’t what I signed up for” coming on more often than I’d like to admit. But the Lord is teaching me so much during those times. And as long as we keep leaning on Him we will make it through.
Blessings~
this moved me! i felt my heart leap out as it listened to YOUR heart.. i can identify! i think all of us as wives can. amazing in God’s economy how things are always so opposite to how we think they should be – to get we must give. to live we must die. to find strength we must be weak… and it’s SO HARD to do!! 🙂 in and of ourselves, right? that’s why we NEED Him. i appreciate the LIVING TESTIMONY you are of a God who is bigger and more powerful than anything we’re going through…i loved what you said here – “nothing had changed in our circumstances, but God changed my heart, He really did!” and wow! how that comforts and encourages me right now w/ something i’m facing!!Shanda, thanks for being SO NORMAL! 🙂 you’re a joy to know!<3 ya.
You are so refreshingly honest – and God is so very faithful. Blessings and Love.
We have been having revival meetings at our church and the speaker spoke on this very passage. It is AMAZING to me the ways God speaks to me. I have had the EXACT same attitude as you dear friend against my husband and his long work hours as I am at home alone with my boys. I prayed tonight for God to change my attitude. To crucify my flesh so Christ can live. To be a disciple of Jesus and not an enemy. To have a joyful spirit and not a contrite one. I will pray for you dear sister…please pray for me.
Thanks for being so real Shanda. I understand the difficulties of being at home (everyday/all day) and hubby is working long hours. A wonderful testimony of you bringing it all to God in a real way and the peace in your heart He has given you. Don’t be too hard on yourself either. Pregnancy is not always easy (and you have your children to take care of)and I think mums can easily be too hard on themselves too. Take it easy and hugs to you. Angela
wonderful that you could blog about this. you did better than me- it was peaceful for about 15 minutes after michael got home last night. then i was full of self AND guilt! thank you for your honesty. (at least i was able to apologize tho i didn’t feel like it)
I really want to comment but don’t know what to say! I am glad for your victory! I have had some serious struggles lately with contentment and attitudes and all that stuff, and it does come and go. I had such a great day on Wednesday that I thought I was “all better” but today has been another crash and burn day and I am super discouraged. thanks for your testimony.I am glad for the moments when I am overflowed with love and the right attitudes but they seem so few and far between. I know that I need to keep praying and being honest in my prayers, so thanks for that reminder!!there is more in my head but I don’t know how to get it out, so thanks again for being real with total strangers!!
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C.S. Lewis (But I could have said it to you today honey!) Lots of hugs and a rejoicing heart for HIS faithfulness.
Oh boy – did you take a look into my heart when you wrote that? (the icky stuff) Thanks for saying the hard things. (hugs)
Oh isn’t God good!!! He just wants us to be real with Him and then HE provides. Thank you for being so honest and transparent and sharing with us so we can all learn. I can so relate to this post!!
Now this is the kind of testimony and these are the kind of answers we all NEED – all about the real heart – change from GOD, regardless of circumstances. I’ve heard it said that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond. We need the lenses of God to be able to approach things like this.It IS hard, Shanda, the long, long days you are alone caring for every need of your six children and also trying to make the limited time with your husband meaningful. And when you are 6 months pregnant, that takes super-natural power of the DIVINE sort. Your testimony is so encouraging; our human feelings, even when they are valid, don’t have to be the end of the story. BEAR HUGS to you sweet friend!!! p.s. LOVED your sister’s comment.
Sometimes I think of how full your life is- you are a wife to a hard-working man and a mama (who homeschools no less) to six young children. And yet, in the midst of it all, you still take the time to be an encourager. You share highs and lows but no matter what you give God all of the praise and glory. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and transparent. Thank you for pointing others to Christ. Much love, Hannh. ((HUGS))
This brought tears to my eyes. I too have struggled with this, it’s the time of year. . at least for us. My husband travels a lot in the fall. We have four children ages 10 and under and I run a small daycare from our home. So at times I do feel like a single parent, carrying the load all by myself. Like you, I have a wonderful devoted husband. . . whose job allows me to stay home. Thank you for your post. It’s sweet, lovely and honest. . .truly spoken from your heart.