Here are some things that I said this week:


“Life is HARD” (said in the midst of a sob)

“I’m AFRAID of getting sick and dying.”

“I’m feeling MORBID and thinking too much about death.”

“I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to.  When I was having babies I felt ALIVE, now I don’t.  I don’t feel lively anymore.”

“I feel like I’ve lost me.”


Okay.  I know I said a lot more but thankfully I forgot the rest.  I’m sure RICH (my dear husband) remembers, but I don’t.  I was at a low low point.  My mind can be so negative at times, I’m telling you, confessing those sinful fears out loud to my husband was a turning point for me. 

Anyway, this all happened in the beginning of the week.  Then I picked up the March issue of “Tabletalk” magazine and got a good dose of truth.  A few aha! moments:


“Everything we think, feel, and do is etched into the neuronal fabric of our brains.  Think about those things that are good, true, and beautiful, and your brain will demonstrate a certain chemical footprint; indulge SINFUL IMAGINATIONS and it will have another.”  (what does God tell us to do?  “Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, if there be any virtue, any praise, think on THESE things”)

We may, as Christians, have periods of doubt when we cry, “LORD I BELIEVE, HELP THOU MY UNBELIEF”

“The cure for anxiety is found on our knees, it is the peace of God that calms our spirit and dissipates anxiety.”

“Take any spiritual problem–anger, fear, unbelief, guilt, or shame.  Allow it to persist without hearing the truth and comfort of the GOSPEL and responding to it.  The result, in susceptible people, can be depression.”  (I need to confess my sin of fear and unbelief )

“Suffering, on this side of the cross, has redemptive purposes.”

“This is the freeing truth you can learn through your depression:  you weren’t created to love and worship anything more than you love and worship God; and when you do, you’ll feel bad.  God has made you to feel pain when you’ve got other treasures that you’ve placed above Him.  He wants you to treasure HIM.”

“Rather than considering OURSELVES, our record, humiliation, and failure, WE ARE TO CONSIDER HIM (Christ).”  (ouch, very convicting)

“The depressed person needs to repeatedly hear this lovely statement, ‘Take heart, my son/daughter, your sins are forgiven.” 

“The depressed don’t simply need to feel better.  They need a Redeemer who says, ‘Take heart, my son, my daughter; what you really need has been supplied.  Life no longer need be about your goodness, success, righteousness, or failure.  I’ve given you something infinitely more valuable than good feelings:  your sins are forgiven.’  This forgiveness permanently cleanses not only outward conspicuous sin, but also HIDDEN unbelief, faithlessness, pride, self-sufficiency, and apathy.”


Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that my depression (and pretty much every depression I’ve had, except PPD, and I believe that was hormones)  results from all the obsessing I was doing about the “bad things” that “could happen” in my life, in the future.  At times, I think so much about negative things, that I create more and more fear and anxiety in my spirit.  I realized this week that I need to quickly confess those thoughts as SIN and get rid of it ASAP so that God can keep my thoughts pure and lovely.

I need to let go of my longing to CONTROL my own life. . . . I even wrote it on my hand, to remind me to LET GO and LET GOD.





0 thoughts on “control

  1. Isn’t it amazing how we can swing from highs to lows and back and forth so quickly?  I think we women are more prone to that and it is so frustrating!  For me, my memory is so short-lived that the lessons I learned yesterday or a few hours ago simply get lost in the emotion of the moments.  But, thankfully, we can still and always turn back to the source of our LIFE and lay those deathly thoughts and emotions down and begin yet once again.  Blessings to you, Shanda ~ onward and upward ~

  2. Don’t feel alone. My wife struggles the same. It always helps her to tell them to me. It seems like once they are “out” the emotional part of it is much easier to deal with. You are correct that God wants us to cast our burdens upon Him and know that we are to rest in His strength.
    What satan has meant for evil, God has truly used for good. Take heart when you encounter various trials and tribulations…. I have come to depend upon those words the past few weeks.

  3. “This is the freeing truth you can learn through your depression:  you weren’t created to love and worship anything more than you love and worship God; and when you do, you’ll feel bad.  God has made you to feel pain when you’ve got other treasures that you’ve placed above Him.  He wants you to treasure HIM.”
    I love this quote. I’m writing it in my journal!

  4. God bless you Shanda…..thank you for sharing what you are going through and the TRUTH you are so right about.  Somehow we as women are wired in such a way that we can fall into controling and worrying…..I think God gives us an ability to see things so we can help our children and have that Mom’s intuition about things…but the enemy desires to distort it.  Going to God is the answer and His word is life….He alone keeps us on the right track.  As I age my hormones are way wackier than I have ever experienced and sometimes I feel sooooo sad!  It has given me a heart for those with chemical depression.   Anyway, as I press into the Lord He has spoken such comfort and brought me closer to Him…..He is so faithful!  I agree with you about confessing to God…surrender and inviting Him in! Keep up the good fight!  Jenny 

  5. Sweet Shanda, I know how you feel.  I will add this–the lady leading our Bible study had us do an exercise in which she told us to close our eyes, and think of the most beautiful place we’ve ever seen and the sweetest thing in the world.  She laughed b/c we were all grinning from ear to ear (all moms thinking about babies!).  Then she had us close our eyes and think of something awful.  Even our demeanors changed.  When we rehearse thoughts that are negative it changes how we feel.  Our mind and our emotions are connected–they’re the part of us (the soul) that is being sanctified!  Our spirit is born again, but our dear soul is working out its salvation/sanctification throughout this life.  Philippians 4:8 is a good place to be; it is hard work though.  You’ve got to deny those thoughts access!!!!  I love you, and I hope you have a blessed day dwelling on the love of Jesus.

  6. this sounds similar to a struggle of the “30s” that I’ve gone through.  All my life as a young girl growing up, I dreamed of being a wife some day, and then having children…..all of a sudden those goals where fullfilled, and I was like NOW what???  What’s my purpose?  What do I have to look forward to?  It took awhile, but I feel like slowly the veil is being lifted…there still is purpose to my life, a reason for me to be here, to keep serving others (all though right at the moment I feel sooo tired)  Someone resently gave an illustration of their walk with Christ, and how sometimes it seems really dark around, like being in a house pitch black at night, but seeing a crack of light around a door, and walking toward that light….how if we can just keep our focus on that light/Christ and keep walking toward it, even in the darkest of times, He’s there leading us through….

  7. Depression can hit at a moments notice to any of us….we are all susceptible, because we are human. Some may stay down longer than others, but the truth is…Satan knows how to get our eyes off the One who has all the answers to our problems. He camps on our fears and weaknesses and inadequacies; then says to us…”See, you are no good. No one needs you here. Give up. You are a failure. Others do a much better job than you. Look how wrinkled and frumpy you are. That headache you have…it is only a matter of time. People would be better off without you. In fact, no one would even miss you.” These thoughts go on and on….unless we refocus back to Jesus, who declares to us that they are all LIES! Who are we going to believe?

  8. wow, this post really hits home with me because I tend to constantly dwell on the bad things that could happen and feeling very fearful at times. And the part you said about not having anything to look forward to…I’ve felt that as well. It’s an exciting time of life when you’re getting married and having kids, and you always look forward to the next event, but when that’s done what’s there to look forward to? Graduation? Grandkids? LOL Seems like a long wait for that! So thanks for sharing; it helps to know you feel the same way as me!

  9. Now that is interesting. Everyone feels a certain way and you were saying the things that you said this week. One of them being not feeling alive because you weren’t bringing babies into this world. I was just complaining of how tired and “lifeless” I felt because I have little ones and I’m pregnant. I guess the grass is always greener and God wants us to be content in what we have. Thanks for the reminder of what I need to be thankful for and that God is always the One in Control. How comforting!

  10. Girl…You need a light lamp!!!! Seriously it has changed my life, it has changed my mother’s life!!!!! Depression is a vicious chemical cycle…you would not dwell on the negative if you were not depressed and vice versa. Praying for you!Blessings,K

  11. I’ve struggled with depression sevral times, and I know that it a dark and deep thing to have to deal with. Praise GOD that we don’t have to do it alone! I will be praying for you… this time of the year can be especially hard for me to stay positive and cheerful. But God is faithful, and if I learned one thing through being in the pit is this – there is no pit too deep or too dark or too slimy to keep us out of reach of God’s grace and love, his arm is ALWAYS long enough
    hang in there.

  12. It is amazing what is possible when we trust in the Lord.  I’ve had a recent “awakening” in Him and I’m finding so much joy and awe right now, but there have been times when I’ve felt I was in the desert.  I’m not sure what the answer to leaving the desert is, but know that the end will come.  Maybe the answer is simple, physical like perhaps you do need that light that mamof2bugs spoke of or at least more time in the sun.  Lack of vitamin D makes us feel depressed.  It is Lent and one of the things I’m focused on right now is complaining  Anytime I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I try to redirect my mind.  Put a rubberband around your wrist and when you catch yourself snap it.  I’m reminded of a quote from Maya Angelou…”If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change your attitude.  Don’t complain.” 
    You are in my prayers. 

  13. Well, dear…you know that I, of all people, can certainly relate to these feelings.  I’m so glad the Lord has been working in your life, though, and showing you His presence, as He has to me.  It’s so nice to know that when our lives feel like utter chaos, God is quietly working and molding us to HIS glory, and leading us along the way.  Love you.

  14. Oh Shanda, I needed this one today. I struggle so much with truly letting go and letting God, and it causes me more worry than necessary. I woke up anxious this morning, worrying about something and sat down to read this post. Thank you for allowing God to use you as a blessing.

  15. I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbedthat he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which hadnever happened.      — Winston ChurchillPut down the burden honey, it isn’t yours! I continue to pray with much love for you! m in sc

  16. Thank you for being so honest in your post.   I have had some low days lately and it’s nice to know I’m not alone.   You are such a good person!!   I will be praying for you.

  17. “Everything we think, feel, and do is etched into the neuronal fabric of our brains.  Think about those things that are good, true, and beautiful, and your brain will demonstrate a certain chemical footprint; indulge SINFUL IMAGINATIONS and it will have another.”  That explains so much. Years ago I claimed Phil.4:8 as my verse to live by, it has definitely changed my mindset, I’m have much more JOY in my life, even when things are going badly. Sadly, my mother-in-law never learned that, by the time she died she was the most negative person I have ever known. Her mindset was one of worry, negativity and complaining. She was surrounded by family, a good husband, many grandchildren, a lovely home…but she lived a miserable life, never seeing the blessings and making everyone around her miserable too. .It is good that you know the solution and the Lord is faithful to help

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