Here are some things that I said this week:
“Life is HARD” (said in the midst of a sob)
“I’m AFRAID of getting sick and dying.”
“I’m feeling MORBID and thinking too much about death.”
“I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to. When I was having babies I felt ALIVE, now I don’t. I don’t feel lively anymore.”
“I feel like I’ve lost me.”
Okay. I know I said a lot more but thankfully I forgot the rest. I’m sure RICH (my dear husband) remembers, but I don’t. I was at a low low point. My mind can be so negative at times, I’m telling you, confessing those sinful fears out loud to my husband was a turning point for me.
Anyway, this all happened in the beginning of the week. Then I picked up the March issue of “Tabletalk” magazine and got a good dose of truth. A few aha! moments:
“Everything we think, feel, and do is etched into the neuronal fabric of our brains. Think about those things that are good, true, and beautiful, and your brain will demonstrate a certain chemical footprint; indulge SINFUL IMAGINATIONS and it will have another.” (what does God tell us to do? “Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, if there be any virtue, any praise, think on THESE things”)
We may, as Christians, have periods of doubt when we cry, “LORD I BELIEVE, HELP THOU MY UNBELIEF”
“The cure for anxiety is found on our knees, it is the peace of God that calms our spirit and dissipates anxiety.”
“Take any spiritual problem–anger, fear, unbelief, guilt, or shame. Allow it to persist without hearing the truth and comfort of the GOSPEL and responding to it. The result, in susceptible people, can be depression.” (I need to confess my sin of fear and unbelief )
“Suffering, on this side of the cross, has redemptive purposes.”
“This is the freeing truth you can learn through your depression: you weren’t created to love and worship anything more than you love and worship God; and when you do, you’ll feel bad. God has made you to feel pain when you’ve got other treasures that you’ve placed above Him. He wants you to treasure HIM.”
“Rather than considering OURSELVES, our record, humiliation, and failure, WE ARE TO CONSIDER HIM (Christ).” (ouch, very convicting)
“The depressed person needs to repeatedly hear this lovely statement, ‘Take heart, my son/daughter, your sins are forgiven.”
“The depressed don’t simply need to feel better. They need a Redeemer who says, ‘Take heart, my son, my daughter; what you really need has been supplied. Life no longer need be about your goodness, success, righteousness, or failure. I’ve given you something infinitely more valuable than good feelings: your sins are forgiven.’ This forgiveness permanently cleanses not only outward conspicuous sin, but also HIDDEN unbelief, faithlessness, pride, self-sufficiency, and apathy.”
Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that my depression (and pretty much every depression I’ve had, except PPD, and I believe that was hormones) results from all the obsessing I was doing about the “bad things” that “could happen” in my life, in the future. At times, I think so much about negative things, that I create more and more fear and anxiety in my spirit. I realized this week that I need to quickly confess those thoughts as SIN and get rid of it ASAP so that God can keep my thoughts pure and lovely.
I need to let go of my longing to CONTROL my own life. . . . I even wrote it on my hand, to remind me to LET GO and LET GOD.