I had an attack of fear today. . .it came gradually until by the time Rich came home at 5, when I saw him, all I could do was start to cry. My husband, after “all these years”, knows what to say and do to support me during these times. Tonight he gave me a choice. I could go out to dinner with him and the kids. I could stay home alone while he went out to dinner with the kids. Or, I could go to the kitchen with him and we would make dinner together.
I explained to him that I was feeling no desire to spend any more time with the children. I cried and felt terrible when I said it, but it was true.
He took the children out to dinner.
When they pulled out of the driveway, and I knew no one would witness the spectacle, I turned off the lights and cried and prayed out loud to God and told him truthfully everything I was thinking and confessed my fears. I prayed for a while and then I read my Bible out loud. I read chapters in John, in the dark, with only the light of the fireplace to help me read.
After I read for a while, I started to feel peace. I got up and turned on the lights and played some hymns on the piano. I sang some of them, too.
Listen!
“Though sorrows befall us and Satan oppose, God leads His dear children along;
Through grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes, God leads His dear children along.
Some through the waters, some through the flood,
Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
In the night season and all the day long.” From the hymn, “In Shady Green Pastures” by G.A. Young
and, this one:
Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today;
The depths of my sad heart are troubled; O waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish sweep o’er my sinking soul!
And I perish! I perish, dear Master; O hasten and take control!
The winds and the waves shall obey Thy will, peace be still!
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, or demons, or men, or whatever it be,
No water can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and skies;
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will; Peace, be still! Peace, be still!
They all shall sweetly obey Thy will; Peace, peace, be still! From the hymn, “Master the Tempest Is Raging” by Mary A. Baker, 1831-1921
God did put peace in my heart again. I am feeling peaceful right now. I felt like Rich and the kids were only gone for half an hour, I thought they had just gone to town. But, Rich said, “What are you talking about? We were gone for 2 hours.” That was the fastest 2 hours I had in a long time!
“I am the Lord thy God. . which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go.” Isaiah 48:17
This is really personal and I just can’t put the comment feature on. (**edit below)
I wanted to share in case someone is feeling the same way today.
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**Joanna emailed me and told me to put the comment feature on so I will trust her and do it.
Good to be Home 
I am thankful that you know where to turn in your times of distress. He is the true Comforter. I wish I could reach across the country and just give you a hug and cry with you and pray with you and sing with you and eventually share laughter too. Your friends care for you, your family adores you and above all that your Heavenly Father holds you in the palm of His hand.
Shan . . . its embarrassing to admit but I felt the same way today! In fact I started crying when I read your post. I was just telling my husband earlier that I don’t know whats wrong with me and I wish it would just go away. I just feel overwhelming anger and sadness but not at any one thing–I can’t pin point it! Its so frustrating. I just want to scream but I’m crying out to God silently because Jeremy is sleeping upstairs. Anyway . . . enough about me. I’m glad that God has given you peace. Lots of love and HUGS! Love, Lish
What a blessing your hubby is!!!!! I am so glad that he clued in and gave you the options!
I hope you don’t feel guilty about not wanting to be with the kids. We all go through times like that……….especially stay at home moms. We just never get a break away….not even the bathroom at times! So, please know that you are not alone. I have been there also.
What a special time with God you had. I am glad that He gave you peace. Sending a BIG hug!
Shanda, I think you will probably have several people comment that they cried when they read this post. I did too. I think most of us, as women, as wives, as mothers have all felt what you felt today. For me, it usually builds up very slowly, and then suddenly one day, I just think I can’t take ANY thing ANY more. My hubby is a wonderful sounding board for me too. That’s why God put us together with them. And THANK GOD for husbands who will let us choose how we want to walk through these times.
Once, I went out for an entire day, alone and did whatever I wanted, and – get this – it was a SUNDAY! đŽ I couldn’t believe that this was okay for me to do. But my hubby said “go”. So I did. Once, he allowed me to go to a hotel on the beach alone for 3 days and 2 nights. With me I took my Bible, a journal and the book “Captivating.” Those 3 days changed my life!
I used to feel bad, because I thought about my mom. I could never remember her needing to “get away”. But as I’ve talked with her, she did have times to “get away”. She went to teacher’s conventions every year with the school teachers from our Christian school. She spent time with other lady teachers – her friends – for 3 days. As a child, I never realized this was her “get away”. I stopped feeling guilty about my need for “child-free” moments.
It’s OK. It’s NORMAL. It’s even expected. My husband would rather I go out with friends once every month or so, than to have my frustration build to the level of “explosion”. That probably isn’t where you were today, but I do reach that point, and I feel afraid of my emotions at that time.
I am so grateful for the training in the Word that I’ve had in my life, and that you have obviously had too. In times like these, we RUN to His Word, and we devour His words like a starving man eats food. We are desperate for Him, and He SHOWS UP for us, and usually SHOWS OFF for us too! He makes these times SO SWEET to us. He soothes us, like we soothe our own children.
THANK YOU for sharing your day today. It will minister to others in ways you can’t imagine. God bless you this day, sister.
Alesha
I admire those of you moms that stay at home with your children all day, every day. Even with me working outside the home, I still get feelings of wanting to be by myself sometimes…that’s completely and totally normal. I’m glad you were able to take some “me” time and are feeling better!! We ALL feel that every now and again! (((((HUGS)))))Suz
Thank you…. that’s all that I have the strength to say right now… thank you for being so honest with us!!!!! ⤠Jami
Transparency and humility go hand in hand with knowing God. Bravo! and what lovely *modern* Psalms!
I am by myself most of the day now, yet there are still times I just wish the phone would NOT ring and other times that I wish it WOULD ring ~ ah, the joys of being a woman! You know the answer well, it sounds like ~ running toward God when we feel like running from everyone and everything else. Blessings to you, dear sister-in-heart ~ and the Lord’s peace ~
I admire you for speaking out. I think we as women often have times where we just wish the world would go away for awhile, but we don’t really want people to know about it…I guess we think we need to be super women or something. For myself I tend to have these “spells” when I feel like I just keep giving and giving, and finally I don’t want to give ANY MORE! (it usually coincides with the monthly you-know-what) I was just thinking today how I went through a time this fall when I was really depressed, xanga didn’t even interest me, imagine that! But praise God it didn’t hang around forever, and I pray that things start looking up for you, too. {{{hugs}}}
You are not alone. So many here have shared their stories with you about those days of fear, depression, the need to pull away; I am reminded, even now, of how often our Lord pulled away from the crowds to pray and spend time alone with His Father — our Lord clearly still loved His followers, His children, yet He knew when His own reserves were limited in His human form. I shared with you privately that I have battled depression and so often during the worst times (or actually after), I would beat myself up for not being spiritual enough — I share this not because you need to hear this — obviously you know Your Father’s love and understanding of you — but there may be someone who reads your post and has battled these emotions and wondered if these moments mean they are not really saved as I did — please know that our emotions can be influenced by so many things (I know because I’m in the first stages of menopause!). Our faith and salvation and security in Him are our anchors in the midst of the emotional storms — and our Lord stands before us, raises His hand, and says, “Be still.” In Him, Laurie
I to was crying reading your post. I have felt this way so much lately I feel so guilty. It’s so nice that you have your husband for such a great support system.
It is wonderful that you turned to your bible & faith in God to help you during that time. I love reading your posts, you help me more than you know!
I got the books, I will make sure you get them back. I started reading them right away, I feel so good! Thank you!
I love you, Shanda.
Thank you so much for your honesty. You did the right thing and turned to the Lord. How many times I have had those feelings and yet left them unresolved for a period of time…Thank you for sharing. It was a blessing. Erin Y
Hugs to you, my friend. I have been there. But God is good, isn’t he? I’m glad you got some time alone to be with Him. Please call if you ever need anything.
((hugs))….I sometimes feel like that. I’m so glad that your husband understands…not sure that mine always does! It sounds like you had some amazing time with the Lord, and i’m praying that you feel renewed tomorrow! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this…for being so real.
((((A WARM HEARTHFELT HUG)))Oh dear friend, I’ve been there.Thank God for your dear Rich.I’ll keep you in my prayers
Thank You for sharing with us! You help others as HE helps you!Blessings,Angie
(((HUGS))) Oh, the piano — what a retreat! I can remember days in the past like that when my children were young and my husband worked long hours, and I remember going to the piano (I’m not very good at playing) and playing until my heart was stilled again. God bless you.
This is exactly why I love you and your site, Shanda! You’re honest and share things from your heart. The funny thing is, we can all relate! This is why God thinks fellowship and friendship are so important… you can share and ‘teach’ us by your testimony in this specific time. I’m so happy to hear that the Lord lead you beside His still waters and that He restored your soul! Be blessed! Be encouraged!Isn’t it funny how the Lord leads us to our perfect mate? You and Rich are two peas in a pod… you have a treasure! I love how he gave you options and that you felt free enough to tell him what you really wanted! We all need uninterupted time with the Lord to praise Him, put Him in His place and to break through into the Heavenly’s! It sounds as if you did just that.
Thank you so much for sharing. You are an incredible encouragement to me!
Thank you for sharing, that’s all I will say. And I thank God that He gave Rich as a husband to you.
(And I am hoping over to cyberhymnal to check those hymns out b/c the words are speaking)
So glad you’re transparent. I’ve told you before that I can’t fathom how you do everything, and I’m so glad to know that you also have these moments! I love you, and I hope your day is better today. Continue to stand against that fear in Jesus’ name; it has NO AUTHORITY over you unless you let it. God is good. And you are an awesome mom.
I love the responses you have gotten!
The ages and stages of your children can be so overwhelming at times and I remember feeling that way so many many times! What a blessing that you have a husband who steps in as yours has and does to help you out when needed. I used to beat myself up over feeling that way about my children but what I didn’t realize is that I needed some interaction with others. The day in and day out stuff can get to you after awhile.
Do you belong to a mom’s group? I found this to be so helpful and gave me a wonderful outlet as a mom and allowed the children to wear off some of their energy! We all had something to look forward to in the week. In one neighborhood we lived in, there was not a group, so I started one! Sometimes we would meet at a playground or even in our homes – it was great to just let the kids play and the mommas chat over coffee.
xoxoxo Cat
Oh honey, don’t ever feel bad for feeling overwhelmed and needing a break! Like someone else said, Christ himself had to take time away from the throngs that followed him, even his own disciples, to gather his thoughts and spend time in prayer. The Bible is chock-full of examples of people who recognized the need to pull back and regroup.
I’m just happy you have a supportive husband who understands it’s a temporary thing, and is willing to take the kids out for “Dinner with Daddy” while you get out the emotions you need and reconnect with our Heavenly Father. You know how sometimes there are things you just know your own Daddy can fix? It’s that same way with God. There are just things only he can fix, and you need time alone to talk about it.
Much love to you, and I’m glad you are feeling better.
Hi Shanda, I don’t know you yet, but I wandered over here and just had to say thanks for giving us a glimpse into your soul. It was courageous of you to share something so personal, and I’m glad you did, because we can all relate. How great of your husband to take the kids out so you could run to our God. Ahh soo refreshing to find Him in those times.
we all tend to need our time alone,
and our private time with God,
I’m glad you were able to take that time…
be well, *~matthew~*
Hey my friend! It sounds like we need to get planning that retreat! Just so in those times of feeling overwhelmed we have a goal to reach.
Love You a whole bunch! I’m glad you got to have some alone time.
Having one of those days myself. Thanks for encouraging me with your story. Yes, we all have those feelings from time to time. Hugs to you!
Sis, I love you and think you are doing a great job with your children! Satan attacks when he knows we are weak. (usally when we are the most tired and our husbands are at work, and we feel all alone)
I am glad you feel comfortable enough to let others see that yes everyone has days like this….you and I know each other and what goes on in our lives so well that this post did not shock me like everyone else.
Maybe you should get out of the house and come to night church tonight and sit in service and hear Gods word preached to you and enjoy the blessings of others Christian women you can talk to and pray with. That way Jay and I can have the kids in Frontline tonight and you would have a hour break to have your soul fed and uplifted by your church family. I know that it seems like the last thing you want to do but maybe its really what you need to do, besides in Frontline we are starting the secound half of the year tonight and I know the kids always enjoy it when you bring them. I love you -Amanda
I love you Shanda darling girl! Once I just left the house and walked out into the woods. I was gone for hours and when I got back no one had even noticed I was gone. That was a long long time ago, but I can still feel the tears on my cheeks. Thank you dearest for the openness. I know it is important for all of these others (and me) to know the deep leanings of our souls onto the grace of Christ. He has big shoulders sweety, I know. Praying with fresh vigor for you. With tender love and hugs of motherly concern. M
I have often felt this way, thank you for sharing, it helps to know that we are not alone when we struggle with fear like this. HUGS
thankful that God is faithful and gives us the rest and peace when we most need it.
The Lord bless you dear heart! As all have said you did so well to run to the Lord to fill you up. Yes, and so wonderful that your husband understands. (( Big Hugs)) God made us to have so much empathy and sometimes we just get so overloaded…thankfully the Lord fills us up with Himself! Jenny
Let ME tell You something personal. Each day as I read your posts I am filled with awe (and envy, but that’s not what He wants) at what a beautiful, peaceful home you make for your children. Not just that, but you don’t want to send them away to school so you might get a break. You keep them with you and teach them and guide them in compassion and love just as He would want it. My house seems so chaotic at times and I strive to make it more like what I think yours is like. I don’t correspond with too many people here on Xanga, so I am often thinking of you throughout the day especially in times of chaos. Many a day, I feel as you did today and He has spoken through you to remind me AGAIN where I need to turn when things are out of control (which is often). It was wonderful of you to share such a personal experience. God speaks through you often through this blog…at least to me, but I am guessing to many others as well. I’m sorry you had such a difficult day, but I’m sure in your wisdom you will see there is purpose for everything.
I can definitely relate, as you well know. I’m glad you have Rich to be there for you during those times like yesterday, and I’m glad you found solace in the Lord. I hope today brings more joy and good things for you. Love, Trish
Dont feel bad. Everyone gets stressed out every once in a while, everyone gets these feeling every once in a while. I cant tell you how many times I’ve felt like getting away from my friends and family, and it’s always nice to get away for a bit, but I always enjoy coming back home to see them.
Wow! To read all these comments! God is really using you Shanda to minister to others in the midst of hard times. That is how HE builds our character and shapes us. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Thank you for taking your friends advise and letting us add our comments. Thank God for Rich and his understanding. I love the hymns you wrote too. Thank you for blessing me.
In Christ,
Courtney
Thanks for your honesty…I’ve been there many more times than I care to count.
been meaning to get over here and comment ~ i think everything i wanted to say has already been shared in all the above comments… đ so i’ll just say THANKs for being so transparent. REALness is refreshing to find – especially since it seems so rare these days.thanks friend. love you~
Also wandering through the Christian Moms blogring and was moved by your post. I have been in this spot for quite a while now and today God has placed SO many believers in my life to redirect my perspective and attitude. And just knowing I’m not the only one that feels this way is an endless amount of encouragement. So, thanks so much for honestly sharing.
Hugs sweetie. I am glad that you felt peace and that Rich was able to take the kids and give you that time to spend in the Word and in prayer. Big hugs.